I am at a place that I never wanted to be.......

  For right now, I have to make this short and sweet as it is hard to type through the tears. I saw my Dr today ad got the results of Mondays CT scan. Things do not look good. My counts went from 1334 to over 3000 in two weeks and the scan shows rapidly progressing disease. I go in next Mon to have a pic line put in and Wed to start navelbine. He figures that there is only about a 15 to 20 percent chance that chemo will make any significant difference. But I am to keep my hopes up because we just never know.
  
   I promise that we will have our get together in Chicago, if it is the last thing that I ever do.  That is going to happen and I will be there no matter what.
   When I calm down a little bit later on, I will be back on and get my butt in gear. I just wanted to let you all know what was going on. I love each and every one of you.
                  Chris
  

[jane65]

Dear Chris,
God love you, and and be with you.

I can't express how sad I am over your news. We all love you and will always be here for you.
Jane

[onthemendmomma]

Hi Chris-
I'm so sorry. thank you for thinking of us and letting us know what's up. when you are ready we are here for you too.
love,
christina

[ChrisP2236]

I'm also very sorry to hear about this - you take the time you need to get everything sorted out and you are right - we never know so it's good to hope.  You are in my prayers as always and I'm sending you a cyber hug and a shoulder for your tears.  We all love you too.  Big hugs, the other Chris - Chris P

[ireneo]

Wow, it just knocks the wind out of me. Not sure what to say. Love, hugs and prayers.
irene

[butterflytc]

I am so sorry I was not home when you called Chris..I am devasted with your news..perhaps you should not worry so much  about Chicago? and concentrate on getting well instead. I know it is important for you to have and attend the get togethers, but am worried it may be too much for you to handle right now. Will talk to you soon,

always
  Tc

[OzBron]

Oh Chris,
What can I say. I am just devastated to hear this news. I wish you comfort and please don't stress over the Chicago meeting. Just take care of yourself and ensure you get the rest you need for the next round.
Bron

[marie3B]

Chris,  I have to agree with Tc on this.  It is important that you to take care of you right now.  I cannot think of a person on this forum more loved than you, my dear.  I am sorry that this has happened.  I also feel that you may beat the odds and this navelbine will work.  Do whatever it takes to make you better. If that means resting, rest.  If that means come to Chicago and drink Margaritas with us then do that.  Whatever is the case please know that you are amazing.  Marie

[TrudieC]

Chris, my heart is hurting for you.  You have always been one of the strongest ladies here and now it is time for you to receive the support.  Please don't stress about Chicago.  I will do what I can to help you in the planning.  Feel free to email me with anything you need and I'll be on it.

Hugs, Trudie

[SimplyStar]

My dear Chris,  I am so sorry that you have to face this downturn, I know how important  the Chicago gathering is to you also,  what can some of us do to help you?  let us know ,   If only I had three magic wishes  or a Magic wand, I would use them wisely and you would be the first on my mind.  My thoughts and prayers are with you always,  and will hope that the new chemo kicks some butt with those numbers,   Love  marty

[silver&gold]

Dear Chris, I am devastated to read this, I am praying that the navelbine will work. I don,t know what to say other than you are loved and respected by all because you have time for everybody and are one of  a few Ladies that are special to me here.
Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs Chris.

Love Angie

[JC145]

Oh, Chris, how terribly sorry I am to hear your news.  I will pray that the Navelbine works for you ... 15 to 20% .. and you will be one of them!  There are no words to take away your fear and  pain ... just know we are all here for you.  

Love,
Judy

[dawnlyn]

I am so sorry to hear this news, I was ever hopeful.  I am praying for you....Be strong I wish I could do more....I hope the Navelbine will work.....I am here for you.....I want to give you a big hug....I love you, you are a very special lady........

Love, Dawnlyn

[lvfrogs]

Can I be the one to say that this *****! I hope that MH doesn't erase that. I am so sorry to hear this news but I will remain ever hopeful that you will pull through this too. You are such a strong woman, well loved and all the prayers will be with you girl! Don't worry about Chicago. Whatever we can do, we will do and you just plan on being there to celebrate. I love you! Colleen

[gah_70]

Well ****! That's about the most profound thing I can think to say at the moment.  I am so sorry this disease is rearing it's ugly head in such a way, but even more sorry that it is hurting you like this.  I agree with the other ladies about Chicago. I will do everything I can to take that burden off you so you can do your part...which is to rest and heal.  I will call you sometime this weekend and we'll talk about things...whatever you want.  You have so many people who love you and are right there with you.  I may not be able to give you a physical hug, but I am sending all the virtual ones I can muster.  

Love,
Gail

[crecco]

  Once again I type through tears, but they are a different kind of tears. I do not know what I would do without any of you. I was so very upset when I posted earlier. My Dr did say that he was my biggest fan and would do anything and everything he could for me. He is still optimistic that we can find something that will help some. And told me not to give up hope, he wasn't. I did ask if I had reached the point where it was going to start taking over and he said that was possible. He also said that as I was still basically in good health, still felt good, still had a good appetite, that it was possible it could work. But that it was a conversation that we needed to have. He is going to confer with another Dr in St Louis to see if there are any different drugs that he is excited about that we could possibly try.
  I promise i will not stress myself out but this trip to Chicago means more to me now than ever. You humble me with your kind words. I have only tried to give back what was given to me when I first found this forum. I have never felt so much a part of something in all of my life. The care, love and support from so many people, gives me a strength that is hard to describe. I thank you all for that. I will not go down without a fight, and knowing you are all right there with me makes me that much more determined. Virtual hugs and lots of love to all of you.
     Chris

[fungirl1011]

OH MY GOODNESS!!!  I am so sorry Chris.  I am just devistated at what you found out.  I too will do ANYTHING I can to help you with the Chicago trip.  You know I am only 2 hours away if you need me for anything.  You are a true fighter Chris, I know the kind of willpower you have.  REST and do what YOU need to do to fight this damn disease.  You have a whole group of people here behind you to support you.  Lean on us when you need to.  I'm glad you have such a great doctor.  I PRAY that he and the Dr. in St.Louis can come up with something.  Try to look on the positive side, and know I will be praying my heart out for you.  I love you Chris, and will do anything I can for you.  Hugs, Kasie

[Conners]

God bless you Chris. You are tough! I will keep you in my prayers. Conners

[nyc lady]

If the doctor in St Louis has no other thoughts, maybe there is one at MD Anderson, Johns Hopkins, or somewhere else that might have an idea of what will work or help.......keep fighting as long as you have the fight in you and miracles can happen.  You have a huge army behind you!!!!
Whatever you need, we are here for you.
Love,
Pam

[survivor_susie]

Chris,
I don't know what I can add at this point.  Everyone has so eloquently said what I feel.  We all love you and support you.  Through our tears we are all fighting for you. You are such a beautifully strong woman.  
I vote that each of us donates one year of our lives to you.  
Here.  Here are 12 months of my life that I'll gladly share with you.
I hope that works.
Love and support and tears,
Kathy

[MinnieWM]

Chris,

I am more sorry than words can say, and I pray that the doctors come up with an option that will work for you.  Hang on to the fact that you are physically strong, and you have a doctor who is willing to fight for you.  You should be a prime candidate for treatment that some women might not be able to tolerate.

Minnie

[hopeshell]

I haven't been on in quite a while.  But, it broke my heart to read your post.  I will be praying for you that you will be in that 15 to 20% group.  Keep the faith!  You are strong and you can make it!  

Love, Shelly

[Hindat]

You are an inspiration to everyone here.   I am praying that the Navelbine will work and that the doctor in St. Louis will have some answers and that you get good news soon.  

Linda

[gma718]

Chris, I have not been on the forum but do check in and see how you all are doing.  Please know that my prayers and thoughts are with you. From the day I met you I know how much of a fighter you are...FIGHT and DONT GIVE UP!!! I am sending positive prayers your way with love, support and anything else that will help you to fight this nasty disease...Take Care of yourself and I know you will beat this horrific disease!!! xoxo Gia

[doicat]

There were going to be a lot of asterisks here on my comment with the medhelp powers that be censoring me....so to thwart that I'll be adding my own *bleeps* and so be it!  I read your post the day you posted but I was so *bleeping* *bleeped* off that I just couldn't compose myself to post a response to you.  I've had to stop and think a while.  Not to say that my response will be any wiser because of that but that I've had to think about things, you, me the *bleeping* cancer and all of us here on this wonderful forum.

I got the 18 to 20% chance talk from my Austin Oncologist a few months ago.  He basically gave me two chemo choices but said that they (and any thing else) only gave me that small percentage of working.  My CA125 was, according to the local lab, over 4000 after 4 months of doxil and a trial drug.  

I got my *bleep* to MDAnderson and am doing another trial.  I was mad as *Bleep* at Dr. T here in Austin....but now I realize that HE had done the best for me.  He just didn't have the trials available here to help me as much as he wanted.  That's why he pretty much pushed me out the door.  I realized this last week when I saw him for a check up.  He asked lots of questions about what I was doing and then said "I Really hope that this works for you and I believe that trials are the way to go for you".  So it wasn't that he was the big meanie I thought he was (yes, he is a bit full of himself *bleep* hole but he IS a good doctor and we learned to rub along) he but realized that I needed to go to MDA and check out the trials offered there.

I'm glad your doctor is talking to other doctors about your case but girl...please think about going to a major center just to check out what they have to offer.  These centers have things that are just not available elsewhere.

We didn't join this club willingly, you or I or anyone else here!  I certainly didn't join the 20% club either and refuse to accept that!  You are a fighter and I've learned so much from you!

Hugs and keep *bleeping* fighting!

Teresa

[crecco]

  What would I do without all of you? There is no way I could ever give up. I said from the begining that giving up was not an option for me.
  I had a very uplifting experience yesterday. My Dr happened to be on call at the hospital so I was able to call him. I had heard of a new drug on the evening news Fri night and I called him to ask him if he had heard of it. He said he would check it out for me. Several hours later he called me back (yes, on Saturday!) and we talked for quite awhile. Not only is he checking with the Dr in St Louis, but also with the Drs at Northwestern to see if there are any new drugs or phase 1 clinical trials that we can look into. In the meantime we will go ahead with the navelbine as he wants me on something until we get some other arrangements made. We talked and he asked about my better half, which still has a year and a half before he gets home. But before we hung up, he said a few words that endeared me to him for the rest of my life. He told me that he was not going to give up on me. Actually in the course of our conversation, he told me that twice. I now know for sure that he will do anything in his power to help me.
  I would have been on sooner but I went and spent the night with my son and grandkids and today we are all going to go have a family picture taken.
  Though I am still in shock, I have a much beter outlook than I did 2 days ago. I have the pic line put in tomorrow and I am also going to be tested for the BRAC gene, which we have never checked for before. There is a good chance that I carry it as my mother had breast cancer 20 years ago. Finding out wil help us know which way to go in looking at the clinical trials. As soon as I find anything out, you all will be the first to know.
  Thank you for being here for me. You all are the rock behind my fight.
     Love to you all,
        Chris

[Tybear]

Hey Chris...
I'm sorry I'm just getting to your post now - I really have no words for you. This disease...I hate what it does to all of us. I will hope and pray that this new chemo works for you because that is all I can do...I wish I could do so much more.
I'm glad that your doctor is a positive guy  - he sounds great and I'm happy you have someone who is willing to fight hard for you.
I hope you get some answers about the BRAC gene - that would be interesting if you tested positive for it because I would think it could open up some new possibilites for you with regards to treatments and trials.
I really hope I get to meet you in Chicago this October...I will do my best to be there too.
Love and hugs to you,
Becky

[dian07]

Hello!  What good news you have shared with us today!  The tone of your voice has completely changed and I am so happy for you!  You are much more hopeful and stronger today.   I could just kiss your Doctor!
I hope you are having a wonderful time with your son and his family.  You are a wonderful woman and friend;  I care deeply for you, kid.
You take care.
Peace.
dian

[Ramsay14]

What a lovely man your doctor is.  I wish I could find someone like that to take care of me.

[Shari4444]

Well, well, well.....a family picture.....that explains why you didn't answer your phone call I made, to you, a few minutes ago!!!! (I hope it turns out BEAUTIFUL!!!!).

Now, I know all the answers to the questions I left on your voice mail       :  (   However, it sounds like your doctor and perhaps "new to be Doc" in St Loius are going  to do their best to get you the most awesome treatment available! If LOVE from me could make you  healthy, you'd be running marathons, be with Dave, and have nary a care in the world! I adore you, girl!!!!

Please, remember I'm always here. I may not always answer the phone when you call (oops, kinda sounds like you, too), but I'll get back to you! I'm checking out train tickets to chicago on the internet and think I'll have my same travel companion (Rosemary) as last time.

Just one more thing...If you need me to come down to see you sooner, you MUST tell me. Work has been tough, lately, but you ALWAYS come before that!!!! I'll talk to you soon.......Baby Girl!

Just a little P.S. here.....to those of you that know me....a big hello. You all know you carry a very special place in my heart and I hope to see MANY of you in Chicago.

Love and Hugs all around,
Shari

[ireneo]

You put a little smile on my face and tears in my eyes. Hope is there. love ya

[Katie116]

You women are so amazing. How I wish we could find a humongous way to get the word out about this malicious, pernicious, evil cancer. We never think it could be us - or the people we love - but it can, as happened to my DIL May 14. We will be anxiously awaiting word of the 'new drug' you heard about. My best for you. Live in the moment. How trite that sounds. I know I'm not much good at doing it. Prayers for you - katie116

[lvfrogs]

You have made my weekend better Chris. This sounds so good and promising. I am very happy to hear this and will continue to pray. I hope you enjoyed your family picture and time spent with your son and grandkids!
Love you,
Colleen

[Sandymac]

Chris,
  This sounds wonderfully promising !! Hoping this will be your "answer".. .. Keep us in the loop !

Love,
Sandy

[helenl89]

This new drug sounds promising, I wish you the best. What a wonderfull dr you have. do you think we can clone him. Keep your spirits up, we are with you lol

[Teresa222]

I'm praying for you my friend.
Teresa

[ChrisP2236]

I'm so sorry you're going through this but so glad that you have a doctor who is as much of a fighter as you are.  What a wonderful man!  You keep fighting and I'll keep praying.  If you can attach your portrait when you get it, we'd love it. Hugs - the other Chris,
Chris P

[Burnzie]

I'm glad you got your fighting spirit back.  Sometimes when we think the doors are closing there is an opening again!  I think your Doc will find something suitable for you.  You GO GIRL!!
Karen

[crecco]

  I started the navelbine yesterday and so far it hasn't been to hard, just a lot of fatigue. It sounnds like there will be an opening for me in a clinical trial in St Louis in about 6-8 weeks if all goes well. I think it will depend of it I test positive for the BRAC gene which we won't know for about another 10 days. Keep your fingers crossed.
  Love Chris

[ireneo]

I admit - I've never heard of navelbine and it makes me think of some beautiful wildflower. Probably have it mixed up with  columbines which are quite pretty. I'm glad to hear your first treatment didn't knock your socks off. Keep up the good work.  

irene