10year old step with her father making me uncomfortable

[peanut20387]

Me and my fiance have been together for 3years we have a 1yr old son together and another son on the way. He also has an 8year old son and a 10 year old daughter from a previous marriage. His relationship with his son's is very distant and he is very uninvolved with them. His older son will ask him to play a game with him or go for a walk or pretty much anything for his attention and he always tells him he is busy. But yet was his daughter asked him to do anything he jumps right up. He also lays spooning on the couch with her all the time and no matter where we are she sits in his lap rubbing her hands all over his head and face and will sometime even straddle his lap and countinually kiss him on the mouth. She constantly says she has bad dreams and he will go sleep in her room with her under the covers all cuddled together in just his boxers. Growing I never even saw my dad in his under let only slept in bed with him. Sometimes when she is in his lap she will suck her thumb and she still calls him dada keep in mind she is 10. When we go out to restuarants if we are sitting in a booth she will sit with him and lay her head under the table in his lap while we wait for our food or the check. One time we went out to dinner with a friend and his 3 kids and when I went to the bathroom to change the baby and came back out my friend had left. he texted me later that night and said my fiance and his daughter made him uncomfortable so he left. he said as soon as i got up she ran over and straddled his lap and was kissing his mouth and rubbing all over his face. he also thinks it is ok to wrestle on the floor and he will bend her over and smack her butt. She says she likes when he does that. also we will be at a family event and she has to sit in his lap and hold his hand where she goes he even goes to the bathroom with her at other people's houses. when she takes a shower she wants him to come in a check her hair and then sit in there until she is done. also recently her mom just started making her wear bras and we will be out in public,at someones house, or at our house and she will ask her dad to unstrap her bra and help her take it off infront of everyone. Or she will take him back in her bedroom and ask him to take it off for her. Sometimes if it is just her dad and i and her brothers in the house she will walk around in just a tank top and underwear infront of her dad and then ask him to lay on the couch with her like that. Another thing i dont like is that our room is our room. Growing up I never went into my parents bedroom that was always their space. My fiance and his daughter will lay all intertwinded with eachother in our bed. The lay spooning with their legs all wrapped together and he only has cotton shorts on no boxers just the shorts and she will just be wearing a t-shirt of his and underwear. Growing up I was a daddy's girl but we had bounderies. I never saw my dad in his underwear,we didnt lay in bed together or on the couch spooning, and i didnt sit in his lap kissing all over him. This behavior was not allowed but my dad had many other ways ovf showing he loved me. I jsut want peoples opinons to see if maybe it is just me that thinks their before is inappropriate. thanks for everyones time and i hope to get some advice soon it makes me so uncomfortable on weekends she is there me and my son go to my parents house. Someone help!

[teko]

I dont care by what standards you judge this kind of activity. Beit when your mom was young, or when we ourselves are young, doesnt matter and in no way is this acceptable behavior. But here is the thing. Back when, when Moms and Dads stayed together for the kids and all that and divorce was unheard of it was considered normal for a young girl to thrive for dads attention. We cared what daddy thought of us. Did he think we were pretty, did he like us, we always wanted to be daddys girl. But we had a mother that did not allow us to run amuch and sit on daddys lap in inappropriate ways, or lie down with him like our mother did. None of this was acceptable in the average home. Either this guy was raised without both parents around and doesnt know he is not doing his job as a dad, or he is just plain sick, Im not sure which. There is a role for a mom to play in our lives and a role for a dad to play in our lives and if you remove one of them, it throws everything way off. This is how young girls end up getting into trouble with stepfathers as well. It is normal for the child to a degree and it is the parents who are lacking in the ability to parent. They need to be taught what is and is not acceptable by both parents. Daddy needs to find out what the description of parenting is before he loses the right to parent. Im not so sure he shouldnt just be kicked to the curb. It is not the girls fault.

[Mimsmom]

I was daddys girl always.. my dad slept in his underwear but i always remember sleeping very apart from him. I never spooned or anything, my dad never let me see him in his underwear though and if he did it was really brief. I was always sitting on him and all that but it wasn't so sexual. Especially if i reached over the age of 7 I'd say! I understand if she was a toddler for her dad to see her naked and all that. Im sorry but it doesn't sound right. I am not implying that there is any type of molestatioin going on but it sounds very sexual. I would see a therapist or counselor to know how to approach the situation. In all reality things happen and we need to be realistic..

[vix8]

There's something your husband isn't telling you... Think about your communication skills. How well does he come to you and tell you things? Now why isn't he telling you what is wrong with his daughter? Very strange and fishy. It's definitely more the fathers fault. His daughter may be acting like this because she feels you are taking away her daddy, and when you gave birth, maybe she didn't like not being the youngest anymore. She must have got babied very much in her earlier childhood. I honestly think the father did something to her at a young age. Like touched her... maybe he stopped, maybe he still does it when your not around. Children grow up being used to things, and if this is so... this is normal to her, not a threat to her. I mean he ignores his son... so very odd. I suggest talking to a psychologist for a better answer, and if they give you any type of answer with molestation, I would honestly take action.

[honeydew21]

Is their mother still in the picture? Do you just get their (his and his former s/o's) children on weekends?

If so...is it possible for you to talk with her about your fears and worries? Perhaps the mother has absolutely no idea that this behavior is going on and if informed she could get the girl into appropriate therapy and counseling and maybe tell her ex to knock it off if he doesn't want to listen to you or anyone else.

If not, I still say call child protective services and then run as fast and far as you can.

[specialmom]

So, now I just have to wonder if this is real and really happening.  The sippy cup, the pull ups, removing the pull ups to pee???  A kid may pick up a siblings sippy cup and drink from like a child popping a little siblings pacifier in their mouth for a moment-------- for nostalia and to be funny.  But that isn't what you describe and she would need a psychological assessment if all you say is true.  And what would make me even more sad is that she doesn't have a father figure looking out for her.  

No, it isn't just you.  

And let me just acknowledge that I commend you for noticing his lack of relationship with his son and that it bothers you.  I appreciate that you are concerned about this boy and I'm sure it makes you think of your own son and son on the way that he may at some point decide that they aren't worth his time either.  

good luck

[brice1967]

Yeah, there is dysfunction on every level between this father and the daughter.  I am no doctor but it seems like this daughter is crying for help and the father is over compensating.... it just isn't good.

Personally, I think both of them need some help and in a bad way.  Any ten year old who decides its time to start drinking from a sippy cup, and decides its time to pee the bed to get attention really has some issues that a professional needs to attend to.

It sounds like the father perpetuates the situation.  For me, it would be time for a real firm, real serious talk with this guy.  If he blows it off as nothing or like you are over reacting, I'd start making distance immediately.

As bad as this is with his daughter, his neglect or lack of interaction with his son will prove to be an issue sooner or later.  I'd guess that the son is already showing some kind of warning signs about this.... One question about this that just popped into my head is, where is the biological mother, and what kind of interaction or lack there of does she have with these children?  Is her household where the daughter is leaning this "affection", and is the son just ignored there too?

[RockRose]

There are ways that kids her age insist on an extreme amount of attention that are expected,  and common,  in her situation.  Insisting on sitting between you two while watching TV,  insisting on being able to interrupt and be the focus of the conversations with Dad,  insisting he be the one to make her sandwiches or drive her to school,  insisting that the two exclusively play a board game or watch TV and no one else can join them - these are all things that girls with adjustment problems have.

It's disruptive,  but common and it makes new wives/girlfriends angry.

So it sounds like to me,  that's what he perceives is the problem.  Normal  insisting on a lot of attention.  

He really needs to see the difference in these two type girls - the one I described and the girl you describe.  

Has he tried giving her attention in all those appropriate ways?  Maybe then the sexual behavior would stop,  I don't know.

[peanut20387]

Also I think she needs to go somewhere to get help. She does not see this behavior at my home because me and him do not interact like that infront of the children. She also since I had our first baby has gone back to drinking out of sippy cups and wears pull-ups to bed and during the day. Sometimes if her dad says he wont lay with her she will take her pull up off and pee the bed and then go try to lay with him and fall asleep while i change the bed sheets. It is getting to a point that I jsut cant take anymore. thanks for all the advice and time you took to help me. I just wanted to make sure it wasnt just me......

[peanut20387]

The relationship wasnt always this intense with her it has progressivly got worse. Many people tried to tell me at first he was acting like this and allowing it because he felt guilty about leaving them. I will addmit at first I didnt pay much attention to his relationship with his son. His son was and still is a mommy's boy and when they would come over he would hang out with me. I am a tom boy so we would go out and play catch or go for walks and his dad and sister would stay inside watching tv. It didnt start getting really really bad until we had our first son together and he was there more then jsut on the weekends. Thats when I really saw his interaction with her get worse and and neglect for the boys go to an extreme. I have tried talking to him about her. That she is older now so he shouldnt be going into the bathroom with her and that she can sit next to him and cuddle but doesnt need to be all over him and sitting in his lap. I always tried talking to him about not laying in our bed with her and that if he has to lay in her bed he should have atleast shorts and a t-shirt on. he told me i was just jealious of his daughter and that I am making it into something that its not. My mom even commented to him that she does not want them laying like that at her house when we visit and he told her she was as bad as me. He says I just want all the attention for myself and she jsut wants her dad.

[specialmom]

I just wanted to come back and say I hope you took my above post as I intended.  I find myself really wondering what was attractive about this guy---  enough to live with and have more kids with him.  His past history with his kids from a prior relationship suggests he might not be father material.

Now, our mind can play tricks on us and we can be in denial about someone that we really want to be with----  and then all of a sudden come to our senses.  It does happen that way from time to time and maybe that is what happened with you.  So, now you are grappling with what is an odd relationship with his daughter to say the least (although, I want to reiterate, his "distant" relationship with his son is also a terrible thing about him).  

I guess we could just say "bad 10 year old" but the dynamic isn't just her and HE is the adult.  I guess you could try to talk to him, set boundaries, etc.  HE is the one that can change things-----  if he doesn't respond, allow, play up and 'enjoy' the odd contact between them-----  then it wouldn't happen, right?  She might try but he'd not respond.  

Now, I'm very pro kid and often find fathers WILL cuddle with a child and be overly affectionate at times and I don't get too concerned.  But this relationship seems odd.  I will say that most pedaphiles are secretive and your boyfriend is very obvious about it.  

I just think you are between a rock and a hard place.  You've already started a family with him.  Even though he doesn't sound like much of a real family man.  I do wish you luck.  

[specialmom]

Well, not sure why you picked a man that is distant from one child----  how awful!!   Shame on him.  And then sexualized with the other.  Gross!!  

Not to sound rude, but you picked him and that was in place a while ago.  Those two things above would be clues to me that he isn't a suitable partner or future father of my children.  

Not sure what you want anyone to say here.  You have now created more children with him.  Yeah, it is an odd relationship-------- but his daughter isn't the problem. HE is.  

If you think he is being truly sexual with his daughter, you must leave him.  And tell the girl's mother so that she can take proper precautions to protect her daughter.  good luck

[honeydew21]

That is a very odd relationship. When my mom and dad split up and I'd visit him, if I had a bad dream I would sleep in bed with him. He'd be in his jammies though and I'd be in mine...and I was 4-6 at the time. Not 10. I'd hold my dads hand when we went places or snuggle with him on the couch...again I was 4-6...not 10.

I was always daddy's pumpkin (even though I'm 26 I'm still daddy's pumpkin) but our relationship was never a sexualized one that your FI and his daughter seem to share.

It's creepy and obviously off putting to more than just you. I'd sit down and have a serious conversation with him about it. Even though you do share 2 children with him, if it's that uncomfortable for you...if he's not willing to scale back on the way he acts with her, I'd report him to child protective services and leave. That's not a healthy relationship they share and only God knows what they do when you leave the house.

[RockRose]

I agree with you that this is a very sexualized relationship,  and it's sad that you are now tied to both of them for eternity because you share two children together.

Key here,  is that your friend became so uncomfortable by their behavior that he left the restaurant.  So it's not just your perception,  it's reality that they are acting like lovers.

I don't know what you can do from here.  It seems very mutual,  he's not at all uncomfortable with her virtually having sex with him.  

This topic comes up regularly on this forum.  Girls here age and their dads in a mutual sexualized relationship.   I don't think I've ever seen anyone post that they figured out what to do to end it.

Best wishes.