Advice

[whatevernext]

My DH, until last summer had been having a long term affair. He came clean last summer out of the blue and ended it with the other woman who he said had no idea he was married - they were just having a very casual relationship. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength and I am fairly sure they never there was no contact for six months which is as much to her credit probably as his. However, in the last 3/4 weeks she has begun to start to contact him again and I think the scale of the betrayl has finally hit her. She would like to speak with him to try to figure out it out and get closure. He says she doesnt have many friends.
As he has told me that she has made contact and would like to meet I dont think there is a problem for our relationship. He says that he will only see her if I agree but I am not sure how I would feel about him meeting her again even for a finite period of time in a location that I know exactly when and where they are.
Will it help him in any way too as clearly he also feels regret for lying to her and to me? If she finds someone new then I will also feel more comfortable but clearly she is strugglign and  text message ending a 2 year affair is tough I am sure to take.
What do you guys think I should tell him to do? Would he meet her anyway is my other worry?

[mami1323]

You are much more lenient than I was. I made sure that the other woman was out of my fiancé's life. If she wasn't than he would've had to quit his job because I wouldn't be comfortable knowing they would be seeing eachother. Why does he refuse to leave the gym?

[whatevernext]

I am not a member of the club - I am sure that she may try to be there when he is as they both go to the same classes but what can I do. He will not cancel for sure and I cant really tell her to can I given she has been a member for years before their affair even started.

What will be will be right? I have decided I am not going to monitor him and worry where he is. I wil live day by day, be happy and see what happens.

[specialmom]

Well, I would talk to him about this club membership.  Tell him how you feel about it.  Is she going to stalk you guys and try to be there when he is or you?  That is a risk you will run and he should tell you his thoughts on that in my opinion.  It will be hard on you to routinely bump into her.  Some things may have to be sacrificed by him to keep you happy after his past actions.  

If he insists on meeting her, I would question his feelings to be honest.  That would hurt me very much and if he is still willing to hurt me over her------------  it would say a lot to me.  I'd go as well.  I think she needs to know that it is over and he is with you and you being there makes that statement loud and clear.  
Wishing you luck

[whatevernext]

Thanks for all your comments - he hasnt mentioned it again over the last few days so I will just wait and see how things pan out. I have however found out that they are still using the same gym. They previously had a joint membership that he was paying for but she is now paying for her own (I know by reference to banking documents). I am sure they dont meet up deliberatly to go at the same time but they must see each other there which is probably why she mentioned meeting up with him to speak as he goes in the morning then heads into work. They work close by which is why they ended up members of the same club. What do you think I can do? He will not cancel the membership I am sure of that.

[mami1323]

Whatever works for you ginger may not work for others.  I personally would not have felt comfortable with them meeting up again.  I think once it's over and the choice was made, they need to deal with it and stay away from one another.  I know that my fiance still held feelings for the other woman.  It was difficult for both of them to let go but in the end, he wanted me and that's where he needed to stay.  She had to get over it, she had to move on.  She got with him knowing he had a family and a life with someone else, than that's the risk she took.  Now she needs to deal with the consequences of that.  My feelings were more important than hers.   But if it worked for you then that is great.  

[ginger101]

I was only trying to make the point to the poster that there are two sides to every story. I know that I was lucky, but you have to accept that there will always be place in his heart for her - he loved her after all and I cant believe that things wont happen that in some ways remind him of her. That doesnt mean that he wants to rekindle the affair though. I took a chance and it paid off, but if sparks fly and he runs off and leaves you for her then there is very little that you can do about that. If he wants to cheat he will either with her and someone else there is very little you can do to prevent that and why woudl you want such a loser.
In my situation, then it worked out as no sparks flew. Otherwise I was always worried that if we argued, had a bad patch he would run back to her - I think their meeting and him returning to me made me feel better and more sure too