Advice

[whatevernext]

My DH, until last summer had been having a long term affair. He came clean last summer out of the blue and ended it with the other woman who he said had no idea he was married - they were just having a very casual relationship. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength and I am fairly sure they never there was no contact for six months which is as much to her credit probably as his. However, in the last 3/4 weeks she has begun to start to contact him again and I think the scale of the betrayl has finally hit her. She would like to speak with him to try to figure out it out and get closure. He says she doesnt have many friends.
As he has told me that she has made contact and would like to meet I dont think there is a problem for our relationship. He says that he will only see her if I agree but I am not sure how I would feel about him meeting her again even for a finite period of time in a location that I know exactly when and where they are.
Will it help him in any way too as clearly he also feels regret for lying to her and to me? If she finds someone new then I will also feel more comfortable but clearly she is strugglign and  text message ending a 2 year affair is tough I am sure to take.
What do you guys think I should tell him to do? Would he meet her anyway is my other worry?

[ginger101]

I wouldnt be so quick to write off the idea. I was in a similar situation and when I saw the message asking to meet up with him on his phone I agreed. At the end of the day, he could meet her in secret which might have been more exciting rather than with my full knowledge. If he had wanted to be with her he coudl leave me and I think that by meeting her, returning to me makes it clear that he is done with her and he said to me that he had no feelings for her anymore. That said, he wont be meeting her again.
We are both doctors so she might not have realised as we work shifts that are always changing and coming home late is part and parcel of the ER.

[Redhenful]

Uuuhh.. Noooooo. Not a wise idea...

[Judy246]

Oh hell NO! There is no way in hell I would have his ex mistress anywhere near him. He is to change his e-mail, cell phone number and threaten him that if he speaks one more word to her, you will divorce him and take his bank account with you. Ok, not so drastic. Absolutely not. There is no reason for her to go anywhere near your husband and you warn him that if he so speaks another word to her, you will leave. Also, have him change all his e-mail addresses and you have access to all and phone number. The infidelity is inexcusable and unexceptable and the nerve of that woman contacting your husband. Make sure if she call again, you answer the phone if she has anything to say to him, it's you she will be dealing with and tell her you consider her behavior stalking and harassment and will report to the police as such. I recommend that you both attend marrige counseling, to get down to all the issues in your marriage and what needs he felt were not met, but the affair is over and you must take control and make sure she does not come anywhere near you, your husband nor your family. Good Luck, Judy

[teko]

No, your marriage comes first. Leave the past in the past because if she is wanting to meet with him, it is very clear that she has no intentions of letting it go. It is done, over and does not matter why or how at this point. He needs to look ahead with you and not glance back. There is nothing but trouble brewing back there. It also does not say much for her to see someone for two years and not know something is off. I can find anything I want to know about someone via the internet or a good old fashioned background check. He took and gave two years of your life to someone else, I say that is more than enuff.

[specialmom]

Just want to jump on the band wagon.  No I would not allow my husband to meet with his ex lover.  Whether he lied to her or not, that is none of her concern.  How much did he have to lie to her for her not to know something was up?  
In two years----------  Did she come to his home?  Did he spend a whole weekend with him?  Did she meet any of his family?  Did he spend a holiday with her?  
I really don't think someone can be fooled for that long----------  and therefore, do not see her as a victim of his lies at all.  I know people can be mislead----------  but don't for a second think that she had no idea the whole two years that something was up.
And even if she was that nonobservant -----  this is not your problem.  He should write her a letter saying that he does not want any contact with her.  He's sorry but he has moved on and is happily with his wife.  And it is time for her to move on as well.

I mean----------- do you really want him sitting down with her and rehashing their relationship and what went wrong???  No--------  I'll answer that for you!!!  So, you obviously have a huge heart to even consider this but I would put your energy into your marriage and ask your husband to forgo any meetings with her now or in the future.  And ask him to tell her not to contact him anymore.  good luck

[mami1323]

I can totally relate, my fiance had a 2 year affair about 2 years ago and the only difference is, she did know about me and our son.  However, he found it difficult to let go of the other woman as well because he had also lied to her and she felt that they would be together one day.  As much as I feel sorry for her because she wasted years of her life on a man who would never be with her, I feel sorry for me more because I was the victim.  In your husband's situation, she had to have known something I mean come on, you would have to be brain dead not to know something fishy.  Anyway, it's not your burden to bear, your feelings are more important than hers.  She needs to get closure on her own and that should've happened already.  It's been months since they ended their affair.  He should not worry about her and should cut off all contact with her immediately.  If she wants to meet up, then she can meet up with you and you can tell her she needs to move on.  She should not be involved in your marriage any longer.  I also agree that you need some marital counseling.  Through the counseling he can come to terms with all the lies he's told.