Are all men like this??? Men, please respond too!!! And be truthful!
Ok... so my husband and I have been married for little over a year. He is a great stepdaddy to my 2 boys, but... he seems to have a problem. Ok...just for example... today, he called me from work, and I guess he was on break, and his coworker which is also his best friend, were getting breakfast at a resteraunt. We talked for a couple minutes, and then we said goodbye, and he hung up, (so he thought) Well... while I could overhear his complete conversation with his coworker, talking about how hot one of the girls that worked there was, then my husband was like "yeah... I wanna smash the little one". And, then the coworker was like and I wanna knock the other one up. Considering he already has 3 kids by one woman, and has another one pregnant right now, this disgusted me! I mean... all his friends are really nice guys in all, and would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it, but... they all seem to cheat on their wives, and or girlfriends, and wonder what it's like to be in every girl they sees pants. They are all in there mid to late 20's, but I feel like this is a problem, and I want to know do ALL men think this way, and some just don't say it aloud, or if they truly need help, because they have beautiful, loving wives at home, but they fantasize about these other girls! I just don't get it. I mean... it is one to THINK about something, but to say it is another. When I confronted my husband about it, he just said "aww... baby... I'm so sorry! I was just talking ****, I wasn't doing anything, and blah.blah... but, I feel like they must talk like this all the time, and if that's how they talk, then that must be how they think right? Basically, they all grew up in the same neighborhood where everyone messed around with everyone, and mostly everyones parents still live in that same neighborhood, and so they continue to be friends. Well, It must be in the water or something because they never change! They still all act like kids. I mean they have good jobs, and families and all, but... they just can't seem to change their boyish ways! I feel like he will NEVER change! So please tell me... Am I overreacting?
Not all men are the same way, but I would say MANY are like your husband's friend. I would say that this is very disrespectful. I mean it is no sin if a guy sees a pretty girl and looks at her and maybe comment on how pretty she is, but to actually participate in a conversation such as that one and say: yeah...I wanna smash the little one" is just not right if you are married. This would lead me as his wife to think that the next step is cheating. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's just the way I think.
Men are so different from us it's like we come from different planets. Perhaps what you have in front of you is a guy who just says things to fit in, to please his friend, when he actually does not mean any of that. Perhaps he makes these silly comments but this doesn't necessarily mean that if the girl stands in front of him he will actually just go ahead and blindly cheat on you. To me, any way you look at it it's not right to say such things if you're in a relationship. Looking at other women (not in my presence) having a nice lunch with a girl friend I can take..but this? I don't think so.
I don't think you are overreacting but you need to set things straight. I would remind him of what marriage really means and that there are limits as to what you say, what you do and the way you express yourself. He needs to keep that in mind the next time he's about to participate in a conversation that's basically about cheating. The moment he says: I wanna..... this makes him a person who doesn't deserve being trusted.
I am going through a situation that's very similar to yours but I'm not in the place of the wife but in the place of that "girl" who is actually being bothered by a guy who is married. I know how you feel. I would be angry, too. Just do your part, tell him not to do that anymore and hopefully he'll keep that in mind. Good luck to you!
Well I just want to tell you that it sucks that you heard your husband joining in that conversation. I would have confronted my husband as well, I think it's only natural to have done that. Now with that being said, I work in an environment full of men (plumbing company) and most of these guys have wifes or girfriends and the kind of stuff I hear use to make , me sick, use to because i have been at this company for 7 yrs now, so I am use to it. Anyways, these guys are like "oh yeah this customers house I was at the daughter was so hot, yeah i wanted to bang her" and they all laugh and get a kick out of it. Or they wish they could of acted on hooking up with one of the customers or you know stuff like that.I was like wow, this is how men (most) really are and it's pathetic. There are so many other things I could share with you but the last thing I will share is , being in this company i have experienced just like poster bedtimestory, married or men in relationships trying to hook up with me. These guys have no regard, concern or respect for the women they have at home. And its sad. I will say most of these guys are just being guys and trying to be tough with their friends , so it sounds like your husband was just being one of the guys and unfortunately you got to hear it. Take care and Good Luck.
I would think that I would only worry if you had concerns prior to this incident. If you have not and you find him very trustworthy and loving, I would not worry too much about it and write it off as him trying to talk big around another guy. It is good you did talk it over with him..chances are he will at least remember that before he comments the next time.
I think all healthy normal men think this way, but only immature guys who don't know how to act comment on it. Men are wired to look at pretty women - they are visual, sexually. But if they're older than 18 and don't have the good manners to shut up and keep their sexual feelings quiet, they're stuck in boyhood.
have you never sat with your best girlfriends and said the poolboy on desperate housewives is hot or the certain singer was someone you could spend the night with?? im curious because me and my best girlfriends have said this. pretty much joking as we were married and in no way would cheat, but come on. maybe i have a different view on this than other women, but i have complete love and trust and if my husband wants to tell his best friend he likes the knockers on that chick i dont care. it wasnt meant for your ears you know. if you are so worried about this then you need to talk to him not a public forum. i think most women that say they cant stand that kind of talk (that is all it waas he didnt make a pass at her did he?) have been hurt before and that is why they feel so cheated when their spouse or other might sneak a peak. now would i want my dh to molest a woman with is eyes while i am on his arm? no. and i wouldnt do that to him. but talk with pals with nobody hearing is innocent. in most cases anyway.
I agree with RockRose..........that is exactly how I feel. Men are visual and it'll always be that way but to actually comment on how they want to smash someone when they're married and over 18 years is just immature. I find it not acceptable at all. Good luck again
I agree with both RockRose (probably for the first time... LOL ! ) and bedtimestory on this one. To me, this behavior is disrespectful and that "smash" someone comment was out of line. I respect my husband and wouldn't make comments around my friends, if I saw a gorgeous guy. It is disrespectful to him... so I wouldn't even think about it.
Thanks for all your thoughts ragarding this situation. And for PERTYKITTY, sure, I have said things like that, but never that I wanted to "smash"!!! And, FYI, I DID have a talk with him BEFORE I wrote this forum, and also I would like to see what kind of things you write about. And so then.... I rest my case. It is unacceptable behavior. He admitted it himself! And any respectful man who loves his wife would not participate in a conversation of that nature. So, what happens from here, is that he needs to work on his character. And as his wife, I am behind him all the way. Last night... we had a decent talk about it, and he respesctfully apologized and said that he would work on trying not to think or talk like that anymore. I asked him how he would feel if he overheard me talking like that to one of my girlfriends, and he said he would think I was acting like a slut, and he'd think the next step was cheating.
Men are so full of Sh**. They are mostly all talk. I dont know why they are like this, they just are! Most of it is just jibberish, seriously!! My Hubby and I have been married for a long time. He is a very visual person. If he sees an attractive girl then he looks (he thinks I don't see and tries to be very slick about it) but, you know how we are, we see everything. It TRULY does not bother me. As far as talking out loud with his friends, I am sure he sometimes makes comments (I don't really know, or care) I am secure enough in our relationship to let it go. I know he comes home to me every day and he has NEVER given me any reason to doubt his faithfullness to me and our marriage. Dont over react any more than necessary.Try to relax about it and accept his apology, I am sure he was just playing along.
I agree with PlateletGal when she said "Its unacceptable behavior and I'm tired of the "boys will be boys" line." Quite honestly, I think that saying that comment is the outpour of your thoughts. He can say he was "just talking," but it doesn't show a lot of character that he has to say such comments to allegedly fit in. It's just a way to hide behind "being a man"- that's not being a real man at all.
i still cant see what the deal is, and for most of you im sure your dh has said it but will never admit it to you. does it really matter either way?? had you never heard this conversation wouldnt you still be living in your perfect dream world? forget about it. they are with their friends. jeez the **** talked in this forum is just as immature and rediculous at times. but because its not sexual in nature most think its ok.
I'm really sorry you had to hear that. I've been going through the same thing w/ my fianc'e & his friends. (read the DOES THIS MAKE ME A BAD PERSON forum) Those are all of my views on these types of situations.
It is unacceptable behavior.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR MEN "being men" THEY CAN CONTROL THEIR MOUTHS... IT'S A MUSCLE, THE SAME AS A WOMANS! THEY CAN CONTROL THIER EYE BALLS JUST AS WELL AS A WOMAN...
WE ARE MAKING IT OKAY FOR MEN TO FANTASIZE ABOUT OTHER WOMEN BY ACCEPTING THIER IMMATURE BEHAVIOR & CALLING IT NORMAL!
you act as though he has cheated. a lie??? come on!! you are making such a big deal i cant believe it! if your hubby told his best friend "that girl has great **** " or something stupid to that effect would you leave him? maybe you need to boost your self esteem.. your also saying its wrong for them to look or fantasize about other women?? i hate to tell you this but your dh does and will and its normal, maybe he doesnt tell others about it, but he would be the only person on earth. and turn off your caps, its annoying to read. this is just plain rediculous now......get over your scorn.
You have to set the bar high. It is unacceptable behavior and even the guy who did this, admitted it. And talk about being disrespectful towards women --- sheesh !
perttykitty --- why are taking a shot at mature_enough and telling her she needs to boost her self esteem ? It may be normal for all of us to look at other people --- but to mouth off about "smashing" people and disrespecting your husband or wife is unacceptable behavior. It is people who mouth off like this who are the usually the ones who end up getting in trouble in their marriage in the end. My opinion... based on from what I've seen in friends' relationships.
look i said if my dh said to his closest friends a gal was hot , should i call a marriage councelor? heck no. mature said she has a right to know and decide if she wants to accept the person hes been behind her back. she makes it seem he is cheating, or a jekyl and hyde. if anyone can say looking at another woman/man or even fantasizing about a movie star whoever is horrible and not normal, then maybe they need to look into the mirror and figure out why they think they are different than anyone else? please any one of you ever not think someone other than your dh is attractive? basically she thinks you shouldnt even look or have thoughts. incredible.
Whether its right or wrong is a moot point. When my husband goes dirt bike riding, we're around dozens of guys married, dating, and single. THEY ALL TALK THAT WAY. And I feel sorry for a lot of the wives, b/c sometimes they openly say they are banging this girl or that one. Who knows if they are telling the truth or just acting like "studs" in front of the guys.
You can believe it to be unacceptable or not, whatever you want. But they WILL talk that way when their women aren't around.
okay, okay already! Let's just say your husband went to get breakfast at the same resteraunt they practically do every morning, and you overhear him saying yeah man saying " I wanna ****, smash, bang, hit that little chic over there. He sees her every morning, so it must be on his mind right? So...wouldn't you think with him thinking like this, if given the chance, then he might take it? You can't say that you as a RESPECTED loving wife would not be bothered by this type of behavior. Just like if it were the other way around, and YOU had said Aww man... "I would knock the boots" off his ***! or I'd like to rock his body. Or something of that matter, then tell me your husband would not be offended by over hearing that. Come on now. Anyhow, I do respect your openness, and I am not attacking you. But, be honest, that wouldn't make you a little uneasy?
Its a little late in the forum to say this, but in regards to women who are bothered by this kind of behavior and find it unacceptable, why is the first response you have low self-esteem? Could it not just be that we expect more out of the male race? If we were to say these things in front of them, I am sure they would not just smile and say "oh, that's fine" and look the other way. That's because its not fine- for anyone. We all deserve more respect than that- its just in this day and age women are told not to want or expect it to give more freedom to men for such behavior.
this whole thing is pretty much a how we feel about the situation kind of deal. does your dh say this everyday at the restaurant? how do you know? would i not want to hear my dh talk that way? no i would not want to hear it. but he didnt say it in front of you. he said it while you listened in on a private conversation. my opinion here is off than most of you so i will give you what i think in a less offensive way. men may never admit what they say when we arent around, (yes some dont platelet but if they lie how would you really know??) , men that say she is hot (which is more of what im saying, never heard the term i wanna smash that girl, sounds painful lol)> dont necessarily want more then the fantasy. sure we expect the male race to be mature and we expect them to want us and only us (ya right!!) but i honestly cant say i am offended if my dh looks at other girls. its the nature of man, and it will never change. and if it bothers you then you should have thought about that before you married him and try to change him. THAT is what ends in divorce changing a man, not his oogling at a sexy woman. im the odd man out here on this situation.
Women who make excuses for unacceptable behavior are the ones who are letting men get away with this behavior. You know guys tell me that women send them mixed messages and that is why they are so confused. I think I understand ! And yes some men lie about how they act when you aren't around... but this guy got caught and admitted that what he did was wrong.
This isn't about a man oogling a sexy woman --- this is about making disrespectful comments about the woman and even more importantly, disrespecting his wife. This is about how men view and treat women in society. You either think it is acceptable and hold men accountable when make such demeaning comments or you allow it to continue and be disrespected.
I don't care if my dh notices a beautiful girl. I notice hot guys, I don't make a big deal out of it, certainly don't make a sexual comment about them, that woud be disrespectful. Likewise my dh may take a peek, but he never talks nasty about women, he's too nice a guy for that.
To the OP, tell your dh how that kind of talk is demeaning to those other women and embarrassing to you. It certainly is low class.
I have had friends who have tolerated such behavior and I can tell you that their self esteem was lower than my other friends who had boundaries. It seems like for one reason or another, their relationships never worked out. Obviously nobody likes having their husband talking to his friends about how he would like to have sex with other women.
ok im going to back out after i say this, im not talking about the wives knowing about it. im talking about what they dont know. meaning two men having a game of golf and talking about the sexy drink girl. not saying this in front of the wife. so if your friends knew about this its different than what im trying to say. same outcome i suppose. and i guess not on a daily occurance like wun is talking about. how did she know it happens daily? anyway me and my dh dont discuss topics of others in front of each other. but my best friend and i might say hubba hubba when we see an attractive man. no i wouldnt want my dh talking about screwing others, maybe i came off wrong that way. however she listened in on a converstation that was private, had she hung up and not intruded she would still be happily in love, or something like that. im guessing maybe there are more problems that just this.
You know when someone doesn't hang up their phone that most people listen to try to let that person know that they need to hang up --- especially when they are on a cell phone running down their batteries.
I just don't understand your position. It seems to me that you are saying this behavior is okay -- as long as you don't get caught doing it.
maybe not ok... just typical. i think pertykitty has just accepted the reality that so many want to avoid. fact is most guys do this. if not to our faces, then behind our backs. guys think different than girls. it's just how they work. and while not condoning the boys will be boys line, i think they have alot of pressure from the guys. if they don't chime in every now and then there will be some jerk to call them "whipped" or some other charming nasty reference to the female genetalia. that doesn't make it okay. but seriouslly, i doubt he meant much by saying it.
when i go out with my girlfriends and we see a hot guy we say the almost obligatory DAMN!!!, but that is it. we have zero intentions of going over and pursuing it. we're just being silly girls. and believe me, i have heard far worse talk from girls than what her dh said! lol. we're all capable of it.
when the convo was over i would have hung up.
i suggest trying to let it go. he'll be alot more careful now. but in answer to your question of "are all men like this?"..the answer. not all, but most. in one way or another.
ok, just dont assume that I am basing my marriage outcome on the people in this forums beliefs. However, I asked for peoples opinion reguarding this matter, and I respect your opinion, however I do not agree with it. For the 2nd time, I HAVE addressed my husband reguarding this situation BEFORE I wrote this forum actually, and honestly... when I originally posted it, I was hoping to get more feedback from MEN, because I was curious to know how they felt in reguards to matters like this. Besides... this IS a forum after all, you know... for people to dicuss topics that matter to THEM, now if you're not interested, then YOU should be the one to stay off MY post. It only makes since. You put your foot in your mouth on this one. Anyone agree?
I'm with perty on this one. Most men talk that way at some time. I've been with my girlfriends and we will definately admire a man in passing and I'm sure we've made comments. The point is he didn't say it to you. He said it in a private conversation with his best friend.
chellybeans --- I don't accept your opinion as fact. There are a lot of men who don't talk that way and especially those men who are married.
have 2 kids --- this isn't about admiring a man in passing --- this is about telling your girlfriends that you want to screw his brains out, even though you are married. Acceptable behavior in a marriage ? The only ones who can answer that are you & your husband. Doing it behind your husband's back is disrespectful -- would you not agree with this ?
wunbanorm --- maybe we should raid the men's health forum and try to recruit them to come over here ? LOL ! ! = )
you don't have to accept it as fact.that's the joy of a forum.
i however am one of those girls that guys hang out with, i am "just one of the guys" the guys I know have all sunk to this at some point or another. that and the fact that i co-owned a construction company with my so for 9 years prior to parting ways. i have alot of experience with men in nonconventional co-ed environments and how they act when they think the girls are all away. like i said, not all, but most. and married guys did it even more in my experience. they didn't go act on it, but they talk as much or more trash as the single guys who can and would go act on it. even considering it "blowing off steam". after a couple years i stopped telling them they were being @sses and ignored it as part of what they do. rude, sure, but typical.
if you have a guy who does not EVER say anything about an attractive person, then good for you. they are very rare. i hope he is all you have him pegged to be :)
chellybeans --- I know a lot of guys myself and I've hung out with them as well. This isn't about making comments about how someone is attractive. This was an entirely different situation. There are guys out there who are decent and don't engage in such immature behavior.
if you discussed this issue with your husband and its over , wth are you still bringing it up and keeing it going for?? man let it alone if you have solved it at home. maybe this nagging behavior is what makes him say those comments.
Of course ---- accuse of her of spying on her husband and blame his behavior on her. You know... I take responsibility for my own actions and wish everyone else did the same. It isn't her fault he made those comments. Sheesh!
platelet read it again. she wants answers then yells how she has already talked about this with him. then what more can we strangers do? i never said it was her fault. why are you jumping on me? it wasnt your question. she is a big girl and doesnt need you (nor do i) jumping down anyones throat that doesnt agree. i see my comments and others are simular but you want to fight me about it. give it up!
You know my husband would comment on an attractive girl, yes, but to go so far as being crude to "smashing her" would go beyond even his level. I just think its wrong for a married man to say that. To me its shows lack of respect for his wife. Just my opinion. I would be really hurt. Again that is my opinion.
Honestly, I am not really bringing it up anymore, I am just "keeping up with my post" if ya might say. It was a good topic that affects alot of people, and I never asked for suggestions on what should I do, I simply asked for people's opinions, you made yours...and NEVER once did I criticize you for it, I simply said I just did not agree. I guess there aren't many men on this forum, or is it just women, because my hopes were to get OTHER men's point of views on this topic. I had my husband's opinion, I was just curious to know what kind of things other married, single, or divorced men had to say.That's why I specifically asked for MEN to please respond. Thanks for all of your opinions though. It is interesting to hear other people's views on things.
Saying something to your friends and actually doing it are two different things. Trust is the huge factor here. Even if my husband said something like that I wouldn't go all crazy about it. I trust him and know he wouldn't act on it. Haven't you ever hung out with a group of guys. MOST of them will talk like that, married or not.
That is your opinion. In my opinion, husbands' or wives' for that matter, who disrespect one another, is wrong.
I asked my husband last night what his thoughts were on this. He agreed with me 100% --- that "smashing" comment was disrespectful and unacceptable. There is nothing wrong with looking or commenting on a beautiful woman or handsome man --- but when you are married and make comments about screwing other people, that crosses the line. Dr. Phil said that flirting was wrong when you were married... that's a little beyond flirting and it shows you how many men think and view women. IMHO.
I've hung out guys when I was younger --- but we were all single. I used to tease them often about how they were pervs as well. I'm friend's with two of the guys I hung out with back then (we are talking high school though). One of the guy's wives is so jealous that when he calls me, she flips out. Its ridiculous because we never had an intimate relationship. My other friend is married now with a child and I've seen him a few times.... he's no longer a baby. He grew up as well and respects his wife. = )
You've gotta get over it. Excuse me for being nasty for a minute but to a guy the only thing better than ***** is...new *****. Its in guys nature to conquer, to make it with as many women as possible. Now it sucks that you overheard what he said but I would be more concerned if he didn't APOLIGIZE. Concentrate on that. How many guys do you know apoligize? How many people for that matter? He cares about you thats why he apoligized. Most guys either want everyone they see or dont admit it. It sounds like you might have an issue. Look at that. If he did that when you were standing next to him now THAT would be ****** up! He is not perfect and neither are you.
I'm happy I have a trusting marriage and am not paranoid about something my husband may say when he is with his friends. It would be very hard living that way. Thank goodness I used to hang out with guys and have some understanding about men.
PlateletGal- of course your husband said he agrees with you 100%. What is he supposed to say when you're being all insane about this.
Well this isn't about me... but one thing I can say about my husband is he is an honest and good man. He respects women and his actions show it. We both are very open and he agrees --- commenting about how attractive a person is, is something that is totally different from making rude & crude remarks. I don't think some people here understand the difference.
Your accusations about me says something about you. You already accused the poster of spying on her husband... LOL ! Blame all the women -- so that you won't have to blame your own husband. Is this what this is about ? I'm just debating the issue, because I find the topic, like many other topics, and responses interesting.
I've been reading all this & I decided I might as well chime in too. I have work around men enough to say that although not all men are like this unfortunatly I have to agree that it is the majority of men. I also have to agree that any inteligent man when shown this post by his wife esp knowing her position would obviously agree with the fact that it was disrespectful. Unfortunatly as was pointed out the OP overheard something she was never intended to hear & as cdad said at least he did apoligize. I have seen many men who say things & act ways that they never would if their wives were around & it's sad but it's life, where do you think the saying came from "the truth hurts" to those who truly have the men who wouldn't do this, treasure him.
All guys look at other girls. All of them think about other girls. And because they have all gotten over that as an inevitability a long time ago, they talk about it with each other. If you, any of you, can't accept that, find a new gender to date. Now, maybe my perspective is a little skewed because I am a mostly gay man, but I look at other people of both genders and my boyfriend looks at girls. And we are both sufficiently willing to admit t to it that sometimes we compare notes. The relationship is better for it, as their is more trust.
I mean no disrespect to women out there but are you ladies kidding me? Have you actually sat and listened to a group of women when they get together over a drink? They are just as bad if not worse than men. I know this lady who went to a private stagette for one of her friends friend, she said she was never so embarrased for the way they acted. She said the male strippers had a game called I believe lick the cream, it's when the stripper puts whipped cream on his genitals and the women had to... well you get the idea. She said she knew a lot of those women that participated and most were either married or had a partner. I am a 50 yr old man and I have met or know a lot of people
in my life and don't know one that hasn't cheated at one time or another. They cheated for the most part with married people like there's no single ones to cheat or be with that includes women. I have 7 brothers and sisters and they have all cheated on their partners. As a matter of fact I was married for 22 yrs and in that time my wife had cheated on me at least 4 times. She had sex with at least 3 , thought she was pregnant by 1, and we separated for a year and she lived with 1. I can honestly tell you that I wasn't perfect but in all our time together I've NEVER lied to her nor have I cheated. I left her 10 years ago and our divorce was finalized 6 months ago and have yet to be with a woman physically or emotionally in all that time as I'm scared to death to have to deal with the pain again. I told her recently that I don't blame her as she did what apparently everyone does which sounds stupid but it's true. So it isn't Just the men after all they have to cheat with someone
madmac....i'm a woman who goes out occasionally for a drink with the girls. we never sit there and discuss other men we see and how we would like "smash" them or "bang" them. the closest we ever come to discussing another man is actors in movies. then the most we say is yeah he looked good in this n that movie or whatever. the only men we discuss are our husbands or male children. that's it.
my husband doesn't look at other women. he doesn't even acknowledge when another woman checks him out. I'm the one who notices. then he's just like oh really? hmmm...ok. and that's that. usually he doesn't even stop what he's doing. so not all men are pigs.
and as for that fact when a man checks me out i don't notice. the husband does. and like him i just go really? hmmm....ok. and don't stop what i'm doing.
thank you heatherlynn :) I agree, not all men are pigs, and its human nature to talk once in awhile, so what if some one is "good-looking" so what if its mentioned, but if their is an action to follow (such as cheating Or, posting on craigslist) Or acknowledged purposely to the point of aggravating your spouse, its not right, and that makes him a pig. Not all men are like this, but if theyre buddies talk like that, they may or may not agree or respond, depends on the man. If you heard your husband say he wants to smash the little one or whatever im sorry, I think thats sounding like a pig, and usually if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, maybe it is one, I would just be aware of everything, without accusing anything. Good luck, and hope you never have to overhear him say such a thing again
Thank you heatherlynn22 but thats my point, not all but most men are like that and the same goes for the women it depends on where they are and what there doing and if drinking is involved. Thats when 95% of people say and do what there thinking then they can pretend to regret it afterwards. If a person is an ***----- drinking their the same sober but obviously don't show it.
I hope things have gotten better sweet heart. My husband and I have been doing so much better since I've shared my feelings on these type of situations with him. We have a mutual agreement... He knows that if he acted this way behind my back, it would hurt me. I asked him if it would be hurtful for me to talk about another man this way, and he agreed that it would be very painful to hear. Even if he didn't hear it, to know that my heart was in the wrong place would be repulsive.
Best of luck to you Wanabnorm. I hope you can be open with your husband and he's a good enough man to treat you with sensitivity and respond to it the right way.
I, too, think most men think this way but only the immature ones act on it. My husband has admitted to seeing a pretty girl and wondering, if he wasn't married, if he would have a chance with her. This in no way diminishes his love for me. The difference is he doesn't go around telling his friends that he would want to hook up with her. He doesn't take his wedding band off and approach her. Least of all, he doesn't make lewd comments about her. If my husband did any of these things I would have a HUGE problem with that. To me it's the first steps towards getting yourself into trouble. With that said, I don't think you're overreacting. What your husband did was uncalled for, disrespectful and rude. And he needs to know that you will not put up with that type of behavior.
I do have to admit, however, that I have done it too. I'll see a good looking guy and think "Is that someone who would have gone for me if I were available?" I don't act on it because I love my husband too much to do that.
I'm a 29 year old male. The short answer to your question is... yes, all straight and sexually interested men think of an attractive female in a sexual way.
Some may not express it bluntly and overtly, others may be garrulous about it. But if you have a man with a decent dose of testosterone in him -and just about any man worth keeping does- that will be the case.
We could go into the possible evolutionary basis for that... such as the advantages of having able men reproducing with more than one mate, to increase the probability of his strong genes being carried out through the survival of his offspring in both numbers and variety, to name one. Men don't invest much when they mate... women do, since they carry the burden of pregnancy. It is no wonder, then, that it evolved to be that way. However, in our contemporaneous society we frown upon polygamous relationships, and that is generally accepted... overtly at least.
However, I think the serious issue I see here is that there's a difference between breaking the boundaries of trust in a relationship by actually sleeping with someone else, and having conversations with friends or even fantasies.
It is natural for men to talk about sex and sexual activities with friends, and it won't cease to be so for centuries at least. It is also natural for people in general to have fantasies... and sometimes fantasies involve other people.
It's up to you both to decide what the boundaries of your relationship are... but it seems to me that preventing your man from venting and laughing it off with friends might not be fully reasonable, and could potentially evolve into something less desirable in the future... such as him developing a strong fantasy or even acting out on it. Just a thought.
I'm with my woman, I can't picture being with someone else... and one of the reasons for such, aside from her inner and outer beauty, and extreme intellect, is her maturity in discerning what is reasonable from the unreasonable- and having flexible boundaries. If she were constricting, I probably wouldn't feel as much desire to be around her.
I tell her when I find women attractive, she tells me when she finds men attractive, we talk and laugh about it.
She knows I joke with my male friends, and I often tell her about it - she laughs with me. So we bond.
Think about what kind of relationship you want, and how much intimacy you really wish for. I want a close one.
There's a difference between joking, talking... and intent.
Taking a ring off to talk to an interesting woman... or simply just approaching someone you're attracted to in order to pursue the attractive feeling is no longer just enjoying a fantasy- it has now been acted upon. That shows intent and might eventually develop into something more.
Some people are ok with that, but you obviously would not be... so within the confines of your relationship that would be a breaking of the boundaries of trust you guys have established with one another. And that's a problem.
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