Are all men like this??? Men, please respond too!!! And be truthful!

[wunabnorm]

Ok... so my husband and I have been married for little over a year. He is a great stepdaddy to my 2 boys, but... he seems to have a problem. Ok...just for example... today, he called me from work, and I guess he was on break, and his coworker which is also his best friend, were getting breakfast at a resteraunt. We talked for a couple minutes, and then we said goodbye, and he hung up, (so he thought) Well... while I could overhear his complete conversation with his coworker, talking about how hot one of the girls that worked there was, then my husband was like "yeah... I wanna smash the little one". And, then the coworker was like and I wanna knock the other one up. Considering he already has 3 kids by one woman, and has another one pregnant right now, this disgusted me! I mean... all his friends are really nice guys in all, and would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it, but... they all seem to cheat on their wives, and or girlfriends, and wonder what it's like to be in every girl they sees pants. They are all in there mid to late 20's, but I feel like this is a problem, and I want to know do ALL men think this way, and some just don't say it aloud, or if they truly need help, because they have beautiful, loving wives at home, but they fantasize about these other girls! I just don't get it. I mean... it is one to THINK about something, but to say it is another. When I confronted my husband about it, he just said "aww... baby... I'm so sorry! I was just talking ****, I wasn't doing anything, and blah.blah... but, I feel like they must talk like this all the time, and if that's how they talk, then that must be how they think right? Basically, they all grew up in the same neighborhood where everyone messed around with everyone, and mostly everyones parents still live in that same neighborhood, and so they continue to be friends. Well, It must be in the water or something because they never change! They still all act like kids. I mean they have good jobs, and families and all, but... they just can't seem to change their boyish ways! I feel like he will NEVER change! So please tell me... Am I overreacting?

[bedtimestory]

Not all men are the same way, but I would say MANY are like your husband's friend.  I would say that this is very disrespectful. I mean it is no sin if a guy sees a pretty girl and looks at her and maybe comment on how pretty she is, but to actually participate in a conversation such as that one and say: yeah...I wanna smash the little one" is just not right if you are married. This would lead me as his wife to think that the next step is cheating. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's just the way I think.

Men are so different from us it's like we come from different planets. Perhaps what you have in front of you is a guy who just says things to fit in, to please his friend, when he actually does not mean any of that. Perhaps he makes these silly comments but this doesn't necessarily mean that if the girl stands in front of him he will actually just go ahead and blindly cheat on you. To me, any way you look at it it's not right to say such things if you're in a relationship. Looking at other women (not in my presence) having a nice lunch with a girl friend I can take..but this? I don't think so.

I don't think you are overreacting but you need to set things straight. I would remind him of what marriage really means and that there are limits as to what you say, what you do and the way you express yourself. He needs to keep that in mind the next time he's about to participate in a conversation that's basically about cheating. The moment he says: I wanna..... this makes him a person who doesn't deserve being trusted.

I am going through a situation that's very similar to yours but  I'm not in the place of the wife but in the place of that "girl" who is actually being bothered by a guy who is married. I know how you feel. I would be angry, too. Just do your part, tell him not to do that anymore and hopefully he'll keep that in mind.  Good luck to you!

[TMB1975]

Well I just want to tell you that it sucks that you heard your husband joining in that conversation. I would have confronted my husband as well, I think it's only natural to have done that. Now with that being said, I work in an environment full of men (plumbing company) and most of these guys have wifes or girfriends and the kind of stuff I hear use to make , me sick, use to because i have been at this company for 7 yrs now, so I am use to it. Anyways, these guys are like "oh yeah this customers house I was at the daughter was so hot, yeah i wanted to bang her" and they all laugh and get a kick out of it. Or they wish they could of acted on hooking up with one of the customers or you know stuff like that.I was like wow, this is how men (most) really are and it's pathetic. There are so many other things I could share with you but the last thing I will share is , being in this company i have experienced just like poster bedtimestory, married or men in relationships trying to hook up with me. These guys have no regard, concern or respect for the women they have at home. And its sad. I will say most of these guys are just being guys and trying to be tough with their friends , so it sounds like your husband was just being one of the guys and unfortunately you got to hear it. Take care and Good Luck.    

[waitingwithhope]

I would think that I would only worry if you had concerns prior to this incident. If you have not and you find him very trustworthy and loving, I would not worry too much about it and write it off as him trying to talk big around another guy. It is good you did talk it over with him..chances are he will at least remember that before he comments the next time.

[PlateletGal]

Its unacceptable behavior and I'm tired of the "boys will be boys" line.

[RockRose]

I think all healthy normal men think this way,  but only immature guys who don't know how to act comment on it.  Men are wired to look at pretty women - they are visual,  sexually.  But if they're older than 18 and don't have the good manners to shut up and keep their sexual feelings quiet,  they're stuck in boyhood.

[pertykitty]

have you never sat with your best girlfriends and said the poolboy on desperate housewives is hot or the certain singer was someone you could spend the night with?? im curious because me and my best girlfriends have said this.  pretty much joking as we were married and in no way would cheat, but come on. maybe i have a different view on this than other women, but i have complete love and trust and if my husband wants to tell his best friend he likes the knockers on that chick i dont care.  it wasnt meant for your ears you know.  if you are so worried about this then you need to talk to him not a public forum.   i think most women that say they cant stand that kind of talk (that is all it waas he didnt make a pass at her did he?) have been hurt before and that is why they feel so cheated when their spouse or other might sneak a peak.  now would i want my dh to molest a woman with is eyes while i am on his arm? no.  and i wouldnt do that to him. but talk with pals with nobody hearing is innocent.  in most cases anyway.

[bedtimestory]

I agree with RockRose..........that is exactly how I feel. Men are visual and it'll always be that way but to actually comment on how they want to smash someone when they're married and over 18 years is just immature. I find it not acceptable at all. Good luck again

[PlateletGal]

I agree with both RockRose (probably for the first time... LOL ! ) and bedtimestory on this one. To me, this behavior is disrespectful and that "smash" someone comment was out of line. I respect my husband and wouldn't make comments around my friends, if I saw a gorgeous guy. It is disrespectful to him... so I wouldn't even think about it.

[wunabnorm]

Thanks for all your thoughts ragarding this situation. And for PERTYKITTY, sure, I have said things like that, but never that I wanted to "smash"!!! And, FYI, I DID have a talk with him BEFORE I wrote this forum, and also I would like to see what kind of things you write about. And so then.... I rest my case. It is unacceptable behavior. He admitted it himself! And any respectful man who loves his wife would not participate in a conversation of that nature. So, what happens from here, is that he needs to work on his character. And as his wife, I am behind him all the way. Last night... we had a decent talk about it, and he respesctfully apologized and said that he would work on trying not to think or talk like that anymore. I asked him how he would feel if he overheard me talking like that to one of my girlfriends, and he said he would think I was acting like a slut, and he'd think the next step was cheating.

[misscloey]

Men are so full of Sh**. They are mostly all talk. I dont know why they are like this, they just are! Most of it is just jibberish, seriously!! My Hubby and I have been married for a long time. He is a very visual person. If he sees an attractive girl then he looks (he thinks I don't see and tries to be very slick about it) but, you know how we are, we see everything. It TRULY does not bother me. As far as talking out loud with his friends, I am sure he sometimes makes comments (I don't really know, or care) I am secure enough in our relationship to let it go. I know he comes home to me every day and he has NEVER given me any reason to doubt his faithfullness to me and our marriage. Dont over react any more than necessary.Try to relax about it and accept his apology, I am sure he was just playing along.
      

[BearHitch]

I agree with PlateletGal when she said "Its unacceptable behavior and I'm tired of the "boys will be boys" line."  Quite honestly, I think that saying that comment is the outpour of your thoughts.  He can say he was "just talking," but it doesn't show a lot of character that he has to say such comments to allegedly fit in.  It's just a way to hide behind "being a man"- that's not being a real man at all.

[pertykitty]

i still cant see what the deal is, and for most of you im sure your dh has said it but will never admit it to you. does it really matter either way?? had you never heard this conversation wouldnt you still be living in your perfect dream world? forget about it. they are with their friends.  jeez the **** talked in this forum is just as immature and rediculous at times. but because its not sexual in nature most think its ok.  

[mature_enough]

I'm really sorry you had to hear that. I've been going through the same thing w/ my fianc'e & his friends. (read the DOES THIS MAKE ME A BAD PERSON forum) Those are all of my views on these types of situations.


It is unacceptable behavior.
I AGREE!!!!

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR MEN "being men" THEY CAN CONTROL THEIR MOUTHS... IT'S A MUSCLE, THE SAME AS A WOMANS! THEY CAN CONTROL THIER EYE BALLS JUST AS WELL AS A WOMAN...

WE ARE MAKING IT OKAY FOR MEN TO FANTASIZE ABOUT OTHER WOMEN BY ACCEPTING THIER IMMATURE BEHAVIOR & CALLING IT NORMAL!

IT IS WRONG!

[mature_enough]

"does it really matter either way?? had you never heard this conversation wouldnt you still be living in your perfect dream world? forget about it." -YOU


SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE A LIE... IF THAT'S WHO HER HUSBAND REALLY IS... SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO KNOW & DECIDE IF SHE WANTS TO ACCEPT THE PERSON HE'S BEEN BEHIND HER BACK.

[pertykitty]

you act as though he has cheated.  a lie??? come on!! you are making such a big deal i cant believe it!  if your hubby told his best friend "that girl has great **** " or something stupid to that effect would you leave him?  maybe you need to boost your self esteem.. your also saying its wrong for them to look or fantasize about other women?? i hate to tell you this but your dh does and will and its normal, maybe he doesnt tell others about it, but he would be the only person on earth.  and turn off your caps, its annoying to read.  this is just plain rediculous now......get over your scorn.

[PlateletGal]

You have to set the bar high. It is unacceptable behavior and even the guy who did this, admitted it. And talk about being disrespectful towards women --- sheesh !

perttykitty --- why are taking a shot at mature_enough and telling her she needs to boost her self esteem ? It may be normal for all of us to look at other people --- but to mouth off about "smashing" people and disrespecting your husband or wife is unacceptable behavior. It is people who mouth off like this who are the usually the ones who end up getting in trouble in their marriage in the end. My opinion... based on from what I've seen in friends' relationships.

[pertykitty]

look i said if my dh said to his closest friends a gal was hot , should  i call a marriage councelor? heck no.  mature said she has a right to know and decide if she wants to accept the person hes been behind her back.  she makes it seem he is cheating, or a jekyl and hyde.  if anyone can say looking at another woman/man or even fantasizing about a movie star whoever is horrible and not normal, then maybe they need to look into the mirror and figure out why they think they are different than anyone else?  please any one of you ever not think someone other than your dh is attractive? basically she thinks you shouldnt even look or have thoughts.  incredible.  

[wiserlady]

Lots of people fantasise about a movie star, but they want to get to know that particular person and have a relationship with them, not just get them for sex, and not just anyone. When a man walks into a room of young women and wants all of them and only for sex this is different.

[PlateletGal]

I agree with the hot comment, but the comment her husband made was "yeah... I wanna smash the little one".

[peekawho]

Whether its right or wrong is a moot point.  When my husband goes dirt bike riding, we're around dozens of guys married, dating, and single.  THEY ALL TALK THAT WAY.  And I feel sorry for a lot of the wives, b/c sometimes they openly say they are banging this girl or that one.  Who knows if they are telling the truth or just acting like "studs" in front of the guys.  

You can believe it to be unacceptable or not, whatever you want.  But they WILL talk that way when their women aren't around.  

[wunabnorm]

okay, okay already! Let's just say your husband went to get breakfast at the same resteraunt they practically do every morning, and you overhear him saying yeah man saying " I wanna ****, smash, bang, hit that little chic over there. He sees her every morning, so it must be on his mind right? So...wouldn't you think with him thinking like this, if given the chance, then he might take it? You can't say that you as a RESPECTED loving wife would not be bothered by this type of behavior. Just like if it were the other way around, and YOU had said Aww man... "I would knock the boots" off his ***! or I'd like to rock his body. Or something of that matter, then tell me your husband would not be offended by over hearing that. Come on now. Anyhow, I do respect your openness, and I am not attacking you. But, be honest, that wouldn't make you a little uneasy?

[PlateletGal]

Not all of them...    = )  

[BearHitch]

Its a little late in the forum to say this, but in regards to women who are bothered by this kind of behavior and find it unacceptable, why is the first response you have low self-esteem?  Could it not just be that we expect more out of the male race?  If we were to say these things in front of them, I am sure they would not just smile and say "oh, that's fine" and look the other way.  That's because its not fine- for anyone.  We all deserve more respect than that- its just in this day and age women are told not to want or expect it to give more freedom to men for such behavior.  

[wiserlady]

I consulted the famous clairvoyant tarot reader, Rosemary Price psychic, when I met a guy who was a lot like this. It went against the grain to have anything to do with him. I was used to a lot better.  Ok he was good looking, had a nice smile,  owned his own business - same as me - so would not be yet another gold digger,  was polite to my face, but I knew from what other people told me that he was really a scum bag, lecherous octopus so I decided to walk away. It was a shame as it is hard for me to find men who can match my earning power and aren't after me for money, but I have to have standards.

I remember Rosemary said to me that she meets a lot of men like this who consult her for tarot and clairvoyant readings. Sometimes if she allows them to go and see her for a face to face consultation some of them talk like this to her, as if to say that they are entitled to touch her and have her simply because they fancy her and turned up!  Some of them have this convenient and weird idea that as they paid to go and see her they can do whatever they want and she cannot say no -    some have tried to force her to - and she has had to get police involved - so no it is not nice and it can be dangerous when men are like this.  As for the idea that they were faithful to their wife. Of course they were, who would want a guy like this - even if he were single most would not go anywhere near him.  He is faithful because when he tries it on with other women they say no. Not because he is nice and decent and honest and loves his wife.

[pertykitty]

this whole thing is pretty much a how we feel about the situation kind of deal. does your dh say this everyday at the restaurant?  how do you know?  would i not want to hear my dh talk that way? no i would not want to hear it.  but he didnt say it in front of you.   he said it while you listened in on a private conversation. my opinion here is off than most of you so i will give you what i think in a less offensive way.   men may never admit what they say when we arent around, (yes some dont platelet but if they lie how would you really know??) ,  men that say she is hot (which is more of what im saying, never heard the term i wanna smash that girl, sounds painful lol)> dont necessarily want more then the fantasy.  sure we expect the male race to be mature and we expect them to want us and only us (ya right!!)  but i honestly cant say i am offended if my dh looks at other girls.  its the nature of man, and it will never change.  and if it bothers you then you should have thought about that before you married him and try to change him.  THAT  is what ends in divorce changing a man, not his oogling at a sexy woman.  im the odd man out here on this situation.

[PlateletGal]

Women who make excuses for unacceptable behavior are the ones who are letting men get away with this behavior. You know guys tell me that women send them mixed messages and that is why they are so confused. I think I understand !  And yes some men lie about how they act when you aren't around... but this guy got caught and admitted that what he did was wrong.

This isn't about a man oogling a sexy woman --- this is about making disrespectful comments about the woman and even more importantly, disrespecting his wife. This is about how men view and treat women in society. You either think it is acceptable and hold men accountable when make such demeaning comments or you allow it to continue and be disrespected.