Boyfriend choosing porn over me

[Newmommy0414]

Ok.. I'm new to this so please be kind. This is going to be lengthy I can tell because I want to get it all out so everyone can see the whole picture. I have been with my boyfriend for 13 months now. We live together with his 2 kids from a previous marriage, my son from a previous marriage and we have a 2 month old together. I wasn't until 4 months ago that I found out he watches porn. I walked out from the shower and caught him looking at it on his phone in bed. My first reaction was to get mad and I almost left him. He was very embarrassed that I caught him, rightfully so. I would have been too. With me being 8 months pregnant at the time, I immediately took offense and thought I wasn't attractive enough to him anymore that he had to look up porn to satisfy him. He said it had nothing to do with how he feels about me, nothing to do with me at all that it's just something he's always done. He promised he wouldn't look at it anymore. The very next day, after I had my bags packed and walking out the door because of it, he watched it again. I know this because I looked through his phone. Yes, I know that was wrong of me to do, but I wanted to see if he really would. I brought it back up. We fought about it and I asked him to at least compromise and watch it with me and include me rather than sneaking it. From this point he started deleting his history and I went all spy vs spy and checked his deleted history. It was all over the place! I brought it up again a couple weeks later and he was confused on how I knew because he had deleted it. At this point he admitted that he has an addiction. That he doesn't know how to stop. He said he knows he's hurting me by watching it and he wonders if he should just let me go so he can't hurt me anymore. I proposed a last ditch effort to save us by suggesting a restriction to adult content on his phone. At first he was angry that I'd suggest such a thing. It made him feel like a child. I understand his point of view completely but I was simply trying to fix the problem. He said that all I care about is me being happy rather than him being happy. In my opinion, he should be happy to have me, not porn. A couple weeks went by and I was depressed and could barely eat and was literally getting sick. Had I known from the beginning he was a porn addict I would have never been with him but now after a year and a baby, it makes things different. He finally decided that the only way for us to be together was to put the restriction on. So we did. It's been on 3 weeks today. I found out that he's been seeking porn through youtube. I told him if he's gonna keep looking for ways to see it, there's no point in having the restriction in place. Yesterday I get a text saying in his eyes there's nothing wrong with him looking at porn but to me it's degrading and disrespectful to me. That he can't see himself being with someone he can't really be himself with and that we have ran our course. He should be able to look at it if he wants. Now to shine a little more light, he was watching it while I was in the shower, when I was away from the house, while he was in the bathroom and also in his truck at work. Almost EVERYDAY! He doesn't masturbate to it, he says it's more of a visual for him. I have been turned down for sex more than I get it. Anyway, when he got home last night, I asked when he wanted me gone and he says it's my life and in the one wanting to leave. He's the one that brought it up to begin with! I asked if he'd watch it in the morning if I took the restriction off last night and he said yeah maybe. He doesn't see it as him letting his family go for porn but he knows I can't deal with it so he'd assume have us go than give it up. I know I've been in the wrong with all the prying, had I not done that I wouldn't have known he was still doing it. I ended up staying but I'm wondering if I should have left? Am I wrong for being upset that he seems to care so little about how he's making me feel? Should I just get over it if I want to be with him and let him do what he wants?? I'm so confused and tired of feeling betrayed. Any advice would be great!

[Newmommy0414]

I have sought counseling but not for this. In the beginning he was the man I've always dreamt of. But he started to change after I became pregnant and openly says that's when he changed. He turned cold. He says he's watched porn the whole time we've been together and that it only interfered with our relationship after I found out. Which is true. But knowing about it eats at me. I wish I had never found out. I love him with all my heart but I can't deal with this forever. Should it be ok as long as he treats me decent? I just don't know...

[MYoungAtHeart]

I don't know what the draw is to being Porn addicted, but I do know it is a problem not only in the US but in many countries.  

I am new to this specific thread, but have you yourself gone to a therapist to find out why you accept this in your life.

You cannot change the man, he has already made that known, but picking a partner who is not available to you emotionally or physically is a real problem, not only in the ending of this relationship but in future relationships after this one.

Wishing you the very best

M

[Newmommy0414]

Thanks for all the comments. I have some thinking to do.

[Londres70]

Think about your other child as well.  Your son shouldn't be exposed to this nonsense.

[Londres70]

Well, hon..... the writing is pretty much on the wall.  He isn't going to budge.

This would be a deal breaker for me indeed.  

He is an addict and refuses to get help.  I would be outta of there with my child.  You not only have to think about yourself but your child as well.  
A daddy addicted to porn is not ideal.  

[Newmommy0414]

I mentioned therapy last night to him and he basically laughed in my face. He says he's not comfortable talking about this issue with a therapist. I've tried everything I can think of and nothing is helping. I give him applause for at least trying the restriction but I really hoped its last longer than 3 weeks and that his urge to look at it would fade.

[TTinKKerBBell]

who's guilty here?? is it You for looking/checking His phone ?? or is it Him promising You He would not look porn anymore - but in fact He did??

You want Him to choose You over the porn and He's choosing the porn over You

sounds like a stalemate to me - You don't want porn, He does - so, if You leave - You both get what You want.

If this is a deal breaker for You You should leave - He has proven to You that He is not going to give it up - so the choice to stay or go is Yours - but don't stay and spend the rest of Your days fighting over porn - what You see is what You get - accept it or walk away - the fighting is not worth it for You and CERTAINLY not for the Children

Personally, I support leaving someone who is addicted to whatever yet refuses to seek recovery for His addiction.

GoodLuck

[Londres70]

I wouldn't suggest turning a blind eye to this.  Furthermore, if someone didn't respect and/or took in consideration my feelings then I would definitely reevaluate the relationship.

Secondly, I saw no mention of therapy in your post.  If he feels he is addicted then why isn't he seeking therapy?

If he is truly addicted then he needs professional help as anything you implement probably isn't going to work.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, i see life as a balance of exposure and unless some spirituality is added to our everyday life there is nothing to keep us in check when it comes to very earthly things and porn is about as earthly as it gets.

Maybe start with saying a prayer together before dinner to the God of your faith. Sitting alone on his bed thinking no one is watching him may cause some conviction.