Aa
Confused
So i do not really know who to talk to but i guess i just need some advice, So my boyfriend and I live at my moms house still in the basement because my father passed away a year ago and i did not want to leave her alone, any way we have a 16 month old baby girl, we are turning 21 in a month. Anyway he has these friends that I do not really like at all last week he got so drunk he did not even come home i tryed calling him and he said i am not talking to you today we make me so mad and didint answer me all night just abandoned me and his daughter and everytime he is around these 2 he is a totally different person, we have been together for almost 4 years and he has NEVER acted like this EVER. We barley have any money like none he works 2 jobs and I work 1 just to try to pay for things are self he says he wants to marry me and get are own house but he is soo much in debt we also owe my mom other $8000, today he came home and told me that he is going to vegas in may with those 2 guys for a week, i just do not know what to do he didint invite me and he will not like me or his daughter come, like dont you think he would want to have a family vaction, we have nothing he never suprises me i just do not know what to do, i am just depressed i just want us to be together and work together why would he want to go with out me? what do i do if he does go? how could he honestly want to do this to me and my mom who has done so much for us?
What you're willing to tolerate is one thing; but, your mother and your child shouldn't be subjected to the miserable life that you just described.
If he goes... have his belongings placed outside the house when he returns from the Las Vegas trip with the drinking buddies. Tell him to move in with one of them. Then, move yourself and your little girl inside the house, with your mom. Next, file a child support claim through your local social services. Then, start a new life of stability and security for yourself and your child and forget about the "LOSER" boyfriend. Good Luck!
If he goes... have his belongings placed outside the house when he returns from the Las Vegas trip with the drinking buddies. Tell him to move in with one of them. Then, move yourself and your little girl inside the house, with your mom. Next, file a child support claim through your local social services. Then, start a new life of stability and security for yourself and your child and forget about the "LOSER" boyfriend. Good Luck!
I think first you should move out of the basement. It must be horribly depressing to spend much time down there in the damp dark.
Let him go, get your head back on your shoulders and your self esteem amd get a job, and with the help of your mom you can make a new and better life for yourself, also do not forget child support from him If he does not care enough let him fade away you sound like you have a good sensible attitude lots of luck jo
he sounds like a real piece of work. have you talked to him about his behavior? all i know is if my dh didn't come home one night because he was mad because he was drunk...i'd be p!ssed. if he up and decided to go to vegas if we were broke...and leave me and the kids at home so he can "have fun" he could expect divorce papers on his desk that afternoon. then he can go have all the fun he wants.
your bf really sounds like he needs to grow up. being in debt and having a family to care for doesn't mean he can still go out drinking every weekend and going on trips with the guys. that's what single guys without children to support do.
definately let him know something has to change. if his 2 "friends" are the cause of all of this perhaps it's time her reevaluated his friendship with them. "friends" don't get a guy so drunk he won't talk to the mother of his child and not take him home on time. and what "friend" gets him to decide to go to vegas WITHOUT his family? while he's so in debt he doesn't know which way is up? have you thought about having a "trial seperation". letting him see what his life is really like without you and your daughter? letting him realize he is royally screwing up with you and that these so called friends of his are going to ruin his relationship with you? you and your daughter don't deserve to live like that. you should be happy. and if that means kicking his rear out the door....
your bf really sounds like he needs to grow up. being in debt and having a family to care for doesn't mean he can still go out drinking every weekend and going on trips with the guys. that's what single guys without children to support do.
definately let him know something has to change. if his 2 "friends" are the cause of all of this perhaps it's time her reevaluated his friendship with them. "friends" don't get a guy so drunk he won't talk to the mother of his child and not take him home on time. and what "friend" gets him to decide to go to vegas WITHOUT his family? while he's so in debt he doesn't know which way is up? have you thought about having a "trial seperation". letting him see what his life is really like without you and your daughter? letting him realize he is royally screwing up with you and that these so called friends of his are going to ruin his relationship with you? you and your daughter don't deserve to live like that. you should be happy. and if that means kicking his rear out the door....
I can understand that these actions of your boyfiend upset you, but this is a situational depression that does have a logical solution?
Are you having true medical symptoms of a severe major depressive dissorder? Or is this just stress being caused by frustration regading your personal relationships and finacial woes?
It is perfectly normal for people to feel stress over issues of finance and relationships, but has this manifested into severe symptoms of depression and anxiety that are making you completly non-functional.
As in trembling for days for no reason, thoughts of doom and dread that develope into a swurling tempist in your head, racing thoughts the do not alllow you to eat or sleep, and constant feelings that your losing your mind?
Do you have a pain in your head that feels so intense that it literally feels as if your brain is thrusting with pain to the point where it makes death seem a welcome escape?
If you can honestly say yes to those questions, then you must get professional help fast.
Are you having true medical symptoms of a severe major depressive dissorder? Or is this just stress being caused by frustration regading your personal relationships and finacial woes?
It is perfectly normal for people to feel stress over issues of finance and relationships, but has this manifested into severe symptoms of depression and anxiety that are making you completly non-functional.
As in trembling for days for no reason, thoughts of doom and dread that develope into a swurling tempist in your head, racing thoughts the do not alllow you to eat or sleep, and constant feelings that your losing your mind?
Do you have a pain in your head that feels so intense that it literally feels as if your brain is thrusting with pain to the point where it makes death seem a welcome escape?
If you can honestly say yes to those questions, then you must get professional help fast.
I will be a bit harsh on him here
Not not being grateful to the person that is helping him out when he is loaded with debt and can't survive on his own enough to meet daily bills is more than a sidetrack issue.
Being kind of a liar is serious. Trust takes a long time to build, but takes forever to rebuild when broken.
So he thinks he should gamble? Lots of people go to Vegas, but some of them don't admit why. They pretend their addiction is entertainment. Question his need to go, since you have no money. Is it really entertainment?
Who is responsible for the debt on his vehicle? If he works 2 jobs, he seems like he does want to help with the finances, however the rest of your story seems to add up to him dumping you with the problems. Can you describe how the financial decisions are made with the paycheques?
"around these 2 he is a totally different person, we have been together for almost 4 years and he has NEVER acted like this EVER." Where did these friends come from and how long has he had them?
Not not being grateful to the person that is helping him out when he is loaded with debt and can't survive on his own enough to meet daily bills is more than a sidetrack issue.
Being kind of a liar is serious. Trust takes a long time to build, but takes forever to rebuild when broken.
So he thinks he should gamble? Lots of people go to Vegas, but some of them don't admit why. They pretend their addiction is entertainment. Question his need to go, since you have no money. Is it really entertainment?
Who is responsible for the debt on his vehicle? If he works 2 jobs, he seems like he does want to help with the finances, however the rest of your story seems to add up to him dumping you with the problems. Can you describe how the financial decisions are made with the paycheques?
"around these 2 he is a totally different person, we have been together for almost 4 years and he has NEVER acted like this EVER." Where did these friends come from and how long has he had them?
You have to be strong. It seems like you have every thing going for you. You have your mom, you and your daughter are healthy, and you have a good head on your shoulders. You have to understand that men don't just switch into maturity when they have a child like we do. You guys are young so he might still get side tracked sometimes, especially when he hangs out with people that's not in the same boat as him.
You have to tell him that you're trying to build a life for your daughter and if he's not with you, you can do it without him. He's gotta give up those boyish ways.Be a man.
You have to tell him that you're trying to build a life for your daughter and if he's not with you, you can do it without him. He's gotta give up those boyish ways.Be a man.
I have read the Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics) and AA books and have a bit of experience with Al-Anon. Just remember, I can't self diagnose you, especially from here, but maybe I can help so lets continue. My guess is he has a drinking problem that won't go away. You will have to do all the research and figure it out though.
Do you live in a city? No matter where you live, there is an Al-Anon branch near you. There are many people there that you can get information and help from.
I have been to meetings where people come in and just break down with the realization that they have been under so much hidden stress, in addition to what they have noticed.
So I recommend you get in touch with them, and see what you and they come up with for ideas. It is free, and you can get lots of information just from a call in. But that is not enough, you need to meet people, as someone will be glad to help you. as they have been helped before.
Do you live in a city? No matter where you live, there is an Al-Anon branch near you. There are many people there that you can get information and help from.
I have been to meetings where people come in and just break down with the realization that they have been under so much hidden stress, in addition to what they have noticed.
So I recommend you get in touch with them, and see what you and they come up with for ideas. It is free, and you can get lots of information just from a call in. But that is not enough, you need to meet people, as someone will be glad to help you. as they have been helped before.
Ahhh like for the last 2 weekends like fri, sat not during the week well the first weekend i had are daughter there and it was all good until he drank to much took off to some pub and didint come home till 4am and thought it was ok to leave me there and then passed out with his best friend and then this last weekend on friday we had plans and he just found a dumb reason to get mad at me went to his friends house at like 5pm and then would not talk to me all night did not come home just left me and my daughter he got pissed drunk and will not tell me what happened, his friend is a horrible influnce and i hate him and my boyfriend changes like 360 whenever we are together around him and now he wants to go to vegas because this stupid guy he does whatever he says im just so upset that this guy is more importnat then his family..
How much drinking is not much at all? How many days per week, how much each time, and how many times does it turn into a problem.
Sorry to stick on this, but the more you tell, the easier it is to understand.
Sorry to stick on this, but the more you tell, the easier it is to understand.
He does not drink that much at all, he is just kind of a liar and he wont let me come to vegas because he says i do not trust him and i wont let him do what he wants but i just dont understand how he could leave me and his child here while he goes and plays in vegas at the strip club and bars and casions when we have NO money NO house and will not even let me come its just so disrespectful, i do everything cook clean and watch are child all day you dont think that we should have a vaction together, or why wouldnt he want to take me on one? i just cannot stop crying and dont sleep and just feel so sick that going is more important then his daughter, we barley pay for food my mom does and she pays utilites and when we cannot afford gas how could he think this ok? he owes over $30 000 in student loans and owes $30 000 on a jeep he is leasing and the list goes on and on....why the **** would you go to vegas...nevermind by uself..how could he do this..i would NEVER do this to him, we also went away this summer and my mom paid for the WHOLE trip for him and me and my daughter i just do not know what to do..
I am trying to digest this, but will do it in a few different posts to you.
DRINKING
He decides out of the blue that he won't talk to you, but is drunk. Drunk people get irrational, so although his behaviour is childish and rude to you, if he rarely drinks it might be a rare problem from an immature father. However, if he drinks a lot, you will not likely be able to change him so need to accept that alcoholics are not controllable by other people (wife, landlord, creditor, employer, mother, no one).
You didn't mention how often he drinks, so that is a good point to elaborate on.
Please write back.
DRINKING
He decides out of the blue that he won't talk to you, but is drunk. Drunk people get irrational, so although his behaviour is childish and rude to you, if he rarely drinks it might be a rare problem from an immature father. However, if he drinks a lot, you will not likely be able to change him so need to accept that alcoholics are not controllable by other people (wife, landlord, creditor, employer, mother, no one).
You didn't mention how often he drinks, so that is a good point to elaborate on.
Please write back.
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