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Every time I leave the house, my hubby watches porn...
I check his net history and always find porn he watched while I was out. Example: I went to Walmart last night, was gone for about 2 hours. Today, I find 13 diff "videos" he watched while I was gone. And I gave him 5 opportunites to come clean, and he kept up the same story-he was watching tv. We havent had a good sexual relationship recently, and I know he'll say "well I have to get it somewhere since I'm not getting it from you!" like he always does. And then he'll turn it around so its my fault for snooping and I'll get yelled at for that too! I don't know what to do. If I tell him I know, then he'll be mad and still do it, just hide it better. I think he has a problem, but I know he'll deny it, besides I don't know who to talk to for him to get help. I need advice horribly...
He searched for sonethin online n the porn site name flashed by so i asked what it was..and he proceeded to lie to me n tell me he hadnt watched porn in months. So i of course called him on it, he continued to lie until i pulled out the list i had of all the stuff he watched. He yelled at me for snooping, made a comment about my past n walked out. When he finally came back, i told him how i felt about the whole situation, and we are in agreement that he needs help. We also agreed to talk more, have "dates", and do more things togethet. A lot of the stuff he said didnt make sense to me at all, but if he gets help, i think we'll be goin in the healing direction. Thanks to everyone on here who helped me, especially to those who shared their experiences..its good to know im not alone.. Thank you so much for helping me get thru this, you all r wonderful people and i wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!! My resolution: be a better wife and mother-theres always room to improve..
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thank you for sharing that Ashelen. I think that could be very helpful to samchic. I'm so glad that you and your husband worked through that issue and are a happy family because of it. That is something to inspire others to work on things in their own relationships. For samchic and all who read it. Great post.
I didn't really have the desire to share this before, it's not something I USUALLY share (once in a blue moon) but I think it might help you....my husband once had a porn/masturbation addiction....and because I was molested as a child and porn was involved, porn has always been a terrifying flashback thing for me....so it was horribly hurtful. I, too, was taking meds that lowered my libido and it made our sex life very stressed, although we still had regular sex. It took years of confrontation and hurt before he finally admitted his addiction and we took steps together to combat it. I agreed that for the first little bit, EVERY time he felt the urge that he was to come to me and we would either have sex, OR watch porn together. the porn together thing happened ONCE, and it was My suggestion.....I had no problem with it, surprising myself, but he was awkward....now I know that he's looked at porn since then once or twice but compared to what he used to do, that's a 99.9999% improvement. We've also had a baby since then, and my libido was NIL when I was pregnant with #2. it took a lot of swing back and forth before we finally found an intimacy level that was satisfactory between both of us, and before we both discovered the communication skills to overcome the porn addiction AND..AND (big AND here) my issues regarding intimacy and porn...those were MY issues, not his. the addiction was his, the other issues were mine. we BOTH had work to do.
Trust me...I understand the trust/intimacy/medicine/libido/depression issues you have...I've been there for all of them. But your husband is your partner. you two need to work this out TOGETHER>..he needs to NOT see you gas the mother figure in his life banning him from porn and seeing himself as the rebel child...and YOU need to stop seeing your husband as the enemy. since it was not HIM that raped you, you need to realize that he is someone you can trust with your body....however, you SHOULD tell him that you have a hard time trusting him with your heart since he's lying and going behind your back....but please make sure that you understand the difference between body and heart. he is not going to rape you. I honestly think (I wasn't there obviously so I don't KNOW)t hat you were just imagining what he was feeling during sex...because you're hurt, and depressed, and vulnerable....but you should TELL him.
the key here is communication. addictions can't survive if they're in the open and both partners are actively trying to combat it...TOGETHER...not against each other. Addictions are things that hide, and lie, and skirt the truth. You may have to offer a higher level of intimacy for awhile while he's getting used to not looking at porn...but it worked for me and my husband. and now porn doesn't have the same taboo that it used to for me, and the lying issue isn't as big because he's not afraid of what will happen if he DOES slip and I find out....that fear of my reaction was 75% of why he lied. "getting away with it" was the other 25%, which is a very immature outlook and something my husband has outgrown.
now after years of ebb and flow between his way and my way we have a compromise...now we're intimate in one way or another 4-5days a week and with the fact that we have two small children (a 2 year old and a 5 month old) that makes it difficult...but we're both very sexual people and that's the best way for us to do. my husband knows that if he feels the desire for porn...we now have the open sort of communication that does NOT facilitate him lying to me about it, so I'm no longer afraid all the time and looking over my shoulder when he's home alone....we're both a lot happier, but it took a LOT of work.
I think you can work this out....but you have to stop seeing him as the enemy...and he has to stop seeing you as the mother figure. best of luck...a change of attitude is your first step, and from there once you are WILLING to fix things (i really don't think you have the right mindset right now), therapy and communication will make a difference.
good luck
~Ashe
Trust me...I understand the trust/intimacy/medicine/libido/depression issues you have...I've been there for all of them. But your husband is your partner. you two need to work this out TOGETHER>..he needs to NOT see you gas the mother figure in his life banning him from porn and seeing himself as the rebel child...and YOU need to stop seeing your husband as the enemy. since it was not HIM that raped you, you need to realize that he is someone you can trust with your body....however, you SHOULD tell him that you have a hard time trusting him with your heart since he's lying and going behind your back....but please make sure that you understand the difference between body and heart. he is not going to rape you. I honestly think (I wasn't there obviously so I don't KNOW)t hat you were just imagining what he was feeling during sex...because you're hurt, and depressed, and vulnerable....but you should TELL him.
the key here is communication. addictions can't survive if they're in the open and both partners are actively trying to combat it...TOGETHER...not against each other. Addictions are things that hide, and lie, and skirt the truth. You may have to offer a higher level of intimacy for awhile while he's getting used to not looking at porn...but it worked for me and my husband. and now porn doesn't have the same taboo that it used to for me, and the lying issue isn't as big because he's not afraid of what will happen if he DOES slip and I find out....that fear of my reaction was 75% of why he lied. "getting away with it" was the other 25%, which is a very immature outlook and something my husband has outgrown.
now after years of ebb and flow between his way and my way we have a compromise...now we're intimate in one way or another 4-5days a week and with the fact that we have two small children (a 2 year old and a 5 month old) that makes it difficult...but we're both very sexual people and that's the best way for us to do. my husband knows that if he feels the desire for porn...we now have the open sort of communication that does NOT facilitate him lying to me about it, so I'm no longer afraid all the time and looking over my shoulder when he's home alone....we're both a lot happier, but it took a LOT of work.
I think you can work this out....but you have to stop seeing him as the enemy...and he has to stop seeing you as the mother figure. best of luck...a change of attitude is your first step, and from there once you are WILLING to fix things (i really don't think you have the right mindset right now), therapy and communication will make a difference.
good luck
~Ashe
He was picturing someone else during sex? Maybe he sensed your seething resentment during the act and desire to just get it over with as quickly as possible. He should be ashamed of himself for spending so much money on internet porn. There's tons of the stuff available online for free.
You should have mentioned in your first post that you had a son and you were raped. You need serious therapy to get through it and if you don't think you can get over your revulsion for sex with your husband, maybe you should consider divorce. I didn't hear that you have any positive feelings for him anyway.
You should have mentioned in your first post that you had a son and you were raped. You need serious therapy to get through it and if you don't think you can get over your revulsion for sex with your husband, maybe you should consider divorce. I didn't hear that you have any positive feelings for him anyway.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I'm glad you made the effort and am sorry it didn't go well. Do you think that you have a lot of things swirling around in your head that lead you to believe he was picturing someone else? I know you are upset about the porn going into the whole thing.
Let me ask you------------- do you think that you suffer from depression/anxiety? I'm also wondering about ptsd. I assume you've reaceived some therapy for this and didn't know if these are the meds you are taking. (by the way, they can interfere with sex drive as can actual depression/anxiety that isn't treated to its fullest extent). Are you currently in therapy? What does your therapist say about this? If you are taking a break from therapy, then it might be time to restart the process. Whether your marriage survives or not, I think you will need a safe place to vent and get some guidance for yourself.
I hear anger in the way you write which I know is partly because of your finding porn. But I also wonder if he is falling into a category for you now of men that hurt you (like others). He can't win if he does. And this is something to talk to your counselor about.
If he has an addiction to porn----------- it is also important to remember that it is something that he 'struggles' with. It is his demon. A wife to someone that is struggling with this needs to be firm but empathetic as well about it. If I had a shopping addiction my spouse could be angry with me about it and rightfully so---------- but he will get farther if he appears supportive in my process of overcoming it. Does that make sense?
Sorry it is difficult for you. I think there are many things going on here and some is actually on your side of the table. I want you to feel good in this life and be able to be in a relationship with a man (this one or someone else down the road) that is healthy and happy. Looking at the whole picture may help you. good luck
Let me ask you------------- do you think that you suffer from depression/anxiety? I'm also wondering about ptsd. I assume you've reaceived some therapy for this and didn't know if these are the meds you are taking. (by the way, they can interfere with sex drive as can actual depression/anxiety that isn't treated to its fullest extent). Are you currently in therapy? What does your therapist say about this? If you are taking a break from therapy, then it might be time to restart the process. Whether your marriage survives or not, I think you will need a safe place to vent and get some guidance for yourself.
I hear anger in the way you write which I know is partly because of your finding porn. But I also wonder if he is falling into a category for you now of men that hurt you (like others). He can't win if he does. And this is something to talk to your counselor about.
If he has an addiction to porn----------- it is also important to remember that it is something that he 'struggles' with. It is his demon. A wife to someone that is struggling with this needs to be firm but empathetic as well about it. If I had a shopping addiction my spouse could be angry with me about it and rightfully so---------- but he will get farther if he appears supportive in my process of overcoming it. Does that make sense?
Sorry it is difficult for you. I think there are many things going on here and some is actually on your side of the table. I want you to feel good in this life and be able to be in a relationship with a man (this one or someone else down the road) that is healthy and happy. Looking at the whole picture may help you. good luck
Update: we had sex n he was totally dif than normal. Not a good dif either. Kinda seemed like he was picturing someone else. And the things he said...it was NOT NORMAL.
He views porn and then lies about it. Why is he lying? Because he knows you will get mad and he does not want the fight. On the flip side, you have sex issues from being raped and are looking at anything sexual with a slant. Porn bothers you because it makes you feel degraded somehow and you see your husband as just another man treating women like a piece of meat and you find that disgusting. Until you get help for your issues with sex due to the rapes, and he understands why porn upsets you so much, and until you can both communicate and freely talk with each other and clear the air, nothing will change. You need counseling and time to heal and he needs a wife and part of being a wife is to meet in the bedroom. If you just tolerate it it will not be satisfying to either of you. How about some sex counseling? It is real hard to be intimate with someone when your not in the mood and I totally get that, but you guys have got to do something to get this on the right road or your not going to make it as a couple, children or no children. Talk to your doctor about your libido and see what they suggest and come clean on telling your hubby you know he is lying and talk about it and help each other to understand where each of you is coming from and why. Then agree to work on it together.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm going to add to Ashelyn's great comments in that one thing that may help is to also take some ownership of the problems in your marriage. It sounds like porn has been a long standing issue and a real hot button for you but I think equal to that is that you are not interested in sex due to your traumatic experience. While I get that, this is somethig for you to work on so that you can be a full partner to your husband. Wanting to get past the hurt that other men have caused you is important so that you can truly be with your husband. I think there are not a lot of men out there that will stay in a sexless relationship, unfortutately. I'd like to think sex isn't the main reason a man is with us, it is still important to most men. I hear that you are trying to seperate that from his porn issue. I can see that they are different and that he crosses the line into addiction when he has spent the family Christmas budget on it---------- I'm just saying your better chance to solve this is to look at what you can control at this time. If you want to leave as this is not working, that is an option. If you want to stay, you have to work on building an intimate connection between the two of you. It may take a professional to help with that and sometimes the first go round of therapy doesn't help much particularly if one or both partners are more interested in proving their case verses making changes themselves to move past the problems. I don't know if that is what is going on------- but I think if you embrace therapy as a way to change yourself, he does it as a way to change himself and both of you try to come together--------- its the best chance for this to work out.
I'm not sure what your question is here. Do you have a right to be upset at his usage of porn? Yes. Does he have a right to want sex in his marriage. Yes. Should you both communicate and work on base level issues holding this relationship in limbo------- yes. But I am not sure if that is what you are looking for. Let me know if there is another way we can try to help you. good luck
I'm not sure what your question is here. Do you have a right to be upset at his usage of porn? Yes. Does he have a right to want sex in his marriage. Yes. Should you both communicate and work on base level issues holding this relationship in limbo------- yes. But I am not sure if that is what you are looking for. Let me know if there is another way we can try to help you. good luck
Well if nothing's working, then all you can do is keep trying using different methods. I would re-try marriage counseling now....but you both have to be open to it helping. You BOTH have issues here....you have to realize that. it is NOT your fault that you were raped, I would never say that, but at the same time it is not your husband's fault either....and so your past is making it difficult for you both to have normal intimacy, not to mention your PPD....and while I don't agree with him going behind your back to satisfy himself as a result, it means that you're BOTH bringing issues to the table, not just him.
The biggest issue, as specialmom mentioned, is communication. You have the past that you do and therefore won't bend. He has sexual urges and therefore won't bend. So what do you do? I would recommend re-trying marriage counseling. or even sex therapy....but if you don't want to try that, I don't know what else we can tell you. There's no magic line that you can say to him that will make him give up porn. there's no magic line he can say to you to get your sex drive back up or convince you to please him in other ways (although oral isn't the only way :-).)....so what you guys need to do is figure out where your lines are drawn and try to compromise. a neutral third party will help with this.
What else can you do? give up? I don't agree with him going behind your back, but there has to be a middle ground somewhere. I don't think anyone here (well maybe a few people) are going to tell you "it's ok to give your husband little to no sex and then demand he avoid porn" because that's just NOT ok...not because porn is great or anything (i'm fairly anti-porn, although not completely) but because you are husband and wife and need to have an intimate, SATISFYING relationship...it's part of what a married couple does for one another.
I recommend re-trying counseling, and I recommend it NOW before feelings get too much more hurt. But you also have to realize that you might not get 100% of what you want...he also has to realize that he just might have to give up the porn if you are willing to compromise in other ways.
Best of luck...I hope you find a middle ground that makes you both happy. I'm very sorry about the things you've been through in your life; I was molested for years as a child and it affected my sex life in the beginning, and once in awhile it affects me....but as a wife I learned to overcome some of it to have a mutually satisfying sexual intimacy with my husband to both of our contentment.....it may just take you some time to get over your latest rape.
The biggest issue, as specialmom mentioned, is communication. You have the past that you do and therefore won't bend. He has sexual urges and therefore won't bend. So what do you do? I would recommend re-trying marriage counseling. or even sex therapy....but if you don't want to try that, I don't know what else we can tell you. There's no magic line that you can say to him that will make him give up porn. there's no magic line he can say to you to get your sex drive back up or convince you to please him in other ways (although oral isn't the only way :-).)....so what you guys need to do is figure out where your lines are drawn and try to compromise. a neutral third party will help with this.
What else can you do? give up? I don't agree with him going behind your back, but there has to be a middle ground somewhere. I don't think anyone here (well maybe a few people) are going to tell you "it's ok to give your husband little to no sex and then demand he avoid porn" because that's just NOT ok...not because porn is great or anything (i'm fairly anti-porn, although not completely) but because you are husband and wife and need to have an intimate, SATISFYING relationship...it's part of what a married couple does for one another.
I recommend re-trying counseling, and I recommend it NOW before feelings get too much more hurt. But you also have to realize that you might not get 100% of what you want...he also has to realize that he just might have to give up the porn if you are willing to compromise in other ways.
Best of luck...I hope you find a middle ground that makes you both happy. I'm very sorry about the things you've been through in your life; I was molested for years as a child and it affected my sex life in the beginning, and once in awhile it affects me....but as a wife I learned to overcome some of it to have a mutually satisfying sexual intimacy with my husband to both of our contentment.....it may just take you some time to get over your latest rape.
Weve been to marriage counseling, we both have our own therapists, it seems as if nothing will help. I refuse to give oral as i was forced to do when i was 16 (another rape). Im 25 and he is 28, just for reference. I was raised and still believe that porn is degrading to women and a form of lust-you watch some other naked woman gettin it on and get turned on by that, and i think that is wrong. Sadly, pornography is one of the fastest growing industries. But i do not believe it is right. December of 2008, he spent over $400 on porn sites, and couldnt buy his daughter anything for Christmas. He has a problem, because this happens around november/december every year. When we pcs-ed, I caught him watching porn when he was supposed to be unpacking. I walked in the bedroom and he was sittin on the bed w/ his laptop, and of course he slammed it shut and yelled at me for "sneaking up on him"! I dont think i should have to give him warning when im walking into a room!
Weve been together since 2006, had our daughter in may 2007, he deployed 4 months later. We had our son in april and the doc says i have ppd yet again. While he was deployed i was raped which changed our relationship a lot. Im not gonna just give it up cuz he wants it, thats degrading and makes me feel horrible about myself.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh. I actually kind of agree with mnerva. Not so much the grin and bear it but that intimacy of a sexual nature is important in a relationship. And that he is telling you he needs this and the usage of porn keeps him at home verses out cheating--------- I kind of get that. I'm not a pro porn person or anything like that and understand when it is a complete turn off or a problem for someone. But . . . not having sex is a problem for your partner on the flip side. While he agreed to no porn, you agreed to be a married couple which is set apart from friends by the fact that you have sex with one another.
Your best bet for any resolution to this is to go to couples therapy to not work on "his porn issue" but on this marriage. Get to the bottom of why sex isn't happening. Are you having other marital issues and the lack of intimacy is just a symptom of that? This would be good to know so that you can work at whatever the root cause is. This is the only way your marriage is going to get better------ porn or not. (and I will tell you that while I am not a porn person-------- if I had my choice between some porn when I'm not around, cheating with another woman or leaving me due to no sex . . . I'd go for the bit of porn.) I think if you work on the issues in your marriage and as intimacy gets better, then the porn issue will get better too. However, ugh. You will have to work as a couple on this because there will always be periods of high and low sexual contact in a relationship. A common time when a sex life has problems is after kids are born. Hormones do things to a woman (as in it sure did to me) and it takes a bit to get back in the groove. You as a couple will have to understand that there may be time periods like this and that you will have to work on them as a couple. Again, address this in therapy.
I hope this works out for you. Find that root cause of the intimacy issues and work on it------- therapy as a couple is your best option. I'd call your insurance company for names. Also, some churches have programs for couples. good luck
Your best bet for any resolution to this is to go to couples therapy to not work on "his porn issue" but on this marriage. Get to the bottom of why sex isn't happening. Are you having other marital issues and the lack of intimacy is just a symptom of that? This would be good to know so that you can work at whatever the root cause is. This is the only way your marriage is going to get better------ porn or not. (and I will tell you that while I am not a porn person-------- if I had my choice between some porn when I'm not around, cheating with another woman or leaving me due to no sex . . . I'd go for the bit of porn.) I think if you work on the issues in your marriage and as intimacy gets better, then the porn issue will get better too. However, ugh. You will have to work as a couple on this because there will always be periods of high and low sexual contact in a relationship. A common time when a sex life has problems is after kids are born. Hormones do things to a woman (as in it sure did to me) and it takes a bit to get back in the groove. You as a couple will have to understand that there may be time periods like this and that you will have to work on them as a couple. Again, address this in therapy.
I hope this works out for you. Find that root cause of the intimacy issues and work on it------- therapy as a couple is your best option. I'd call your insurance company for names. Also, some churches have programs for couples. good luck
Deep breaths - you both need to relax a bit and work on what is really the big problem - communication - between you both. Outside observations are pretty great and that is one of the super things I have found in just a week on this board. Mine are
(1) he would appear to be spending quite a bit of time looking at on-line porn. I have been single a few years, and was married for 23 and it was and is an occasional thing for me, and sometimes, something my wife and I did together back in the day - - it was fun and kind of kinky and gave us some ideas and usually led to some ravenous fun. Could you two watch some together and just "be there for him?"
(2) you must acknowledge that meds or not, the intimate life of a couple is something they share with no one else - that is why it is special. If at this time it has completely stopped, you need to take ownership of that and be sensitive to your husband's needs. If he is young (20-30?) his hormones are raging - mine were in those days - I wanted my wife all the time. It sounds like you are simply roommates right now - that doesn't bode well for long term relationship bliss.
I have heard that couples in this situation can benefit greatly from counseling. Don't dismiss a good counselor who has heard these types of stories a hundred times and can make you both feel better about where you are and what you can do about it.
(1) he would appear to be spending quite a bit of time looking at on-line porn. I have been single a few years, and was married for 23 and it was and is an occasional thing for me, and sometimes, something my wife and I did together back in the day - - it was fun and kind of kinky and gave us some ideas and usually led to some ravenous fun. Could you two watch some together and just "be there for him?"
(2) you must acknowledge that meds or not, the intimate life of a couple is something they share with no one else - that is why it is special. If at this time it has completely stopped, you need to take ownership of that and be sensitive to your husband's needs. If he is young (20-30?) his hormones are raging - mine were in those days - I wanted my wife all the time. It sounds like you are simply roommates right now - that doesn't bode well for long term relationship bliss.
I have heard that couples in this situation can benefit greatly from counseling. Don't dismiss a good counselor who has heard these types of stories a hundred times and can make you both feel better about where you are and what you can do about it.
THAT was out of line. We don't condone forced sex here :-).
samchic04: tell him how you feel. if it was a part of your marriage agreement that he stop, tell him that you feel like he's breaking his part of the deal.
on the flip side, Mrivera up there is right to a CERTAIN degree.....you, as your husband's wife, do need to find some way to make sure that your husband's needs are met....you and he need to strike a compromise. You DON'T have to "grin and bear it"....that's wrong, just as wrong as refusing to allow him to have sexual release.
BUT there are things you can do that don't require your sex drive to be "in gear" as it were, that can give him pleasure but won't make you feel like you're a ragdoll that he's having sex with.
Try talking to him calmly. no accusations, just tell him how hurt you are and how let down you feel since you made a deal....and say "look, we need to find another way to do this. we need to find a way to meet YOUR needs, but make ME feel happy in this relationship too. ideas?" and go from there.
best of luck.
samchic04: tell him how you feel. if it was a part of your marriage agreement that he stop, tell him that you feel like he's breaking his part of the deal.
on the flip side, Mrivera up there is right to a CERTAIN degree.....you, as your husband's wife, do need to find some way to make sure that your husband's needs are met....you and he need to strike a compromise. You DON'T have to "grin and bear it"....that's wrong, just as wrong as refusing to allow him to have sexual release.
BUT there are things you can do that don't require your sex drive to be "in gear" as it were, that can give him pleasure but won't make you feel like you're a ragdoll that he's having sex with.
Try talking to him calmly. no accusations, just tell him how hurt you are and how let down you feel since you made a deal....and say "look, we need to find another way to do this. we need to find a way to meet YOUR needs, but make ME feel happy in this relationship too. ideas?" and go from there.
best of luck.
So you won't have sex with him and you don't want him looking at porn either. Is he supposed to be a monk? After less than 2 years of marriage he's supposed to give up sex altogether? Just because you aren't in the mood doesn't mean you can't lie there and open your legs and grin and bear it. Otherwise he'll find someone else who will and leave you.
I am on a lot of meds that LITERALLY kill my sex drive. I know he needs a release, but we agreed when we got married (feb. 2009) that he would stop watching it. Honestly, I dont give a @&$! what his reasons are. Hes breaking a promise and lying to me, and somehow everyone turns it around on me like its my fault hes doin it.
I read your post quickly and missed the bit where you said you haven't had a good sex life lately......... so the 1st paragraph is what I meant to say!
I think you'd probably find if you spoke to him that he'd actually prefer to be intimate with you, and porn is a 2nd choice substitute that he's using because he can't be with you.
I think you'd probably find if you spoke to him that he'd actually prefer to be intimate with you, and porn is a 2nd choice substitute that he's using because he can't be with you.
The thing that stood out in your post is his saying "well I have to get it somewhere since I'm not getting it from you!" - if this is true - that he wants sex and your regularly turning him down, healthy guys do need a release - their bodies make a huge number of sperm daily - so perhaps you could see it from his perspective a bit and realise that he really does need a release, and porn helps him achieve this.
If hes just saying that for some reason and its not true - and you do have a healthy sex life - then you need to tell him how much it bothers you and work out some kind of compramise, and find some middle ground that stops the sneaking around.
Good luck.
If hes just saying that for some reason and its not true - and you do have a healthy sex life - then you need to tell him how much it bothers you and work out some kind of compramise, and find some middle ground that stops the sneaking around.
Good luck.
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