Father/Daughter relationships - How close is too close?

[crystalmichelle]

My boyfriend is divorced and his 10 year old daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend; During the summer she stays for longer periods of time.  Before I moved in and a few months after my boyfriend would allow his daughter to sleep in his bed and if I fell asleep in our bed he would sleep with her downstairs in her bed.  This bothered me so I asked him to please give her structure in our home and I asked for 2 things: 1) SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A BED TIME and be consistent with putting her to bed at that time. 2) DO NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND/OR LAY WITH HER INAPPROPRIATELY. These 2 issues bother me enough that I consider leaving.  My boyfriend does not see the importance in having a bed time for a child.  In his mind its the weekend so who cares how late she stays up.  He says that he does not get to spend that much time with her so every hour counts.  I agree with this just not when the child is staying up until 3-4am.  During this time she will scream out daddy! daddy! daddy! telling him she is sick, cold, thirsty, or scared. He runs to her every time she screams for him even if it causes us both to get 3-4 hours of sleep.  She used to crawl into our room and stand above her dad until he woke up.  I think there needs to be structure and when 9:30 on weekdays and 11pm on weekends rolls around then it is lights out and time to go to bed.  I don't think this is time for one more t.v. show or a bike ride then THINK about getting ready for bed.  Or the daughter negotiating on a bed time. Am I being to harsh on expecting a bed time and the bed time not include my boyfriend sleeping with her until she falls asleep?  I work late nights so I came home one night to see him spooning his daughter.  I know there is not sexual abuse but it is weird and freaks me out knowing he lays with her the same way he lays with me.  I am a strong individual and was raised by a mother and father who showered me with love and I never once saw anything like this.  When we take naps he will lay on the couch with her either infront of him stretched out or she will lay behind him with her arms around him and sometimes her legs wrapped over his.  She will lay her head on his lap near his package when watching t.v. as he strokes her arms, hair, and back to relax her.  He took her to drive his car and sat her on his lap which I feel she is way too old to be sitting on her dad that way.  When they play around she has put her crotch in his face to hold him down and she slaps his butt.  She has her body pressed all over his and I feel this is not right for a child who is approaching puberty.  When ever I show some affection she will try to duplicate it and that is why I try not to be too affectionate towards him infront of her. Simple things such as holding hands or hugging. I will ask for a neck massage which includes oil before I go to work sometimes and if she is there she will continuously say "me next" "me next" until he is finished with mine.  I personally feel weirded out by him putting oil all over neck and back since she has to pull her shirt up for him to do it.  I just don't like it!  My mom rubs my neck all the time but I feel there is a difference in the way my mom is allowed to touch me and the way my dad touches me.  I was laying on the couch with him one afternoon and I saw his daughter come out of her room and then all of a sudden she saw us laying on the couch so she dropped to the floor and crawled back in her room thinking no one saw her.  She then pretended to be sick for 6 hours until I went to work.  I told him that as soon as I went to work she would be fine and sure enough, as soon as I went to work she was cured from her sickness!  He does not see the manipulation that she pulls on him!  I need to know if I am freaking out when I see them laying all over each other for no reason or am I the one who is in the wrong for asking these things from him?  Am I being to strict when I ask for a bed time? Do I leave if these issues are not corrected.  

[Emily_MHManager]

Hi everyone -

We are closing this thread.  It has served it's purpose, and the original poster hasn't been back since 2009, and has probably resolved this situation by now.

Thanks,

Emily

        ****************************  CLOSED THREAD  *********************
                                       NO MORE POSTS, PLEASE

[nursegirl6572]

Who is Mrs. Happiness?  Who is your post directed to?  Did you look at the date of this thread?

Of course there is a difference between an affectionate dad and an abuser...who ever said there wasn't?  Where did you get that 99% of dads do NOT sexually abuse their children?  That figure is not correct...I wouild like to see your source for that.

Bottom line...there ARE behaviors that are just inappropriate that send up red flags...and as a mother...I would rather someone err on the side of caution to protect a child if they see something concerning rather than just "assume" nothing terrible is going on, and turn a blind eye.

You seem VERY angry, and your anger here is misdirected.  Like specialmom said...if you have a question, or would like to start a conversation, it would be better to start a new thread, instead of bumping this one that is very old.

[stoney1215]

so what exactly is he doing with her that is not acceptable . sleeping in the same bed ? are you saying that you are unable to sleep in the same bed as your son without molesting him ? i hope not . hugging and kissing ? a fathers worse day is when his daughter stops kissing him on the lip . to her it becomes dirty and wrong . why ? because society says it is ? why ?
it makes me sad and angry that our society is full of so many sick and disgusting people that have sexual thoughts when they see affectionate dads with their daughters . its bad enough when you have those disgusting thoughts about kids its down right wrong and dangerous when you project your filth on other people .  
does abuse happen ? absolutely . it does not happen with 99% of dads . those real men could never even imagine how someone could be so sick to think that way . you should be ashamed of yourselves . get help .

[specialmom]

Hi there.  As a reminder, this post is from 2009.  It is very old.  If you'd like to ask a question or begin your own thread, please it back to community.  Then go to the top of the page and hit post question.  Thanks and good luck

[stoney1215]

i think it is a pretty simple thing . do you think there is anything inapropriate happening between him and his daughter ? if the answer is yes then you should immediately leave him and get the authorities involved . if the answer is no then obviously you are seriously over reacting .

society has conditioned us to make every man out to be a ********* or child molester or sexual predator . as a man and as a dad it makes me sick every time someone looks at me and thinks what ever disgusting things their sick minds think of .  

trust yourself . if you think there is something going on get out and protect the child . if you do not think there is something going on find fault in society and think for yourself . dont ruin a relationship because society is sick .

[Simba8nala]

Hi I'm still a teenager(16) but I never did anything like that with my father. One time we went camping and he was beside me sleeping and unconsciously rolled into a spooning position but when he woke up he moved immediately. I guess it really just depends on how you were raised and the way you think. I feel like massages with oil are very odd from father to daughter. The same with laying on top of him. Sitting on his lap seems normal to me though cause I would still do the same with my father. I have not seen him since 6th grade though but I will this month. Anyways bed time and sleeping in the same bed need to be fixed. And playing sick is probably something she does to get more attention because she does probably feel she competes with you for his attention. Start with the bed time and sleeping issue and then bring up your views on the rest. Good luck:)

[Simba8nala]

Hi I'm still a teenager(16) but I never did anything like that with my father. One time we went camping and he was beside me sleeping and unconsciously rolled into a spooning position but when he woke up he moved immediately. I guess it really just depends on how you were raised and the way you think. I feel like massages with oil are very odd from father to daughter. The same with laying on top of him. Sitting on his lap seems normal to me though cause I would still do the same with my father. I have not seen him since 6th grade though but I will this month. Anyways bed time and sleeping in the same bed need to be fixed. And playing sick is probably something she does to get more attention because she does probably feel she competes with you for his attention. Start with the bed time and sleeping issue and then bring up your views on the rest. Good luck:)

[vickisuezannea]

It is too much...spooning??  Laps and handhilding. Whho is the child and who is the girlfriend. Where is the line?  It may not be sexual but certainly inappropriate.

[specialmom]

Hi, welcome to med help.  I just wanted to say again that this is an old thread and would suggest starting your own thread if anyone wants to further this discussion.  

[snappy11]

OMG....i am going throuh the exact same situation! Its his 10 year old adopted daughter. I cannot tell him how it freaks me out because he tells me that when it comes to his daughter,i have absolutely no Say so. My opinion forestry matter. She to stays up as late as she wants.and lately wham i get up to get a drink i see them spooning and he alwsys sleeps in his underwear. I remember growing up if i saw my father in his underwearpast age 5...eww and it was on accident. Gross. his daughter is with us more than she is with Her mother and on top of it all....he had lead her to believe that i am just s friend! We are never affectionate ever, in front of her...so no fighting for his attention on either of our behalfs. I too think of leaving because of it
snappy11

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  The original poster of this thread asked this question in 2009.  If you'd like to start your own thread, please go to the top of this forum and hit post question.  

Glad your situation is working out better for you.  

I do think that kids can be affectionate and it is okay.  When it is interfering with one's relationship, it is something to take up with the adult in the situation rather than the child.  If a child is being 'manipulative' in some way, it is for the adult to set a bounary.  good luck

[Priscilla_5]

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend and her younger sis.... Except they are not so cuddly with each other. My boyfriends younger sis would try 2 hug my boyfriend in front of me and tries to make it very noticeable. She has offended my brother and my mother and many times has been rude 2 me... Me and my boyfriend now have 3 1/2 and her sis is now 12, things have sure calmed down hugely because I talked to my boyfriend and I really tried to work with the situation.
How long have u been with ur boyfriend?? Maybe it's just a matter of time and patience.... I think the little girl is to young to understand her dad has someone else and it is totally understandable and it is totally understandable that u do not feel comfortable I wouldn't either:/ Just give it some time:)

[Priscilla_5]

I have someeeeewhat a similar situation with my boyfriend and her younger sis.... Except they are not so cuddly with each other. My boyfriends younger sis tries 2 hug my boyfriend in front of me and tries to make it very noticeable. She has offended my brother and my mother and many times has been rude 2 me... Me and my boyfriend now have 31/2

[specialmom]

Hi,  this is a VERY old thread.  If someone has a question, it is best to start your own rather than rehashing something posted a long while ago.  

thanks!

[jjenk8]

I know this is an old forum, I just happened to stumble upon it when searching for help and felt that the answers here were very interesting, thoughtful, and solid.

[jjenk8]

I need advice.

My fiancee's daughter is nine years old. I absolutely adore her and him and love all of our bond. We have gone through getting her to sleep in her own bed in the past year and its still hard some nights. I took over washing and rinsing her hair when she was 7. She has a tendency to not get all of the conditioner out.

Also, she loves to run around naked, which I told him I was uncomfortable with and he tells her she needs to clothe herself when not in the bathroom, but it is a struggle to this day to enforce.

She only spends every other weekend at our house. Her mom babies her very extensively. Her mom has been married for 3 years this month, and from day one her husband sleeps in another bedroom and the daughter chooses which bed she wants to sleep in while at her moms, her mothers or her stepfathers. This little girl loves to cuddle too. If she lays next to you on the couch or in a chair she wraps both arms around you, holds, your hand, and intertwines fingers. I was very uncomfortable hearing that a 35 year old man who is unrelated is sleeping with a, now, 9 year old little girl that cuddles like that.

When helping her with her hair about a year ago, she asked me if I would bathe her. I told her no and explained that she is at an age where she needs to be doing that on her own. She said, well mom still bathes me and that I was almost her stepmom and that was just like a mom. I replied with my usual response of I love her to the moon and back and am privileged and blessed to have her as part of my family, but you only have one mom and one dad, even though we may feel like extra parents Mom and Dad should always be separate from step mom and stepdad. She continued begging. I asked her what she would do if her mom wasn't home at bedtime. She said her stepdad would bathe her. He was like her dad because he was her stepdad. I told her real dad about this. He didn't do anything. His ex-wife is very aggressive and has a lot of money. Every time he brought situations up tp her in the past she hires a lawyer and they have to go back to court and she keeps threatening to take her from him.

She has gone as far as calling my place of work between undergraduate and graduate school to tell them to fire me or she was not going to refer patients to them any longer. She tells the daughter bad things about her father all the time. The first time I met her she said a negative comment about the father in front of me and the daughter. We had to meet with her because she had "forgotten" to give the daughter something  and than refused to call me demanding that I call her. The father tried reminding her I was bringing their daughter somewhere to assist them, I ended up calling her. I just wanted to give y'all an idea of that relationship to understand part of why I am struggling as to what to do.

About three months after that, she came to our house on a Thursday and I was helping her with her hair and saw she had press on tattoo cupcake on the insides of her iliac crests. Saturday when she was going to take a bath, I saw she still ahd the cupcakes and told her she needed to bathe better. She said she couldn't remove them. When I asked why she said because her stepfather "liked to eat her cupcakes."

I told my fiancee about this. He asked to see her cupcakes and made her show them to him and got upset about it,  I know that was the wrong reaction. I would have waited to tell him until she went to sleep and we could have talked about it if I would have known he was going to act like that. He talked to his ex-wife about it and she brought up and told him it was worse that I had signed the child's test paper when I was doing homework with her one night when my fiancé was getting home late and than went into going back to court.

Not long after this we were at our camp and I had gone to take a shower. About two minutes later she busts into the bathroom and jumps in with me. I was VERY uncomfortable. She still bathes with her mom in the bathtub is what she told me.

I really like her stepfather and do not imagine sexual activity, but I think it is teaching her very weird things about men and nudity and dependence and I just don't know what to do.

[leticia710]

There is nothing wrong with a father and daughtr being affectionate and laying together as long as nothing else is happening u sound jealous

[specialmom]

Sorry that happened to you hon.  Your gut tells you that things were definately wrong.  So, I'm very sorry.

Hope you've found a peaceful life for yourself now that you are an adult.  good luck

[baishagirl81]

I have "memories" I remember showering with my adopted father, seeing him naked... my adopted mom walking about naked, doing her makeup naked in my bathroom when she had a wonderful HUGE bathroom of her own... I have vague memories of him in my room at night... he would talk to his friends in PUBLIC about my breasts... my mom had him shave my legs for the 1st time in his shower in 7th grade.. I was mortified. I hate his smell, this hot musk at 30 I can still remember his smell... he would always want me to sit in his lap in his recliner even at 19 ( that's when I left and never came back)  They were NOT affectionate at ALL, no hugs wouldn't even hold my hand in the store in public.. but home that was different... I couldn't close my door to the bathroom or bedroom EVER... I still get dressed in my closet today.... as I grow older it I think it is more and more WRONG, he would slow dance CLOSE all the time with me and I didn't want to... he made me.... it was so uncomfortable.. but it wasn't just him it was HER as well, looking at me in the shower, watching me dress, picking out underwear I wouldn't let my kid wear... it was FU&*^D up..... struggling more today as I see the wrong in it....

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Always okay to draw the line with someone incuding your father.  I would make it clear that you are a big girl now and aren't wanting to cuddle and such.  

I give your dad the benefit of the doubt that he is just seeing you has his little girl and is affectionate.  I'm affectionate with my little kids now and probably will always want to give them hugs.  But I think you mention things that are intrusive to a young lady.  I also think that if you ask him to stop and he doesn't, that is an issue.

Do you have a mother?  An aunt or a Grandma???  I would tell them how you feel.  Ask them to help you.  

good luck

[nursegirl6572]

I completely agree with quietgirl.  Even though this may not be anything inappropriate per se, he is crossing a line YOU are uncomfortable with, and the fact that you've told him and he totally ignored you is not right.  You do not owe him an explanation, there shouldn't have to be a discussion about it...just you telling it makes you uncomfortable and that should be where it ends.

You need to be stern with him and tell him you simply don't like it.  Hugs hello and goodnight are fine....the rest of it...YOU make the boundaries.  I recommend you tell another adult what is going on as well.  Is your Mom in the picture?  A stepmom?  I really think maybe you should fill someone in...maybe someone else needs to lay it out on the line for him.

YOUR body, YOUR boundaries, YOUR rules, no exceptions.  That goes for anyone in your life, hon,

[thatquietgirl]

If it makes you uncomfortable, then your dad should respect that.  I would be uncomfortable, too.  Anything above your knee is not for just anyone to touch unless you want them to touch you there, and his comment about you letting your boyfriend touch you in certain ways does not justify his attempts to.  He is your father, not your boyfriend.  The intimacy factor is far different in a father-daughter relationship than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  If he doesn't stop the next time you tell him you're uncomfortable, then don't sit next to him, stay near another family member instead, and then if you're home alone, put something in front of your door if you can't lock it to avoid any uncomfortable behavior there.  A dad should realize by the time his daughter starts coming of age, he has to behave in a way that won't make her feel exposed/uncomfortable, and you're well past that point in life.

Be safe!

[AliciaWeenum]

Hello. I'm kind of having the same issue with my dad. Well I think my dad is too close to me, I'm 16 and my dad wants a huge when he gets home from work and when he goes to sleep. And he rubs my legs and I tell him it tickles and I don't like it but the. He'll reply with oh they're so soft and smooshy. And he'll go in my room Kay on my bed and wanna hug so he pushes me down with him and tries to get comfortable and today he like grabbed my ankles to try to pull me off the bed, as play nothing abusive, and he obviously could see my shorts were riding up. And I'm not sure how affectionate and what kind a dad should be showing. There was also this time where I told him I was uncomfortable and he got mad at me and told me what you let your boyfriend touch you(like be close and put their arms around me) but why not me and I wasn't sure how to answer that. Please email me @ ***@****

I really need answers because this has been going on for a few years.

[appletreez]

To stoney, I agree with you completely.  Men who sexually abuse their children are just as evil as women who are jealous of children.  Such women will end up abusing a child as well, since they cannot hold their resentments inside.  Both groups of society are sick and need help. Both are pushing their own sick adult impulses onto a child (the molester his sick sexual impulses...and the women their own jealous impulses).  Both have a specail place in hell, in my opinion.