wat to do

[yup600]

i have been with my girlfriend for three years but in these three year her x wont stop trying to get with her i asked her if she was still in contact with him an she lied to me is she cheating an what do i do

[seattlemom2plus]

I agree with Specialmom, communication is certainly the key, we can get into trouble when we start guessing how other people feel.  Definitely let us know what progress you make with this.

[specialmom]

I think we can forgive someone and begin to trust again more easily depending on WhY they lied. If she was afraid you'd get mad and she feels like she is just friends and didn't want to make a big deal out of it . . . and had a major lapse in judgement and chose not to tell you.  I'd really ask her why she felt the need to lie.  Sometimes in a relationship, someone can be afraid of another's reaction------------  fear of that feeling of "getting in trouble".  It was no big deal, so why make you mad type of thing.  

Or, she may be enjoying the ego boost of his attention to her.  You'd want to understand this and make sure that she doesn't seek outside attention from men for this reason.  We all like to feel 'wanted'---------- but we should direct it to the person we are with.  

Or, there could be more to it and she was actively hiding a relationship (that might not be them actually getting together but being emotionally attached) and this would obviously be something that I'd think twice if I were you in terms of staying together.

So, really talk to her and see where her head is at and go from there.  good luck

[seattlemom2plus]

Once a relationship encounters damage and there are trust issues it is really hard to repair them.  It will take some effort on her part too.  Keep in mind its ok to take a break on a relationship too.  If you need a week to yourself to kind of get your thoughts together, then don't forget its ok to take that time.  This might help her see where she is at too.  Keep us updated.

[brice1967]

Essentially if it does work out, you are saying that you are going to trust her.  Trust, once broken, is hard to get back.  

Trusting her is a decision that only you can make.

[yup600]

but even if it does work out should i still trust her

[yup600]

thank everybody for the advice now i have a clue where to start

[yup600]

i am 20 an she is 19

[bigz2011]

annie hit it right on the head. your not in control of her behaviour only Yours, and it can work for the best. f you tell heres your space to work things out and she returns she will be more serious however if she doesn't then it probably was never going to work why she's getting her ego boost

[brice1967]

Regardless of her intentions concerning her ex, if she is going to be in any relationship with anyone including you, she should let go of that relationship.  She may be getting a charge out of it, but it's at your cost.  That isn't fair.

Talk with her.  Explain your feeling and concerns.  Be 100% truthful without being hurtful and hope for the best.  She may or may not be getting anything form this double life, but it isn't fair to have you hanging in the wind, and she needs to know that.

Be prepared for every possible answer.

[AnnieBrooke]

You don't know in fact that she is cheating.  She might just be getting a secret power kick out of her ex's interest; she might simply like the guy but not want to be his girlfriend.  Only you can tell how her actions feel, whether they seem motivated by more than just friendship or not.  

If you ask her not to be in touch with him, you wind up just looking insecure, and that is not going to inspire her with new love for you ("sorry, I can't talk to you because my insecure boyfriend gets bothered by it" is not what you want her to be able to say to him).  

Are you teenagers?  Depending on how old you are, my thought is that she is getting a bit of an ego boost by the other guy's obvious interest, and maybe (if you're teenagers) you are not going to be able to change that because she is not old enough to know how to stop wanting the ego boost.  

It's possible that you could make her think everything over and decide to knock off the double life. If you do this, you have to be ready to stop with her if she decides to stick with the other guy, but it might be worth it.  You come at the topic with no whining, no blame.  [Say his name is Mark --]  just tell her in a calm and focused way, "I don't really get the impression that you are over Mark.  Let 's break it off so you can make up your mind with no pressure."  Then do it, walk away.  Don't call, don't spy, don't cry.  She will probably decide pretty fast that getting a power thrill out of  little flirtation is not worth losing you.

[RainLover71]

She has to make a choise,you or him.That simple.One more thing,do you really want to continue a relationship with someone that,s cheated on you?Don,t play second fiddle,your worth more than that.All the best.