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He wants anal sex but I do not. I don't want to loose him...
My boyfriend has expressed how much he likes anal sex and how it has been an impotant part of his sex life. The problem is, I have never liked it. It is uncomfortable for me and I don't feel it is necessary. When I tell him that I dont want to do it, he tells me that he would be gentle and do it properly where it wont be painful. He thinks that if I just gave it a try that I would really like it. He's getting this idea because other women he has dated would do anal intercourse with him and liked it. Also, he has a very large penis. It was difficult enough to take it in my vagina much less the thought of it in my a$$. He says he just cant understand why I would deny myself such pleasure. The subject has stressed me out so much that I cant enjoy our relationship. He is a very loving, affectionate and supportive man so everything except the anal subject has been wonderful. The affection he gives is not something I've gotten from most men I've dated in the past and it's hard to give that up but at the same time, I dont think anal intercourse is something he is willing to give up either. I don't know what to do. Any advise?
well, you absolutely have every right to deny him- so never forget that!
But- my husband really wanted to try it- and I was very aprehensive. I did not want to either. We started slowly- first with small toys and stuff. It did hurt a little bit at first.. but after a little bit I definately enjoy it. It took our sex life to a whole new level.
So, not that I want to say you are closed minded, but keep your mind open. Don't go strait for his penis in there! Especially if it is large. But keep your mind open to some anal play... maybe get a small toy or vibrator, and do not forget the lube!!
Best of luck.
But- my husband really wanted to try it- and I was very aprehensive. I did not want to either. We started slowly- first with small toys and stuff. It did hurt a little bit at first.. but after a little bit I definately enjoy it. It took our sex life to a whole new level.
So, not that I want to say you are closed minded, but keep your mind open. Don't go strait for his penis in there! Especially if it is large. But keep your mind open to some anal play... maybe get a small toy or vibrator, and do not forget the lube!!
Best of luck.
1 Comments
I have the same problem with my ex I finally dumped him. At first we had real sex for both of us then it turned into nothing but him wanting anal sex which I didnt like and repeatedly told him hurt and I didt enjoy it. Then he refused to have sex with me at all if I didnt do it that way. It really is a form of power and control and emotional and sexual abuse. Someone who loves you doesnt want to hurt you or scare you. hugs! be strong! Dont be pressured by outside sources listen to yourself! You are enough if he doesnt see that than he has a problem!
It seems unfathomable that someone who's as "...loving, affectionate and supportive" as you describe would walk from a relationship over something as non-essential and painful (to you) as anal sex. After all, the balance of a healthy relationship ought not to weigh on whether or not an anus is penetrated. There's more to life, love and sex than that! But, if he choose to leave you over this... well then, maybe he wasn't all that "wonderful" to begin with.
My guess is that he figures that if he insists and asks often enough, he'll wear you down until you submit. And, if you do submit; there'll be no end to it. So, if you don't want to engage in anal sex, just tell him, no... without drama and without further discussion.
My guess is that he figures that if he insists and asks often enough, he'll wear you down until you submit. And, if you do submit; there'll be no end to it. So, if you don't want to engage in anal sex, just tell him, no... without drama and without further discussion.
It's not necessary to have anal sex to have a fully satisfying sex life. I once dated a guy who was very big on anal, I found out by accident that the girl he dated after me, he only wanted anal sex with (it was obviously a pattern as he had been my introduction to it). Much later, as it turned out, he came out of the closet. I always wondered if he preferred anal because he didn't want to deal with the reality of breasts reminding him he was having sex with women. This guy was so deep in the closet that he even proposed marriage to me, so it's not like he consciously knew he was gay at the time.
Whether or not that has anything to do with your situation, the more your boyfriend protests, especially showing lack of concern that it is painful for you, the more I'd worry that he is letting his sexual preferences be more important than anything else in the relationship.
Whether or not that has anything to do with your situation, the more your boyfriend protests, especially showing lack of concern that it is painful for you, the more I'd worry that he is letting his sexual preferences be more important than anything else in the relationship.
If he is this hung up on anal sex, I would question why, and he should honor the fact that you are not willing and that should be the end of it. Personally imo, there is an entrance and an exit and the two are not to be confused. If he cannot handle that then maybe he needs to go the way of those who like to have sex that way. I dont believe in compromising ones self in order to not lose someone. If he cannot respect your feelings then you never had him to begin with. Shove it up his butt and see if he likes it and if he does, your not the right gender for him. imo
Interesting thought, teko. Do you suppose all his insistence is really about the fact that he wants to get around to having this done to him, and figures that the only way not to weird out his girlfriend with this request it to get her liking it first? She could test the issue by buying a dildo his size and some lube, and surprising him with it some night.
Chatty, I think this relationship is doomed. This isn't just a guy who's curious about anal sex, this is what he prefers obviously. He's not willing to give it up.
When you say you don't want to do this, it's uncomfortable for you, do you mean you've tried it and found it to be uncomfortable/painful/whatever? What does he say when you say well I HAVE tried it and I don't like it?
I don't see this relationship lasting. When you're dating you find people who are "matches" and people who aren't.
It seems that primarily he wants anal sex, and you don't, so this is a no fault break up. You two aren't a match.
I would be this blunt with him, and accept his blunt answer:
"The answer is no on anal. No. No amount of begging and wheedling and telling me I like something I don't is going to change anything, the answer is no. Is that a deal breaker because we shouldn't waste any more time in this relationship together if we're still arguing about this". And then just proceed from there.
When you say you don't want to do this, it's uncomfortable for you, do you mean you've tried it and found it to be uncomfortable/painful/whatever? What does he say when you say well I HAVE tried it and I don't like it?
I don't see this relationship lasting. When you're dating you find people who are "matches" and people who aren't.
It seems that primarily he wants anal sex, and you don't, so this is a no fault break up. You two aren't a match.
I would be this blunt with him, and accept his blunt answer:
"The answer is no on anal. No. No amount of begging and wheedling and telling me I like something I don't is going to change anything, the answer is no. Is that a deal breaker because we shouldn't waste any more time in this relationship together if we're still arguing about this". And then just proceed from there.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Coming in after all of this great advice. I agree that a heart to heart is necessary here. You've tried it, your not into it, and end of story. No sense pretending you love it or doing it just for him as that isn't going to really build intimacy for the two of you. He'll either say -------- "hey, I'd like you to enjoy our sex life" or "hey, love ya but love the anal and am off to find some". It really is that simple. Sometimes we are compatible with someone sexually and sometimes we aren't. And when we aren't, I'd always suggest not to go further with the relationship. Good luck
Youve got every right to deny him that. No means no-end of the story. Furthermore, if this guy is that loving and affectionate, why would he insist on something that you have clearly said no too???
Bottom line is....no means no! End of the discussion. If he cant deal with that, dont compromise your feelings/body for a guy who isnt considerate of your feelings/body.
Bottom line is....no means no! End of the discussion. If he cant deal with that, dont compromise your feelings/body for a guy who isnt considerate of your feelings/body.
If a man desires a B.J. maybe he should first perform one. If a man desires anal sex maybe he should be penetrated there himself - maybe he needs to see how difficult these feats can somethimes be.
But seriously, You should not be pressured to do anything that brings You discomfort - physically OR emotionally. If this is a deal breaker for him maybe You should consider why he would end a relationship over anal sex. That doesn't sound particularly loving, sensitive or affectionate. You should not have to compromise Your feelings for fear of losing this relationship.
But seriously, You should not be pressured to do anything that brings You discomfort - physically OR emotionally. If this is a deal breaker for him maybe You should consider why he would end a relationship over anal sex. That doesn't sound particularly loving, sensitive or affectionate. You should not have to compromise Your feelings for fear of losing this relationship.
In short, as you have had lots of advice, NEVER do anything you don't want to do. You need to work on your self esteem, and work on your strength to be firm about it, because it simply sounds like you are way to vulnerable, thus he only sees that, and that's the only reason he keeps mentioning it. It's not that he doesn't care about you, it's that you aren't being firm in what you want, you are still in the mindset that you should please him, when in all truth, you shouldn't care about that. Anal sex is not the only way he can be satisfied, and it's not going to be the end of his world, and certainly, won't be a reason for him to leave you, those are your own fears you need to work on.
Most of the people who are responding must be secretly wishing your relationship fails. The reality is, if you love the guy, I mean really love him, you are going to have to try this for him. Sometimes you have to do things you dont enjoy doing for the sake of love.
Most of these people responding are not in love, and probably have never been in love. When you love somebody you will do anything for them ( within reason ). His request is certainly not out of line.
If you end up taking the advice of the people on this forum and "never do anything you dont want to do" you will surely never have a lasting loving relationship, and you will probably regret it when you are old and dying alone.
Most of these people responding are not in love, and probably have never been in love. When you love somebody you will do anything for them ( within reason ). His request is certainly not out of line.
If you end up taking the advice of the people on this forum and "never do anything you dont want to do" you will surely never have a lasting loving relationship, and you will probably regret it when you are old and dying alone.
Forgive me, sir, but that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. I wish I had time to discuss it now but I don't.
Jim
Jim
What Jim said,,, Frankj93, that's a pretty ridiculous thing to say.
If your wife asked you to pour a bottle of Tabasco Sauce all over your penis just prior to having intercourse with her because it feels good to her, would you endure the EXCRUCIATING agony/pain of that just because she wanted to do it?
chattypatti- I'm going to follow the part-line on this one and say, don't do anything that you don't want to do. If he decides to leave you just because you won't let him put his penis in your pooper, then I'd say that he doesn't love you quite as much as you think he does.
My 2 cents.
If your wife asked you to pour a bottle of Tabasco Sauce all over your penis just prior to having intercourse with her because it feels good to her, would you endure the EXCRUCIATING agony/pain of that just because she wanted to do it?
chattypatti- I'm going to follow the part-line on this one and say, don't do anything that you don't want to do. If he decides to leave you just because you won't let him put his penis in your pooper, then I'd say that he doesn't love you quite as much as you think he does.
My 2 cents.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree. Most here are in relationships and have been for a long time. I'm married over 10 years and my husband wants me to enjoy myself in the bedroom (sometimes even when that means just sleeping!). I can honestly say that I've never participated in anything I was opposed to, found painful, or didn't want to do nor has he begged, coerced or even asked me to. It would be a turn off to many a man to think their partner wasn't enjoying something. Isn't it about mutual satisfaction? Well, it should be.
I'm of the belief that that particular portion of the anatomy is intended as a point of exit, not entry, nor is it designed by God, evolution, or who ever else might have created us...it does not expand to accept a penis, has no natural lubrication, requires extensive cleaning prior to entering nor all sorts of safeguards to prevent bacterial transmission post intercourse.
My opinion of course.
Omg, I am having some seriously disturbing thoughts right now and it's scaring me that I can be so *evil*..LOL! My husband likes anal too. Does he get it? Nope! And he respects that. I tell him that if he'll take it, so will I. He makes an "ewww" face and says no way.
I have always been curious as to why anyone would like to take it in the poop chute? Sex and poop just aren't a good combination to me. I guess to each his own though...
I have always been curious as to why anyone would like to take it in the poop chute? Sex and poop just aren't a good combination to me. I guess to each his own though...
Jim...I'm laughing so hard at your last post. And I love that gag underwear that says "exit only" on the bum.
I have to agree with everyone saying that frank's comment is ridiculous. I've been with my husband for nearly 8 years and while I try to please him in the bedroom (I'll go out on a limb, try things he wants to try, have sex when I don't to sometimes but not if I REALLY don't want to) if I were truly opposed to something he would respect it. because THAT is true love. not just doing what the other person wants. THAT is being controlled.
I have to agree with everyone saying that frank's comment is ridiculous. I've been with my husband for nearly 8 years and while I try to please him in the bedroom (I'll go out on a limb, try things he wants to try, have sex when I don't to sometimes but not if I REALLY don't want to) if I were truly opposed to something he would respect it. because THAT is true love. not just doing what the other person wants. THAT is being controlled.
well, thank you Ashelen. I've managed to exist for 60 years without it and the thought of it does nothing for me, nor would I ever want to do anything against my wife's wishes and don't.
Jim
Jim
I've been with my husband 5 years married almost 3 of those. We are very much in love and he asked me to give anal a go. I did. It hurt like h3ll...it hasn't happened since. Guess what, his love for me out weighed his want for anal sex. To say that everybody wants your relationship to fail and none of us are in love or relationships is absolutely ridiculous
Please do NOT do anything you are not comfortable with. If he truly cares for you, he will not continue to push for such an act to happen. What Beargizmo(Jim) said is true..."it does not expand to accept a penis, has no natural lubrication, requires extensive cleaning prior to entering nor all sorts of safeguards to prevent bacterial transmission post intercourse" which is something to really think about. I've been with my boyfriend for a while and he would never want me to do anything that I don't want to.
There is also risk of causing damage to the various blood vessels and other stuff within the target area that can cause some unpleasant and perhaps serious complications with which one might not want to deal.
Jim
frank, a little of what you say is true, and if he were asking her to do this rarely, like say once every 5 years, I think that would be something worth considering to save an otherwise excellent relationship.
This is what this guy prefers. He would want it several times a week.
And as others have said, not only is this painful, it's unhealthy.
I don't see anyway to make this work out.
And I've been married 25 years and understand flexibility and compromise. But this doesn't fit in that category.
This is what this guy prefers. He would want it several times a week.
And as others have said, not only is this painful, it's unhealthy.
I don't see anyway to make this work out.
And I've been married 25 years and understand flexibility and compromise. But this doesn't fit in that category.
My Hubby was asking me to try it for quite a while, and all the time! UGH
I never told him no but I told him I was not ready to try that, I suggested maybe start by using a finger to see how that felt.
It was not bad at all and eventually I did let him "enter the exit" and with lots of lube it was good. I would say keep a open mind and start slowly. We do not do this often, maybe a special occasion but to tell you the truth my hubby hasn't asked for it in years, and I am not about to bring it up! LOL I think it was just something he had never done with anyone else and maybe the old girlfriends thought of it as a "exit only" also
I have some friends that flat out refuse with the "exit only" in mind! Some friends are cool trying it too. I kinda think if your not willing to try then you are kinda prudish. But that's my opinion of course.
Did he ever say he would leave you if you did not let him? Prolly not, I think your just so paranoid that he will because you won't. You need to talk to him. Go buy him one of those Anal pocket pals. Then he can go have his way with that! LOL
Good Luck
I never told him no but I told him I was not ready to try that, I suggested maybe start by using a finger to see how that felt.
It was not bad at all and eventually I did let him "enter the exit" and with lots of lube it was good. I would say keep a open mind and start slowly. We do not do this often, maybe a special occasion but to tell you the truth my hubby hasn't asked for it in years, and I am not about to bring it up! LOL I think it was just something he had never done with anyone else and maybe the old girlfriends thought of it as a "exit only" also
I have some friends that flat out refuse with the "exit only" in mind! Some friends are cool trying it too. I kinda think if your not willing to try then you are kinda prudish. But that's my opinion of course.
Did he ever say he would leave you if you did not let him? Prolly not, I think your just so paranoid that he will because you won't. You need to talk to him. Go buy him one of those Anal pocket pals. Then he can go have his way with that! LOL
Good Luck
I wouldn't call it prudish that someone doesn't want to ever try anal sex. I am in the health field and know all of the risks of complications associated with this type of act. I will not put myself into a situation where my own health can be affected in a negative way. The anus is not meant for a penis to be in it. If it were, it would be made differently.
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