is it normal cause to me its not? 16 year old daughter and father are too close???

[nikkiminaj265]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years kno and recently we went to pick up his two daughters from their moms house for thanksgiving braek. One of his daughter is 12 and the other one is 16. He spends more time with the 16 year old and it freaked me out to see that I walked in the kids room and they were both playing on the bed with the lights off? And the 12 year old was all alone in the living room watching tv. After that the 16 year old went to our room and was on the laptop and my boyfriend and I were watching tv in the living room when I get a fone call as soon as I picked up the phone he went to our room so I followed him quietly and I saw him rubbing her legs and that freaked me out even more. I was mad so I decided to sleep on the couch. When I wake up I see the both in the bed and he was hugging her like he would hug me. I got mad and I even think I was a little jelous but maybe because I have never seen them two so close. And the whole time they were her he would treat the younger one different cause she came up to me and asked me why her dad only played with the older girl? Also he didn't want to be as loving with me as usual. For example every night he hugs me and when the girls were here he just ignored me and as soon as we dropped them off he started being all lovely kissing me often telling me I love you holding my hand..ohh and lastly he get jelous when she talks to boys he is always reading her Facebook wall and messages and tells her to stop talking to boys I understand that that's wat parents do but I just think she is to old to be playing like that? Am I wrong for thinking like that?? I always have that on my mind and I don't know how to tell him. He knows something is don't because hes constantly asking mi what's don't what are yu thinking. I just don't know how to tell him that I don't like the way he plays with his daughter. I would understand if it was the 12 year old cause she is still young but he ignores her as well.?? What should I do?

[specialmom]

I guess you have a warning bell of some sort and if you can differentiate that from just the jealousy part ----  that is good.  Being able to talk to a significant other about our concerns in life is important for a relationship to last and be a good one.  You don't have to accuse him of anything----  and frankly, I always clarify that in the beginning because if someone is implying that their partner is molesting their child or sexual with them in any way, that is pretty huge.  If you ever believed that----  I'd have to question YOU as to why you'd want the guy and plead with you to protect his child from him.  But 99% of the time it isn't that but that someone is just uncomfortable with the affection level between parent and child for whatever reason.  I'm a person that picks battles and tries to see things from other's point of view before I make a mountain out of a mole hill.  

And this didn't sound all that fishy to me.  I'm not there and it is you that has the warning bell going off.  So, your best bet is to have a casual conversation with him.  YOu could say----  you are really affectionate with X (the 16 year old) but not so much with X (the 12 year old).  Why?  And then stay completely quiet while he answers.  There may be a pause and you say nothing during that.  This is a powerful tool---  so often we rush ahead and just start interjecting.  But when we want answers, the quieter we are, the more we'll get.  Then you can mention that you aren't used to such affection between a father and older teen daughter.  You are trying to get used to it but it does occasionally make you uncomfortable.  And then again be silent to see what he says.  

Do you feel he is hurting his younger daughters feelings?  

Good luck----  hard to blend families for sure!

[Londres70]

Hmmm.....strange how he is only playing around with the 16 year old and not the 12 year old.  I have a 13 year old stepdaugher and a 15 year old stepson and my husband plays with both of the children equally, but NEVER in any questionable manner.  I am not sure why your bf is favoring the 16 year old over the 12 year old.  

From what you have posted I would be more "freaked" out; not jealous.  I believe you have a right to question this or have concerns.  Has nothing to do with whether you are a girlfriend or a wife.  

I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him how his 12 year is feeling.  Something just doesn't sound right in my opinion.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  

[lucknlove1989]

I dont think there is anything wrong with your concerns of how close they are. I think any womans instinct would kick in wen seeing something like that happen. I definitely believe it sounds like inappropriate behavior and I was always close to my father but never would we be alone in the dark on my bed when I was 16, nor would he seem bothered by my talking to other boys. To me it sounds like you really need to speak with him in regards to the behavior you witnessed. If even his 12 year old daughter is feeling neglected because of how much time he puts into spending with the 16 year old then it definitely sounds like something isnt right

[nikkiminaj265]

Thanks for the comments and to be honest I have known them for 2years and they are great kids but its just this time that I see then too close they never were this close. And yes I can say I was a little jealous but it was also very wired for me to see them too close. And he wouldn't want to play with his other 12 year old daughter? Also his passed relationship was with an 19 year old and he is 38 so I guess that's also why I might be thinking wrong. And you are right I should talk to him but I just don't know how. He might think I'm crazy for thinking wrong.

[brice1967]

Yeah, I agree with special mom with this issue.  Could be nothing and you just jumping to conclusions, or it could be accurate and you should be in touch with authorities.

I also think that communication is key.  You need to be able to talk openly about things.  This does not mean you accuse him of something and wait for his response.  What it does mean is, you can voice your concerns regarding your observations and your feelings towards this interaction with one child and not the other.

If the problem is just you, then you can work on that.  If it turns out to be something inappropriate, then you can make those moves as well.

[specialmom]

Are you accusing him of being sexual with her?  Or are you jealous?  There is a big difference.  If one is that you feel he is sexual with her---  well, why the heck would you stay with him.  The other is more your problem than his, in my opinion.  Here is why I say that---  people come from all different kinds of backgrounds.  Some come from very open and affectionate homes.  Some come from homes in which they view that once a child (and as a mom, I can say that my kids are always my babies and really don't see affection as sexual with one's kids) is of a certain age (or even before----  some people are just not affectionate period) that the kids are off limits.  If she were your own dauhter would you see it the same way as you do now or does she represent something you don't like?  Like is he closer to her than you and that bugs you?  I ask that as a legitimate question.  Because I don't think it is fair for a new girlfriend (even if it has been 2 years) to judge the affection level between parent and child.  If you think he is sexual with her---  that is a different matter entirely and then you must call social services and leave him.  

Anyway, not sure about your communication level with him either.  Why can't you say that you feel a little uncomfortable with XY and Z.  Don't ask him to change it or accuse him of anything----  just tell him you are a bit uncomfortable and see what he says.  Being able to talk to a partner makes for a good relationship overall.

So, good luck and hope it works out for you.