Aa
I am falling....for the wrong person???
Ok, first off, I am so glad that there is a relationship forum here. I did not realize that until now. I am a clinically depressed person with anxiety disorder. I am a "family values republican"....whatever that means.
I got divorced in 2007. I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. I met a girl through school activities. She is 32 (I am 40) and at first I never thought anything about her. She was some woman with 4 kids. She also has tattoos which do not turn me on. The more I got to know her and her personality, the more I liked her. We joined on facebook and it got even more dramatic. She had issues, she had enemies. She has people busting out her car windows and stuff. She is very opposite than me. She has 4 kids from 3 men, one was an affair. She lived with a black man for a while (Let me get back to this). I found out stuff about her because I know the people she works for. She got pregnant in high school. I adore her! I adore her kids. They seem to like me. She asked me out and I am scared. The fact that she live with a black guy does not bother me at all but with the exception that I cannot "measure up" so to speak. I am not even above average for a white guy. She has all of this baggage but I would do anything for her. She is so awesome. I don't want to get hurt but I do not want to hurt her either. Can anyone give me some advice?
I got divorced in 2007. I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. I met a girl through school activities. She is 32 (I am 40) and at first I never thought anything about her. She was some woman with 4 kids. She also has tattoos which do not turn me on. The more I got to know her and her personality, the more I liked her. We joined on facebook and it got even more dramatic. She had issues, she had enemies. She has people busting out her car windows and stuff. She is very opposite than me. She has 4 kids from 3 men, one was an affair. She lived with a black man for a while (Let me get back to this). I found out stuff about her because I know the people she works for. She got pregnant in high school. I adore her! I adore her kids. They seem to like me. She asked me out and I am scared. The fact that she live with a black guy does not bother me at all but with the exception that I cannot "measure up" so to speak. I am not even above average for a white guy. She has all of this baggage but I would do anything for her. She is so awesome. I don't want to get hurt but I do not want to hurt her either. Can anyone give me some advice?
Don't believe the myths, a lot of black guys are not going to give you a measurement challenge. Also, as has been said so many times, it is not the length of the equipment but the enthusiasm of the person, that makes sex memorable.
If you really care about her, and aren't just being kind of entertained and titillated by the excitement of having a relationship with someone who wipes the eye of the dull Establishment life you have been living, then go ahead and see each other. Have fun with her kids. Try to help her minimize the poor choices that are giving her so much drama in her life. But don't go for her because she's forbidden fruit, and don't go for her out of rescue fantasies. Just go for her if you genuinely like her.
If you really care about her, and aren't just being kind of entertained and titillated by the excitement of having a relationship with someone who wipes the eye of the dull Establishment life you have been living, then go ahead and see each other. Have fun with her kids. Try to help her minimize the poor choices that are giving her so much drama in her life. But don't go for her because she's forbidden fruit, and don't go for her out of rescue fantasies. Just go for her if you genuinely like her.
I am not sure why all the reference to race/color as well as the statement that you are Republican; not really irrelevant here.
Well...I am not exactly sure what the attraction would be to this woman. Her situation sounds pretty extreme and "drama-ish;" NOTHING close to your "family values." In my opinion, you are two polar opposites. I don't see anything wrong with differences, but this is too extreme.
You can decline going out with her. Just because someone asks you out doesn't mean you are obliged to say yes. Don't see where you all have anything in common other than you both have children. Plus, would you want your child exposed to this nonsense?
"I found out stuff about her because I know the people she works for." Are all the things you stated in your post things that other people told you or things that she told you?
In my opinion, you have been given several "red flags"/reasons NOT to get involved with her if this INDEED is a accurate portrayal of her.
Hurt feelings or no hurt feelings, the sensible thing would be to back off this.
Well...I am not exactly sure what the attraction would be to this woman. Her situation sounds pretty extreme and "drama-ish;" NOTHING close to your "family values." In my opinion, you are two polar opposites. I don't see anything wrong with differences, but this is too extreme.
You can decline going out with her. Just because someone asks you out doesn't mean you are obliged to say yes. Don't see where you all have anything in common other than you both have children. Plus, would you want your child exposed to this nonsense?
"I found out stuff about her because I know the people she works for." Are all the things you stated in your post things that other people told you or things that she told you?
In my opinion, you have been given several "red flags"/reasons NOT to get involved with her if this INDEED is a accurate portrayal of her.
Hurt feelings or no hurt feelings, the sensible thing would be to back off this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Drama can make one feel 'alive' and it is a little exciting and many are initially drawn to it. Well, it gets very tiring.
The reason we date is to learn everything we need to know about someone in order to decide if we should move things to the next level. We have to use our mind as much as our romantic impulses.
I don't know if she'll present too much drama for you but encourage you to not look at anything that is a red flag.
I don't care about who she dated and what color they were---- but rather that she has enemies and drama going on with busting out car windows. You have a seven year old daughter------------ you need to keep HER life as drama free as possible.
If you didn't have her, I'd tell you to risk it. but since you have her and it sounds like she goes to the same school as this womans 4 kids, that could get sticky. I'd ask you to think long and hard about the repurcussions if things went bad on your daughter.
good luck
The reason we date is to learn everything we need to know about someone in order to decide if we should move things to the next level. We have to use our mind as much as our romantic impulses.
I don't know if she'll present too much drama for you but encourage you to not look at anything that is a red flag.
I don't care about who she dated and what color they were---- but rather that she has enemies and drama going on with busting out car windows. You have a seven year old daughter------------ you need to keep HER life as drama free as possible.
If you didn't have her, I'd tell you to risk it. but since you have her and it sounds like she goes to the same school as this womans 4 kids, that could get sticky. I'd ask you to think long and hard about the repurcussions if things went bad on your daughter.
good luck
Breaking out car windows is ALARMING!! We all have people who are not fans of us but they don't break out our windows!! Beware and BE AWARE
She seems a bit promiscuous ("4 kids from 3 men") - my point is - there are "reasons" for promiscuity and likely it's childhood issues that have not been resolved. Beware and BE AWARE
Love is not "love at first sight" and it's not "fantasy" and it's not "physical attraction". LOVE IS A CHOICE. We would do better to realize we can AND should CHOOSE to love wisely AND compatibly. We need to be SMARTER about who we CHOOSE to love. Beware and BE AWARE
Good luck with Your CHOICES.
She seems a bit promiscuous ("4 kids from 3 men") - my point is - there are "reasons" for promiscuity and likely it's childhood issues that have not been resolved. Beware and BE AWARE
Love is not "love at first sight" and it's not "fantasy" and it's not "physical attraction". LOVE IS A CHOICE. We would do better to realize we can AND should CHOOSE to love wisely AND compatibly. We need to be SMARTER about who we CHOOSE to love. Beware and BE AWARE
Good luck with Your CHOICES.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree Tinkerbell----- love is definately a choice and we have to be smart about who we pick-------- especially when we have a child that is exposed to the situation.
Most people make mistakes in their life---- but that on facebook you see drama still happening today, one has to see that her life might not be that fun to tie yourself to.
good luck
Most people make mistakes in their life---- but that on facebook you see drama still happening today, one has to see that her life might not be that fun to tie yourself to.
good luck
Annie, Thank you, and thank all of you for the replies. Your "rescue fantasies" comment may be right on target. I have always been that way, drawn to try and be the hero of a woman. The "republican family values" was meaning I am the one woman, one man get married, don't live together, and divorce is bad, kind of guy. Of course I am divorced, due to my stupidity. However, my exwife and I get along great. I play cards with her husband. Anyhow, I think the dad of her last child may be the culprit of the drama and car issues. I am afraid because I haven't had these kind of feelings since the first month I met my exwife for the first time.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Remember tinkerbells comments, love is a choice. You can choose not to go down this path. I think that you will end up with more than you can or want to handle.
By the way, the divorce statistic for second marriages where kids are involved is 75%. Three out of four end in another divorce. Now, you don't know if you'll be that one out of four that makes it--- but smart choices right from the start sure do help your odds. I just am mentioning that to appeal to your "republican family values" and divorce is bad kind of guy attitude. :>)
good luck
By the way, the divorce statistic for second marriages where kids are involved is 75%. Three out of four end in another divorce. Now, you don't know if you'll be that one out of four that makes it--- but smart choices right from the start sure do help your odds. I just am mentioning that to appeal to your "republican family values" and divorce is bad kind of guy attitude. :>)
good luck
Alvaa, if you really think the "rescue fantasies" comment was it, then by no means should you date her. There is a whole lot to be said for liking someone a lot and enjoying talking to them a lot, and not going any further into dating. It gives you someone in your life that you always have a big smile for, and are glad to see in the hallway at school, and always like to talk to. Without any past attempted relationship to mess up things, you get to think she is great forever. Don't date her, just like her. :)
ps -- After the first argument, the tattoos would really bug you.
ps -- After the first argument, the tattoos would really bug you.
Well, the tattoos don't bother me. My ex-wife had 2. I really could fall for her, but I think about something else...If we date a while and it doesn't work out then I will lose a friend and simply adore her and her children and she is really good to my daughter.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ahhh, well. I think you've gotten really advice and it is unanimous. Your having trouble with it because you have a crush. your instincts are screaming to you that it is a bad move to get serious with her and that is why you posted. We all agree with your instincts. You can ignore that---- totally your right and we'll be here when you come crashing back to reality. :>))
In all truthfullness, I really worry about your daughter. When the relationship goes South, your daughter will be left with her kids in school and that is just plain awkward. Sure she's friendly. I'm friendly to all of my kids friends and my friends kids. Super friendly. Good to them. That is different than being their step parent. Time would tell how that would go down with her and her children and their various parents. It would be complicated to say the least. good luck
In all truthfullness, I really worry about your daughter. When the relationship goes South, your daughter will be left with her kids in school and that is just plain awkward. Sure she's friendly. I'm friendly to all of my kids friends and my friends kids. Super friendly. Good to them. That is different than being their step parent. Time would tell how that would go down with her and her children and their various parents. It would be complicated to say the least. good luck
But I also think of this... What if everyone followed the crowd or "the right thing to do" which would be stay away from this girl? She would live a hard and lonely life with no mate to love, and always going down the right path. She seems to be wanting to get things going on the right track. She's attractive, she's a good person, she's a good mom, she's not shallow or a gold digger, she doesn't do drugs.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Dear, she's had three men she's made kids with. She's not lonely. I'm just saying . . . I sincerely doubt she'll never date again if you choose to not be with her.
You can be friends with her, she just isn't good relationship material. That's all.
If you had no concerns, you'd not have written. Your gut is telling you something. We are confirming it. You are fighting that.
but it is your life to live . . . so whatever choice you make is fine. If it were just you, it wouldn't be as big of a deal but your child changes my opinion.
You can be friends with her, she just isn't good relationship material. That's all.
If you had no concerns, you'd not have written. Your gut is telling you something. We are confirming it. You are fighting that.
but it is your life to live . . . so whatever choice you make is fine. If it were just you, it wouldn't be as big of a deal but your child changes my opinion.
I know. I thank you all for your advice. Her boss is like my second mom. She was so excited to hear about us. She loves her to death and says that she has been through tough times throughout her life and she needs a good man like me.
I am seriously split 50/50 on this one. Especially because I have trouble with relationships. My anxiety gets me when I get into one and I am already agoraphobic, I don't want commitmentphobia also.
I am seriously split 50/50 on this one. Especially because I have trouble with relationships. My anxiety gets me when I get into one and I am already agoraphobic, I don't want commitmentphobia also.
That's great she is trying to "get on the right track," but you must realize you aren't responsible for her happiness and well-being nor should you be getting with her so that she can have someone to love her. Sounds like your feelings are based solely on pity.
In your initial post you state you have "family values." Obviously, this is important to you. This situation sounds like NOTHING close to that. She couldn't be any more opposite from your beliefs.
Plus, I would recommend thinking about your child's well-being before this woman's well-being. Your child doesn't need to be witnessing all this nonsense.
As Specialmom stated, I don't think you would have posted here unless you felt pursuing this women was something questionable.
The title of your post: "I am falling...... for the wrong person" says it all.
Your decision in the end though.
In your initial post you state you have "family values." Obviously, this is important to you. This situation sounds like NOTHING close to that. She couldn't be any more opposite from your beliefs.
Plus, I would recommend thinking about your child's well-being before this woman's well-being. Your child doesn't need to be witnessing all this nonsense.
As Specialmom stated, I don't think you would have posted here unless you felt pursuing this women was something questionable.
The title of your post: "I am falling...... for the wrong person" says it all.
Your decision in the end though.
You are not a Knight in Shining Armor
and
She is not a Damsel in Distress
Fairy Tales are fun when We are Young but when We grow up We need to be responsible for Our CHOICES and when the writings on the wall,
well..........
You're focusing on what You WANT to see and You're minimizing the rest.
You and She have CHOICES - the Children do not - and They will suffer if this fails. We all seem to be on the same page as regards the Children but if You don't listen to Our concerns then:
Listen to Your OWN misgivings and Your
OWN anxiety as You express them here!!
(Be Aware and BEWARE!!)
and
She is not a Damsel in Distress
Fairy Tales are fun when We are Young but when We grow up We need to be responsible for Our CHOICES and when the writings on the wall,
well..........
You're focusing on what You WANT to see and You're minimizing the rest.
You and She have CHOICES - the Children do not - and They will suffer if this fails. We all seem to be on the same page as regards the Children but if You don't listen to Our concerns then:
Listen to Your OWN misgivings and Your
OWN anxiety as You express them here!!
(Be Aware and BEWARE!!)
The kids will be fine. I am pretty good at being cordial with ex's, I don't know if she is. I don't know much personally about her. I helped her coach our soccer team, that's how we met. I would like to get to know her and see why things are the way they are before I make judgment upon her. My best friend's sister has 3 kids from 2 men and she has had issues, but she has straightened out and is a great person. I know a lot more like that. I am not trying to be the knight in shining armor. I really do like her a lot. As a matter of fact I think I am falling way faster for her than she is for me, which I tend to do, and I wear my heart on my sleeve, and tend to get hurt a whole lot, but I have been so cautious, very much too cautious since my divorce, that I don't know what is what. Dating at 40, when you don't go clubbing and dating websites have nothing but psychos and shallow women, *****.
P.S.
I meant to be done but I can't resist myself.
As regards my statements here and others as well:
If You see someone about to go over a cliff do You grab him by the ankle or do You stand there and wave good bye?
I sorta feel like I was waving good bye when I all I said was "good luck"
I meant to be done but I can't resist myself.
As regards my statements here and others as well:
If You see someone about to go over a cliff do You grab him by the ankle or do You stand there and wave good bye?
I sorta feel like I was waving good bye when I all I said was "good luck"
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm curious why you posted the question as there doesn't seem to be any question in your own mind when given reasons why this won't be a good idea.
If you suffer anxiety ----- this may be a quick fix for you as well.
But your mind is made up-------- good luck.
Oh, and 'don't worry about the kids, they'll be fine' is naive and misguided. You should always worry about your kids and how possible outcomes could affect them. Adult choices can certainly make kids suffer a good deal in their aftermath.
If you suffer anxiety ----- this may be a quick fix for you as well.
But your mind is made up-------- good luck.
Oh, and 'don't worry about the kids, they'll be fine' is naive and misguided. You should always worry about your kids and how possible outcomes could affect them. Adult choices can certainly make kids suffer a good deal in their aftermath.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I do sincerely wish you luck and hope it works out for you!
I have an update:
Tonight was our "date" but it was with the kids at an indoor (inflatables) playground. We had been here twice before together, but not since the revelation that we wanted to date each other. We sat and talked. At first, it almost seemed she was as nervous and shy as I was (she later revealed that she was nervous, in a txt message). She told me a good bit. Why things happened in her marriage. How much her oldest daughter doesn't like her dad because of things. She didn't open up all the way, but we made progress. I know that many people aren't spiritual, and I am agnostic a lot of the time, but I think higher powers are in the works with this. Something is happening that I have never experienced. If you believe in prayer, I think I need some right now, for the right path. If not, just give big thoughts that I make a good decision. About 12 hours ago I was so lost that I could have gone down a desperate spiral. Right now, I am feeling AWESOME!
Tonight was our "date" but it was with the kids at an indoor (inflatables) playground. We had been here twice before together, but not since the revelation that we wanted to date each other. We sat and talked. At first, it almost seemed she was as nervous and shy as I was (she later revealed that she was nervous, in a txt message). She told me a good bit. Why things happened in her marriage. How much her oldest daughter doesn't like her dad because of things. She didn't open up all the way, but we made progress. I know that many people aren't spiritual, and I am agnostic a lot of the time, but I think higher powers are in the works with this. Something is happening that I have never experienced. If you believe in prayer, I think I need some right now, for the right path. If not, just give big thoughts that I make a good decision. About 12 hours ago I was so lost that I could have gone down a desperate spiral. Right now, I am feeling AWESOME!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Here is the thing. My gut tells me this will end badly for you AND your daughter. but that is my gut and I'm not there. This thread has shown me that you already have a plan/idea and any type of intervention isn't what you are really seeking. I've been dead honest with you here . . . and will add that you have given ammo for gossip now ar your daughter's elementary school. Maybe you do not care but she may down the road. I'm not trying to be rude or rain on your parade but you have more to consider than just your hormones and attraction to a woman. I've been in enough relationships to know that we have the ability to make choices about partners. I'm in a stable long term marriage now because I really took the choice making process seriously. Maybe this will be the case for you as well but my gut just isn't agreeing. (rats---- wish it did because I know you'd love for this to work out . . . and maybe it will . . . )
If I were single with my boys, I'd most likely not date. If I did, I'd not bring my kids into it right from the very begining and do my adult romancing in private for a period of time. And I'd certainly not date someone at my kids school knowing the repercussions for my boys if it went bad. That's me. But I'm careful about my choices. You are not me and you will do what feels right for you.
Bringing me back to my original point that it matters not what I write here as this feels good to you right now and you want to do it. I wish you luck and am glad you had a fun time last night. peace
If I were single with my boys, I'd most likely not date. If I did, I'd not bring my kids into it right from the very begining and do my adult romancing in private for a period of time. And I'd certainly not date someone at my kids school knowing the repercussions for my boys if it went bad. That's me. But I'm careful about my choices. You are not me and you will do what feels right for you.
Bringing me back to my original point that it matters not what I write here as this feels good to you right now and you want to do it. I wish you luck and am glad you had a fun time last night. peace
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