I cheated and hate myself for it

[jameslk]

To anyone reading,
I need help. I'm absolutely ashamed of myself. I cheated on my wife recently. I met up with a family friend who has been flirtatious in the past, and we ended up having sex. It lasted no more than 5 minutes out of me realizing what I was doing and made myself stop. I've been a wreck ever since. I can't believe what I've done. I've never done anything like this to anyone, ever. I don't know what came over me, my wife means the world to me and I can't stand the thought of seeing her in pain after I tell her what I've done.
Which is why I am leaning towards not telling her, it would destroy her and our marriage would be over.

I know what I did was beyond wrong, all I want is for things to be normal again, I can honestly say that I'll never do something like this again. I've been up every night sick to my stomach because of what I've done. Is not telling her given this instance the right thing to do? Would it be selfish to unload all this guilt on her?
The individual I cheated with is also a family friend and her reputation is at stake too. I've really screwed up here.
I'm sorry.

I've currently undergone testing for all STD's, out of paranoia and fear. I would tell her if I contracted something, I'm also checking myself in to therapy, as I've felt for a long time that something isn't right with me. Am I wrong for keeping all this from her? I know this might sound like BS to you, but all I want to do is fix things without hurting her, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. So please believe me. Please.

Any advice is welcome.
Thank you.

James

[143Lucky]

I think it would be better to tell your wife the truth.. Being honest with your wife is part of marriage. I know it will hurt but if you realize your mistake and help your wife to understand what happend then she probably will thank you for being honest. It's better for you to tell her before that family friend chick ends up telling your wife. And its not good coming from another person's mouth when she finds out. Your wife will lose that trust in you. So if you appreciate the trust in your marriage then you go ahead and be a bigger person by confronting your mistake. And tell her that you love her. Good luck. Everyone makes mistakes

[mami1323]

You are very welcome, I'm glad to have helped you make a decision.  People don't always agree on the decisions they think a person should make.  Ultimately, you will do what you think is best for you and your family.  Continue with the therapy and do your best to make things up to your wife.  Good luck.

[dawnangela]

Well James you put this up on a forum and you will find everyone does have different opinions on things, im quite sure you would of known this..But i wish you the best of luck in what ever you decide to do then..

[coolas]

No, a family friend doesn't make it better - what a silly notion!  But, a family friend who is most likely married herself wouldn't be in the high risk category for an std..(yes, of course it's 'possible'), but to keep bringing up the possibility of an std.. I think it's more likely that the wife could find out from another source rather than she finds out through having an std, but of course this is just my opinion.  

[jameslk]

I don't mean to offend anyone here but I think I'd  like to be left alone now. I didn't intend to elicit such harsh arguments. I made a mistake and I am dealing with the consequences myself. I am now seeing a weekly counselor to work out my issues, this situation I put myself in wasn't one of lust, it has been a long brewing very deep and personal issue that I now wish I would have confronted sooner. I wasn't even attracted physically to this other person, that's how messed up this is.
I know many of you may not believe me and that's fine, I have always hated men that have cheated, it's the reason my parents split when I was younger, not placing blame, I'm just saying, you can't imagine the shame I feel.
To all of you that have been supportive, especially Mami1323, thank you, it has made me feel that maybe I can do this on my own. To everyone that has been brutally honest with me, thank you, I needed to hear/read it, particularly Judy246. You've all been beyond helpful.

This is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever done in my life and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it, even if my wife would for some reason, lord knows she deserves better, way better. You were all right, the stress and anxiety is almost unbearable and has begun taking a toll on me, I haven't been able to sleep well or eat all that much. Again, not trying to play sympathy, believe me, I don't deserve any. I went and got tested for all STD's, and tested negative on all fronts. I wouldn't in a million years do something so horrific as to pass along an STD to my wife, I have kept from being intimate with her. I don't know if I can be at this point in time, I feel filthy.

There are several things I don't think the folks here realize though.
This is a very important year for my wife, career wise. She needs to focus and give it her all, telling her about this horrible mistake would completely ruin this amazing opportunity she has been given. Say what you will say about me making excuses I don't care. She means more to me than anything in the world, regardless if this action would appear otherwise.
Another thing is that the "individual's" family is very close to mine, the wedge that would be driven in the relationship between my family and her's would be enormous, I cannot do that, I will not do that to them.
If the time comes and my wife somehow discovers what happened then so be it. I did the best I could and I don't care what any of you think, you don't know me, I truly did my best to be a good husband, I did. I know that I'm what's wrong in this relationship, and I'm now trying to fix that, without my wife getting hurt.
Thank you again everyone.


james

[Lucey12]

I cant believe so many people are saying not to tell. Its more than one person involved here.... TELL HER!!!! If I found out from someone else that ,y husband cheated on me, Id be devastated that he cant tell me himself when he makes a mistake. Lieing is almost worse than cheating, you cant be trusted after you lie. If you tell her everything and go to a counselor and she sees your guilt every day, you might be able to save this.

I pray you tell her, get her a counselor, get her support and help, do it together and build your trust back WITH her.