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I want to get married, boyfriend doesn't
I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for 2.5yrs and have lived together for 2 yrs. I love him very much and know that he is right for me. He treats me like a queen. Every morning we wake up he showers me with kisses and hugs, among the many other things he does and says that makes me know that he loves me dearly.
Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage. I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed. But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also. My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.
A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be. After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready. I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty. I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it. We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally. I feel rejected. I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.
I just don't understand. Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is. We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together. One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that. I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.
Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.
Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage. I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed. But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also. My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.
A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be. After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready. I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty. I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it. We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally. I feel rejected. I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.
I just don't understand. Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is. We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together. One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that. I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.
Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.
Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have read that more couples divorce after years of living together than the ones who do not. Still, I think it is important to live together before marriage. But no woman should move in with a man without a commitment to marry--if that is what she wants. Get an engagement ring and set a date BEFORE moving in together. Never give any man 100% of your time, attention & love unless he is committed to you and only you.
But gals--more women are dis-satisfied with marriage than men are! Women have to carry & birth the children and most mothers are the primary caregivers of children. Many young women think marriage and children is a fairy tale way to live and that it's all sunshine and lollipops! Then they have a rude awakening. It's a lot of hard work!
But gals--more women are dis-satisfied with marriage than men are! Women have to carry & birth the children and most mothers are the primary caregivers of children. Many young women think marriage and children is a fairy tale way to live and that it's all sunshine and lollipops! Then they have a rude awakening. It's a lot of hard work!
Bonjour lovefool,
Definitely no offense taken. In fact I am a bit amused by your post which is typical and which is refered to among men as "a chick logic based argument". You ignore the main point of discussion and focus on the messenger himself, in other words you make an ad hominem attack. That is typical of women who argue and, consciously or not, act as if they are short of reasons or arguments. Answer the following; what does the fact that I may or may not have been lucky or not with women have to do with the fact that marriage is a losing proposition for men and should be avoided at all costs? In my opinion there are many reasons (for a man) for not marrying, I state one verifiable fact; a married man is responsible for the children his wife brings to this world, regardless wether he is or is not the biological father! What's more it would be illegal for him to control his wife's behaviour by warning her not to do it or opting out of fatherhood of a child that is not his! Just for the heck of it, try and reverse the genders, as in equality thinking, do you think that a wife is held responsible if her husband has a child, during their marriage, for which she is not the mother? Of course not! Then why the double standard at the expense of men? I bring forward a fact, the messenger's status has little relevance per se.
There are many more reasons for men to avoid marriage, to name a few; lifetime alimony after 10 years in some states, quasi automatic custody of the kids to the woman, no fault divorce (meaning you could be cheated upon and still have to lose 50% of your assets even if you are a victim), 50% chances of divorce with roughly 70% of the divorces initiated by women, etc.
Oh, so women have no control over their feelings? Then would that not be one more valid reason for men for not marrying? Why should a man put himself at the mercy of a woman's feelings/emotions/moods?
As for you being sorry for my situation of divorce, where the heck have I ever stated that I have been married? Wrong person!
There you have it.
Have a nice day,
Bobol
Definitely no offense taken. In fact I am a bit amused by your post which is typical and which is refered to among men as "a chick logic based argument". You ignore the main point of discussion and focus on the messenger himself, in other words you make an ad hominem attack. That is typical of women who argue and, consciously or not, act as if they are short of reasons or arguments. Answer the following; what does the fact that I may or may not have been lucky or not with women have to do with the fact that marriage is a losing proposition for men and should be avoided at all costs? In my opinion there are many reasons (for a man) for not marrying, I state one verifiable fact; a married man is responsible for the children his wife brings to this world, regardless wether he is or is not the biological father! What's more it would be illegal for him to control his wife's behaviour by warning her not to do it or opting out of fatherhood of a child that is not his! Just for the heck of it, try and reverse the genders, as in equality thinking, do you think that a wife is held responsible if her husband has a child, during their marriage, for which she is not the mother? Of course not! Then why the double standard at the expense of men? I bring forward a fact, the messenger's status has little relevance per se.
There are many more reasons for men to avoid marriage, to name a few; lifetime alimony after 10 years in some states, quasi automatic custody of the kids to the woman, no fault divorce (meaning you could be cheated upon and still have to lose 50% of your assets even if you are a victim), 50% chances of divorce with roughly 70% of the divorces initiated by women, etc.
Oh, so women have no control over their feelings? Then would that not be one more valid reason for men for not marrying? Why should a man put himself at the mercy of a woman's feelings/emotions/moods?
As for you being sorry for my situation of divorce, where the heck have I ever stated that I have been married? Wrong person!
There you have it.
Have a nice day,
Bobol
Dear Bobol ,
I do not want to offend you but I think you have many issues. From the advice you give, it seems like you have not had any luck with women in your life and you ve met the wrong ones and your advice/perspective is so biased and skewed. There are women b****** out there and gold-diggers just like there are abusive or cheating husbands or dumb ppl, that doesnt mean that ppl have to lose all hope and never try again. Marriage is a huge step and ppl should have their eyes fully open before it and half open after but that doesnt mean that you are going to have a divorce because statistics say so. You can choose to be coward and leave a marriage when things get tough or just cos you are a gold-digger but that doesnt mean that this is what you get when you get married. *Note here ladies: Im not talking bout cases of abusive spouse, in that case get a divorce right away!! I think that every wise person (not some light-headed dumb young/old person) should get married only if they feel their partner is a good person with respectable intentions that loves them and puts their needs and desires before their own not someone marrying you for the wrong reasons. There are not many reasons why men should not marry women unless of course the obvious ones "he's not that into you" or "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" and this all goes by for as long as we women, myself included, dont have any control over our feelings...As soon as that happens,when it reaches the boiling pt, unfortunately, we sweet and loving creatures turn into cold b******* that tell our dear bf to f*** off cos they didnt deserve us and that we will find someone that does...posts like the many above are to comfort us women until we get to that stage... It`s a shame men are not smart enough to understand whats going on and try to prevent all this... so yeah, Im sorry for your situation of the divorce, cos Im fully aware that there are plenty of women out there that misbehave and make men suffer but its not for everyone so the reasons men give shouldnt be generalized either!!
Good luck to all!!!
I do not want to offend you but I think you have many issues. From the advice you give, it seems like you have not had any luck with women in your life and you ve met the wrong ones and your advice/perspective is so biased and skewed. There are women b****** out there and gold-diggers just like there are abusive or cheating husbands or dumb ppl, that doesnt mean that ppl have to lose all hope and never try again. Marriage is a huge step and ppl should have their eyes fully open before it and half open after but that doesnt mean that you are going to have a divorce because statistics say so. You can choose to be coward and leave a marriage when things get tough or just cos you are a gold-digger but that doesnt mean that this is what you get when you get married. *Note here ladies: Im not talking bout cases of abusive spouse, in that case get a divorce right away!! I think that every wise person (not some light-headed dumb young/old person) should get married only if they feel their partner is a good person with respectable intentions that loves them and puts their needs and desires before their own not someone marrying you for the wrong reasons. There are not many reasons why men should not marry women unless of course the obvious ones "he's not that into you" or "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" and this all goes by for as long as we women, myself included, dont have any control over our feelings...As soon as that happens,when it reaches the boiling pt, unfortunately, we sweet and loving creatures turn into cold b******* that tell our dear bf to f*** off cos they didnt deserve us and that we will find someone that does...posts like the many above are to comfort us women until we get to that stage... It`s a shame men are not smart enough to understand whats going on and try to prevent all this... so yeah, Im sorry for your situation of the divorce, cos Im fully aware that there are plenty of women out there that misbehave and make men suffer but its not for everyone so the reasons men give shouldnt be generalized either!!
Good luck to all!!!
Bonsoir,
Why on earth should your boyfriend take responsabilities, as a man, that you will not be taking, as a woman? See my previous posts. It is now well documented that marriage is a raw deal for men (at the very least financially) and that they should avoid it at all cost.
Maybe if the laws are fixed marriage may become a good thing for men, but in the present context men should avoid any type of business contract with a female.
Best,
Arthur
Why on earth should your boyfriend take responsabilities, as a man, that you will not be taking, as a woman? See my previous posts. It is now well documented that marriage is a raw deal for men (at the very least financially) and that they should avoid it at all cost.
Maybe if the laws are fixed marriage may become a good thing for men, but in the present context men should avoid any type of business contract with a female.
Best,
Arthur
my name is samson sebastine from united kingdom i had a problem with my wife
sometimes ago but never knew what the problem was,i tried to asked her but
she refused to tell,me what it was as time goes on i discovered she was
having an affair with a friend of mine that happens to be my best friend,i
was so sad that i never knew what to do next,during my search for a way out
i met a friend of mine who had similar problem and introduced me to a man
who helped him with his situation,on getting to the man i discovered he was
a spell caster i was shocked because i have not had anything to do with a
spell caster in my entire life so i tried to give this man a chance cos i
never believed in spell casting as i thought it will not work for me but to
my surprise i got positive results and i was able to get my wife back from
him even after the spell caster did all i discovered my wife fell much more
in love with me on like before so i was so happy that i never know what to
do for him so i am using this opportunity to tell anyone on this blog having
similar problem visit ***@**** am sure he will help you.
sometimes ago but never knew what the problem was,i tried to asked her but
she refused to tell,me what it was as time goes on i discovered she was
having an affair with a friend of mine that happens to be my best friend,i
was so sad that i never knew what to do next,during my search for a way out
i met a friend of mine who had similar problem and introduced me to a man
who helped him with his situation,on getting to the man i discovered he was
a spell caster i was shocked because i have not had anything to do with a
spell caster in my entire life so i tried to give this man a chance cos i
never believed in spell casting as i thought it will not work for me but to
my surprise i got positive results and i was able to get my wife back from
him even after the spell caster did all i discovered my wife fell much more
in love with me on like before so i was so happy that i never know what to
do for him so i am using this opportunity to tell anyone on this blog having
similar problem visit ***@**** am sure he will help you.
I've been with my partner for 12 years now and we have 3 children together. I also have an older daughter from a previous relationship. He proposed to me 6 yrs ago but we still haven't got married. Sometimes we discuss it and he agrees that we should do it within the year but then he is totally disinterested in any of the planning even though I don't have any family to help me. We are both shy and want the event to be tiny, for me its just about us and the children. I'm confused. He says he wants to but then doesn't want to know or says we'll have to see with our finances. When our children mentioned one day about us getting married he said he was waiting for a princess. I knew he was joking as he does like to tease but I keep thinking maybe he won't make that commitment because maybe i'm not his Mrs Right. If I tell him how I feel and he does say ok lets do it, how do I know he isn't just doing it because I want it and he doesn't. What is wrong with me that he wouldn't want to marry me. I cook, clean, look after the children and am very close to his family so what's wrong? He's hurting me but is unaware I think.
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