Mother who doesnt love me

[autum]

My mother who I have lived w/ with out my father being in the picture since I was two, I have not had a mother/daughter relationship for 5 years now.  This is sick but here it is: when I broke up w/ my son's father, my mother got with my sons father's father. In other words its my son's grandpa....  anyways one night I went to her job to see her and she asked to get my son for two days...  well those were my days off and I wanted to see my son... so i said could you get him another day or so, because I want to spend time w/ him..  well she got pissed and threw my son's father's visitation papers in my face by saying ill take you to court! I wasnt being mean or anything, I just said I wanted to see him those days, she wanted him on....  I just said could you get him after or before those days...  then she really broke my heart by saying that so we didnt talk for a while... then I tried talking to her again, but she was just using me for info...  after that... my sons father kept on going to court (w/ his dad and my mother) saying those were his parents...   she was on their side...  anyways..after five years I tried having a mother/daughter  relationship w/ her again, and then my son came home from their house, all screwed up..  he is 7yrs old...  I didnt know what was wrong w/ him, but come to find out they messed w/ his head some how... he was going to therapy for a couple of times... because he would cry all night until 5am in the morning, he stayed depressed, he told me he wanted his grandma(my mother) to be his mom, and when i was goin to die!  So I told my mother, his grandpa, and dad(which they all live together) that I was keeping him for two weeks to get him in routine again for school, since he wasnt doing so well..  (by the way when they took me to court for grandparents rights, even though they got him every weekend, they then were only allowed visitation every second week sat 9am to sun 5pm...)  it wasnt even their visitation time...and they got all pissed starting stuff...  now my mother treats me like ****...  I asked why she was treating me like this and she is saying it is my fault...  what should I do??  this is just a brief summary...there is alot more going on..

LOST and Lonely
Autum

[RockRose]

I think your son needs to live with your mother,  because she is his mother in his eyes.

I can't even tell what the rest of this whole post is about.  

I trust little children to know who they are comfortable and safe with.  And that's your mother,  in his eyes.

[autum]

You know...  he doesnt need to live w/ my mother... they are the reason he was going to therapy... she is trying to turn him against me and my hubby..by telling him lies that we did this and that,  I am just looking out for my son.. i guess I didnt explain it good enough...  she told him son last night that I was hiding his cellphone and that it was my fault... and you know what his phone was in his room...  she said that im not letting her talk to him...but you know what...when she calls I give him the phone and if he doesnt want to talk he will not pick the phone up...  she even told my son that Im mad at her and that I dont want her to talk to my son...but thats not true...  they are filling my son's head full of bull ****..and its messing with his head...    This year he had to get 13 stitches on his knee  not including the ones under the skin because she( my mother) wasnt watching him closely and he jumped on the back of a riding lawn mower that his grandpa was on...    How dare you say **** like that...  HE WILL NEVER LIVE WITH HER!     Due to her, his father, and his grandpa...  he came home depressed and doin badly in school... ect ect...  and now I have gotten him in a routine after two weeks stayin up w/ him all night and then working 50 hours a week to take care of my son...   after all the care, love, and everything else I give my son...I do not deserve a comment like that...  

[Agiesmom]

What does his therapist say?  If he's being screwed up by your mother, ex-husband, and ex-father-in-law, why isn't the therapist recommending limited or supervised visitation?  What exactly IS the therapist suggesting?  What does your attorney suggest?

[sammy73]

This is a really difficult and horrid situation for you.  I'm not sure what the best thing to do is - I just wanted to say that I disagree with RockRose here, I don't think anyone reading what you wrote can possibly say they understand the situation well enough to state categorically that the kid is better off staying with his grandmother than his mother.

At this age it is not unusual for kids to throw a tantrum and say they hate you - particularly when a kid is torn in a situation like this which messes them up.  They are likely to take it out on the parent who looks after them most of the time, because you have to do all the bad-guy stuff, the discipline, telling him to tidy his room and eat up his vegetables or whatever.  I'll bet your mother and your ex and his father are spoiling him rotten while he is with them to bribe him to love them more than you.

Is the situation too far gone for you to be able to negotiate when they see the boy without recourse to court orders and externally-imposed schedules?  If everyone involved genuinely has the boys interests most at heart, it would be better just to discuss and agree visits as and when, without having to wave bits of legal paper around.

I hope you find a way to patch things up with your mother, and find a way that everyone involved can be civil and friendly.  This situation can only be hurting everyone involved.  Try to move past blame, and anger, and resentment, and about caring who is "right", and concentrate on what will work in everyones best interests in the future.

[nuredshuz]

I strongly DIS agree with Rock Rose, you should not even let him near the grandmother. She should have no rights. You should start trying to gather solid evidence and go to court and have the visitation revoked. Your mother is a toxic, noxious, poision to your son and you. If I were you I would NEVER let them see him. If I were you I would get counceling for yourself and for him and stay the HE!! away from that crazy beeoch!!!

[jo929]

You really have a bad situation here, and i can see it is not good for the son, or for you are you seeing a therapist, also a lawyer. it is hard for a child to have to many people, and all telling him what to do this is one situation that needs to be addressed now, so i would first go to a lawyer and the childs therapist and see what is going to be best for the child as you know most kids can be bribed maybe they give him anything he wants, and if so this is not good, as a child needs boundries to go by I do hope that things get better, i know it is hard but just maybe you can try again to talk to thr granparents and dad for the childs sake  lots  luck  jo

[autum]

Thank you for your posts, I do really appreciate them...  well to answer your questions:   The theripist told me to limit phone calls ect.  and that not to keep him from them, but when he is w/ them he gets worse, so I took it in my own hands by just following court papers about they only get him a certain time..  they funny thing is, when they were getting him all the time, that wasnt good enough, so thats why they took me to court trying to get every weekend, but between me working all the time and only getting to see him on the weekends, his great grandparents wanting to see him, and then the ones taking me to court...the judge only gave them the one sat to sunday... so they did that on their own..  I have consistently tried working w/ them, and if I know its something that could cause more trouble w/ my son I disagree...but they are ok w/ it for a few days, then they go crazy...  Im actually starting therapy myself next month...  I am on medication due to my anxiety and pannick attacks..   I have tried several times to make ammends with my mother, but ever since she has gotten w/ her so called b/f then she just forgot about me... and my son's father (never were married)  just follows what ever his father tells him to do... its sad to say my husband plays with my son more than his own father...   Its hard trying to work with people that want to only make your life miserable...  I just want a normal life...  you know my mother thinks im irresponsible and I have changed for the worse...  but hey I dunno...  I do work all the time... take care of the house...  pay bills... take care of all 3 of my kids (2 are step kids, but I treat them like my own)  I dont drink, I dont go out all the time...  shoot the last time I went out was several years ago...  I even spend money on my family before myself...  my hubby has to gripe at me just to spend money on myself...  I dont know how I have changed for the worse...  Im even going to school ...  what do i do??  I just want my son to have  the best life...  I even told them, I dont want him to see the friction between everyone... he does not deserve that... but they always try and use it against me by telling him...


Lost and Lonely
Autum

[cowgirlnerd]

Your "Mother" has issues - they are NOT your issues.  I am a Mom and it's un-natural to turn on your children the way she has on you.  I STRONGLY disagree with the first post and don't even see why it would be implied that your child thinks of your Mother as his Mother???  Anyway, I agree that court situation is horrible.   Plus, you are going to have to not look at his grandmother as your "mother" - think of her as the exhusband's father's wife..(good grief!) and take that emotion of betrayal to YOU out of the picture.

I have NEVER heard of grandparents rights, and in fact, my exhusband's parents tried to get visitation rights in my state and the attornies laughed at them.  Go by your court order, don't give more or less than the court order and be strong.  

It takes more than birth to make someone your "Mother".  Focus on being a family with your husband; son, and your child's step-siblings and make it as normal as possible for him.   Stablility and no drama will get to your "mother" and MAYBE it will rub off on her in some way and she will act better (guilt can be a good thing...if they have a heart).  Do go to counseling to get your self confidence back, and to work through the abandonment issues you probably have.

Hang in there - don't let anyone tell you not to be a mother to your son.  God knows if your "birth giver" can abandon you like that - when will she abandon him???  ....  She has the issues. ...not you.   Sometimes ex-family members don't like to see the other part of the ex family happy.  Sounds like you are doing well (going to school, new family, stable, etc.) and they have to torment you and sadly they do it with the easiest and most emotional target - the child.  Don't let them win.  Keep fighting.

[jo929]

I am not trying to be nosy, but are you remarried, and it is your 2 step children you refer to, if you are remarried, is there no way to move away from your mother, it is not normal for a child 7 years old to cry all night, or maybe that was when he was younger remember it is the child who needs his mom, and if you are remarried what does the stepdad think?  luck  jo

[blessedmomof3]

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I was going through something similar. My mother was not w/ my ex and does not take his side, but the ex and his whole family would mess with my kids' heads and they would come home angry, depressed and confused. I took the to counseling and after several sessions the couselor suggested I get an attorney alidem (sp?) It's an attorney to only repsresent my kids. Not me, and not the ex. Then the counselor also went to court and suggested my EX was not good for my kdis, and in fact dangerous (because my daughter had written suicide letters) The Ex no longer has visitation, unless I decide to give it to him, and it must be suppervised. I believe it is stated in the papers (Supervised visitation upon the custodial parent's discretion) Anyway, they have not seen him in 2 years (their choice actualy) and they are doing great! I left it up to them, and they don't want anything to do with him. He still pays child support but has no parental rights. Maybe you should hire your son his own attorney and see what the counselor thinks about going to court w/ you. I know attorney's cost money, but it's for your son's benifit.

[MrsOckert]

Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that would never trust what a therapist has to say.  My husband has two sons that have lived with his mother since the divorce.  10 years now.  She has never followed the visitation, never done anything to promote a healthy relationship with his sons.  Has in fact told them to lie to him about various situations.

Has told the oldest son he was abused by his father.  Oldest son goes to therapist.  Therapist has to report it.  Husband has been investigated THREE TIMES.  Son was told his father beat him with a 2 x 4.  

It was a paddle and he was spanked not beaten.  Youngest son is angry.  Exwife can't deal with anger.  Son must go to therapy.  Therapist has never asked to see my husband or what his side of the story is.  But he is always the bad guy.  Everything is is his fault.

If this child is being taken to a therapist by his grandparents and his father I can only imagine what they are filling his head with.  It wouldn't surprise me to hear that they are lieing to him.  It happens.  Lots.

[autum]

Yeah, Im recording all phone calls...and its hard not to pick up the phone and give a little piece of my mind...Im very outspoken, and I dont just sit back and watch...but right now im limiting phone calls, and the phone calls that he does get I record...and  then I take my son  in the room and sit him down and ask if he as any questions, or anything he would like to talk about.. it seems to help...  the phone call today really upset me...all my so called mother could talk about to day is me...and how Its my fault for everything...  Momma did this...momma did that..ect ect...  Well right now I dont have money for a lawyer, but the beginning of the year, I will have insurance that pays for my lawyers, and I only pay 4 bucks every payday...  Im trying to be strong...  It just hurts knowing she has turned out the way she has, and she is literately mentally abusing my son...  It just upsets me, that im working my behind off and taking care of all 3 of my kids...    Im not remarried...  I was never married to my son's father... he was a trouble maker and he went to prison due to not paying his probation...  and I was not going to sit and wait for him, I was young, I had my son when I was 17 and I knew that I had a life and was fixing to have another life to take care of... so I went on with my life..  I dropped out of school in 9th grade, so I went and got my ged, went back to college...  I had to drop out for a while due to money issues, but I am not back in college to finish my education...  My main concern is my kids, and its hard knowing someone could manipulate a 7year old the way he is..   it was about a month or so ago when he was in the crying mood..  he cried for a month straight almost....  he wouldnt go to sleep until 5am...  then he was peeing on the floor!!!  also saying he wishes I would die so my mother could be his mom...  he didnt want to live here anymore...  he is always sad...  I didnt know what to do.. I took him to the doctor, and the doc said try sleeping w/ him...  so i let him sleep in my bed... it didnt work at all!  my son was even lieing! he never lie's to me.  He has also got in a fight at school!  This is not my normal 7yr old.. he has always been a happy baby...pestering..lol  and always acting like a clown..  he does what he is suppose to do...  very independent... get his own drinks,  food, ect..  says yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir ect.   He has completely changed due to this...  the theripist hasnt really helped him...  so I took it upon me to try something and it worked..he went to bed at 3am...then 1am...then midnight... now he goes to bed between 9pm and 10pm with no problem usually..   he also had a mental thing, when he was upset he would go to the restroom a hundred times...he was not peeing... he just tried to make hisself pee..  during all of this...you think my mother helped any??? No!  I was working 5:30 in the morning until 2pm or later...sometimes 6pm then coming home maybe with a couple of hours sleep...and I did that everyday...  even on the weekends when I had my one day off, I was up with him all night..  My husband who is disabled tried to help, but nothing would work...  if it wasnt for my husband (step father) I dont knwo what I would do...he helped me 100%...  His daddy was no help!  he came over one time during all of this...    But yeah, I am going to go try counseling...my doctor wants me too... so ill try..  I have had nothing but tragic things in my life...  like last sept. or oct. my great aunt who I love died, then my friend/family died ..committed suicide, then my uncle died 3 days after my birthday in dec....  then my best friend since childhood who I was with since kindergarden died february 6th of this year...   Its been really hard...  plus now im dealing w/ this...  
Im just taking it a day at a time...some days its harder than others....  but my husband (first time married too..  and only marriage)  has been there for me...  he has been there threw thick and thin for me...  

Autum

[cowgirlnerd]

Confused - in the beginning you said you weren't remarried, then later, you said your husband (step father), not important - just don't understand the whole picture, I guess.

Hang in there.

[autum]

To clarify:   My son's father, I never married him, we were just dating when I had my son, and then we broke up; so I was never married to him.   My husband now, which is my first husband/marriage, he has known me and my son's father ever since I was 16.  Actually the funny thing is, my husband was mine and my son's father's boss.  I ended up marrying my boss..lol  I have known him since I was 16 and been friends ever since.   So I have only been married once.  

Autum

[cowgirlnerd]

Gotcha!  Got confused for a second.  Continue to be strong for your kids and yourself.  I hope your "mother"  sees what she is doing soon!

[autum]

cowgirlnerd : Thank you for your support!   and thank you everyone for the support you have given me!  You all are alot of help!

[fung]

Whatever happened in your life ,no matter how hard it is, it will pass. You sound like a strong women and a very good mother . Keep doing what you think is right for your kids.
Best wishes

[autum]

Thank you for your support...  sometimes I dont feel strong, but I do it for my kids and husband..  its hard not having a mother by my side through thick or thin, but all I have been doing is taking it a day at a time...  


Thank you for your input!
Autum

[autum]

I wish my mother would stop this ****!  she is telling my son that she is burning old pictures, meaning me when I was a kid, and then she is telling him its ok to say bad words!  How can she do this to a 7yr old! My son...  ugh! Im just sick of this junk!

Autum

[Victoria1762]

You're his mother so my advice would be to stop your son seeing this crazy woman and let your mother know until her behavior changes then she will not be allowed to see her grandchild.

YOUR SON, should not have to deal with your mothers frustrations. You agree that these incidents should not happen infront of your son, protect him and TAKE CONTROL!

Good luck Autumn, not a pleasant time for you

[RockRose]

Victoria,  that's a thought,  but her children's father does have visitation rights,  and he chooses to spend his time with her mother and his father.  

He has the right to do that.  It's extremely complex and difficult.

[cowgirlnerd]

I wonder if the "grandmother" and father combo is doing it to make the son think the drama makes them better parents, etc.,  I still think it's just weird beyond belief for the "mother" (and I say that veryyyy loosely) to treat Autumn that way - not to mention the son!  She definitely has a screw loose, and it's got to be hard for Autumn emotionally as a child (being betrayed by her "mother") and as a mother for someone to basically abuse your child.  I can't even imagine.

In the South, we would say she need a "Butt Whooping".......  you might have to get your Redneck on....  (joking!)......

Hang in there Autumn.  

[Victoria1762]

Rockrose, I agree it is very complex, Autumn needs professional advice so everyone has her sons interest at heart.  

[autum]

Actually the father has no visitation legally due to not able to take responsibility for taking care of a child:::between right and wrong::::::  anyways only the grandparents have court order saying that they can get my son every month on the second sat. at 9am to sun at 5pm...  His daddy does not have any visitations... I proved that when he brought the cops over to my house showing them papers that were done back in 2002 or 2003  tellin the cops" see those are newer, they are in 2008"   I said uh yeah, they were printed in 2008, but done in 2002 or 2003... (I was thinkin duh!)  the cops were like sir she is right.... you have no legal visitation...   The funny thing is   I Was Not Keeping My Son Away From Them, now they are doing this junk!   Even though his father has no visitation, I still let him see his son, only when the grandparents are there looking after him as well...  but now I dont know if its even safe for that!  since my so called mother is manipulating my son!  I just figured something out last night when I was listening to the phone conversation on tape.... My so called mother only talked bad about me and was manipulating my son when the grandpa or dad wasnt around...   so im thinking she is the cause of all of this...


Stressed out/ and trying to quit smoking dont mix!

Autum