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My adult son hates me!
Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son. I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else. I raised my 4 younger siblings. My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.
I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.
I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
The answer is simple stop loving him my mom chose a man over me that man abused me while I was a child physical abuse she knew about it did nothing now I'm 26 I hate my mom and she hates me perfect relationship in my eyes live your life and forget the negatives your 47 look for a boyfriend
tired of being selfless - I'm really glad I read your entire post. It was very illuminating, when I see a problem with a mother and son like yours, where your mother seems to be struggling to understand why you are so rejecting and cruel to her.
And somehow, you seem to give your dad a pass. Don't quite get that, when he was the absent/abusive one and she was there trying to make the best of things.
Here's what I think you're doing. I think basically you are chemically depressed, and angry, and you share personality traits with your father and have a bit of a hard time coping. You look at your life, and you try to find a "cause" for this unhappiness, and the closest thing you can find for an answer is your mother picked a loser to marry, and in her quest to find you appropriate male role models she took you to boyscouts. And then, when you expressed your depression she didn't pry when you seemed unwilling to give her details.
This is similar to a situation where your hand was hurting, and when you look at your hand all you can really find is a small welt from an insect bite, so you think that's the cause. When in fact you might have a torn muscle or who knows. You just look, and decide it's the insect bite.
I really think you should spend some time examining what is causing your anger and sadness.
People aren't chronically angry and depressed "about" something, just as people aren't chronically happy and excited "about" something. People are either in general happy, or in general unhappy.
And reading though your post, which is honest and detailed, I come to see you in some of the young adult sons of my friends and relatives who seem enraged at their moms and it's a mystery. Because I don't see what you're so mad at your mom about, either.
Best wishes.
And somehow, you seem to give your dad a pass. Don't quite get that, when he was the absent/abusive one and she was there trying to make the best of things.
Here's what I think you're doing. I think basically you are chemically depressed, and angry, and you share personality traits with your father and have a bit of a hard time coping. You look at your life, and you try to find a "cause" for this unhappiness, and the closest thing you can find for an answer is your mother picked a loser to marry, and in her quest to find you appropriate male role models she took you to boyscouts. And then, when you expressed your depression she didn't pry when you seemed unwilling to give her details.
This is similar to a situation where your hand was hurting, and when you look at your hand all you can really find is a small welt from an insect bite, so you think that's the cause. When in fact you might have a torn muscle or who knows. You just look, and decide it's the insect bite.
I really think you should spend some time examining what is causing your anger and sadness.
People aren't chronically angry and depressed "about" something, just as people aren't chronically happy and excited "about" something. People are either in general happy, or in general unhappy.
And reading though your post, which is honest and detailed, I come to see you in some of the young adult sons of my friends and relatives who seem enraged at their moms and it's a mystery. Because I don't see what you're so mad at your mom about, either.
Best wishes.
It's very hard to tell a whole situation from an internet post, because there is no real context there.
There are some clues. I do agree that this young woman is off-base yelling at your mother, and yelling in your yard that your married is (was?) crap and your kids hate you. Normal young women, in that situation, would just swallow that and not yell it in someone's yard. So she is quite melodramatic.
I do pick up some things, though, in your post that do strike me as maybe you are overstepping, without meaning to. Listening to the ex-wife's story about the sheriff, and your son's version, and comparing the two versions may be getting too much in their business. I don't know what all the history was with that text about how proud you are of your son, but he was REALLY mad to call you and yell at you - indicating there's some history there of trying to get the two of them back together.
They're both SO angry at you at this point, that it's really worth listening to, IMHO. Just ask, and just listen. Don't argue, don't correct, just listen.
Best wishes.
There are some clues. I do agree that this young woman is off-base yelling at your mother, and yelling in your yard that your married is (was?) crap and your kids hate you. Normal young women, in that situation, would just swallow that and not yell it in someone's yard. So she is quite melodramatic.
I do pick up some things, though, in your post that do strike me as maybe you are overstepping, without meaning to. Listening to the ex-wife's story about the sheriff, and your son's version, and comparing the two versions may be getting too much in their business. I don't know what all the history was with that text about how proud you are of your son, but he was REALLY mad to call you and yell at you - indicating there's some history there of trying to get the two of them back together.
They're both SO angry at you at this point, that it's really worth listening to, IMHO. Just ask, and just listen. Don't argue, don't correct, just listen.
Best wishes.
Ok so what if you son gets mad at you for nothing?
His new girlfriend or should I say fiance now is very controlling. My son never had anger issues but did deal with depression before he met her. Since they have moved in together he is falling apart. He says he is getting stronger but I don't see it. He has always been a very headstrong person. I try very hard not to give advice on his situation other than to listen and tell him how he should feel about things, Like he asked if he should leave his girlfriend once. He felt she was overbearing. I agreed but told him that he needed to look in his heart. I could not tell him to go or stay. But sometimes people behave in damaging ways and he needs to examine his relationship and decide if he thinks it might get better and he is willing to stick it out or if it is time to cut his losses.
At this point he called her dad and had her packed up and out. Somehow she got him to let her stay. She is very manipulative. I didn't see it at first but once she got into a fight with my son over a blanket he had in his house that he could have slept under with his ex-wife. It was a blanket my mother had made for him so after he divorced he didn't get rid of it he liked it, not to mention he needed it.
Now all of a sudden he talks bad about my family and me. Something he never used to do.
He came over one night after a situation with his ex-wife. The story I got from her was very different from what I got from my son and his fiance. What I got from my son and his fiance was very embellished. His ex-wife said she got kicked out of her house and her boyfriend kept the children. She called the sheriff and got my granddaughter and since she was going to be in her car for a few days she asked my son to come get their daughter.
What they told me was that he had to get the sheriff and get his daughter and that he had to deal with the whole thing himself. According to his ex she merely told him what was going on and asked him to come get her.
I texted him after I had time to take it in and this is what I sent:
Son, I am so proud of the man you have become. I am in awe of how you helped (Your ex-wife) and still manage to love our Miss(his current girlfriend). You truly are an extraordinary man.
He called me and yelled at me saying I didn't know what I was talking about, that I was drunk and that I had no right saying that he helped his ex wife I should have said he helped his daughter. Why did I want him back with his ex-wife?
I got angry and told him not to talk to me like that I had said nothing wrong. If he didn't like what I had to say then he shouldn't tell me anymore. I explained that he had no right telling me how to speak or what to say. If his fiance didn't like it too bad! I didn't want to hear it.
Two days later when I was supposed to watch my granddaughter with out calling or telling me they stopped bringing my granddaughter to me to take care of.
Shortly after this at the beginning of December they came over and my son and I had already talked about what he was getting my granddaughter for Christmas. He was getting her a kitchen. So I went online and found patterns to crochet for play food and pots and pans, dishes etc. He had his daughter and fiance. I called him over to show hi and didn't call her over. She was sitting with my mom who was visiting for the first time in five years since my granddaughter was born and my granddaughter.
He was amazed at the work I had put in. He called her over and said honey we are going to have to get her the kitchen after all. Look at all my mom's hard work. She was visibly upset when she got here and now she was angrier. I was excited and secretly showed her everything too so my Granddaughter who was near by would see.
The next morning I get a call from my son asking if they could come over. I said I was leaving for the DMV but they could wen I got home. No sooner had I hung up the phone they were at the door. I invited them in even though I was leaving. He said we needed to talk about my behavior. I was secretive toward his fiance last night and ignoring her.
I couldn't believe my ears. The evening had been all about my granddaughter her Christmas Presents and meeting her Great Grandmother,but he was mad at me because he said I ignored his fiance!
Then she started yelling at me telling me I wasn't going to disrespect her marriage. That's when I got angry and told her she wasn't even married yet so what was she talking about. My mom tried to intervene because they were yelling at me and she began yelling at my mom! A woman she met the night before.I couldn't believe he was allowing her to disrespect me and my mom in my home so I kicked her out,
She yelled in my front yard that my marriage was crap and my children hated me.
I saw red flags early but ignored them. She would call in sick to work to stay with my granddaughter and not tell me she was bringing her. She would say she asked if she wanted to come but my granddaughter would tell her no. That has never happened before. Even after her first day back with her mom she came over and wanted to stay and spends the night. My son bought her a wedding ring and she started wearing it before they were even married. She writes down that she is my granddaughters step mother on her school paperwork. She is constantly telling my son your mother hates me. My granddaughter who adores her dad is now saying he is mean because he yells at his fiance. She has never called her dad mean before.
I let her and my son know that my son and daughter will be allowed in my home but not to bring her with him. I know this doesn't make for very good relations but I don't allow my children to talk to me like that, I certainly will not allow it from her.
I am having a hard time seeing what I did wrong.
His new girlfriend or should I say fiance now is very controlling. My son never had anger issues but did deal with depression before he met her. Since they have moved in together he is falling apart. He says he is getting stronger but I don't see it. He has always been a very headstrong person. I try very hard not to give advice on his situation other than to listen and tell him how he should feel about things, Like he asked if he should leave his girlfriend once. He felt she was overbearing. I agreed but told him that he needed to look in his heart. I could not tell him to go or stay. But sometimes people behave in damaging ways and he needs to examine his relationship and decide if he thinks it might get better and he is willing to stick it out or if it is time to cut his losses.
At this point he called her dad and had her packed up and out. Somehow she got him to let her stay. She is very manipulative. I didn't see it at first but once she got into a fight with my son over a blanket he had in his house that he could have slept under with his ex-wife. It was a blanket my mother had made for him so after he divorced he didn't get rid of it he liked it, not to mention he needed it.
Now all of a sudden he talks bad about my family and me. Something he never used to do.
He came over one night after a situation with his ex-wife. The story I got from her was very different from what I got from my son and his fiance. What I got from my son and his fiance was very embellished. His ex-wife said she got kicked out of her house and her boyfriend kept the children. She called the sheriff and got my granddaughter and since she was going to be in her car for a few days she asked my son to come get their daughter.
What they told me was that he had to get the sheriff and get his daughter and that he had to deal with the whole thing himself. According to his ex she merely told him what was going on and asked him to come get her.
I texted him after I had time to take it in and this is what I sent:
Son, I am so proud of the man you have become. I am in awe of how you helped (Your ex-wife) and still manage to love our Miss(his current girlfriend). You truly are an extraordinary man.
He called me and yelled at me saying I didn't know what I was talking about, that I was drunk and that I had no right saying that he helped his ex wife I should have said he helped his daughter. Why did I want him back with his ex-wife?
I got angry and told him not to talk to me like that I had said nothing wrong. If he didn't like what I had to say then he shouldn't tell me anymore. I explained that he had no right telling me how to speak or what to say. If his fiance didn't like it too bad! I didn't want to hear it.
Two days later when I was supposed to watch my granddaughter with out calling or telling me they stopped bringing my granddaughter to me to take care of.
Shortly after this at the beginning of December they came over and my son and I had already talked about what he was getting my granddaughter for Christmas. He was getting her a kitchen. So I went online and found patterns to crochet for play food and pots and pans, dishes etc. He had his daughter and fiance. I called him over to show hi and didn't call her over. She was sitting with my mom who was visiting for the first time in five years since my granddaughter was born and my granddaughter.
He was amazed at the work I had put in. He called her over and said honey we are going to have to get her the kitchen after all. Look at all my mom's hard work. She was visibly upset when she got here and now she was angrier. I was excited and secretly showed her everything too so my Granddaughter who was near by would see.
The next morning I get a call from my son asking if they could come over. I said I was leaving for the DMV but they could wen I got home. No sooner had I hung up the phone they were at the door. I invited them in even though I was leaving. He said we needed to talk about my behavior. I was secretive toward his fiance last night and ignoring her.
I couldn't believe my ears. The evening had been all about my granddaughter her Christmas Presents and meeting her Great Grandmother,but he was mad at me because he said I ignored his fiance!
Then she started yelling at me telling me I wasn't going to disrespect her marriage. That's when I got angry and told her she wasn't even married yet so what was she talking about. My mom tried to intervene because they were yelling at me and she began yelling at my mom! A woman she met the night before.I couldn't believe he was allowing her to disrespect me and my mom in my home so I kicked her out,
She yelled in my front yard that my marriage was crap and my children hated me.
I saw red flags early but ignored them. She would call in sick to work to stay with my granddaughter and not tell me she was bringing her. She would say she asked if she wanted to come but my granddaughter would tell her no. That has never happened before. Even after her first day back with her mom she came over and wanted to stay and spends the night. My son bought her a wedding ring and she started wearing it before they were even married. She writes down that she is my granddaughters step mother on her school paperwork. She is constantly telling my son your mother hates me. My granddaughter who adores her dad is now saying he is mean because he yells at his fiance. She has never called her dad mean before.
I let her and my son know that my son and daughter will be allowed in my home but not to bring her with him. I know this doesn't make for very good relations but I don't allow my children to talk to me like that, I certainly will not allow it from her.
I am having a hard time seeing what I did wrong.
This thread has picked up steam again.
For those who are mystified about why their adult sons hate them, why don't you just ask? Sometimes adult children can feel entitled and have a bizarre sense of being wronged in childhood, but sometimes they have a legitimate beef.
I have an acquaintance whose 2 adult young are estranged, and she always says "other people like us, it's a mystery why our sons don't". Well I could tell her PLENTY about why her sons don't like them, it's because they were harsh and unforgiving parents. I personally like her because she's interesting and certainly has no power to be harsh with me.
So. If you have a son who hates you, ask in a sincere way why. And then be prepared to sit quietly and listen and not argue.
For those who are mystified about why their adult sons hate them, why don't you just ask? Sometimes adult children can feel entitled and have a bizarre sense of being wronged in childhood, but sometimes they have a legitimate beef.
I have an acquaintance whose 2 adult young are estranged, and she always says "other people like us, it's a mystery why our sons don't". Well I could tell her PLENTY about why her sons don't like them, it's because they were harsh and unforgiving parents. I personally like her because she's interesting and certainly has no power to be harsh with me.
So. If you have a son who hates you, ask in a sincere way why. And then be prepared to sit quietly and listen and not argue.
1 Comments
What if you have sincerely asked multiple times and never been given a reason. I have apologized over and over for "whatever it is", but he won't tell me.
that is exactly how I feel
1 Comments
I am having a simular problem my 31 year old is using my car daily to go to work..I am retired..his baby mama demamds his presence at all times to be there for his daughter..2 years old..she lives with her mom.and sibblings and grandbaby..they require of him to take care of the entire family food..entertainment..transportation etc..he has stopped going to his church and attending theirs....when he comes home he treats me like he hates me and barely speaks to.mr...I find myself walking on egg shells.'it hurts...i feel.he hstes me.
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