My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[geo1234]

I have had a hard time with my son when he turned 14, at that point he hated me for every reason, except to get him out of trouble, my wife and I both worked hard to keep him in a privet school,in his last 2 years he would skip school try to stay in bed and even wanted to quit in his last year I forced him to finish, he got a good part time job during his last year, the company,was even going to help with his collage, he quit work and decided he would sleep all day and work at security at night, I gave him an option to either join the service or go back to his good job or get into a collage or last result be out of the house in 2 weeks, he joined the milt. and life was good, but he was **** poor with his money, helped him out numerous times , then he gets married again we are happy but he gets throne out of the milt. for drug use again I intervened so no prison time, today his wife is due with a second child and he constantly lies to me and tells me i don't support him, and he is afraid to leave my grandson with me unsupervised because he is sure I wont follow all his rule in dealing with the child,all because i gave some nuts to my daughters dog that i helped raise, and she told me not to, he also told me what a miserable dad I am because when he brought friends over they would call for advice, he said that he is my son and I should only support him, I Am at my wits end and don't know what to do.?    

[Diva4416]

Kick him out and let him move in with his friends, and see how long that last. We as parents give our kids too much! I just told my son if anything ever happens to me, he'll see how many people love and care for him then.. Staying on my knees and praying that my son becomes a great  man of God.. He's 14 years old..

[Mpl27]

Lots of stories, but not a sign of a solution or an experience where something worked positively...so sad as I have a 28 year old son that lives with me, but doesn't trust me. I had to borrow some money from him..actually he offered it to me...after falling on hard times myself. He earns above average money and is a high-flyer. I am paying the money I owe him back. I owe around 10% of the original sum and have never given him cause to think I would screw him over yet he tells me time and again that he doesn't trust me for the money I still owe...I don't get how he thinks. I don't get how he can be so rude, so insulting, so mistrusting. I have lived my life for him and his sister...put my last penny in to his education and his success, which I helped create, is being thrown back in may face...if it wasn't for my beautiful daughter I would really call it a day...I hate life...I hate living...no solutions from me either I am afraid...maybe there just aren't any answers!

[Angelica1117]

    
    I know exactly how you'all  feel , as it is far different than how we would have ever treated our parents. However, I have 2 out of 3 that are not like that and are very loving. So it makes you wonder , doesn't it?  

[Sadmama69]

You need to walk far away from him and keep a good amount of distance away.
I just read your comment aka letter pleading for help.
I was you for years and most of your letter you wrote was me!  Today I decided to get a voice an fight back.  The explosion happened a month ago with me....same thing name calling, I hate you, your not my mother and etc etc. I am a pain in the *** to my son, never did a blessed thing for him and cause his father to beat me litterly.  It was all my fault his daddy was a drunk.
my son will never, and I say never talk to me again the way he did driving 70 mph up a turnpike and threating to take us both out.  I will never get into his vehicle ever again, and I could care less if I ever speak to him again unless he gets some serious medical help.
You can love your son from a distance.......but you do not have to like him.
Abuse is abuse and I took that from his father of 16 years and there will not be one more day I will take this from my son....he is a grown adult of 46 and if he needs an excuse for the way his life turned out he can blame me until the cows come home.   He try's to contact me, but I have  blocked him out of my cell phone.  

So lady you need to grow a few and remember when you enable abuse, you deserve what they give you.   Stand up for your self and best wishes.
I do not feel anything anymore for my son......he destroyed the last bit of hope I will ever give him.......he can find another way to be self Blamning......you see when you had enough the guilt does not set in. He has done this to me for the last ten years, and each time the explosion gets worse and worse.   I think he is reall bipolar and Austic.  I never had him tested.   But that is not excuse to crush a mothers love.   He did this to himself and like you at 70 mph I begged God to take me just so he would shut up and stop the CHUCKIE head and eyes rolling.   I was scared very scared, and God was the only thing I was seeing at the time.   Somehow I got home safely and I swore that episode will never be repeated.   This time I had enough of the rants over why I was a bad mother....might I say I have 2 other sons that love me so much, and would not ever say or do these things like he has to me.   I was a very bad person for thinking he would never treat me like this ever again and forgave him many  times.     Well I have forgiven him this Time also, but there is a difference, I have cut him loose to go find another way to vent.  He is still my son.........just from a very far distance.


Best wishes.

I hope you see the light before it's to late.

[dogpassion]

I have a 46 year old son also who blames me for everything in his life.  I was a teenage mon who had a very controlling mother.  It was a very dysfunctional situation .  I did the best that  could, I didn't have any good role models at that time.  I have tried many times to fix things and build a relationship with him but I am the only one who tries.  I have been in counseling for about 10 years over this situation.  He is now married to a very manipulative women, she does not help with any money issues and has convinced him that I owe them "help" since I didn't raise him right per her observations.  I have blocked them from my phone but they still keep trying to reach me,  I have had enough of their manipulative behavior.  After reading your post I refuse to let this continue one more day.  

[specialmom]

Welcome to the forum.  That must be really hard.  My sons are young teenagers so am still living with them.  I am sure it is heart breaking to have this situation.  We all do the best we can!  They only call you for money?  Again, very sorry for this.

[anonymous1925]

I so understand all of these comments.  But.. if you were in an abusive relationship . They are mimicking what they saw, I am going to therapy to see how to deal with all of this also.  Do Not put your life at risk
if they are all that bitter, let them move on.  Try to find something else to do with yourself hobbies, or just walking.  My heart breaks for you all as well as myself.  Some of us that were abused had no where to go, years ago over 20, in my case, that's before things like this were discussed period.  Some of us were told just suck it up and stay, which in my case is what happened.  You're all in my thoughts and my prayers, as I know what it's like, and consider myself thanking God I'm still alive.

[Lostandclueless]

My son told me that my husband, who beat me, cheated on me, drinks, and we are now separated, are both "eff ups". He will not discuss this with me. Won't tell me why. He's been a "blamer" kid all his life. Nothing was his fault. He felt he didn't need to mow the lawn or help around the home. I feel his father has talked to him and lied about me and he is believing everything. Basically, I'm dying inside but, on the other hand, I want to tell him to just get lost or get over it. I am who I am, I am not an eff up and if that's what he thinks and he won't talk to me, what else can I do? It hurts me every day. But, I don't know why he thinks this of me. He knows I am hurting and that I would never do this to him. I really just want to write him off. Until he comes to me and apologizes. I'm not going to beg anymore for him to talk to me. He tried to turn it around saying I owe him an apology for how I've treated him, "WHAT"? No idea what he's talking about. I gave my life to him and his brother. They are both very successful. My other son (fraternal twin) is just fine with me. We talk through text, several times a day. I don't have many friends since husband cheated on me and beat me so losing a son totally crushes me, but I feel leaving him alone to be the smartest thing for me to do. Let him be. He ignores my texts to talk, although we agreed that talking would be good. So at this point, I feel like I'm being a fool. I'm going to just wait for him to see the light (truth) and grow up I guess. I've immaturely blocked his text messages and phone calls last night. I've been waiting for a response from him for weeks. I'm done. Am I being too harsh? I want him to know, I'm not playing games and he is not in control of me and I haven't been sitting by the phone desperately waiting for him to talk to me. I'm at a loss. Would any of you have idea's for me? I would love some feedback as this is all new territory and like I said, I just don't even know how to respond to this behavior. I would NEVER tell my parent's I thought they were "eff ups", even if I felt it. Which I did many a time's, but never said it. No WAY! I mean, we are all human and humans make mistakes. At the very least, he could tell me why he feels this way towards me but that is too much for him to do. Comments welcome!