Need advice.

[scaredfemale388]

What is your opinion on a 32 year old female dating a  53yr old male? I am crazy about this guy I am close to and we sort of have this thing going on, but however I dont know what to consider us as.  We uses to see each other quite often, but here lately it has been very seldom. He is a very private person and doesnt want anyone to know we see each outside of work as we work together, but yet he tells other men that I am off limits to tgem and that im his. What confuses me is that he tells me he doesnt want a relationship with me. He also said that things are getting dull also.  I am wondering of the secretive part is due to the age gap and maybe he is embarrased by me. Can someone please shed some light on the subject. Thank u.

[la_reina87]

I don't think age matters. I'm 24 and my husband is 38. We got married when I was 18 and he was 32. But the way he treats you DOES matter... I say drop him like a bad habbit and find someone who is worth your time and affection.

[ku111]

How's the dating world?  Hope you are still having fun!  You make them treat you exactly how you want to be treated-no less!  You see red flags-move on.  You deserve this!  Just checking on you.

[Londres70]

I just think in this situation age is the least of the poster's worries.  Sounds like the man is married or in a relationship already.  

Anyone keeping someone on the "down low" is NEVER a good sign at any age.  

[teko]

I concur with the others with the exception of the age being no big deal. I disagree. You are in the prime of your life and he is twenty years your senior. The interests that you have at your age and the interests he has at his age are and will continue to be quite different. Thats not necessarily bad for all couples but I have a friend who married someone older than her and she sits at home and watches television when she wants to get out and experience things, he is tired and considers his time off work his to relax. Meaning couch potato weekends, no friends over and the like. She loves him dearly but says if she had known this is what it was going to be she would not have married him. She is lonlier now than she was when she was single. Then you have the health issues that tend to come along with age.

Thats my opinion, and this guy views you as his hobby, friend with benefits and it seems the only feelings he is concerned about are his. I say move on and meet someone around your own age. He is not taking you anywhere you want to go.

[scaredfemale388]

Thanks adgal for the reply. I believe u are absolutely right. I am trying to get out there and see whats out there for me. He is not it. Thank u for the advice.

[scaredfemale388]

Not trying to make him jealous, just needed to get out and be happy again. He hasn't come clean yet as he puts it,but I already know ots going to be he is married or taken. Either way I am still going to get out there and see whats fpr me

[adgal]

Honey, I would bet any money that he does have someone at home.  A wife or long time partner.  I unknowingly dated a married man and the signs were the same...always spent time at my house, never his.  Was very careful about being seen in public with me, only gave me his cell number...all huge red flags.  I finally had enough and confronted him, and he admitted he was married.  Kicked his butt to the curb the same day.

You deserve to be proudly shown off and treated better then this.  If he is married, he is behaving like a low life.  If he is not, then he is still behaving like a low life. You deserve to be first in a man's life, not a convenience.  I would cut off communication and find someone who is deserving of you.

[Londres70]

I would continue to dating around, however, don't do this just to make him "jealous" or use it as some plan to get back at him.  

What exactly did he "come clean" about?  

My recommendations.....make progress WITHOUT him.  DON'T give him a "second chance" to mistreat you.  If you go back I am sure everything will be like just before.  BE CAREFUL.  

[scaredfemale388]

Justba heads up to everyone. I have actuallyvstarted dating around and having fun. Andvwhioe doing so he texts me everyday wanting to talkband finally come clean about somethings... we shall see. But Ifeel as if I am making progress ..

[scaredfemale388]

Thank u. Am going to start doing more dating and seeing whats out there. He is not it. Once I get out there. It will help to put him out my mind

[ku111]

No need to feel bad!  You thought he was a nice guy.  He might be but he's probably not what you are looking for.  That's why we date.  No big deal, hold your head up high and make yourself available for a guy more to what you are wanting and you deserve.  Lots of red flags on this one.  We learn in dating what we want in a life-long partner and what we don't.  No harm no foul!  It's ok.  Goodluck!

[Londres70]

As Specialmom mentioned, therapy probably isn't a bad idea especially if this has been a pattern with you in the past.  

Not sure if this has been a pattern with you or if you just don't date enough to realize or pick up on "red flags."  

[specialmom]

I do want to say that I would think a therapist is a good idea here.  At the age of 32, I am thinking that you would be past the point of thinking a relationship like this is okay.  That you were willing to go along with this and are finding it hard to just end it is telling to me.  I think talking about where you are at in life, what you want and how you got so off track with this guy would be very beneficial to you.  Because in all honesty, patterns repeat and you could find another guy that doesn't treat you well based on your lack of judgement of this guy.  

good luck and I think everyone here wants you to be happy and that is why they are trying to give advice.  Peace

[Londres70]

Vintagequeen has made some great points.  It isn't about finding someone your own age, it is about finding someone who is decent and will VALUE you.

Yep, sounds like he is married or in a relationship with another woman.

Now that you are seeing things as they are it would be better to move on and quick.  It is terrible that you have to see him at work though.  

Chalk this one up to a learning experience and put this behind you.  

One of the hardest lessons I have learned in life is that you cannot change someone unless he/she wants change.  Just have to accept people at "face value" and NOT accept them in hopes that they will change.  

All the best dear.  

[vintagequeen]

Don't beat yourself up too much hun. We all make mistakes =) It is in our nature. What do you think you're going to do? I know it isn't easy, but you can do it. What you do is totally up to you sweetheart, but I would highly suggest you gracefully bow out of this "relationship"
Surround yourself with your best girlfriends.. Go shopping, get a latte, pamper yourself (mani/pedi) Anything to get your mind off this A-hole. It doesn't make things better that you two work together.. But by showing him that he isn't bringing you down shows off your confidence and it will show outside of the workplace too. Mr. Right is just around the corner I am sure.. However, I would suggest you take time to focus on yourself. Being single isn't bad at all! I learned so much about myself by being on my own :)
~VQ

[scaredfemale388]

I know I have allowed it  with the stupid thinking he will change. Ands its not hood that I have allowed him to treat me this way. I just need to move on

[scaredfemale388]

I am realizing that the probability is high now. ***** that it hasnt taken this long and others to point it out for me to see it. I definitly have some bad judgement.

[vintagequeen]

She doesn't necessarily need to find someone "her own age" that is up to her really. Also, you needn't be so harsh. Yes, this man is a jerk and he used her. It is very unfortunate but I don't believe she needs to be seen by a therapist. This man manipulated her, and she came to this forum for advice.

Scaredfemale- You do realize that the probability of him having a wife is extremely high, don't you? This is why he is treating you this way. You can find a better man, trust me. This guy doesn't sound worth the toilet tissue you wipe your tears on!!
Again, you have all of us to support you. You really should move on hun. Do it now so it doesn't hurt worse later! If you need to vent please private message me if you wish to!
VQ

[shell921]

we teach people how to treat us. you have taught this guy that he can treat you like crap and so he does. wake up. he's a jerk. you need to find someone your own age. but first - get into therapy and figure out why you do not feel you deserve a wonderful relationship.

[scaredfemale388]

Unfortunately I had just taken him at his word. Nevet seen his homeat all. He hust said he wanted to take things slowly.

[scaredfemale388]

Thank u vintage queen.  I appreciate you so much.

[vintagequeen]

Oh dear, I am sorry. I know you feel drawn to him, but something seriously seems very wrong! Why wouldn't he want to bring the gift home that you bought him for Christmas? It sounds more and more like he has a wife or a woman friend at home. You deserve better than that hun! It is clear that you are being used and you are NOT an object! You sound like a very thoughtful, wonderful woman and you deserve better! I know it doesn't seem like it now because you had your heart set on this "man" but I will bet anything that your Mr. Right is out there! I would suggest you put your foot down and tell this man to go fly a kite! Age doesn't matter when you love someone... He is hiding something.. I think it is another woman! I smell a rat!

I am sorry sweetheart! This is not a good feeling, I know! But you are better than this and definitely deserve better! You have a lot of support here if you need someone to talk to! But we are behind you every step of the way <3
Good luck and please keep us informed!
VQ

[Londres70]

I don't think any of this has anything to do with age.  Any man that wants to keep a woman who he is seeing a "secret" is NEVER a good sign.  Plus, he stated he doesn't want any relationship with you.  Then, he told you things were getting dull.  Sounds like he was just using you for sex in my opinion.

You sure he isn't married or in a relationship with another woman already?  

BTW:  It is Never a good idea to get involved with co-workers.

[scaredfemale388]

I agree specialmom... need to put him out of my mind.