Pushing for an "ours"...am I being unreasonable?

[jlo3369]

I am a 42 year old (separated) with two children (18 and 8), currently living with my ex husband in the home we own together. This allows us to both spend equal time with our kids and helps me financially (recently graduated from college and currently not working, but seeking it). My partner, of 5 years, is 54 (separated) with 3 children (28, 22, 21) and lives on a farm in one of his family's houses (he does not own the home). The fact that I live with my ex, drives my boyfriend crazy, as he does not have access to me when I am here. My ex does not exactly like this set up either with regard to my boyfriend. I understand both sides and I would like this situation to change. I have tried on two occassions to live with my boyfriend, only to return to my home.

My boyfriend's home does not work well for me on several levels. My oldest child is loyal to his father and will not spend time with me there, my youngest child loves to go, but always wants to come home to see his father and brother. Two of my boyfriend's sons still live at home, and both have girlfriends who stay there most of the time. We all get along very well, but in a small one bathroom, one recreation-space house, it makes living there very difficult...it's almost like a frat house, we are tripping over each other. The house does not allow anyone space or privacy. The house itself is very old and needs a lot of TLC. It is in a rual part of our city, no easy access to a main street or highway to commute to work (when I am employed) or my son's school. The lifestyle my boyfriend has, does not appeal to me either, the farm is demanding and requires a lot of his time (this is a hobby farm), the theme at the house is sports and recreation vehicles (quads, motorcycles, boats, skidoos, etc.)...not very female friendly. There is often a lot of traffic (kid's friends, family members). It is also my boyfriends matrimonial home, where his ex tends to feel entitled (stops by/calls when her life is falling apart, drops off her dog for days, invites people from out of town to stay). Thankfully that has stopped for the time being, but it could easily start up at any time. My boyfriend's job is not a 9 to 5 job, he works in construction, often working late, so I would spend a lot of time alone there. The list goes on and on for me. Simply put, it does not work well for me or my kids...I feel like I am being consumed and swalled up by his lifestyle and his family. I just want to mention, his family is great, very warm and loving.

My boyfriend's side, this is his childhood home, 4 generations have lived there (heritage), it allows for a mutually benefical relationship between his parents and himself (he does the work, they charge very little in rent), it allows for him to be available for his parents and other relatives that live on the property (brother and his family, aunt), it is great for his dogs to run around (100 acres), he enjoys the privacy, and the quiet. He finds the scenery beautiful and tranquil. He finds working around the farm and riding on farm equipment cathartic. He has a list of projects he has to complete before leaving. I should mention, maintaining a farm never ends...there is always something to do. And again, there are several more reasons for him. He cannot afford to own a farm which would allow him all the benefits it brings, so why leave.

A house of our own would give us neutral ground for us and our children, allow our relationship to move forward (after 5 years), give us space (it would be more accomodating), establish independence (away from family), blend our lifestyles (to work for both), increase our equity, decrease his committments (someone would lease and be responsible for the farm), and so on.

I have thought about getting a place of my own, but my boyfriend thinks that would be counter productive, why spend money on rent, shouldn't we be saving it (for a house)? I cannot see any real reason why we cannot buy a house within the next 14 months, but he will not commit to it. He says he wants to buy one, but when? Is it unreasonable for me to ask? I just want to make some decisions, knowing when he might commit, would be helpful.

We truly love, respect, and admire one another, I can't imagine my life without him...he is a keeper. And he feels the same way about me. He wants me in his future.

Am I being unreasonable? Any advice would be helpful.

Looking for an "ours"

[brice1967]

I don't want to offend you, but all of your lives are just too complicated and intertwined.  Both you and your boyfriend seem too involved to be committed to each other.  There is so much interaction with the ex's.... it just doesn't seem right.  (I am not for sure how one can call themselves separated, but still live under the same roof and interact all of the time.)

You and your boyfriend have been together for 5 years, and neither of you is divorced?  I'm not going to understand this one.....  You spent a lines mentioning everything that you do not like about your boyfriend and his situation.  You later went on to prop him back up a bit.

I think you need to #1... speak with a therapist about all of this.  #2... Take a real good look at yourself and discover what you really want.  #3... Be willing to take a break from both guys until you can weed this out.

I have to tell you, a house will not accommodate you with all you said it would.  You would like for that to happen, but a house is an object.  There are too many people involved to think that a house can provide all of the support and help that you need.... it just can't do that.  

[Londres70]

I am sorry, but I am confused.  

You and your bf call yourselves "separated" but your soon to be exs seem to be still heavily involved in your lives?  You still live with your ex?  His ex comes over to use his house for "this and that?"  Hmmmm.  When will you all be divorced?  This is too much for your children to be exposed to.  It is just plain confusing and too complicated.  

I wouldn't purchase property with anyone that is just a "bf."  You all aren't even divorced yet.  Correct?  

I would focus on you and getting your independence first, i.e. the divorce, own place, etc.  No relationships until that is completed.  

You definitely should talk with a marriage counselor or therapist about all this.  I believe in professional help.  We are offering our opinions, but it is not professional help.  

You all need to end your marriages before moving on and you all haven't really done that.  

I

[sweetpea03]

You wrote that you are divorced and your bf is separated, meaning he is still married? But not only that, you list a number of other problems as well in regards to this relationship you have. I do think it is best that you not date right now, as the two ladies above me have stated, and just focus on your children. You have a young 8 year old who wants and needs your attention. What made you divorce your ex husband? You both seem to live and work well enough together to live together peacefully.

[AnnieBrooke]

I tend to agree with Dr. Laura that nobody should be dating when their kids are under 18.  It is just too hard on the kids, too messy, and too tacky.  (Do you really want your children to know all about your sex life?)  I think your 18-year-old made a wise choice.  Though it isn't giving you what you personally want for a while, if you think about cooling it on your relationship front for a while, it would certainly be more dignified.

[RockRose]

I think since you get along with your ex husband well enough to live with him,  and you still have an 8 year old,  you should remarry him.  

You did take vows,  and produced two children,  and obviously can work with each other well enough to live together.  I'm not sure about what dynamic made you go out and find a boyfriend when your baby was still 3.  

My 2 cents.  For what it's worth.