Aa
Raped by step-brother
Hi, I really don't know what to do. I met my dad when I was 16 for the first time. It was a little strange at first, but I was accepted right away by him and the rest of the family. I have 1 half sister, 1 step-sister, 2 half-brothers and a step-brother. I would go over maybe once a month for the weekend, and would party and drink with the family. They were/are big drinkers, drug-users.. Things were going well and I started to feel comfortable with them. My dad finally admitted the reason we'd never met was because my mom wouldn't allow it (which she finally admitted when asked).
Anyways, one weekend while I was there (I was 18 by then), I was drinking and doing drugs with my step-brother (I know, bad, but I was a teen lol) and we were playing pool and having fun, I was really starting to feel "accepted".. Anyways, I was wasted by bed time, and so was he.. My half-brother was asleep on top bunk-bed, he had lower bunk-bed, I made a bed on the floor.. Suddenly he jumped out of bed and on top of me, holding my arms down with one hand, he was straddling me so I couldn't move, and he started pulling my pants off with the other hand, and using his feet.. Saying things like, "we are meant for each other, I love you, your so beautiful" while I was yelling "stop, stop, your my brother, this isn't right" and he was saying "I'm not your brother, I never will be your brother, we should be together" and he had my pants off by then, and raped me.. (the rest is a memory blank).
The next day he was calling me names at the breakfast table. Idk why no one stood up for me . I went home that day, and never contacted my dad for another 8 years.. Anytime by boyfriend (now fiancé) or anyone else asked about my dad I just said he was an ******* and they drink too much.. I finally told my fiancé about 5 years ago what happened.
Then I got pregnant, and my dad is his only grandpa, besides my own 86 year old grandpa. And so I got the urge to get my dad back into my life.. I contacted him, and we've been working on re-establishing a relationship since then.. My son is now 2.
Problem is, our relationship is very strained, there's always this "elephant in the room" feeling.. I never told him what happened.. As a result, my dad and his wife isn't close with me and my son, like he is with the rest of their kids/grandkids. My fiancé doesn't think I should say anything to my dad, but how can we ever have a good relationship with this elephant in the room? P.s. I also posted this in another forum, but someone mentioned on someone elses post that this forum has more active members.
Anyways, one weekend while I was there (I was 18 by then), I was drinking and doing drugs with my step-brother (I know, bad, but I was a teen lol) and we were playing pool and having fun, I was really starting to feel "accepted".. Anyways, I was wasted by bed time, and so was he.. My half-brother was asleep on top bunk-bed, he had lower bunk-bed, I made a bed on the floor.. Suddenly he jumped out of bed and on top of me, holding my arms down with one hand, he was straddling me so I couldn't move, and he started pulling my pants off with the other hand, and using his feet.. Saying things like, "we are meant for each other, I love you, your so beautiful" while I was yelling "stop, stop, your my brother, this isn't right" and he was saying "I'm not your brother, I never will be your brother, we should be together" and he had my pants off by then, and raped me.. (the rest is a memory blank).
The next day he was calling me names at the breakfast table. Idk why no one stood up for me . I went home that day, and never contacted my dad for another 8 years.. Anytime by boyfriend (now fiancé) or anyone else asked about my dad I just said he was an ******* and they drink too much.. I finally told my fiancé about 5 years ago what happened.
Then I got pregnant, and my dad is his only grandpa, besides my own 86 year old grandpa. And so I got the urge to get my dad back into my life.. I contacted him, and we've been working on re-establishing a relationship since then.. My son is now 2.
Problem is, our relationship is very strained, there's always this "elephant in the room" feeling.. I never told him what happened.. As a result, my dad and his wife isn't close with me and my son, like he is with the rest of their kids/grandkids. My fiancé doesn't think I should say anything to my dad, but how can we ever have a good relationship with this elephant in the room? P.s. I also posted this in another forum, but someone mentioned on someone elses post that this forum has more active members.
I feel so sorry for you and the position you find yourself in. Everyone has an opinion on what to do, and I guess that I am no different. What I would suggest is, read each opinion and take them at face value. Don't read too much into them, but rather think about what was said. Give each opinion a good long look and let it all sink in. (The answer on what to do and what is right for you lies inside of you....)
What I do suggest is that you see a therapist regarding this situation. I think that if you can lay it all out to a person completely on the outside, you can get an unbiased opinion and also gain the proper perspective and tools to put this behind you and keep it behind you. (Dealing with the problem is key, and as an above poster said... maybe doing it in a letter to your father is a real good way of doing so. There is a down side to telling your father. He might not believe a word of it, and then you would have to deal with that as well. On the other hand, if you are "letting go" of the relationship with your father, you really have nothing else to lose. Again, the right answer lies within you.... take your time and give this a lot of thought.)
I had a dysfunctional relationship with my father too. I'd like to share the story with you, because I think there is something there for you to learn or at least see... but I don't want to put it out here in the wide open. If you are intersted in the story, message me.
I wish you peace and luck.
What I do suggest is that you see a therapist regarding this situation. I think that if you can lay it all out to a person completely on the outside, you can get an unbiased opinion and also gain the proper perspective and tools to put this behind you and keep it behind you. (Dealing with the problem is key, and as an above poster said... maybe doing it in a letter to your father is a real good way of doing so. There is a down side to telling your father. He might not believe a word of it, and then you would have to deal with that as well. On the other hand, if you are "letting go" of the relationship with your father, you really have nothing else to lose. Again, the right answer lies within you.... take your time and give this a lot of thought.)
I had a dysfunctional relationship with my father too. I'd like to share the story with you, because I think there is something there for you to learn or at least see... but I don't want to put it out here in the wide open. If you are intersted in the story, message me.
I wish you peace and luck.
I'm so glad to hear this last post. Hearing that you would not trust this side of the family with your little boy, and that he would start to wonder why, is important. It's not anything that you can explain to a little one, and the confusion of him not being treated as part of the family (with sleepovers) would be devastating to him. Not only that, you already know that he's not being treated as an equal. He's at the age where he will forget these people, if you stop talking about them, and that is the best solution. So, I think that it's hurting you to continue having anything to do with your abuser. No doubt he covered his bases and has told everyone that it is you that came on to him that night and that's the elephant in the room that you feel.
That being said, since you don't have anything to lose, if you plan to stop going near them, why not have the closure and simply tell your dad what happened? Give him the reason why, this time, you have nothing to do with that side of the family. Maybe tell him how you feel about him letting you go again, for nine years and get it off your chest? You can do this in a letter. Who knows, maybe his son has already been caught doing something similar and it would be helpful to others to know of this incident?
I pray that you will fill that void in your life, and your son's life with a good friends that you have come to trust. God Bless you and your family. Congrats on the baby and the upcoming marriage!!
That being said, since you don't have anything to lose, if you plan to stop going near them, why not have the closure and simply tell your dad what happened? Give him the reason why, this time, you have nothing to do with that side of the family. Maybe tell him how you feel about him letting you go again, for nine years and get it off your chest? You can do this in a letter. Who knows, maybe his son has already been caught doing something similar and it would be helpful to others to know of this incident?
I pray that you will fill that void in your life, and your son's life with a good friends that you have come to trust. God Bless you and your family. Congrats on the baby and the upcoming marriage!!
Tink-thank-you for clarifying for me, it's appreciated :)
You guys are so right, that maybe I'm mourning the loss of something that was never there in the first place (iE:a positive role model for my son). I posted this in another forum as well, and someone else asked if he has any other relatives that can fill that void. You guys are right, maybe I should be focusing on helping him fill that void and forming a strong bond with people who do care, and are a positive influence, instead of hoping to find that in a person who abandoned me (twice) and has a lifestyle like that, when I know I'd never feel my son is "safe" in his care.
You guys are so right, that maybe I'm mourning the loss of something that was never there in the first place (iE:a positive role model for my son). I posted this in another forum as well, and someone else asked if he has any other relatives that can fill that void. You guys are right, maybe I should be focusing on helping him fill that void and forming a strong bond with people who do care, and are a positive influence, instead of hoping to find that in a person who abandoned me (twice) and has a lifestyle like that, when I know I'd never feel my son is "safe" in his care.
Please believe I never meant to imply that You "asked" to be raped. I am a Woman too, and like All Others I agree NO means NO!! besides saying "no", You also describe being forced. This was wrong on EVERY level!! I totally agree!!
When I said that EveryOne was drinking and doing drugs I meant that as a criticism of the behavior - You were 18 years old which tells me Your Dad was an Adult and He was modeling bad behavior for/with His Daughter and His Sons. I meant only to suggest that this is not the kind of GrandPa You might want for Your Baby. You had a wonderful GrandPa YourSelf and, on an emotional level You want that for Your Baby but it doesn't sound to me that Your own Dad measures up. I meant that if You tell Your Dad what happened to You that night, I think there would still be an "elephant in the room" as pertains to the relationship between You and Your "Dad". When I said "love isn't always DNA" I meant that something sacred doesn't happen when an egg and sperm have met, that at that point it is simple biology. Love and Parenting are what We make of it. There are Good People and there are Bad People in this world - sometimes they are Moms and Dads.
I apologize if I sounded offensive to You. On the other hand, if You want to tell Your Dad what happened I think You should - I just don't think it will change Your Dad into what You desire Him to be.
Regards,
Tink
When I said that EveryOne was drinking and doing drugs I meant that as a criticism of the behavior - You were 18 years old which tells me Your Dad was an Adult and He was modeling bad behavior for/with His Daughter and His Sons. I meant only to suggest that this is not the kind of GrandPa You might want for Your Baby. You had a wonderful GrandPa YourSelf and, on an emotional level You want that for Your Baby but it doesn't sound to me that Your own Dad measures up. I meant that if You tell Your Dad what happened to You that night, I think there would still be an "elephant in the room" as pertains to the relationship between You and Your "Dad". When I said "love isn't always DNA" I meant that something sacred doesn't happen when an egg and sperm have met, that at that point it is simple biology. Love and Parenting are what We make of it. There are Good People and there are Bad People in this world - sometimes they are Moms and Dads.
I apologize if I sounded offensive to You. On the other hand, if You want to tell Your Dad what happened I think You should - I just don't think it will change Your Dad into what You desire Him to be.
Regards,
Tink
Lisa-my name is Theresa. Angel is the name of my first child, that I lost due to m/c. In July 09. That's when I joined this site
T2- step-brother is part of my fathers life, but seems somewhat strained due to step-bros continuing to abuse drugs/alcohol, and his anger issues. My dad used to drink a lot, but seems to have cleaned up some.. I don't KNOW for sure though, when it's just short visits here and there with my dad.. It bothers me more that, when I'm invited to social situations.. To attend, I gotta deal with step-bro, and continuing to act as though nothing happened.. At my half brothers wedding earlier this year, my son had dropped his sippy cup, and step-bro gave it back to me.. Creepiest feeling ever.. When my son went to grab it and take a sip, I wouldn't let him have it..
Asking about cousins relationship.. The kids don't seem to "sense" anything.. He seems to get along ok with them.. Though he has only met the other kids a few times, so it's hard to say. The other kids all seem to know each other really well.. Though my Dad takes all the other kids for the night and stuff, but doesn't with my son so they most likely see each other quite a bit.
Some examples of the "disconnect".. My dad (and wife) came to my sons birthday party a few weeks ago.. Stayed 20 mins.. And refused to step foot in my livingroom.. So I missed a bunch of my sons birthday party, to try and make them feel comfortable in the kitchen.. Didn't interact with my son at all..
God knows WHY I went, but my dads wife invited me to step-bros daughters birthday party.. Didnt want to make waves i guess.. Step bros girlfriend made a HUGE deal over the fact that "I wasn't invited" and refused to give my son a treat bag, although some of the invited guests hadn't shown up, and so she had extra.. I spent like $50 on a gift, the treat bag was from the dollar store.. So step-bro has most likely said stuff about me, to try and turn the family against me as well..
There's other stuff, but those are a couple things that stick out, that really just make me feel like my family and I aren't really accepted.
Asking about cousins relationship.. The kids don't seem to "sense" anything.. He seems to get along ok with them.. Though he has only met the other kids a few times, so it's hard to say. The other kids all seem to know each other really well.. Though my Dad takes all the other kids for the night and stuff, but doesn't with my son so they most likely see each other quite a bit.
Some examples of the "disconnect".. My dad (and wife) came to my sons birthday party a few weeks ago.. Stayed 20 mins.. And refused to step foot in my livingroom.. So I missed a bunch of my sons birthday party, to try and make them feel comfortable in the kitchen.. Didn't interact with my son at all..
God knows WHY I went, but my dads wife invited me to step-bros daughters birthday party.. Didnt want to make waves i guess.. Step bros girlfriend made a HUGE deal over the fact that "I wasn't invited" and refused to give my son a treat bag, although some of the invited guests hadn't shown up, and so she had extra.. I spent like $50 on a gift, the treat bag was from the dollar store.. So step-bro has most likely said stuff about me, to try and turn the family against me as well..
There's other stuff, but those are a couple things that stick out, that really just make me feel like my family and I aren't really accepted.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
