Aa
Should I end it? If so, how do I do it?
I'm hoping someone can help me...although I know it's only me who can get to the bottom of this. Here it goes. This is very hard for me but I don't want to hurt anymore and I definitely don't want to hurt my girlfriend anymore. We've dated 7 years - 7 beautiful years. The problem is we've grown apart and it seems like we're more like friends than in a real relationship. In fact, sadly I've cheated on her and I hate myself everyday for it...the problem is I can't stop and don't know that I ever will. I thought for sure that I wanted to marry her and I know I'm only lying to myself and her at the same time. The problem is I can't break up with her...it's like I'm so selfish and I just keep her around. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of change, or afraid to hurt her or that I'll never find love again...I just know that something is not right in our relationship anymore. I love her to death but I don't think I'm IN LOVE with her anymore. I just don't feel the same way that I used to feel but at the same time I don't want to lose her. I don't know what's wrong with me. She deserves better than me? She deserves someone who should love her the way she deserves to be loved. I want so badly to be that person but I just know that it will never be that way again...and what's frustrating about it is that I don't know why. Everyone tells me that I just need to break up with her but it's so much easier said than done. We've been through a lot over the past couple of weeks and now would just be horrible timing to call it off. I've found a girl that really makes me happy and we just clicked from the beginning and that scares me because I don't know if it's fake or if it's a sign that it's time to end it with my girlfriend. I hate myself so much and I don't think I deserve happiness for what I've done. I feel like a jerk, I never wanted to be "that guy." Part of me wants to be with her so bad. SO BAD! Sadly, part of me doesn't know what I want anymore. She has such a beautiful heart and would never do anything like this to me. This has just hurt way to long and I don't know where else to go and what else to do. I'm hoping someone can please help me. What should I do?
Thanks.
Thanks.
break up with her and stop the poor me thing. jeez you carry on an on how you hurt and ache and love her, but yet say you cheat and cant stop. give her the respect to get out and stop hurting the poor thing! then dont get into another commited relationship until you mature a bit more. there is more to something serious than just clicking. if you want to have fun, date, screw around, that is great and im all for it, but you have to be honest with yourself and the women you are involved with.
This post has passive-aggressive written all over it. What should you do? Come clean with this poor woman whom you've been taking for a ride because you were too self-centered to think about her needs. "She doesn't deserve this," "I'm a jerk for doing this," "I can't stop (my behavior)." All of these lame excuses are a cover for your fear of intimacy and inability to be honest with your partner, and it's clear you don't respect her.
Your meeting another woman with whom you "click" is also a joke. What makes you think the same sh*t isn't going to happen with this woman? Or the next one? Hell, it's highly suspect that you even loved the first woman in any meaningful way. You seem too self-centered to be able to care for somebody at the level expected in a mutually intimate partnership.
You are too emotionally immature to be in a "relationship." Stay away from these poor women until you get your head screwed on straight. Therapy would be a start. Maybe somebody can get through to you and help you work on your passive-aggressive tendencies. In the meantime, stay out of relationships. If you have a desire to get laid, go to a sex worker. Continuing to drag unsuspecting women into your drama will hamper your own progress in overcoming your deep-seated fears of intimacy.
Your meeting another woman with whom you "click" is also a joke. What makes you think the same sh*t isn't going to happen with this woman? Or the next one? Hell, it's highly suspect that you even loved the first woman in any meaningful way. You seem too self-centered to be able to care for somebody at the level expected in a mutually intimate partnership.
You are too emotionally immature to be in a "relationship." Stay away from these poor women until you get your head screwed on straight. Therapy would be a start. Maybe somebody can get through to you and help you work on your passive-aggressive tendencies. In the meantime, stay out of relationships. If you have a desire to get laid, go to a sex worker. Continuing to drag unsuspecting women into your drama will hamper your own progress in overcoming your deep-seated fears of intimacy.
*grins*
So, what do you REALLY think?
I'm with them, Bad. You need therapy if you ever want to have a chance at a normal, healthy relationship. If you are just wanting shallow, short term booty calls, there's plenty of that around. Just be clear with the girl first about where your head (the one 3 feet above your a$$) is.
So, what do you REALLY think?
I'm with them, Bad. You need therapy if you ever want to have a chance at a normal, healthy relationship. If you are just wanting shallow, short term booty calls, there's plenty of that around. Just be clear with the girl first about where your head (the one 3 feet above your a$$) is.
I think you know exactly what you need to do. You better do it fast before somebody else does it for you, and then you really understand what humiliation and turmoil looks like. Unfortunately, it is behavior like this that is emotionally scarring in a relationship. I think you need to be a man and treat women with greater respect than you do. Funny thing about karma, the type of energy you are putting out in this world is exactly what you will receive in return.
Koukla, good points about the emotional damage inflicted. Unfortunately, I'm getting a "bad feeling" that "BadDay" is...in his mid-30s? Just a hunch based on his screen name.
For some reason, this thread reminded me of those awful "self-help" books written for women that make millions of dollars for the authors but don't move women even 2 inches down the road towards understanding why they continue to engage in emotionally damaging relationships. I have a friend who ghost-wrote for one of these "masterpieces." She made some big bucks on the gig but said it was humiliating to write the stuff. "I'm OK, You're My Worst Nightmare," "He Never was Into Me, but I Slept with Him Anyway," and "Men Who Despise Women But Continue to Date Them." You know the ones.
This guy is a poster child for these books. If the guy isn't completely pathological and just sleeps around on women for the hell of it (or because he's a misogynist at some level), then there were probably signs before the infidelity occurred that things had gone south. That's why it's always better not to ignore in the beginning the neuroses that you recognize even Freud couldn't solve - because they won't just disappear as the relationship progresses.
But, yeah, this is the stuff of "emotional damage," koukla. Maybe the girlfriend will show up here in a few weeks telling her story.
For some reason, this thread reminded me of those awful "self-help" books written for women that make millions of dollars for the authors but don't move women even 2 inches down the road towards understanding why they continue to engage in emotionally damaging relationships. I have a friend who ghost-wrote for one of these "masterpieces." She made some big bucks on the gig but said it was humiliating to write the stuff. "I'm OK, You're My Worst Nightmare," "He Never was Into Me, but I Slept with Him Anyway," and "Men Who Despise Women But Continue to Date Them." You know the ones.
This guy is a poster child for these books. If the guy isn't completely pathological and just sleeps around on women for the hell of it (or because he's a misogynist at some level), then there were probably signs before the infidelity occurred that things had gone south. That's why it's always better not to ignore in the beginning the neuroses that you recognize even Freud couldn't solve - because they won't just disappear as the relationship progresses.
But, yeah, this is the stuff of "emotional damage," koukla. Maybe the girlfriend will show up here in a few weeks telling her story.
You guys actually have it all wrong. I don't know why I even posted here. I was looking for a way to make things better - didn't know i was gonna take a beating. Actually, I'm not in my 30's - I'm 24. This was my very first and only long term relationship. I met her in college and we're still together. We've just kind of drifted apart. For you to all say I'm just doing this for sex and that I don't love and respect her is plain ridiculous!!! I love her more than anything on this earth. I don't know what it is that doesn't make us right for each other. Something just isn't right and I wish I knew what it was. I don't just go around looking for sex. It's not even about that. We had a great sex life. The woman I "clicked" with is somebody I work with and we're going through the same thing...I think that's why we were sort of drawn towards each other. I think it's wrong for you all to just sit here and say I'm a bad person and that I'm selfish and don't care about women. You don't know me! Why don't you look in the mirror and ask yourself if you've ever messed up. Just break up with her...just break up with her! Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I want to figure out why I need her so much and why I'm doing this to her...and to me. I guess I'm wasting my breath...because nobody understands my side. Shoot, if I don't understand this how can I expect any of you to have answers? I want so bad to be in love with her again. We deserve it! I can't even imagine her NOT being in my life...it hurts way too much. I don't know if I'm scared of commitment or what it is - but from what everyone I know tells me - when you're really in love you just know it and you want to spend every minute of your life with that person. Why don't I have that? It hurts so bad...
Okay, "BadDay," I'm going to go ahead and respond to some of the stuff you said in your original post so you can see what we are talking about. Actually, I'm rather relieved you are "only" 24, because the kind of behavior you are engaging in would be a hell of a lot worse if you were even older. But anyway.
Try to follow along here:
"The problem is we've grown apart and it seems like we're more like friends than in a real relationship. In fact, sadly I've cheated on her and I hate myself everyday for it...the problem is I can't stop and don't know that I ever will."
Passive-aggressive. You are engaging in a destructive behavior at the same time as saying, "Yeah, I know, I'm a louse, but I can't help it." You are out of control and engaged in impulsive behavior. Which is what everybody upthread was telling you.
" I thought for sure that I wanted to marry her and I know I'm only lying to myself and her at the same time. The problem is I can't break up with her...it's like I'm so selfish and I just keep her around. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of change, or afraid to hurt her or that I'll never find love again.."
If you don't know what you want, you don't deserve what you have. Same passive-aggressive sh*t here. It's clear as day, man. The behavior is obstructive, which means you are acting out in order to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation, namely, talking to your partner about it. Easier to string her along than discuss it.
".I just know that something is not right in our relationship anymore. I love her to death but I don't think I'm IN LOVE with her anymore. I just don't feel the same way that I used to feel but at the same time I don't want to lose her. I don't know what's wrong with me."
Genuine love doesn't include slithering around behind your partner's back. It doesn't include not discussing your fears and insecurities with her and letting her know you love her but don't understand what's going on. All of that needs to be discussed. If it can't be, you have no business being in a relationship.
" She deserves better than me?"
It's looking like that, yes.
" She deserves someone who should love her the way she deserves to be loved. I want so badly to be that person but I just know that it will never be that way again."
More passive-aggressive stuff here. I want to be the guy, but I can't be the guy. Who are you trying to kid with this jacked-up routine?
Look, people go through many stages in their love for their partner. The sex can change, the love can change. What may be happening is that you simply are not emotionally mature enough to handle those different kinds of changes. If you are alluding to the infatuation stage of your relationship, those feelings of wanting to be together all the time, the sexual stuff that can be intense and mind-bending, and the attraction that pulled you in in the first place - well, that stuff can change over time. It is more likely than not that it WILL change over time. The infatuation stage is just that - a stage. What usually shakes out - in emotionally mature people who are committed to one another - is that a deeper, more mature love takes its place. It's a love that allows you to see who the other person is for the first time, their flaws, their character, their good sides, their bad sides, and they see you that way too. It replaces infatuation. Frankly, the deeper love is the bomb. It's got it all over infatuation, as far as I'm concerned. And it is the true beginnings of intimacy, which can't really happen during infatuation stage because, well, we are infatuated. We overlook lots of stuff to be with that person, we overlook their flaws, some of their character traits, whatever. It's a chemical change that takes place in our brains in order for people to hook up and procreate. Infatuation is more biological than emotional. Deeper love is more emotional.
But it's also when the true work of love starts to take place. The real work in a relationship. And if you are simply not emotionally ready to commit and do that work, then you need to leave. And you need to leave SOON.
The change from infatuation to the deeper emotional connection is usually a telling time in a relationship. It is frightening for some people, for people who are afraid of intimacy, people who were damaged in their past, for people who don't understand why they aren't ******* like bunnies any more or why they don't feel that chemical rush they had during infatuation. It takes a great deal of emotional maturity to rise to it and do this work in a relationship.
Maybe you just aren't mature enough for that yet.
"..and what's frustrating about it is that I don't know why. Everyone tells me that I just need to break up with her but it's so much easier said than done. We've been through a lot over the past couple of weeks and now would just be horrible timing to call it off. I've found a girl that really makes me happy and we just clicked from the beginning and that scares me because I don't know if it's fake or if it's a sign that it's time to end it with my girlfriend."
You are a textbook case, man. Just textbook. This is all about you. You've hooked up with some other broad, you won't leave the first one, yet you chastise yourself for your behavior. Unreal.
" I hate myself so much and I don't think I deserve happiness for what I've done. I feel like a jerk, I never wanted to be "that guy." Part of me wants to be with her so bad. SO BAD! Sadly, part of me doesn't know what I want anymore. She has such a beautiful heart and would never do anything like this to me. This has just hurt way to long and I don't know where else to go and what else to do."
Presumably, this indicates you feel guilty over your own behavior. Yet you fail to recognize that continuing with this behavior continues to damage everybody around you, including yourself, because you have apparently come to despise yourself for feeling this way. Or at least you are making remarks in that arena.
At some level, your self-hatred reflects, yet again, a passive-aggressive way of avoiding reality. It's another way of obstructing your progress. I'm a terrible guy, look what I've done - you are justifying to yourself your own behavior. That will keep you stuck, for sure.
I'm picking up a sense of overdramatization here as well. Just a twinge of it. That could be your guilt. I have no idea.
But just based on what you've told us? You're a mess. I stand by my posts; I don't know about the others here. You are in no condition emotionally to have a long-term relationship at this point and probably won't be until you figure out why you a) feel the need to step outside your relationships instead of discussing with your partner your concerns; b) continue to justify doing so and not cut off contact immediately with the second woman if in fact you are "serious" about the 7-year woman.
It's pretty clear to me. You can cloud it up all you want with "you don't know us at all" b.s., but that's all it is. You laid out what you are doing, and the bottom line is you are unwilling, for whatever reason, to communicate your concerns about the relationship with your partner, the one person who has the right to know what the hell is going on in your mind (and in your pants). You continue to justify your ongoing duplicitous behavior with passive-aggressive remarks about "I can't stop myself," "I'm a bad person, I know it, but this is how it is," and "She doesn't deserve me."
If you truly want to "save" your 7-year thing, break it off with the second woman, tell the first woman you have concerns about the relationship, and haul your a*s and hers down to a therapist. The rest of it is just hot air.
Try to follow along here:
"The problem is we've grown apart and it seems like we're more like friends than in a real relationship. In fact, sadly I've cheated on her and I hate myself everyday for it...the problem is I can't stop and don't know that I ever will."
Passive-aggressive. You are engaging in a destructive behavior at the same time as saying, "Yeah, I know, I'm a louse, but I can't help it." You are out of control and engaged in impulsive behavior. Which is what everybody upthread was telling you.
" I thought for sure that I wanted to marry her and I know I'm only lying to myself and her at the same time. The problem is I can't break up with her...it's like I'm so selfish and I just keep her around. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of change, or afraid to hurt her or that I'll never find love again.."
If you don't know what you want, you don't deserve what you have. Same passive-aggressive sh*t here. It's clear as day, man. The behavior is obstructive, which means you are acting out in order to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation, namely, talking to your partner about it. Easier to string her along than discuss it.
".I just know that something is not right in our relationship anymore. I love her to death but I don't think I'm IN LOVE with her anymore. I just don't feel the same way that I used to feel but at the same time I don't want to lose her. I don't know what's wrong with me."
Genuine love doesn't include slithering around behind your partner's back. It doesn't include not discussing your fears and insecurities with her and letting her know you love her but don't understand what's going on. All of that needs to be discussed. If it can't be, you have no business being in a relationship.
" She deserves better than me?"
It's looking like that, yes.
" She deserves someone who should love her the way she deserves to be loved. I want so badly to be that person but I just know that it will never be that way again."
More passive-aggressive stuff here. I want to be the guy, but I can't be the guy. Who are you trying to kid with this jacked-up routine?
Look, people go through many stages in their love for their partner. The sex can change, the love can change. What may be happening is that you simply are not emotionally mature enough to handle those different kinds of changes. If you are alluding to the infatuation stage of your relationship, those feelings of wanting to be together all the time, the sexual stuff that can be intense and mind-bending, and the attraction that pulled you in in the first place - well, that stuff can change over time. It is more likely than not that it WILL change over time. The infatuation stage is just that - a stage. What usually shakes out - in emotionally mature people who are committed to one another - is that a deeper, more mature love takes its place. It's a love that allows you to see who the other person is for the first time, their flaws, their character, their good sides, their bad sides, and they see you that way too. It replaces infatuation. Frankly, the deeper love is the bomb. It's got it all over infatuation, as far as I'm concerned. And it is the true beginnings of intimacy, which can't really happen during infatuation stage because, well, we are infatuated. We overlook lots of stuff to be with that person, we overlook their flaws, some of their character traits, whatever. It's a chemical change that takes place in our brains in order for people to hook up and procreate. Infatuation is more biological than emotional. Deeper love is more emotional.
But it's also when the true work of love starts to take place. The real work in a relationship. And if you are simply not emotionally ready to commit and do that work, then you need to leave. And you need to leave SOON.
The change from infatuation to the deeper emotional connection is usually a telling time in a relationship. It is frightening for some people, for people who are afraid of intimacy, people who were damaged in their past, for people who don't understand why they aren't ******* like bunnies any more or why they don't feel that chemical rush they had during infatuation. It takes a great deal of emotional maturity to rise to it and do this work in a relationship.
Maybe you just aren't mature enough for that yet.
"..and what's frustrating about it is that I don't know why. Everyone tells me that I just need to break up with her but it's so much easier said than done. We've been through a lot over the past couple of weeks and now would just be horrible timing to call it off. I've found a girl that really makes me happy and we just clicked from the beginning and that scares me because I don't know if it's fake or if it's a sign that it's time to end it with my girlfriend."
You are a textbook case, man. Just textbook. This is all about you. You've hooked up with some other broad, you won't leave the first one, yet you chastise yourself for your behavior. Unreal.
" I hate myself so much and I don't think I deserve happiness for what I've done. I feel like a jerk, I never wanted to be "that guy." Part of me wants to be with her so bad. SO BAD! Sadly, part of me doesn't know what I want anymore. She has such a beautiful heart and would never do anything like this to me. This has just hurt way to long and I don't know where else to go and what else to do."
Presumably, this indicates you feel guilty over your own behavior. Yet you fail to recognize that continuing with this behavior continues to damage everybody around you, including yourself, because you have apparently come to despise yourself for feeling this way. Or at least you are making remarks in that arena.
At some level, your self-hatred reflects, yet again, a passive-aggressive way of avoiding reality. It's another way of obstructing your progress. I'm a terrible guy, look what I've done - you are justifying to yourself your own behavior. That will keep you stuck, for sure.
I'm picking up a sense of overdramatization here as well. Just a twinge of it. That could be your guilt. I have no idea.
But just based on what you've told us? You're a mess. I stand by my posts; I don't know about the others here. You are in no condition emotionally to have a long-term relationship at this point and probably won't be until you figure out why you a) feel the need to step outside your relationships instead of discussing with your partner your concerns; b) continue to justify doing so and not cut off contact immediately with the second woman if in fact you are "serious" about the 7-year woman.
It's pretty clear to me. You can cloud it up all you want with "you don't know us at all" b.s., but that's all it is. You laid out what you are doing, and the bottom line is you are unwilling, for whatever reason, to communicate your concerns about the relationship with your partner, the one person who has the right to know what the hell is going on in your mind (and in your pants). You continue to justify your ongoing duplicitous behavior with passive-aggressive remarks about "I can't stop myself," "I'm a bad person, I know it, but this is how it is," and "She doesn't deserve me."
If you truly want to "save" your 7-year thing, break it off with the second woman, tell the first woman you have concerns about the relationship, and haul your a*s and hers down to a therapist. The rest of it is just hot air.
BTW, I have a prediction about how this whole scenario is going to play out, just based on what you've told us.
You continue to string along both women because of course "you just can't help it" and are "so confused" about everything and just can't "hurt" the first girl. Here's what happens: Sooner or later, the first woman will figure out what you are doing - either through incriminating evidence, or your schedule being messed up, or your unavailability, or something else will tip her off to what you are doing - and it leads her to break up with YOU.
You are then in the clear. You will absolve yourself of your guilt because you didn't have to do the "dirty work" of confronting HER, avoiding actually having a mature adult discussion of your conflicted emotions (because of course your "timing" in "talking to her about it" was "so bad"), and you will be cut loose from the relationship you are having "doubts" about to pursue the second woman (or yet another woman, given your pattern).
Classic passive-aggressive. Like I said: textbook.
You continue to string along both women because of course "you just can't help it" and are "so confused" about everything and just can't "hurt" the first girl. Here's what happens: Sooner or later, the first woman will figure out what you are doing - either through incriminating evidence, or your schedule being messed up, or your unavailability, or something else will tip her off to what you are doing - and it leads her to break up with YOU.
You are then in the clear. You will absolve yourself of your guilt because you didn't have to do the "dirty work" of confronting HER, avoiding actually having a mature adult discussion of your conflicted emotions (because of course your "timing" in "talking to her about it" was "so bad"), and you will be cut loose from the relationship you are having "doubts" about to pursue the second woman (or yet another woman, given your pattern).
Classic passive-aggressive. Like I said: textbook.
BadDay,
I have struggled with a lot of issues similar to yours in the past. Don't take to heart the rage of the other people posting; I think that your situation triggers some raw issues in them and they are trying to make an example out of you.
It sounds to me like you have some deep-seated reasons for staying in the relationship with your first girl in the first place. I do think it will help a great deal if you sit down with her and talk about where your relationship is headed. If you feel like you want to stay with her but know that your sexual needs will never be fulfilled only with her, talk to her about that, and see if she is willing to be in an open relationship (which means that she can also play around).
The one thing you can't do is just continue to delay the moment that you deal with where you're going. I can hear in your voice, and the way you use the word "selfish" a lot, that you are bothered and feel guilty about what is happening. You need to address it. But don't start by hating yourself, which is the inevitable result of heeding the other posters on here too much. Those of us who have had trouble with fidelity often have complicated pasts that explain it. In my case, for instance, I had difficulty remaining faithful when I was younger because I came from a turbulent family and had a tough childhood. I grew up never being able to count on people standing by me; not only my family members, but also friends in school turned on me a lot and left me alone and sad. So I learned to cope with life by always being "independent" and not depending on any one person for much, as a way of not getting hurt. You may have other things in your past that are like that. Figure them out and fix them.
J
I have struggled with a lot of issues similar to yours in the past. Don't take to heart the rage of the other people posting; I think that your situation triggers some raw issues in them and they are trying to make an example out of you.
It sounds to me like you have some deep-seated reasons for staying in the relationship with your first girl in the first place. I do think it will help a great deal if you sit down with her and talk about where your relationship is headed. If you feel like you want to stay with her but know that your sexual needs will never be fulfilled only with her, talk to her about that, and see if she is willing to be in an open relationship (which means that she can also play around).
The one thing you can't do is just continue to delay the moment that you deal with where you're going. I can hear in your voice, and the way you use the word "selfish" a lot, that you are bothered and feel guilty about what is happening. You need to address it. But don't start by hating yourself, which is the inevitable result of heeding the other posters on here too much. Those of us who have had trouble with fidelity often have complicated pasts that explain it. In my case, for instance, I had difficulty remaining faithful when I was younger because I came from a turbulent family and had a tough childhood. I grew up never being able to count on people standing by me; not only my family members, but also friends in school turned on me a lot and left me alone and sad. So I learned to cope with life by always being "independent" and not depending on any one person for much, as a way of not getting hurt. You may have other things in your past that are like that. Figure them out and fix them.
J
I agree with the other posters that you should break up with her. The thing about serious relationships is sometimes you don't always FEEL in love with someone- sometimes you have to make the daily decision to love them because the feeling will not always be there. Cheating never helps a relationship- do the fair thing and tell her and end it. It may be hard to end something so familiar (7 years is a long time), but re-read your first post... you don't want to be in this relationship anymore. Good luck.
BadDay....yes indeed. well i think you need to come clean to her. if you have been in this long and commited relationship for so long your love has most likely changed. the passion does fade eventually for most people. that's just part of growing up. eventually you have to invent that passion. you chose to find it elsewhere. you seem to thrive on the excitement of something new. and as far as "clicking". that's easy. i meet people on a daily basis that i click with, yet, if you honestly think about the future, and the past as well, did you not click with your girlfriend? where did that go? what makes you think that this girl will be any different? the grass is seldom greener. the problem is, you have already crossed a line. if your girlfriend knew about this would she want to be with you?
if i were her and found out about this i am pretty sure i would despise you for hiding it from me. she will probably feel like a fool for feeling secure while you slept around. but she WILL find out. better it be from you. then, and only then, if she still WANTS to be with you, work on your relationship. get counseling or not. whatever works for you, but be proactive instead of lamenting on how bad it is.
i don't "know you" but you are in a public forum asking advice, keep that in mind when you get offended at what you get. and i can tell you, if you were one of my male friends, i would be a whole lot more harsh than anyone here has been. there is no benefit to sugar coating things, nor trying to make you feel better about cheating one someone you claim to love. if honesty hurts, maybe it's time to grow up. of course they said break up. (most upthreaders) we are looking at it from the other side of the road(women) and know how we would feel in her shoes. be fair and honest with her and yourself.
goodluck
if i were her and found out about this i am pretty sure i would despise you for hiding it from me. she will probably feel like a fool for feeling secure while you slept around. but she WILL find out. better it be from you. then, and only then, if she still WANTS to be with you, work on your relationship. get counseling or not. whatever works for you, but be proactive instead of lamenting on how bad it is.
i don't "know you" but you are in a public forum asking advice, keep that in mind when you get offended at what you get. and i can tell you, if you were one of my male friends, i would be a whole lot more harsh than anyone here has been. there is no benefit to sugar coating things, nor trying to make you feel better about cheating one someone you claim to love. if honesty hurts, maybe it's time to grow up. of course they said break up. (most upthreaders) we are looking at it from the other side of the road(women) and know how we would feel in her shoes. be fair and honest with her and yourself.
goodluck
"Don't take to heart the rage of the other people posting; I think that your situation triggers some raw issues in them and they are trying to make an example out of you."
Damn right! You are talking to a bunch of women, and let me tell you something - seeing how you are preparing (hopefully) to discuss this with women - TAKE A LOOK AT OUR RESPONSES - becauses chances are, the one you will be getting from your girlfriend will not be much different - it will be worse. This is not about making an "example" of you, its about waking you up from a dream that you can continue having your cake and eating it to. I don't know you. You might be an intelligent person with great hobbies, a love of sports, and a sparkling personality, but none of that changes the fact that you are being deceitful to someone you love. Nor does it compensate for doing something that is hurtful to someone who believes in you and your relationship.
I stand by my post, and if you are offended by that it makes me wonder how willing you were to get advice in the first place. Yes, I have been hurt in this way. I have been the girl who believed only to get hurt because I was with a man who put himself first and me last. It doesn't feel good, and when I read your post, I can see clear as day, you know better than what you are doing. As barn babe has told you, you are acting in a very immature, irresponsible, and passive aggressive manner.
If you truly want to make your relationship work, you need to act in a responsible manner and be honest with your girlfriend. This won't be easy, however, at least you are bringing it out on the table and giving her the respect she deserves from you, and the chance to make some decisions in this situation. If she wants to work it out with you, you and her will need to have a lot of serious discussions together. The positive is that you will start growing together as a couple, and can come to an even deeper understanding and love for each other.
Johhny V: I don't know who told you it's like a "get out of jail free card" to say you had a difficult past and this is why you cheated. I think cheating is a selfish behavior. If this sounds like rage, remember (if you ever did) when you shared your behavior with your significant other. I just don't believe there is an excuse for cheating. Break up, tell her how you feel, be open and honest. Why hurt someone who loves you? Who benefits in these situations?
Barnbabe, I agree with you. However, I happen to like some of the self help books (very few of them). I found one on the fear of abandonment and it presents a theory on grieving abandonment - kind of like grieving any loss. It's based on a theory by Elizabeth Kulber-Ross about the 5 stages of Grief. Very interesting, lol, my boyfriend and I are reading together right now as we are prepping for some counseling ourselves.
Relationships are not easy and they take a lot of work. I applaud anyone who is willing to do what it takes to address and work on issues in their relationship. Sometimes we realize we are not perfect, we have destructive patterns, and deficits in areas we hope to change. This does not have to mean closing the door - it might mean opening a window instead.
Damn right! You are talking to a bunch of women, and let me tell you something - seeing how you are preparing (hopefully) to discuss this with women - TAKE A LOOK AT OUR RESPONSES - becauses chances are, the one you will be getting from your girlfriend will not be much different - it will be worse. This is not about making an "example" of you, its about waking you up from a dream that you can continue having your cake and eating it to. I don't know you. You might be an intelligent person with great hobbies, a love of sports, and a sparkling personality, but none of that changes the fact that you are being deceitful to someone you love. Nor does it compensate for doing something that is hurtful to someone who believes in you and your relationship.
I stand by my post, and if you are offended by that it makes me wonder how willing you were to get advice in the first place. Yes, I have been hurt in this way. I have been the girl who believed only to get hurt because I was with a man who put himself first and me last. It doesn't feel good, and when I read your post, I can see clear as day, you know better than what you are doing. As barn babe has told you, you are acting in a very immature, irresponsible, and passive aggressive manner.
If you truly want to make your relationship work, you need to act in a responsible manner and be honest with your girlfriend. This won't be easy, however, at least you are bringing it out on the table and giving her the respect she deserves from you, and the chance to make some decisions in this situation. If she wants to work it out with you, you and her will need to have a lot of serious discussions together. The positive is that you will start growing together as a couple, and can come to an even deeper understanding and love for each other.
Johhny V: I don't know who told you it's like a "get out of jail free card" to say you had a difficult past and this is why you cheated. I think cheating is a selfish behavior. If this sounds like rage, remember (if you ever did) when you shared your behavior with your significant other. I just don't believe there is an excuse for cheating. Break up, tell her how you feel, be open and honest. Why hurt someone who loves you? Who benefits in these situations?
Barnbabe, I agree with you. However, I happen to like some of the self help books (very few of them). I found one on the fear of abandonment and it presents a theory on grieving abandonment - kind of like grieving any loss. It's based on a theory by Elizabeth Kulber-Ross about the 5 stages of Grief. Very interesting, lol, my boyfriend and I are reading together right now as we are prepping for some counseling ourselves.
Relationships are not easy and they take a lot of work. I applaud anyone who is willing to do what it takes to address and work on issues in their relationship. Sometimes we realize we are not perfect, we have destructive patterns, and deficits in areas we hope to change. This does not have to mean closing the door - it might mean opening a window instead.
you come on here and tell us this BS but then!!! you want us to back off because you want to keep her and we dont know you!!!! you need more help than i thought. i wish i knew this poor gal, id tell her myself. you are the "dog" that women refer to. it has nothing to do with anything in ourselves, its the fact that you are a liar, cheater, self absorbed twit that thinks the world owes him something and has no responsiblity for his actions. cant believe you can actually sit here and justify your behaviour. you asked right up there in that title, should and how to end it! well we told you. i am biting my tongue right now! be a man.
C10: JohnnyV, it's not "rage" we are expressing here. At least on my part, it's not. When I read the OP's second post, I just shook my head. HIs denial is running pretty deep. It's all over both of his posts, but the second one especially just drips with it.
Guys like "BadDay" walk among us in droves, JohnnyV. They are out there working out their bad childhoods on unsuspecting women when they should be on a therapist's couch paying for professional help. I dated a few of them myself in my younger days. It's tough not to do if you are a single woman for an extended period of time in our culture. These guys are a dime a dozen, and generally not worth the paper their phone number is printed on.
The problem is that people go into adulthood and relationships with the baggage from their childhood not worked out. In the case of BadDay, he's been involved in a 7-year relationship from the time he was a teenager. Bad news, at least from the standpoint of getting his own psychological house in order. Why? Because relationships can often "distract" us from doing work on ourselves, and if the damage done to us in the past is sufficiently bad, the "right" partner won't be able to overcome that damage with their love and support. I do believe love and support can *help* make some people come to love themselves a little more and help them grow emotionally, but it can't do the heavy lifting that the person himself has to do on his own to undo some of the damage.
At the very least, BadDay has shown us he has neither the communication skill set nor the desire to operate on the level of a mature adult in his relationships - by openly communicating his concerns to his partner. As a result, he has two women along for the ride in his dysfunctional drama, is now suffering the blowback himself (supposedly) with guilt and self-loathing, yet feels paralyzed to change his behavior.
Nope. It's not "rage" I'm feeling. I'm a little bit amused by it all, frankly. Been there, done that, if you know what I mean. Sounds like you have, too. What I don't hear BadDay saying is that he is going to own his behavior and start making changes. I think he came on here looking for sympathy and got thrown for a loop when he didn't get it.
BTW, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there pulling this cr*p on men as well. Since I'm a straight female, I'm coming at this from my own viewpoint. And all I can tell you is, men like BadDay are more common than you think. And that's too bad.
Guys like "BadDay" walk among us in droves, JohnnyV. They are out there working out their bad childhoods on unsuspecting women when they should be on a therapist's couch paying for professional help. I dated a few of them myself in my younger days. It's tough not to do if you are a single woman for an extended period of time in our culture. These guys are a dime a dozen, and generally not worth the paper their phone number is printed on.
The problem is that people go into adulthood and relationships with the baggage from their childhood not worked out. In the case of BadDay, he's been involved in a 7-year relationship from the time he was a teenager. Bad news, at least from the standpoint of getting his own psychological house in order. Why? Because relationships can often "distract" us from doing work on ourselves, and if the damage done to us in the past is sufficiently bad, the "right" partner won't be able to overcome that damage with their love and support. I do believe love and support can *help* make some people come to love themselves a little more and help them grow emotionally, but it can't do the heavy lifting that the person himself has to do on his own to undo some of the damage.
At the very least, BadDay has shown us he has neither the communication skill set nor the desire to operate on the level of a mature adult in his relationships - by openly communicating his concerns to his partner. As a result, he has two women along for the ride in his dysfunctional drama, is now suffering the blowback himself (supposedly) with guilt and self-loathing, yet feels paralyzed to change his behavior.
Nope. It's not "rage" I'm feeling. I'm a little bit amused by it all, frankly. Been there, done that, if you know what I mean. Sounds like you have, too. What I don't hear BadDay saying is that he is going to own his behavior and start making changes. I think he came on here looking for sympathy and got thrown for a loop when he didn't get it.
BTW, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there pulling this cr*p on men as well. Since I'm a straight female, I'm coming at this from my own viewpoint. And all I can tell you is, men like BadDay are more common than you think. And that's too bad.
People, I'm stunned at the responses in this thread. There are an awful lot of bright women around this forum. I'm impressed with the strength I'm seeing here.
Nice work, ladies! :D
Nice work, ladies! :D
i needed that laugh, ***** sisters. with my anxiety flying high today, any small token of humor is so appreciated!!
I just don't go around looking for sex! Please, when you fess up please also let her know it was with a cheap stripper. YOU only wrote about it on the HIV forum. You are pathetic... Please say the truth if you need help.
cheers women!
cheers women!
go to the hiv support (not dr) forum . you have to go back to april 3rd. i remember reading this thinking what a dumb @ss!! dude (you speak that right?) you are a waste of our time. what could you possibly think telling us off they way you did and then we find this? i found it by typing his name under search and there were many, i have to go read the rest now!! i cant stop smiling how you really think you are so above us women lol. hehehhehe
BadDay1972
3/1/2007
. Somebody please help me!
HIV is officially haunting me. I just spent a couple of days in the hospital from pneumonia. My doctor asked me if I had HIV which scared the hell out of me. She asked me several times. I told her I didn't think so. I was tested the next day with a rapid oraquick hiv-1 test and it came back negative. This is a list of my exposures and symptoms prior to that test.
3/3/06 - Unprotected one night stand - vaginal sex with a girl - NEGATIVE HIV-1 test 3 months later7/16/06 - Received Protected oral sex from stripper
9/23/06 - Unprotected Vaginal sex with friend
10/10/06 - Protected vaginal sex with girl i met a few weeks earlier
- I was also diagnosed with prostatitis in january 07.
1/25/07 - made out with stripper
1/26/07 - made out/grinded nude with girl i met night before - no penetrated sex.
mid feb - high fever for 4 days, chills, headache, night sweats, swollen lymph nodes, puss on tonsils, diarreah, vomiting, back pain, sore joints, trouble breathing, sore throat, etc. but no coughing or mucous which are characteristics of pneumonia.
REST OF STORY CONTINUED ON NEXT POST BELOW
The "Comments" posted below are provided by individuals and reflect their personal opinions only. Under NO circumstances should you act on any advice or opinion posted in this forum. ALWAYS check with your personal physician before taking any action regarding your health! Med Help International and our partners, sponsors and affiliates have no obligation to monitor any "Comments
3/1/2007
. Somebody please help me!
HIV is officially haunting me. I just spent a couple of days in the hospital from pneumonia. My doctor asked me if I had HIV which scared the hell out of me. She asked me several times. I told her I didn't think so. I was tested the next day with a rapid oraquick hiv-1 test and it came back negative. This is a list of my exposures and symptoms prior to that test.
3/3/06 - Unprotected one night stand - vaginal sex with a girl - NEGATIVE HIV-1 test 3 months later7/16/06 - Received Protected oral sex from stripper
9/23/06 - Unprotected Vaginal sex with friend
10/10/06 - Protected vaginal sex with girl i met a few weeks earlier
- I was also diagnosed with prostatitis in january 07.
1/25/07 - made out with stripper
1/26/07 - made out/grinded nude with girl i met night before - no penetrated sex.
mid feb - high fever for 4 days, chills, headache, night sweats, swollen lymph nodes, puss on tonsils, diarreah, vomiting, back pain, sore joints, trouble breathing, sore throat, etc. but no coughing or mucous which are characteristics of pneumonia.
REST OF STORY CONTINUED ON NEXT POST BELOW
The "Comments" posted below are provided by individuals and reflect their personal opinions only. Under NO circumstances should you act on any advice or opinion posted in this forum. ALWAYS check with your personal physician before taking any action regarding your health! Med Help International and our partners, sponsors and affiliates have no obligation to monitor any "Comments
I've read all your posts about five times each now. Okay, let me try to get this straight.
-You say you love your gf, but you're not "in love" with her anymore.
-You can't imagine your life without her, but you don't want to marry her.
-You've cheated on her more than once, and she doesn't know.
-You claim this cheating behavior is something you think is out of your control.
-You want to confront her with the truth of what you've done to her.
-You think this other woman you met has the potential to really make you happy.
-You think your gf deserves better than you because she's such a loving and good-hearted person who would never dream of doing anything like this to you.
This is what you've posted.
So here's my advice; forgive me if it doesn't comfort your behavior.
You're using your gf like a toddler uses a security blanket. You don't need her. Your attention is diverted from her and has been for a while. But she's your comfort zone, your convenience.
If you get dumped by someone else, you have her. She's your "backup" girl and she doesn't even know it. You know her more personally than you know anyone else. So she'll be there to stroke your ego for you when you feel guilt or you feel like you've got no chance of having any other long-term relationship. But when it comes down to it, she's your "security blankey," not the love of your life that you think is going to be a lost once-in-a-lifetime opportunity if you break up with her. Let her go, it'll hurt for a while, then you'll move on in a more mature way.
You screwed up, but you want to delay the inevitable consequences of your actions. You can't take them back, so let this be a learning experience.
If you don't tell her, she'll find out sooner or later.
Grow a backbone and tell her the truth. There's no way to sugar coat it. There's no way you can tell her without hurting her more than you already have without her knowledge.
Like I said, if SHE decides to stick with you, which I doubt she will, then consult a relationship councelor. Maybe they could help you "fall back in love again."
In any case, see a regular councelor yourself to get help for your self-hate and loyalty problems. Quit boo-hooing about not knowing what's wrong with you and take some action.
And for future reference, if you ask for advice, be willing to accept it. You asked if and how you should end it, and you also volunteered all your personal gripes about yourself. I can guarantee you you'd get the same reaction anywhere else, because who wants to defend lying, cheating, unloyal, selfish and backstabbing behavior, no matter how pitiful you sound?
-You say you love your gf, but you're not "in love" with her anymore.
-You can't imagine your life without her, but you don't want to marry her.
-You've cheated on her more than once, and she doesn't know.
-You claim this cheating behavior is something you think is out of your control.
-You want to confront her with the truth of what you've done to her.
-You think this other woman you met has the potential to really make you happy.
-You think your gf deserves better than you because she's such a loving and good-hearted person who would never dream of doing anything like this to you.
This is what you've posted.
So here's my advice; forgive me if it doesn't comfort your behavior.
You're using your gf like a toddler uses a security blanket. You don't need her. Your attention is diverted from her and has been for a while. But she's your comfort zone, your convenience.
If you get dumped by someone else, you have her. She's your "backup" girl and she doesn't even know it. You know her more personally than you know anyone else. So she'll be there to stroke your ego for you when you feel guilt or you feel like you've got no chance of having any other long-term relationship. But when it comes down to it, she's your "security blankey," not the love of your life that you think is going to be a lost once-in-a-lifetime opportunity if you break up with her. Let her go, it'll hurt for a while, then you'll move on in a more mature way.
You screwed up, but you want to delay the inevitable consequences of your actions. You can't take them back, so let this be a learning experience.
If you don't tell her, she'll find out sooner or later.
Grow a backbone and tell her the truth. There's no way to sugar coat it. There's no way you can tell her without hurting her more than you already have without her knowledge.
Like I said, if SHE decides to stick with you, which I doubt she will, then consult a relationship councelor. Maybe they could help you "fall back in love again."
In any case, see a regular councelor yourself to get help for your self-hate and loyalty problems. Quit boo-hooing about not knowing what's wrong with you and take some action.
And for future reference, if you ask for advice, be willing to accept it. You asked if and how you should end it, and you also volunteered all your personal gripes about yourself. I can guarantee you you'd get the same reaction anywhere else, because who wants to defend lying, cheating, unloyal, selfish and backstabbing behavior, no matter how pitiful you sound?
there are 3 pages of him all over the boards. you need to keep your dick in your pants, you are possibly opening yourself to disease, but more importantly your girlfriend and any others you screw. do you care? i consider that to be one of the most disgusting things a person can do. you have been so worried for months now about disease yet you keep ******* whoever you want. pardon my french but you are not worthy of anyones attention or love at this point. you need some serious fixing on yourself. you can get as mad at me as you want but this isnt "normal" behaviour. therapy therapy therapy.
Wow, I missed these posts while I was posting my last one!
No pity here, I don't feel at all sorry for this guy.
If his gf is as good as he says she is, she deserves WAY better than this!
No pity here, I don't feel at all sorry for this guy.
If his gf is as good as he says she is, she deserves WAY better than this!
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