Is this just as bad as cheating?

[spanish_kitty2005]

I have been married for 3 years,my daughter is 2.Just like any normal marriage we have an ocasional disagreement or quarrel but nothing major.My husband works for an oil company in Cambodia which he goes away 6 weeks at at a time and home for 3 weeks.He chose this job by his own choice i was not happy on the inside being away for so long but I have been supportive to him.Hes been working for this company now 7 months.He got home on Dec 22 for xmas and untl that day I though we had a great marriage .always sending me emails and texts he couldnt wait to get home to see us he misses us.From the moment he got in through the front door i knew something was out of place.My husband has never been the affectionate type but this time around i just could sense something,he says he was tired from the traveling which he has never complained before. First time the fist day he was back and didint want to have sex with me.I didint think much of it but 1 day passed 2  then 3.Ive always been trusting of him but this time I was getting a suspicious vibe.Ive enever checked his emails or texts well for one is i dont have his password and i wanted to think i trusted him anyways but last week he was checking his emails and he forgot to signout.I really didint want to but because hes been acting so different i couldnt resist i I know it was wrong of me.I was shocked when i saw emails from an x of his named Tracy  they were together a few years and she has 2 daughters that he treated as his own.When we first got together he had told  me about the girls and if i was ok for him to send them bday cards but they he wouldnt have any contact with tracy they were not on good terms. I said ofcourse it was ok if they were like daughters to him.But  that was 4 years ago and he lost contact with them or so I thought.I read his emails he has emails from this Tracy and from one of the daughters whos now a teenager.I couldnt believe when I read one of the emails it said it was nice they got to see him he went to see them aparantly sometime in november behind my back  and the the next email was that hes always anxious to get home to see our daughter but not as happy to me his wife. I was stunned when I read this.I was like a knife through my heart.Not only had he been talking to his x but talking about me in such a bad word and me thinking our marraige was great.I confronted him about it and he got so angry and tried to shift the blame on me for reading his emails.We didint speak to eachother for 2 days  we are slowly  speaking to eachother again . I cannot say if they had a phisical encounter but I feel just as betrayed as if they have I feel I cant trust my husband anymore.And I find it so suspicious the him being away for so long and not interested in sex with me our sex life hasnt been the greatest for a long time  last time he was home we only had sex once  but this time its even worse and thats what making me so suspicious.I just dont know what to do.I know now i cant trust him everytime he goes out the door I think is he visitting her.In one of the emails aparantly she asked him to see what he can do she could see him for xmas and even posiibly our daughter! I tend to think if he is this like this at home what is he like away at work and in cambodia.The day he got home he was saying about some cleaning lady they have where they work how he has our daughters picture as his screensaver and she said how cute she was so he printed it off and gave it to her and he was saying how she had 3 children and knows aparantly knows alot about her I thought this was so strange when he told me all this.Well now I know anything is possible with him.And he still wont apologize.Were those emails just as bad as cheating ?

[treazzure007]

what was there to apologize about?  it's simply that he meant what he said to her.  he would only be sorry that you read it, or found out the way you did -if he was to ever be sorry at all.  

it was a privilege for you to gain access to that info and it's your call to do w/ it what you feel you need to do.  this is a very painful story to read and i'm sorry for your heartache.  what an a**hole  

[SeriousSam]

Please make sure when you start a statement with "the law is.. that you are giving the person advise that matches the correct country?

[RockRose]

Spanishkitty,  don't be quick to put this behind you.  You have EVERY right to read all the emails,  text messages,  postal mail (yes,  even postal mail,  the law is that it has to arrive at the correct HOUSEHOLD,  and then anyone can open it),  PMs,  IMs,  for your husband.  You have every single right to do that,  and if he balks,  it's because he's guilty.  

He's guilty,  he knows it,  so he's trying to accuse you of being wrong by discovering his guilt.  

I do believe that couples can recover from infidelity,  but not when the one spouse says the other doesn't have a right to know what's going on,  and thinks that reading an email is worse than sending that c.rap about not looking forward to seeing my wife.  HELLO,  that's cheating.  That's cheating.  

I don't have a lot of hope this will turn out okay since he isn't even willing to apologize for being a cheater.

[spanish_kitty2005]

Thank you so much for replies and insight.You dont know how helpful its been to read your comments..Yes I have always found an emotional affair is worst than a phisical one as feelings are more intense and personal than a phisical one thats why it hurts so much.I am  willing to put this incident behind us and work on our marriage if he would at least make an attempt in apologizing  and discussing why he even emailed her in the first place but he has said nothing about it since,as if hes done nothing wrong no remorse what so ever he is the biggest non comunicating person I have ever met in my life and as each day its making me more angrier and resentful as if he doesnt need to explain himself or im not good enough for an apology because I read his emails.Funny how easily he can comunicate easily with somebody else but not me. dont know why because I have never closed the doors to him.
I am going to make arangments to see if we can go to a marriage counselor but I am so sure he will decline.If he does I will have to seek counseling for myself .How does he expect me to trust him again everytime I see him on the computer now or hes out for too long I cant help but to think the worst and I cant live like this .

[SeriousSam]

Emotional cheating is to my way of thinking worse, A one night stand is transient.  An emotional affair can be representative of more serious problems... or not.  But either way it involves the transference of affection from one person to another.

What is kind of sad is while your relationship may or may not be fixable, when a relationship is beggining to have problems often men will not say anything due to the fact that they are on good terms with their kids and they find themselves feeling like their children are hosyages regardless of whether that is the case and the problems from their proceed to get worse.

[Agiesmom]

It is definitely a betrayal of trust.  He has done something wrong.  It may have not been having sex with someone else, but he has had contact that he feels is not appropriate or wrong in some way on some level--something he at least knows that you would not be happy about, even if it is innocent from his perspective.

I can understand that he may feel violated if he really isn't cheating (knowing that you are thinking he is), but I would still think he would (at least a day later) be willing to talk about it.

All this said, I've read that men cheat or are unfaithful not for the reasons most think--that it's not about a better body or prettier face...that the most common reason given is the way the other woman makes the man feel (important, loved, appreciated, etc.).  He may have not had sex with Tracy, but he likely feels important to her and her daughters.

Whether he actually had sex with someone else or not, you need to ask him (in a non-threatening way) where his desire lies with regard to your relationship.  If he doesn't have the desire to work through things or the desire to be home more and become closer to you, then you need to know that.

All the best to you.