possesive relationship - is it normal?

Hi,
I am having a serious issue with my 5 year long relationship. We were together for first 2 years, but past 3 years we have been in long distance. We have met a couple of times during these 3 years, other than that we skype or talk on phone on daily basis.

The problem I am facing is due to my girlfriend's over possessiveness. For the past 1 year, she has been in a state where she can not tolerate me going anywhere other than my work, my apartment or talking to her online. She literally freaks out if I will have do anything other than that. She has made some kind of routine for when we should talk everyday. If I should miss one day of a week due to other task, she can not handle it. She has done many stupid acts during such times. She has often spent sleepless night just crying and fallen sick the other day. We have also ended up in few days long fights due to such situations. However, it is fine for her (also me) to skip a session if she has to do something else.

Maybe out of insecurity, she often checks my email and facebook accounts to see what is going on. She does not want me to do anything at all on facebook, until we meet. In addition, if I do not pick phone, even while I am sleeping, she freaks out and accuses me of cheating her. But after she calms down, she does not feel so. I often try to tell her the reality that I have been faithful to her.

I feel very controlled by her, but she says she is doing that because of love and it will be over after we get together. I used to think it will go away soon and we will be normal. I also tried to have conversation with her about it, she kept on postponing it, by few months each time. We could barely have a logical conversation about these problems. Instead, she asked me "can't you quit those small things for me?". Now it has been there for more than a year.

At this point, we are losing all our energy due to this situation. If I do not go anywhere other than work or apartment, she's happy and we look like a happy couple for sometime. But at times I get depressed due to monotonous and unsocial life. On the other hand, if I go out or do some activity (say a visit to a friend's house), she freaks out and we will have to spend another few days fighting and trying to fix it. I have not been able to focus on my work at all. I know she has also been through the same.

Now I am scared if this situation will continue even after we start living together. Currently the only favourable way for us to get together is marriage. Do you think it will end after that? Is it risky to get married at this point? Do you have any idea what could be the reason for this problem?  She says it's due to  distance and it will be resolved only after distance is gone. She says she really loves me and is scared how she will be able to live without me. I love her too, but I feel fully controlled as long as she does not let me act on my free will.

We have good memories of past, hope for good future but a very bad present. I feel suppressed, she feels I dont care about her and thus want to do other stuffs. I'm so confused if we are making a mistake by continuing this relation.

I apologize for making it too long. I would really appreciate any suggestion, view or help.


John

[specialmom]

Hi John.  Well, I do think that long distance relationships 'could' cause 'some' insecurity but this is not what you describe. What you describe is extreme and not healthy.  

In a relationship, whether it is a local one or a long distance one, we have to have our life outside of the relationship.  People need friends, hobbies, etc. that are separate from their partner. I'm married now for many years and yet I have friends I see and things I do on my own.  So does my husband.  

You should not feel like a prisoner to your relationship or held hostage by your girlfriend's emotional outbursts.  Neither is healthy for you.  I would suggest that your girlfriend needs to find a therapist to work with.  She clearly has some anxiety to work through and perhaps of a clinical nature needing treatment.  I would also suggest that when she is working with a therapist that they help her with coping strategies for her anger and volatility.  She manipulates you through her emotions.  This is unfair and somewhat similar to a base level response.  She needs some help.

No, unless she addresses this--------  I do not feel it would get better.  She is basically asking you to forgo any sort of life outside of her.  That is ridiculous.  You should not allow your relationship to keep going like this and take a stand.  And I urge you to believe that this is her problem and not yours.  You sound MORE than reasonable and actually like you have tried to accommodate her to your own detriment.  In other words, you sound like a good guy that has been quite tolerant of bad behavior by your girlfriend.

Again, it sounds to me like she suffers clinical anxiety and needs help with that.  But even if she does not and is simply childish--------  you should not set up a life with this as the norm.  

I do wish you luck.  Peace.

[specialmom]

Hi John.  Well, I do think that long distance relationships 'could' cause 'some' insecurity but this is not what you describe. What you describe is extreme and not healthy.  

In a relationship, whether it is a local one or a long distance one, we have to have our life outside of the relationship.  People need friends, hobbies, etc. that are separate from their partner. I'm married now for many years and yet I have friends I see and things I do on my own.  So does my husband.  

You should not feel like a prisoner to your relationship or held hostage by your girlfriend's emotional outbursts.  Neither is healthy for you.  I would suggest that your girlfriend needs to find a therapist to work with.  She clearly has some anxiety to work through and perhaps of a clinical nature needing treatment.  I would also suggest that when she is working with a therapist that they help her with coping strategies for her anger and volatility.  She manipulates you through her emotions.  This is unfair and somewhat similar to a base level response.  She needs some help.

No, unless she addresses this--------  I do not feel it would get better.  She is basically asking you to forgo any sort of life outside of her.  That is ridiculous.  You should not allow your relationship to keep going like this and take a stand.  And I urge you to believe that this is her problem and not yours.  You sound MORE than reasonable and actually like you have tried to accommodate her to your own detriment.  In other words, you sound like a good guy that has been quite tolerant of bad behavior by your girlfriend.

Again, it sounds to me like she suffers clinical anxiety and needs help with that.  But even if she does not and is simply childish--------  you should not set up a life with this as the norm.  

I do wish you luck.  Peace.

[Ashelen]

I agree completely with specialmom.

This is extreme, and not likely to get better without intervention.

[AnnieBrooke]

If a man was doing this to a woman, all the checking up and causing her to stay home and never have friends, this would be called over-controlling behavior that is a huge red flag that there will be spouse abuse in the future.  Maybe deeply insecure women don't escalate to hitting their husbands the way deeply insecure men often escalate to hitting their wives, but her over-possessiveness and manipulative behavior is certainly far out of the norm, and marriage won't cure it.  She will be just as insecure as she was before, and will demand to know where you are every moment.  It would be a horrible situation for you, and heaven knows what will happen if you two have children.  I would tell her it is over, unless she gets some serious therapy.

[Auspiciousme]

Red flag all the way...run!  Sorry!  My personal experience...Best of luck.

[RockRose]

This won't get better.  She needs help.  I wouldn't even be with her if she's trying to "address" this.  

Life is best if you really try to find the best partner you can attract.  She sounds like a complete mistake.  

[john_hlp]

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I was trying to adjust while waiting for her to be ready for a good conversation on the problem. But it never came.
I am quite convinced now that she has anxiety and that needs to be solved.
I will try my best to get that message to her. I hope she will be able to understand.
I was so scared to end this relation thinking I will hurt her and myself. But it looks like I must take that step. I will take my stand.

[john_hlp]

I feel like I must believe it now. Past efforts from my side never worked, they rather worsened things. Thanks.

[john_hlp]

Once I also thought of a situation after having children. I was scared if we would be fighting while kids were crying. I have decide now, it's over. Thanks for your suggestions.

[john_hlp]

It's sad but I'm running away now. I have started to have a mixed feeling of sorrow and relief.

[john_hlp]

Sad part is she never shared our problem with anyone other than me, though I often suggested to do so. Yes, she needs help, I will try to see if I can get this message through someone else. My words will not convince her, I know.

[Londres70]

Unfortunately, as everyone has said, she is having some issues with anxiety and separation from you.  She says this will "get better" when you all get together, but I can't agree with that.  

She has obviously had some problems in the past with trust and cheating that she has not dealt with; my opinion.  None of this happened in your relationship?  Did it?  There is a story behind all this; I can garantee you that.  Usually there is.

Do you know if she has ever had therapy or is she willing to go to therapy?  

She definitely does NOT need to been in a relationship with anyone until she resolves this.  The first step is you walking away and letting her deal with this.  I wouldn't call it "controlling" behavior per se but she is trying to control her anxiety by having you do "this and that."  Something happened to her in the past to cause this, but this behavior is definitely NOT normal or healthy for you.  

[john_hlp]

She used to talk about family problems she had faced in past. That might have triggered this anxiety at first.
She hasn't had any therapy yet and she still has not realized that she needs it. But each time she was anxious, she wanted me to calm her down, even when she looked at me as the problem source.
By reading all the comments here, I strongly feel that she badly needs therapy. She is good by heart, but the problem is doing bad to her.
I am of walking out of this relationship. But I think I will need to maintain a light communication with her until she can be able to handle separation. Otherwise it might be very painful for her. Can that be risky for any of us? Will that remind her of our past instead and make it difficult to end the relation?

[Londres70]

You can try the "light" communication with her first and see how that works.  Sounds like you really care about her and it is a shame this is happening.  I am not sure how that will go.  Just tread lightly.  Yes this is risky because you are dealing with a woman with some serious issues who doesn't realize she has issues.  

Just try to slowly back out and see how that goes.  You definitely can't continue to live this way.  

[AnnieBrooke]

I am not sure that there is a way to slowly or lightly back out of a relationship, john_hip.  All it does is make an anxious person more anxious, as they notice the lack of involvement or interest from the other side and cannot figure out why it is happening, especially if the other person denies anything has changed.  I would send her a short, simple message, saying you have not met anyone else and are not cheating, but you cannot take her possessiveness and anxiety any more and are breaking it off permanently.  Don't string her along, it really will just make her more desperate and crazy.

[brice1967]

If you've done nothing wrong to warrant this woman's hyper-vigilance, I am not for sure what she is trying to accomplish.  It would be far different if you were a cheater or had cheated... then she does kind of have a right to check up on you.  

On the same token, you do have a right to live a life.  She can be very much a part of it, but she cannot be in every part of it.  It just cannot happen...impossible!  You have to have something that is you own, as does she.  Absolutely it is a wonderful thing to share a hobby or something, but each of you needs a bit of time outside of the relationship.

If her over possessiveness is too much for you, do the right thing and let her know.  I'd suggest a little sit down talk and find out where she is coming from.  Simply ask her, "what have I done that makes you want to check up on me all day every day?"  Ask her all of the hard questions.... find out about her past and how she is connecting this to today.  

This can be over bearing and if it is unwarranted, it can be a deal breaker.  

[vix8]

hey, i used to be controlling like your girlfriend. it is an insecurity thing. in the past i was cheated on for 2 years straight while being fully aware of it. something must have happened for your girlfriend to have these certain trust issues. depending on how she was brought up in her childhood, how she interacted with people at school, will depend on if she will change her attitude towards possession.

for example, i was brought up in a stable home home, a sister, and two loving, caring parents, not spoiled, but not neglected. i grew up with a great childhood, and when high school came along i was judged for being different, and rumors were spread, that was only the beginning of my trust issues. and the person who helped me get through that was the man who cheated on me for 2 years. then i developed major trust issues. after leaving him, i turned to hardcore partying with drugs, which developed anxiety issues as well as trust issues. it had effected my new relationship, but he remained truthful to me, which is all i cared about, and i am better now and i have learned to trust again.

so depending on how your girlfriends life went, will depend on if she can trust again. if she was brought up in an anxious childhood, goodluck.

[john_hlp]

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions.

I told her this relation is over a few days ago, but now she says she has changed. She was struggling with the feeling of breakup for a few days and after that she said she has realized how immature she was acting. She seems to sound like understanding me. And she is trying to remind me of our good times and is feeling very sorry for the wrong things that happened due to her possessive behavior.

Can this change in her be permanent? Because of what happened between us, I have lost good part of my feelings. But, she is pleading me to see the positive side and wants us to try to fix it. Does that sound like a good direction?

[brice1967]

John, only you can make that decision.  What you need to do is take a real good inventory of the entire relationship.  You need to be honest with yourself while doing this and evaluate everything... the good, the bad, and the indifferent.

I then think you need to look at your feelings right now.  With everything that has happened, you've said that you've lost feelings.  Are those feelings recoverable, and if so is the recovered feelings permanent?  (We'd never know if they are permanent, nor can we know if her changes are permanent.)  One can hope that change is permanent.  Even the strongest of wills has a breaking point John.

I think it's more than noble to fight the good fight and to keep battling for what is right and what one wants.  You just have to decide if you have "one more" in you and whether it is worth fighting for after all this time.  

Good luck to you

[Londres70]

Will have to agree with brice1967.  

It is hard to say if her "change" will last or if the "good part" of your feelings will return.  

If you are going to stay with her, I would convince her to see a therapist as it is apparent she has separation anxiety issues.  

[AnnieBrooke]

A person can't go from being half-crazy and possessive, to simply "changing" and "seeing how immature she was being" and then everything is all OK, in only a few days.  She was out of control, and only some good therapy will solve it for the long term.  I frankly would bow out of this drama.  There are a whole lot of other good women in the world, and easier to love and live with, too.  Good luck, whatever you decide.