Issues so suddenly

[Sunny8710]

I've been married a little over a year. We've had some serious issues come up. My husband has been unfaithful (I would rather leave out the details). We're in our mid 20's, we're both health fanatics, we maintain a great appearance... But I'm afraid he's bored with me already. He has an addictive personality so he's hooked to everything...except me. Thats what hurts me most. Thing is I have all this energy I could climb mountains, run marathons, swim across Utah Lake; however he doesn't really mind me. Some times I have to beg him to hang out with me. It even takes me being a total B*tch to him for him to finally put crap down to notice I'm upset. We go to marriage counseling, but it seems it only helps his other issues. I feel empty at home and I don't feel adored or appreciated. How do I make my husband fall in love with me again? How does he go crazy about me like he did before we were married? How do I get him to notice me? Can this even be fixed?  I dress frumpy, I look the same as I did we were dating (weight wise), I keep in mind what he mentions is appealing... I'm all out of solutions and I'm running outta steam.

[Kayannaboo]

I just wanted to comment on something specialmom said about separating and not dating anyone during that period but working to be the best you can. That is good advice...Ive been there. Take some time to know yourself, know what you like and dislike, what you want and do not want and being as dependent on you as much as you can. If we count on others to make us happy we will never get there. Happiness has to do with you and how you feel about yourself. How you deal with your struggles (accepting that they are apart of your life but still knowing you will survive etc..) No one should make you feel the way you do now but it's up to you to change that by knowing you deserve better.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  What hurts in reading your post is how hard you are trying to please him.  You are absolutely right------- we should be with someone who adores and cherishes us.  It should especially be like that in the begining.  Marriage is tough and things like desire can have ups and downs-----  but loving who your partner is beyond just the physical is what keeps us working on things.  

You shouldn't have to feel like you are uninteresting to your husband.  I remember feeling that way with a boyfriend once and it was a desperate feeling.  I was so insecure with that guy and frankly, it was horrible.  Lordy, I wouldn't want to spend my whole life feeling that way.

I believe in marriage as a committment that should last.  But you are a young woman without kids, you've tried marriage counseling and things are not improving--------  maybe seperating would be an option that would provide him time to think about life without you and you time to see what you have to offer the rest of the world.  I'd NOT date anyone during that time but work on being the best you that you can be.  

If infidelity was recent, this can play with our mind.  It takes a long time to get over that.  But you sound like you are just working so hard and that makes me hurt for you.  You should feel loved by the man who said he'd marry you and be with you and LOVE and HONOR you.  good luck

[Kayannaboo]

It's too bad that your husband is being so unfair after just a year, but the question "to divorce or not to divorce" is up to you. If it is one thing that I have learnt it's that highlighting the bad doesn't mean that there is no good in a particular situation or person. You said he was crazy over you when you both got married but now it is like he has lost all sparks for you. Do YOU think you can get that back? do you think he still loves you? Do you think it is worth it to stay? One thing I can tell you, is not to sell yourself short...so many women have sat with undeserving men and then they look back and see that they're years have been wasted.

You two go to marriage counseling but it seems like it has only helped him in his personal development, do you think YOU have any PERSONAL development that you need to sort through? I say this because at times we are barriers to our happiness, we need internal assistance for ourselves.

If you feel the marriage is not going to work no matter not, please do not waste your time and energy. You are young and there are men out there who will actually appreciate, love and care for you without you moving mountains and acting like a b*tch for it.

I hope it all works out for you dear. Take care and remember you are beautiful and deserving of much more than you settle for but it will only be true if you believe it. Never let someone make you feel empty on the inside, life is full of too much for that.

Anna~

[brice1967]

I'll try to be a bit more optimistic than the other posters.  One thing you said about counseling is that it is helping his "other" issues.  I can speak from a bit of experience, addressing his personal issue may be more on the right track than you think.

In order to move past anything successfully, we have to first realize what the problem is, embrace it and realize that it is in the past and cannot be changed, then work on any behavior that may have caused the problem in the first place.  For the majority of people, if they are not satisfied with themselves, they are generally dissatisfied with everything else.

Ultimately, this really does lie on your shoulders but it is important to know that we are never in charge of others.  WE can not control others.  The choice to continue to work or move on is all yours.

[Londres70]

Sorry, but since you all have had so many problems from the beginning this marriage is not going to work in my opinion.  

This marriage is making do and say things that you shouldn't have to.  

Move on.  Thank godness there is no children in the mix.  

[perch101]

The thing is.... one year into marriage you should still be in honeymoon phase or just coming out of it. You are still young enough that you can find someone that you are more compatible with, and that finds you appealing, and that you don't have to beg for attention from...

You don't want to spend the rest of your life like this, and he's already cheated so your probably constantly looking out for this to happen again... you know he has it in him to be a cheater....

If I were your situation, in my mid 20's I would divorce and find someone new who you don't have these issues with.... you are still young and unfortunately these situations only get worse with time...

I wish you luck... it will be hard.... but you can have a relationship where you don't have to beg for his time and attention.

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't know why he married, if he was going to have so little interest in being married.  I assume you were married in the Mormon church?  Even so, since he went into it with bad faith (or at least quit on his promises very quickly) I would feel completely justified ending it.  He is not holding up his end of the promise, and that means there is no agreement.  You don't have to feel obliged to hold up your part of a nonexistent contract.

[RockRose]

You've only been married a year,  and he's totally disinterested.  It's time to call it quits before you get pregnant.  I kept praying I'd get to the end of your post before you said "and now I'm pregnant".

If you aren't, it's time to call it quits.