OT: Please read, I've exhausted all other options known.

[DLA]

As most of you know, I developed Graves' disease immediately after my little boy was born 7 1/2 yrs ago.  My thyroid battle has been a roller coaster of a ride ever since.  We were planning on having another child after my RAI, but unfortunately only recently has my thyroid been back normal enough for that.  Now I am trying to gear up for a hysterectomy that I have to have.  This has been a very hard thing for me.  But not nearly as hard as it has been on my little boy.

Tonight he was crying again b/c he hates being an only child.  It is sooo hard on him to see all of his cousins and friends with siblings and he is all alone.  They talk about going outside and playing and such and all he has is a sick mother.

For several years now we have been trying to find ways to adopt.  All but one way we have found was entirely too expensive for us even to consider.  We tried to go through the DHS here in Oklahoma, but it is darn near impossible.  And any child we get would most likely be older than our son, and of course these poor children come with many problems, so we don't want one that is older and can harm our child who is already here.  The other cons to this were so numerous that we had to give up all hope of this idea.

We tried going through the Choctaw Nation here b/c my husband has a roll number and found out that they no longer do this, they have turned it all over to DHS.  

I have looked into all the adoption info I can find and all agencies I can locate, but have not been able to come up with anything.  Recently I found out that my cousin's friend in KC, MO had a baby and gave him up for adoption no questions asked.  We never had any idea.

We are a family with lots of love to give and a stable home to share, but I have no where else to turn.
So tonight when my little boy started crying about it again I thought of all of you and thought possibly someone would know of something to help us.

We are not trying to adopt a baby persay, not a specific gender, and would take a child of another race.

If any one of you can help me at all it would be so greatly appreciated, but if not, I do understand.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Dac  

[GravesLady]

All adoptions are so expensive.  My niece and her husband adopted a little 18 month old girl from Russia, she is now 7 and we just love her to death. But you have to go over to Russia several time during the adoption.  They even make you stay with a Russian family while all is going on. Then even to court over their.  Don't know how much this all coast, but I am glad they had the money to adopt. I still cry thinking about the circumstance that her real parent had to give her up when she was between 3 to 6 months old. And I still cry what she went through in the orphanage, they don't call it orphanage over there, even at 18 month old.  And I cry that she was adopted and given such good opportunity to live a healthy happy life here in the US and with our family.  If you can adopt a foreign child, it would be wonderful for all.  Such great rewards and great feelings. This little child brings a smile to my heart.
My niece did a lot of internet searching too, but I don't know much more.
I wish you and your family luck and success and I will say a little prayer tonight.

[At The End of My Rope]

I certianly feel your pain, I was 22 yrs old had to have a hystercomy due to precancer. I can tell you sometimes private adoption is easier that is how my sister got both her sons' one at birth and the other at 5 yrs old. It is very expensive but do not give up hope. I know my mother is from Oklahoma and I'm from KS. try a place called Catholic Charties they do a lot of adoption. Also, try big brothers and big sister programs just for someone for your son to be involved with from time to time. You can also check I know Oklahoma has this as when I was married the first time I lived in Chandler, OK and we got a little boy for several times from one of the boy homes in Oklahoma City, I believe or it might have been in the area of Shawnee, cannot remember that has been so long ago. Post a AD in the local paper loving family looking to adopt a child. people do this all the time. I hope this helps out, I will ask my sister how to go about some of the private adoptions. she has been there for sure. they are now 25 and 22 yrs and she has wonderful grandchildren, they always knew they were adopted and that was what made them special. Good Luck!!! Pam

[kitcurious]

Here comes the devil's advocate. Forgive me.

It is sad that your child was sad, but you don't want to launch into a permanenetly life-altering decision based on that. Having been an only child, I can say for a fact that there are many advantages to consider from it.

When very small, I used to sometimes envy my cousins a bit as well
( but not that much).   I wouldn't go back now and have a sibling for the world because, as an adult, I see how my cousins and friends with siblings actually relate to one another and all the baggage they have between them. This baggage indicates that childhood was no picnic between them.

Also, many birth order studies equate a child with a sibling more than 5 years older than themselves as basically being an only child. If you adopt a very young child, and it will take a while to  do that,  your child will continue to get older, they will not be contemporaries.

You are young. Take time to recover completely before you consider this further. Adoption is always an option, but ideal, physically and emotionally intact, children ( meaning  a healthy baby) will  be less available and I have known older children adopted from this nation, other nations, including the former USSR, who have problems that could diminish the quality of life for your son. Some have taxing behavorial problems ( I have worked in school health for the health dept.) and the adoptive parents went through legal hoops and financial deprivation to get them without knowing about these issues beforehand.

Take your time, study the situation and don't make a decision based on an emotional response.
How is your health? How do YOU feel about taking on a mysterious person that is a complete responsibility to you when you are ill? This matters most .

[redhed87]

My daughter is an only child- she is 10.  She used to ask me all of the time about having a sister- not a brother (like we have a choice).  Now she knows she has it made.  I tried to conceive for many years with no luck or explanation.  I wanted to pursue infertility treatments, but financially it would have wiped us out.  My husband finally said to me "why is it not okay to just have one child?  We need to be happy and greatful for what we have."  I finally agreed and looked at the blessing that I have.  She is a wonderful child.  My best friend could not conceive at all due to PCOS and went through many years of he!! with infertility treatments.  She finally adopted and has an amazing little girl.  She will be her only child and she is thankful everyday for her.  I make sure I surround my daughter with tons of family- she is very close to her cousins, they're like sisters and she has friends over all of the time.  I can't say that it doesn't break my heart, but she has a great life.  YOur son is lucky to have his mommy and you want to be a healthy mommy so you can see him grow up.

[DLA]

GL--Your great-niece is one lucky little girl.  I know about the so called orphanages over there, she is so lucky to be with a loving family in the US.  My Gran'ma was given up for adoption when she was 8.  I don't remember how many siblings she had, 8 I think, but they were all given up by my great grandmother b/c she was trying to raise them in NYC about 1920.  I have thought about her so many times and what she must have gone through.  I cannot fathom how much strength she had to do that.

My cousin and his wife just adopted a little girl from Ethiopia.  As soon as they found out they were getting her his wife found out she was pregnant.  They got them about a wk apart and they were both about the same size, but 7 months difference in age.  The poor little thing, she was so malnourished even being in an orphanage.  The cost for adopting was outrageous.  Oh, and the fact that she got pregnant, they couldn't be happier that they had already adopted.  My cousin and his brother were both adopted when they were little.

Thank you so much for the prayer.  Can always use all of the prayers I can get.

Pam--Thank you for all your insight into this.  You can't adopt through Catholic Charities unless you're Catholic, which we are not, I already checked.  Unfortunately we don't live near enough any place to have a boys' and girls' club or any thing.

I'm sorry for you and your husband.  That would be a very hard thing to deal with at such a young age especially.  It always sounds like you and your husband have such a wonderful relationship.  He sounds like a very caring and fun husband, you are so lucky to have each other.

kitcurious--thank you for your insight, too.  This is not a sudden decision for me and my husband.  Even before we knew we couldn't have any more children, we wanted to adopt.  As you can see I have a long family history of adoption and I think it is such an amazing thing.  We have actually been trying to find a way to adopt for about 5 years now.  We never started out looking for a baby and we're still not.  I do think that growing up with so many adopted into my family I have a lot of insight into it that would be very useful for bringing a child into our family.  We know how much most of these children have been through.

Am now on the path to getting healthy, all my ducks and drs in a row.  As I can finally see that light at the end of the tunnel.  And unfortunately my husband and I aren't that young.  My husband is quite a bit older than me, not too old, but older.

Dac  

[zaksmom]

I agree with redhed87.  My son is an only child, will be turning 14 this fall.  There are many times I wish we could've had more children, but it is also a blessing to have just him.  We do everything together as a family, he is surrounded by a variety of individuals -- adults and children.  He is well rounded, and will adapt into the surroundings.  Meaning, if he's with just kids, he loves to hang out and be a "kid", or other example, if he's getting ready for a hunting or fishing trip with his dad (and dad's friends) - he is like a miniature adult, and my husbands friends truely consider our son and a "friend" too.  2 of my sisters have children, each of them have at least one severly handicapped children.  I would love any child - but I feel blessed that I have a happy and more importantly, healthy, child.  There are definate positive benefits to having an only child - try not to dwell on the negative side!  There are many, many couples who would love a child that are unable to have even one, you are a lucky woman!

[DLA]

Kim and zaksmom--I know how truly blessed I am to have my son, and I do know people who are not able to have any at all of course.  My son does live next to 2 of his cousins and is very close to them, my nephew is his best friend and they are almost exactly one year apart.  My husband and I always wanted more children and adopting was something we had planned on doing even before we knew we couldn't have any more.  One time we were fairly close to being able to adopt when it all fell through.

Am doing a little better with this today and trying to remember that God ultimately has a plan for us, and we just have to wait and see what it is.

Thank you both.  Dac

[zaksmom]

Isn't it ridiculous how much it costs to give a child a good home, when there are so many just waiting for it?  My husband was adopted.  His birth mother gave him up right at delivery, from hospital he went to orphanage.  When his adopted parents got him he was only 4 months old.  He is only 35 now - but at that time it was so "cheap" to adopt.  They got him from Catholic Social Services (even though they were/are not catholic) for $12!!!!!  All they had to pay was the filing fee for a new birth certificate!  2 years later they adopted a baby girl from south korea, she too was about 4 or 5 months old when they got her.  Including airfare, nursing transport from korea to the states, they paid $2,000!!!  My how things change in a couple of decades!  Now it is easy to spend $20-50,000 for a child - yet they say it is illegal to "sell" a child.  Isn't that what the adoption agencies are doing?  Sure would seem that they profit from it.

Adoption can be a great experience for both the parents and the child.  We have even met his birth mother and her children (actually spend a great deal of time with them now).   Are you affiliated with any church organization?  I've heard of some that will have a "benefit" for a family looking to adopt, and help them raise the monies to do so.  Pray about it, if it's meant to be, you'll find a way.

[scarlet37]

I can't offer any advice or any information only a prayer that you recieve the gifts you wish.

   ~ prayers for you ~

    teresa

[kitcurious]

Ahhhhh. I had the wrong impression. I got the impression your son's sadness was leading you and I wanted to say "By the time you actually have custody of  the new child he may have moved on to another stage."  When I was around first grade I wanted a baby brother in the worst way. Asked for it all the time. By the time I was in 4th or 5th  grade or so, I knew I had really lucked out.

So it really has to be about what you want for your family first and foremost.
And it is, because you and you husband  have wanted this for yourselves for a long time.

Older chidren in the US are abundant. You may want to try a foster situation with the possibiility of adoption and see how your son and the new child adjust.  I know the proverbial "they" don't always like to go from foster to adoption, but it happens. There are some sweet kids in the system and they have been through a lot, yes.

There's a difference between adopted kids in the past and now. In the past it was  most often because of a legitimacy issue or death of the parents. Now legitimacy isn't a factor so people being given up are often from truly horrific backgrounds that include substance abusing and violent homes they were removed from etc..


Still, children in impoverished, politcally unstable, famine and war torn areas have been through just as terrible, if not much worse, situations.

There's no guarantee that simply because a child isn't from an American facility they will be a great adoption. I knew one adopted boy from the old Eastern bloc ( Ukraine?) who broke one of his siblings fingers and was on several medications. He isn't a bad person,  he's sweet, but he was born with some tendencies that required medication.

What I am saying with all that rambling is that there are many great kids both here and overseas and yes, there are some  kids that could really disrupt your lives both here and overseas.

You may want to keep your eye out for any younger children that pop up on your local agency's pages and enquire about them fast.


I wish you luck in your quest.

[DLA]

scarlet--thank you so much for the prayers!  God has blessed me so to have found this forum!

zaksmom--my cousin spent over $30,000 adopting their daughter from Ethiopia!!!!  Obviously the money goes the same place there it does here, politicians pockets, b/c the orphanage was horrendous.  When my aunt and uncle adopted their boys the oldest  one cost about $100 in court costs and the youngest about $200 for court costs.  They were both from good orphanages in Kansas.  My grandmother was "sold" on a stage in about 1920 in Kansas.  She was one of the last kids to ride the orphange trains from NYC to the plains.  They didn't even actually adopt her then.  Auctioned them off like they did slaves.  Horrible injustice for any human being.  Lots of the children were treated as slave labor, but she was one of the lucky ones and got a good home.  There is a book called "Searching For Home" by Pat and Chris Vogt that my Gran'ma's story is in.

Yeah, I'm rambling.  Unfortunately my husband and I are not wealthy people, so there aren't many options for us.

kitcurious--Unfortunately we have tried to go into the foster care service in Oklahoma which have an adoption agency.  But in this state they make it impossible for any one to adopt these poor children.  They are in such bad need of homes and love, but thanks to the Department of Human Services in Oklahoma they don't stand much of a chance.  I really hate it.  We were so set to go that route and thought we would take 2 siblings, which of course are harder for them to adopt out.  As I said my husband also has an indian roll number which puts you on top of the list b/c well, it is Oklahoma and indian children can only go to indian homes.  But they care absolutely nothing about your children already at home.  They can also come and take them out of your home at any time within this year.  If we have a child in our home and love this child, then they decide something's not right or they found a who they consider to be a better family they can just take them.  We could not deal with this and don't think you should have to unless there are some really bad reason.  Rambling again, I know, but this subject really boils my blood.  It was a horrible blow to my husband and I when this fell through.  Took us a long time to recover from it, but first you have to consider your child at home and their well being before you bring another child in.

[kitcurious]

I am very sorry to hear about it falling through. Of course your child at home comes first in all this.
It seems you live in a state that really makes it difficult for potential parents and the kids as well.  I'd be very upset too.
These children are people, not tokens in a game of some sort. Appparently the people in charge of the DHS in OK haven't understood this very well.

I have friends who have adopted directly from birth mothers. Open adoptions seem to be common now ...

My husband deals with refugees in his work. He says he knows people who hahve managed international adoptions and they were not rich people. I'll nag him for more info.

[At The End of My Rope]

Thank you for your kind words...do not give up hope there are children out there that need a loving family like it sounds you and your family could provide. There is hope just stay focused. Yes, this was a big issue for me with my husband now, as I wanted a child of my own so badly, but I have been so BLESSED with several nephews and one neice that I just love to death and my family has made sure I have been able to enjoy them often, my young sister let me be in the delivery room with her and carry my nephew to the nursey...awwwwwwwww now he is 18 yrs old and graduated this year...still my baby..lol...and now my husband of two years had a daughter that was 7 yrs old when we got married and now she is 9 yrs old and we are very close it is hard from time to time, because she lives with her mom, but she knows I'm here for her as well.. I wish you all the luck in the world. I have to agree wtih Kitcurious open adoption is very common these days. I also know from experience the way of the world in Okla, and KS....very difficult....I will continue to pray for you..
Take Care-Pam

[SuzieQTT]

I have a situation that happened today and I wanted to tell you all about it.  We had a woman come in to the salon today with her daughter, about 13years old and a son, about 4.  While another student was cutting her daughter's hair in another part of the shop the woman stayed with her son while he got his hair cut.  I don't know how many of you have had a chance to experience watching a child get their hair cut but believe me a lot of times it is like a coin toss as to whether it will be quick and painless or take forever and have you pulling your hair out by the time you are done.  This little boy was a sweetie and the only thing that he did that might have even remotely caused a problem was put his feet up on the station/counter and try to spin the chair.  To tell you the truth we do this when we don't have clients...try to see who can go around the most times without getting sick ( I know, we are kinda warped!)  But seriously when he did this...His mother drew back her arm and before we could even blink, whacked him in the face and ear!.  It popped so loud that the people in the other rooms heard it and the instructors came running because they thought he had fallen.  We were all so stunned and frozen in place for a split second.  The student that was cutting his hair is the mother of a 7 month old and immediately put her shears and comb down walked over and clocked out at the time clock then proceeded to burst into tears.  She turned to the mother and told her not to ever do that again...the mother replied that he was used to it!!!!  How horrible is that!  The instructor told the mother that she would have to come back to the waiting area while someone finished the hair cut.  She did but you could tell she didn't like it.  We decided to call the police.  They came and did a report, told the woman that CPS would be in touch...(she said that they are already familiar with her and her family!!!   Besides I thought that if there were marks on someone that the other party would immediately be taken to jail but I guess I was wrong...the police officer stated that he didn't see a mark on him!  I saw the mark on the side of his face from across the room and through reflections in the mirror.  Unfortunately the officer was about 30minutes away from finishing his shift and I believe he didn't want to deal with a prisoner and paperwork.  I used to work at a 911 center and know this officers police chief and intend on giving him a call tomorrow just to make sure a report was filed.  One of the girls there said that we really screwed up now because the mother would probably go home and take it out on the child anyway and that we shouldn't have called the police.  I said that we have an obligation to report this...because if we don't say that this is wrong and act on it...this child will think he is not important enough to watch and hear and help.

Anyway, My point of this "Rant" was to say that if biological parents had to go through the same process that adoptive parents do before they are allowed to have children then there would be a lot less abuse like this in the world.  Why is it that people who are good loving people and would be great parents can't be...and others who should never be parents...can be so easily!
DLA: My heart hurts for you and all those children out there...whose lives would be so enriched by having someone like you in their lives.
Suzie

[At The End of My Rope]

This really make me SICK>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. Let's hit on that mother for a while.......o'my I'm so mad right now...i cannot believe people treat children this way..i'm very proud of you all for calling the police. People need to know this is not going to be ignored anymore...

[DLA]

It is so awful that just anyone can have kids, isn't it?  My heart breaks for those poor children.  I use to witness things like that all the time here when I waited tables and would call and call DHS about them and they would do nothing!!!  Even though an entire restaurant of peole saw it.  Now if I called the police here and told them my husband hit me or vise versa he would be taken into custody no questions asked.  I happened to know a guy who's girl friend did this just to get even with him, then when the cops got there told them she had lied.  He went to jail anyway.  But the children the US don't have any rights.  It absolutely breaks my heart!!

Thank you for the kind words.  And I'm sure if that little boy could he would have thanked you all for standing up for him.

Dac

[DLA]

Thank you!

[kitcurious]

That's just dreadful !! Poor kid.
The bottom line is that some people are bullies and cowards.
I just read a book by Sherman Alexie called "Flight" about an orphan child that had been through a nightmare of a life. There are abusers who have custody of children (natural and non) and you guys did the right thing to call the police.
Who was it who said you can judge a society by how they treat the very young and the very old?
Ours isn't looking too good by that measure.

[Nodules38]

Dear DLA,
I'm sorry to hear about you and your family. I wish I could do a lot more then this but the only thing that comes to mind is write Dr. Phil. It might sound stupid to you but he has helped and still does a lot of people. I know that they have a network where they help families adopt even if they don't have a lot of money.
I think it's worth a try. I hope for your little boy (and of course you) that he soon will become a Big Brother.

[DLA]

Thank you so much for your help, I greatly appreciate it.

Did go into Dr. Phil's website and it is mainly going through foster care, which didn't work for us, so will have to keep trying.

Dac

[JoBa]

I also have only one child, but in my case it was pretty much by choice. My pregnancy was so awful that neither my husband or I wanted to go through that again.  Plus, we are both working professionals and felt that one child was all our lifestyle could support.  When my son was young, he used to beg me for a little brother.  It was heartbreaking.  But, by the time he reached his teens, he was not only comfortable with being an only child, but he actually preferred it.  I used to threaten him with a brother or sister if he didn't do what I asked and he was horrified at the thought (Ok, so I'm a bad mom, but it was so funny to hear him say "Mom, you know how much I value my privacy".)  He is now 21 and the most laid back, well-adjusted young man you could hope to meet.  My point is that you can be an only child and turn out ok.

That being said, if another child is what you want, then by all means consider adoption.  One of my employees has adopted two children, both girls from China (because of the culture there most of the adoptable children are girls).  I don't know anything about the expense, but those girls are adorable and their parents couldn't be happier.  I am aware that children from some countries frequently have health problems due to the poor living conditions, so you need to consider how if you are able to deal with a child that may have physical or mental problems.  One of my friends adopted a child from Korea knowing that he had brittle bone disease, but she is a genetic counselor and knew what she was getting into (the boy is now in college and has had more than 100 broken bones).  You also need to check the credentials of the adoption agency and make sure that they are reputable.  I could check with my employee on what agency he used, but we are in Minnesota so I don't know that it would be all that helpful.  But maybe he could provide some useful tips.  He's on vacation now, but I can ask him next week.

Good luck to you whatever you end up deciding to do.

[dart frog]

Its an ugly world out there for kids. We knew a little boy in the neighborhood whos parents drank. The dad would get abusive a lot. The child would spend a lot of time at our house to get away from things at home. Over the years it became worse and hubby and I even talked about trying to find a way to "run away" with him. If it wasnt for fear we would lose our own child we would be long gone. I complain endlessly to the school and to the police .....nobody really cared.
12 years ago last May his father killed his mother while she slept. We tried getting ahold of him then but a distant Aunt wanted him to live with her. She kept him out of our reach. We lost track of him when she decided she didnt want him anymore. A couple years later we "heard" he was in a foster home with loving parents and we decided then it was best if we let him go. We were afraid that if he saw us he would be reminded of the bad times instead of all the good. He's an adult now and last I heard he was living out west somewhere.

This is a perfect example of how the system fails children!!  Hang in there Dac! There ARE tons of children out there that need and deserve good homes.

My parents are involved with a couple of places down in your area. Not sure if they are foster homes or boys home or what. I dont know all the details but will ask about them when I talk to my mom later today.

Rhonda

[DLA]

JoBa--thank you for your comments.  We are not eligible to adopt from China as we are too "old" and I am too fat for their now current standards.  We are both over 35 and I am overweight, so they will not allow us to adopt from China.

Rhonda--Our children are always failed by the system, the way I see it.  Saw a social worker at the dr with 6 children that had just been taken out of a drug house.  Suddenly she disappeared with them.  The dr said it was 5 pm and it was time for her to get off work, so she just left!!!!  They were filthy, bruised, and had been exposed to many many drugs, but she didn't care enough to keep them at the dr to be checked out.  So the case against the adults on behalf of the children was thrown out for lack of immediate evidence!!!  SICK!

Thank you for your help.  I appreciate any I can get.

Dac

[rayneweather]

I am in the same boat as you re: adoption from China.  My husband and I had looked at it several times over the past couple years because he is Chinese and it seemed to make sense to adopt from his home land.  Even though we are both <35 I am overweight (in fact, I was quite the local oddity because I am a very large woman when we went to rural China several years ago) so that's a no go there.  I wanted to put another possible suggestion out there.  I can't remember if you're keeping your ovaries but if so - how about surrogacy?  Some insurance policies do cover fertility treatment and if the surrogate has health insurance it should cover her maternity care (the insurance co. doesn't need to know or care how she got pregnant).  It can be a high risk option if you don't know the surrogate really, really well as there have been cases of the surrogate deciding she carried the baby & she wants to keep him/her.  But I just wanted to put that out there.  I've considered being a surrogate over the years because despite my size I have had really good pregnancies and my body was built for labor (as well as a really high pain threshold).  We don't plan on having any more kids for the next couple of years (if ever) and I've often considered whether I should use my body to help some other couple.  Just my 2 cents.  My prayers are with you & your family.

Rayne