adult son w/ADHD

[lynn57]

My son is 28.  He lives at home.  he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young.  He is only 5' 3'' and acts like he doesn't have a problem.  He takes Concerta (and ritalin for the AM an PM.)  He is a chronic liar and will not take responsibility for anything. He is often verbally abusive when confronted with a lie or a problem.  I feel horrible about wanting him to move out because he seems to have many issues ( depression, anger, trouble sleeping at night with daytime drowsiness.)  Is there anything I can do to help when he won't even admit that he needs the meds.   Sometimes I think the meds make him more irritable. He doesn't take them as prescribed either.  This doesn't help. Often he is loveable and happy and we get along great.  I just never know when the hammer will fall. Would you kick him out? I feel that he would not survive on his own.

[kzun]

The perfect solution...join the Army. I started down that path over 8 years ago, but like your son I had the "want" to do something special. With friends, lazyness, not being forced to do anything just try to imagine why you would want to. I convinced myself to give the national guard a try for the money, and the initial training is less than 6 months. In my head I thought I would come home in shape with a bunch of money and could continue my hand fed life.
Wrong I was. Once you are in, there is just no quiting or failing and you are forced to mature. I was given a new pride about myself, life, family, and country. It is an internal motivation that they install into you.
I have been in for over 8 years now, and I cannot even begin to explain how much it saved me from myself. All of my friends are still in the same place as they was back then. If you think it could be a good idea and want some knowladge on how to talk to him about it and what the military offers, I would be more than happy to share with you what I know. And No, I am not any kind of recruiter.

[lynn57]

I am very familiar with ADHD and OCD.  I work with mentally disturbed people everyday.  I have been to at least twenty seminars and know many doctors and psycologist.  My son has a very good neurologist and has had several years of counseling.  As i said, his doctor thinks he is doing wonderfully considering his severity of ADHD.  i happen to know how bright he is and how much better he could be doing.  Seeing the post did help, in the long run.  He has been to seven places to put in applications this week and Wegmans called him back for an interview for overnight stockperson.  Since my son is tired during the day and has insomnia at night, this might work out if he gets it.  Thanks for all your advice and insight.  Add definately runs in families!

[1centwiz]

Glad to hear it! About the walking and not needing the assisted living that is... As allymarbles said, you may need more help with your son than just his ADHD. He's not looking at reality very well if he's willing to make things up like he did just to make you look bad. He's got some issues with dealing with truth and believe me, it's hard to live with when someone is like this.
Like I mentioned in my post, IF this was going on, then the authorities would have been called. The fact that they hadn't, left me to believe that he was making it all up.
The one thing that I did forget to mention is that usually ADHD runs in families. For example, my Mom was OCD about things, probably her way of dealing with her ADHD and my Dad is ADHD introverted. When both parents have it, usually the kids have 100% chance of being born with it as well. And all four of us have it to one degree or another. With one parent having ADHD, the stats go down by 50%.
With this said, ADHD is not just a one person thing. It's usually a family thing. Whether or not you are the person directly affected with the disorder, the rest of the family is affected.
For me I was the defiant extrovert and yes, the world did revolve around me and my moods. At least my families world that is. Both of my brothers were introverts like my Dad, but while my older brother would just give up and not try harder, my little brother was far too brilliant to care what others thought of him and so he succeed anyway. My younger sister, being born 11 years my junior, had my parents pretty much to her self growing up and I was there to guide her during her formative years. She is barely noticeable with her ADHD and is quite a success at what ever she chooses to do with her life. Although each of us deals with our disorder differently, we have all grown to learn life skills and non of us was ever put on medication as children. Heck, there wasn't even a diagnosis for us except I was lazy, my brother was a dreamer, my older brother chose to be a jock and my sister was just a socialite. That's the only categories there was for us back then.
So for your son and his inability to function, it's a cop out for him. He knows that there will always be a place to fall back to if he "fails" or gets bored with what he's doing.
Although our family is tight, we were all raised to be responsible for ourselves and each and every one of us got "kicked" out at 18. Although, we all still lived at home, but we had to pay rent and chip in for repairs etc. Which means we had to have a job, no matter what.
No free loaders were allowed in our home simply because it wasn't tolerated or acceptable behavior.
Tough love is not "kicking" them out on the streets. It's making your boundaries plain an simple so that if the chance came about where he could move out, he'd be able to because he's had practice.
Nothing in life is free and I don't believe in babying someone who is choosing to be the way he is being. I say this as an ADHD adult, not judging or condeming, but knowing that yes it takes work to make it in this world. But the way I look at it, there are plenty of people out there that are far worse off than I am and they are making it. I guess you could say I don't believe in excuses, but in intentions. If his intention is to grow up and be a man, then by jove, he's got to just do it! If not, then well he'll be living at home and you'll be taking care of him until you are both ready for an adult living care facility and he'll still be the way he is because he was never given any boundaries.
That's what tough love is in my book. Maybe I'm off base, but I've seen it work with all four of us and a few others that were friends of mine as well. Each one of us has a purpose and place in our society. And unless you are brain dead, then there is no reason on earth not to try and find out what that purpose is and live it to the fullest.
I'm currently working with kids because I'm just one big kid at heart. It's gotten me in trouble at jobs that require too much conformity as I am the jokester and love a good prank.
I also have problems with routine and get bored easily. So with a job that has it's flexibility its better for me.
On the other hand, my brother needs the routine. It makes him feel like he's getting things done and he never forgets where he's supposed to be from one day to the other. Believe me we've had some pretty funny discussions about how his life and my life are so totally opposite and yet we are both happy and well adjusted. I guess we were lucky that having a Mom who was ADHD with OCD that she instilled great boundaries and was terribly consistent.
I'm not going to tell you what to do, you already know what to do. I'm hopeful that I can give you some encouragement to stand your ground and that sometimes the baby bird needs a nudge to get out of the nest. And for some, the nest needs to be knocked down by the wind each year so that they have to learn to build one of their own.
I agree that maybe he needs to see some of the postings here. Not necessarily about him, but about others like me that have the same issues and problems. Maybe he'll see like I did that I'm not alone and that I can make it and not be burden upon others after all. I'm not a lost cause, I just needed cause to find that out.
Cheers and best of luck to you!

[lynn57]

Obviously my son got on this site and was extremely angry that "he" had been discussed. He left that deleted message making his dad out to be a doddering old fool who soils himself.  I supposedly beat him with a telephone book and sent his intestines south.  Also he doesn't work because he is home taking care of dad.  I am supposed to be thirteen years younger than my hubby and spending days at the bar.  I can't believe that you honestly gave any substance to his ramblings.  Even he believed it was too far out to be believed.  My husband and I are not elderly(not by my standards).  I am not thirteen years younger than my hubby.  Neither one of us smoke or drink.  We both work full-time.  Neither one of us has ever been physical(except in a good way).  We have a wonderful life together with many long walks and week-end get-aways.  You see how defensive my son is about his ADHD.  I would never have shown him this column on my own.  He found the computer left on this site.  He also will not admit having a problem keeping a job.  I think him seeing the posts did wake him up a little and hopefully it will affect his acceptance of his problems.  I just can't believe that anyone would have taken that seriously.  When I showed my husband the post about assisted living he died laughing.  We walk three miles a day and he does another two on the treadmill.  Not ready for the old folks home just yet.

[allmymarbles]

I wish someone with tell teachers that they are not doctors. They probably have more to do with the increase in ADD diagnoses than anyone. Then the parents, pressured by the school, take their problems to a doctor (usually someone not specialized in this sort of problem) and the compliant "doctor" prescribes drugs. We need guidelines for this sort of thing. I cannot imagine how many children's lives have been ruined by this questionable ethical behavior.

By the way, the school was after me about one of my daughters who was very mischievous (and hated school). I told them to go fly a kite. Fortunately I had some medical knowledge so could protect her. Most people do not and rely on "experts." My advice? Say no to gain time, and then gather all the information you can. Niney-nine times out of a 100 you will reject the drugs.

[lynn57]

I forgot to address the short stature issue. As I said in previous post, we did not medicate him when he was growing up due to a medical problem causing malabsorption.  He was not healthy and spent a good deal of his early years in and out of hospitals.  We were aware that Ritalin can stunt growth and were not willing to risk this. In order to reach the height he is presently at he took growth hormones and anabolic steroids.  Not an easy road. It was a high school teacher that suggested ADHD meds. His growth had stopped and the doctor agreed with treatment.  Wish we hadn't gone this route.