Emotional abuse (started off from my mother) has completely killed my self confidence and I've been verging on a nervous breakdown.

[nige2005]

Hi, I'm looking for help.

Last August it felt like I was dying and think I was near to a nervous breakdown. I went to the doctors and was told that from the moment I walked in he could see that I was suffering from severe stress. We have a family business that I run and I was finding that the work may be causing me stress. I had to have a month off and drove to Scotland in my camper van where I tried to get better.

I was so ill that for three weeks I would just lay in the van feeling completely exhausted. I would try and do walks
with the dog but at 44 years old I felt about 90. I tried to work out why I was so stressed and during the month I examined my life and all the things that were triggering the stress. It wasn't the work itself, it was the fact that it seemed as if everyone was running me down and being critical of me behind my back.

The four main people I pin pointed were 1: my mother, 2: a woman who we employ and I worked with every day 3: one of my nephews and 4: my twin brother.

After three weeks away I started to feel a bit better, after another week I was feeling fit and healthy again and the stress was much improved. When I came back I saw my mother and she was really nice to me and different to her usual self. When I went back to work, as soon as I saw the woman I work with I felt bad stress again, I realized at once that for some reason (that I did not understand), for some reason she was a big trigger for my stress.

To cut a very long story short, I though that the woman I worked with and my nephew were running me down
behind my back and being very critical of me. I decided that I would start to renovate the business premises and to really show that I am capable of a lot more than I was being credited for.

The more I improved and renovated that more unhappy the woman seemed to get, it was as if she did not want me to do well because she enjoyed criticizing me so much.

It all came to a head one day when the woman I worked with after a tiny dispute walked out on me, then she made up that I went ballistic with her and had shouted at her. I then found out from some other people that she has been running our business down for a few years to neighbors etc, I realized that this was why I felt such tremendous stress because she had been going around making up lies about me and slandering me. We had to dismiss her and now she is taking us to tribunal to claim unfair dismissal, redundancy money and whatever else she can get.

It's obvious that it has been a plan of hers for a while and her whole attitude during this time was causing me stress. I also had to stop my nephew from working with me and I am now feeling a lot better.

The problem I have is that a lot of my neighbors have believed this woman's lies and don't like me any more. I have been accused of all sorts but instead of asking me, they just automatically believe the liar and my life is now in a bit of a mess.

The odd thing is that I really do feel a whole lot better because if someone now stares at me as if I am a horrible person, at least I know why. Previously I was getting these looks and it was freaking my head out.

But I now want to finish working and sell the business (move away from the area and start again) because of what has happened.

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As for my mother, this is the route cause of my problems I think. whenever I see her I get stressed out feelings come over me and although I have tried my hardest to talk with her about it it always fails to help. Yesterday I finally worked out exactly what the problem is and that is why I have come here to seek help.

My mother is constantly critical of me, no matter how hard I work or try to please her it is never enough. As soon as I see her there is no normal conversation, it is just constant nag nag nag and put downs. She also constantly boasts about how great she is at everything and just belittles me.

But the part that stresses me the most is this: When I tell her to be happy and stop constantly criticizing me, she instantly turns on me and says to stop thinking such bad thoughts, she says that she is only trying to help me and being nice to me, my mother then tells me that I have nasty thoughts and she starts to call me names. She will say that I am weird or that I am very argumentative. She will say that I am nasty to her and that I always start arguments.

I try to talk calmly to her and explain that I don't like her calling me these names and I'm not being argumentative, I am only trying to explain that she is too critical of me and it makes me feel really bad.

Then she becomes hurt and gives me the guilt trip. My mother will go silent and ignore me treating me as if I have done something so bad that I am like an evil person. The guilt trips that she has put me through have completely destroyed my self confidence and it seems as if I have a kick me sign written on me because other people pick up on something and I believe that the way I have been brought up has had a bad negative effect on me and causes other people to treat me badly.

I have talked to my older brother today and he feels exactly the same. He too has very low self esteem and no confidence.

We have decided that at 76 years old there is no way that we can get our mother to change, that would be impossible. I think that I must stop trying to explain to her the way she makes me feel and somehow learn to look at her and accept that she has the problem and not let her affect me.

I could just try to avoid her, I don't know.

The other problem is that through my life my mother has run me down behind my back and my sister and father are her supporters, they agree with her and they all get some kind of kick feeling superior to me by doing this (similar to what the woman I worked with did to me, except she was even worse than my family).

My mother and sister have also run me down to her sons and daughter and they now act superior and look down on me, it is very sad what has happened.

Then there is my twin brother, he is probably worse than my mother and will criticize, belittle, call me names and list all my problems whenever I see him. Again he will run me down to my family or his friends whenever he can.

To me it's as if my whole family have these almost bullying traits/problems and I am just a verbal punchbag for them. I have become withdrawn and want to be on my own a lot, I don't bother with friends or anything because I am worried that they will only start to become like my family to me (the kick me sign).

I think I need some type of professional help, someone who has seen similar cases and can help me and maybe help to explain to my family what has happened and how to change.

Is it possible that I can fully recover and become a confident person who doesn't let anyone abuse me emotionally again? Or will I always be vulnerable?

Any advise please?

[Dazon50]

I can relate to your sensitivity.  I have always cared far too much what others thought of me since childhood. I didn't want to loose the sensitivity because I believe it is a gift however learning to use it wisely and correctly is a learning process.  It involves using other aspects together such as your intelligence (reasoning, thinking, patience, etc.)

Too much to go into at this time.

I don't believe in running away unless it is the best action to take.  In your case, if you love what you do, I agree, why let others drive you away????

The sanity part is important because if others can get you to believe you are the one wrong when in reality it is them.....they have won and lost.  Won, because they think they are right and you accept it & bow under.  Lost because they lie to themselves and you and they don't learn in the end.  Sad ending that way.

Being willing to take constructive criticism is different and important to be able to do in order to grow & work things out.  

[nige2005]

I will definitely check that book out margypops

I think I am too sensitive to criticism, this probably makes me vulnerable and by craving approval I am open to getting hurt. I have a lot of work to do on myself and need to get stronger. If people want to run me down behind my back then they have the biggest problems because I work very hard, I am nice to everyone I meet, if it's fun to run someone down who is trying their hardest then why are they being like that is their problem not mine.

My mother's "I know best" attitude at my age of 44 is a bit strange, but as you say I can learn to stop the negative thoughts and stay positive. If I accept that she can not change it won't wind me up half as much wanting to change her. I have to stop wanting this so much and learn to become stronger.

Nige

[nige2005]

hI Dazon50

It is a difficult one to try and openly discuss things with the family. I know for certain that my parents have been critical of me behind my back to my sister. I also know that my sister has done the same to her children because two of my nephews and my niece have changed towards me, where they used to be relaxed and happy to see me, now they are serious, uncomfortable and look down at me as if they are superior. They have also started doing the same to my older brother which he has noticed.

But if I were to try and get it out in the open everyone would deny it. They would all say that they haven't been running me down and that there must be something wrong with me to imagine this. Arguments would probably start and I would get the blame.

It's a sad situation and a difficult one. Maybe some people who run others down and talk badly of them do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong or the negative effect it has?

I have tried to be really nice and to please thinking that this would be better, but the nicer you are the more vulnerable you become I now think. I have definitely become different lately. I don't have time for anyone who looks down on me and am not the Mr nice guy any more. I will say hello and have a small chat but that's it, if they are thinking bad thoughts about me then whatever I do I can't stop them, the poison is in them, as long as I know I have done nothing wrong I will never again feel intimidated by anyone treating me as if I have done something wrong. Now I understand what has happened I can counteract things.

I have considered seeking a professional for advice and possibly I would consider a mediator as you say they may be helpful in situations such as this. I will definitely think about that.

I hope my confidence does grow as I make good decisions. I already feel better and stronger just for writing here.

One more thing, my family business: this is probably the biggest thing that has caused jealousy with family and with neighbours. I have been brought up being constantly criticised and I even believed that I was not good enough to run the business and that I would not be very good. With the recent events and my parents both getting older, I am now running the business and I am also renovating it. Above all I am proving to myself that not only can I do it but that I am quite good at it.

Yesterday I was still feeling overwhelmed and was thinking that we should sell up and that I should move on. But should I really let my neighbours and the woman I used to work with make me want to sell up, or should I carry on and try and get stronger in myself. 30 years I have worked here and if I sell I will never know if I could have been successful or not. The stress that I have been feeling makes me think to sell, but I could recover. I will have to see.

Nige

[margypops]

Yes Yes and Yes ..you got it, see we often know the answers inside us ...focus on the good positive side of your self, you are a success you have a business, surround yourself with like minded people negativity will drag you down,its catching. Its is within you to make your life work, I do know one thing from experience,it is our thoughts that make us feel bad, I read this in a book that helped me a lot called 'Slowing down to the Speed of Life' by Richard Carlson...."..Its impossible to experience any negative feeling without first creating a negative corresponding thought.The truth is, our thinking will always create the reality we perceive '  the source of our experience is always our thinking ...So when you start to worry about any critism or think they are talking about you, switch it off tell yourself , No I will not go there, focus on the work you are doing, fill yourlife with good things , you are a good person, a clever person, they wish they were you .....

[nige2005]

Hi margypops

You mention about stopping caring so much. I have now realised that instead of getting freaked out when my mother critisizes me, I have to let it roll off me as you say. It is inside my head that is getting stressed because I wish so much that she would stop. I am now understanding that she is never going to stop (not at her age) and that I have to give up trying to tell her because it always causes an argument and it is always me who she goes back to other family members and runs me down to them behind my back.

I don't think she realises how so much constant critisism has had such a bad effect on me. I have been brought up thinking that I was not as good or as clever as other people but I am as good and I am as clever, I have been brainwashed.

When I was younger it was my older brother who my mother was most critical of, she used to do the same to him and they used to argue, then she would completely blame him and behind his back we would all say bad things and think badly of him. I used to think that there was something wrong with my brother. Now that she has done the same to me I feel so sorry for him and want to help him because he could have done so much more with his life and achieved so much.

By fully understanding a problem you feel a whole lot better and I will work very hard to get my confidence back up. Now I know what has happened to me I can help myself get back on track.

The woman has been dismissed and she is taking us to tribunal but I feel much less stressed and much better since she has gone.

I can pin point when I became seriously stressed almost exactly to when my twin brother got involved  with drugs and he was out of it all the time. He would shout at me call me everything and although all my family were worried about him, no one noticed that I was being so badly affected. Because of the abuse I got from him, whenever I saw my mother, even the tiniest critical remark would get me stressed right out but I could not explain to her what was wrong with me because I did not understand it.

I have to stop arguing from this minute and start to see my old friends again who I consider positive.

I will also distance myself as much as possible but not completely from anyone who is negative to me. The main thing I think is to learn not to get stressed and argue, realise that it is their fault and if any insults or sarcastic remarks are said to me, instead of confrontation, I will inform I am not happy and get myself away from them.

My brothers and sister have always seemed jealous of me and I can only think that it is because I am happy (even with the severe stress and wanting to be on my own a lot I still felt happy).

Nige

[Dazon50]

You have done a really good job of expressing yourself and what is bothering you.  You are aware of the toxic relationships and now it is a matter of setting those boundaries with others and letting them know you want things in the open so they can be discussed in a meaningful way to be worked out for the best for everyone.

In some families or in groups, one person is singled out to be the scapegoat for everything.  Some times it is the one who wants to please everyone and is vulnerable for that reason.  

Some of us reach a point where we say, "enough is enough" and bring about a confrontation to get it out in the open.  A mediator can be helpful in situations such as these. Someone who has skills with conflict resolution.

Knowing you tried to bring some sanity and work things out definitely would add to the confidence level.  Getting good counsel is wise.  Whenever people whether friends, family members or in groups have to put some one down to make themselves feel better, there is something wrong on their end.  People who believe them without giving you the chance have issues also.  There are so many reasons why these kinds of behaviors happen, but the main thing is to keep your head in the midst of this as to what you want to accomplish and focus on.

The confidence will grow as you make good decisions. No one can change the others, but you are in charge of yourself.  I wish you success in whatever direction you go.

[margypops]

I think that human beings can do anything, you can indeed chnage and turn your life around starting with stopping caring so much what they think about you, you know you are okay so thats the most important thing, if they criticise behind your back let them, let it roll off you it just doesnt matter. Whatever you decide to do I think you should distance yourself from people who dont wish you well, surround yourself with positive friends .You obviously have let it over whelm you, the person you work with ,is it possible to let her go,you dont have to see the other family too much .Stand up for self say in your head 'I am not going to take this anymore 'you will feel better and stronger, they will only be able to treat you badly if you let them .It could be your brother is jealous of you it will never change so dont be around him a lot, if they ask why tell them .To answer your question YES you will be a confidant person, ..