Am I bad?

[want2ask]

Dear Dr,

I'm 21 years old and I've started to serously question how moral I am. I do things that I'm very ashamed of, and I wish I never did them. I've been masturbating for about 9 years, is this wrong? What's worse is that recently my fantasies are really disturbing me, I think about girls and anal sex, and that's something I would never do, but I feel like I'm a completeley different person when I'm aroused, and it makes me feel sick that I have such thoughts. I've never has sex before, has this something to do with it?

Also, I've been sexually abused when I was younger twice, and my fantasies are starting to make me think that maybe I'm not so different, that if I can think about something I usually don't at that time, then how am I different? I've also been looking back at my past to see if I sexually abused anyone, I haven't. However, when I was like 9 or younger, I kissed a boy 3 years younger than me because I wanted to know how to kiss, is this sexual abuse, I hate myself for it?

Also, I know that those who have been sexually abused often become the abusers, but I would never do that, and I feel soooo sick that that's a possibility. I just feel like I'm as sick as them, but then again I know I'm not, please help me Dr???

[kenneltech]

You don't have to go into therapy gang busters, go slow, it will eventually come out.  There are a lot of feelings pent up inside you about this, there are many things you will uncover during therapy sessions, so you don't have to go in there and start blurting out that you were raped right away.  If the therapist asks, just tell him/her that you were, but you aren't ready to talk about it just yet.  You'll be surprised when it just comes flooding out.  I'm glad you are better, I know, I went through the same thing, still going through it.  Good luck to you.

[kittycat1433]

Am i in the rite community,like i said im new @the computer stuff maybe i need to ck where im @ Kitty!

[want2ask]

Hi everyone,
I would first like to say thank you so much for your comments, it really has calmed me down and make me feel better. When I wrote that email I was distressed and hated myself, I felt so dirty and impure, and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. It definitely was one of the darkest nights of my life, I needed some support so posted on medhelp, and it has helped, so again thank you.

I was raped at a very young age, I tried to speak to my mum about it when I was younger, but she denied it, and since then I tried to block it out. As for the second abuse, a family member tried to feel me up. I must have suppressed it, because it came back to me not long ago, and now I remember it so vividly I feel sick when I think about it.  So I never had the chance to deal with it, because it never really bothered me that much before, but now it’s everything, and affects my whole judgement.

I think professional help would be best, but I’m not sure if I’ll feel comfortable talking face to face to anyone, thinking about it makes me feel like curling up. I just wanted to ask, can you suggest what sort of professional I must see, what are the prices like, because I have no idea of these things. I really do need to overcome this because it’s ruining my life, I hope I do, thank you so much for your support, this forum is so helpful.

[kenneltech]

Personally, I think that you have never dealt with what happened to you, so everything you do you feel guilty about.  when a person is raped, or molested, they take on that guilt, (sad, I know).  But, it wasn't your fault.  But, I think that it is manifesting itself now as your feeling less than a human being, which is quite normal.  You haven't done anything wrong, and you need to get into therapy and DEAL with the emotions that are now coming out due to your abuse.  Sometimes these feelings come out in strange ways, but they still batter you and your psyche badly.

As far as being an abuse, you can never say that, and I'm sorry to say that.  I was abused horribly and knew that I was a potential abuser, so when I got pregnant, before I even had my daughter, I took abuse classes at the local social services, just to be safe.  You could use some of that yourself.  See, you are holding in anger from what happened, and unless you deal with it now, the potential of abuse (not necessarily sexual) is there.  And, one more thing, you are NOT a bad person, you were a victim.

[specialmom]

I agree with Narla.  With regards to masterbation and fantasies, that is pretty normal.  As long as you are not consumed with this and it is interfering with other things, it is okay.  It is important to know the difference between fantasy and realisty and that not all fantasies are for living out.  They just aren't.  (depending on what it is.)

But the bigger issue that I also agree with Narla is that I think you need to seek some therapy to help you with all of your emotions after the sexual abuse.  What sexual abuse does to the mind is almost as bad as the physical contact.  You have guilt and worry about your own actions because someone abused you.  You need to sort through this and seperate yourself from it.  Knowing that you'd not hurt another is how you . . . don't hurt another.  I think that a therapist to champion your situation and help you resolve these emotions will help you move on with your life.

I wish you the best of luck------------  and NO NO NO.  You are not bad.  

[narla]

Professionals don't monitor this site,responses will be from people who may have been through what you have or feel they understand and can help you,personally I think you need to speak to a professional about your feelings,As for masturbation there is nothing wrong with this it is normal you say you started at 12 that's normal too.I don't think your bad as you put it but you need help to realise this.

Denise