Continuing the Cycle?

[Shiina]

I am a 22-year-old woman who just graduated from college. Amongst my friends there I was known, jokingly, as the *********, because I have amassed a large amount of lolicon and shotacon (cartoon depictions of children in sexual situations). This in itself is not uncommon, as several of my close friends also look at this type of material. However, I am also a victim of sexual abuse. I was abused once around the age of 2 by a babysitter, although luckily as soon as my Mom found out she took me away from that situation. I was also emotionally and physically abused by my Father throughout my early years (roughly 6 to 10), and for two years after my parent's divorce he would often touch me inappropriately, laying on top of me or putting his tongue in my mouth.

I find it impossible to blame him for this behaviour, as he had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder just after my Mother made him leave the house (when I was 10), had a mental breakdown shortly thereafter and was on a slew of differing medications for a long time afterwards, but at the same time I can't help being angry at him.

I hit puberty around the age of 12, and began masturbating a few months prior to that. My sexual fantasies quickly became violent, and a decade later have progressed to the point where I feel shocked even while thinking of them. Although my fantasies have mostly featured women, over the years the age of these women has grown increasingly younger even as the situations have grown more extreme. My sexual fantasies involving young boys are, in contrast, completely loving - PG, if you will. I also have a lot of little strange behaviours, like constantly picking at and eating scabs and other materials from my face, skin, nose, etc, which I have read can be a symptom of OCD or depression.

I have never had a girlfriend and I have never confided these things to anyone I know, nor have I ever been to a therapist. I now have a 3-year-old brother and a 1 1/2 year old niece who both live in the same house as me, and I babysit both of them often. Although you couldn't find a more vocal opponent of child molestation than me and I love to be around children, every time I'm around the two of them I can't help but think about the fantasies I've had and wonder if I'm somehow putting them in danger. I have no driver's license, so going to a therapist on my own is impossible, but there is no way I would ever tell my Mother about these things. What should I do? Should I do anything, or am I making a big deal about nothing?

[narla]

I'm in Australia so I don't know whats available over there,It took me 3 different therapists before I found one that worked for me,all you can do is tell your doctor you need to see someone you shouldn't have to tell him why,then you work from there,maybe you'll be lucky and find one that suits you straight away.Take Care

Denise

[Shiina]

Are there any specific actions one would recommend to someone looking for a therapist for the first time? I technically have a family doctor, but I don't know the man very well. We really only went about finding a family doctor because of the birth of my four-year-old brother, and I have only personally visited the man one time, for a general check-up. I also don't feel comfortable bringing these issues up with my Mother, as I don't feel she would be of very much help to me - she would mostly be angry at me for not telling her about these things sooner, and the whole thing would just end up being a hassle for her.

So, it is just me and the Internet right now. If it helps at all, I live in Hancock County, Ohio.

[narla]

Yes,therapy would still be worth it.You'll learn to understand your thoughts and how to deal with them.Remember these are only thoughts and you have recognised that there could be a problem so now you have to deal with it.I'm 48 and have had negative thoughts for most of my life but I have learned new coping mechanisms through therapy,so yes get into therapy now,Good Luck

Denise

[Shiina]

Thank you for your responses.. Logically, I know that what I need to do is see someone professionally, but I immediately think of a thousand different reasons not to, not the least of all being that I haven't the first clue on how to find a good therapist in my area. I suppose I also don't want to acknowledge how serious my problems might be, and I'm afraid that if I go see a therapist they'll end up wanting to prescribe me medication. I saw my father for years when he was being treated through medication, and although we don't speak now I absolutely do not want to end up like him.

Furthermore, I have plans to leave the country at the end of the summer, or if not then then immediately following Christmas. Would pursuing therapy right now even be worth it?

[margypops]

I would tell you the same thing that you can be helped with counselling, you have come to tell us so you realise that some one to talk to is a good thing, ask for a referral I am sure you will get help..Good luck

[narla]

In my opinion you need to have some counselling to find out why you have these thoughts,and to put them into perspective,some of your behaviours are definitely obsessive,I have also done some of the things you talk about and I have been diagnosed with OCD.You need to make sure your thoughts are just that and that they don't become reality,the only way to be sure is through counselling with someone who deals with this type of thing.Please don't wait get into counselling now for your own peace of mind.If you want to talk more I'm here to listen and not judge.Good Luck and Take care

Denise

[Shiina]

P.S. I also constantly make little bets with myself in my head, and having been doing this since I was a child. I also grind my teeth, even when I'm asleep. I recently managed to fracture one of my molars like this.