Forget

[Kelseago]

How do you get over your past.  It's been 12 years since the last rape.  I just can't get over it!  I hurt from it all the time.  I had blocked this incident out for 6 or 7 years.  I had pretty much gotten through my molestation from JR high and highschool when this flooded in.  Here I am for 5 / 6 years later and just can't get it out.  I've let these pieces of my past control my adult life.  Masking them with drugs.  I can't anymore.  It hurts and it won't go away.  What do I do.  I tried therapy

[allmymarbles]

You are lucky in your husband, especially since in your condition you are probably not easy to live with. It is time to get over it, isn't it? See a therapist for help.

[Kelseago]

He's a wonderful man.  A loving, forgiving man.  He just doesn't understand why I can't just "get over it".  Which infuriates me.   I'm always so angry and he just doesn't know what to do.  I hate that I he has to go through this.

[allmymarbles]

You don't s peak much of your husband. Do you have a fairly good marriage? Is he good to you, or is he abusive?

[Kelseago]

I've always considered myself a Christian but I have a love hate relationship ith it.  I've never fully read the bible. This is another thing that I am working on.  Finding my god or higher power.  I am in the Houston area, just recently moved here actually.  This seems to be my worse frith in staying sober and I need to change my mindset.  Thank you guys so much for sharing with me.

[narla]

Like you it was when I became sober that everything seemed a lot worse,all the memories,feelings and emotions hit me hard,but that was also when I realised enough is enough,
I had masked all of this for 40 years,never dealt with any of it properly,but all of a sudden I couldn't hide behind the bottle or the pills anymore,
I realised if I didn't get a hold on my feelings,thoughts and emotions I'd just end up picking up the bottle again and I didn't want to go back to that.

I have some journal entries that I wrote while going through therapy,feel free to read them if you like,it isn't easy but with honesty and a clear head you can get through it.

Take Care

Denise

[RockRose]

kelsea,  are you Christian?   I know not every strategy works for every person to break free of the bondage -   AA type meetings work for some - meds work for others,   etc.

I see you are in Texas,  you don't say which part in your profile.  Beth Moore does a series called "Breaking Free" - she ministers to women - in Houston, and it's also on DVD.  If you have a Christian mindset,  I'd recommend you consider this 11 week program,  one hour a week.  

Feel free to PM me if you're interested and I can try to look up groups that are doing it.  It's fun, it's empowering,   and you don't have to discuss with the group any of your issues or share anything at all about why you are there.

I think you're halfway there.  You have a LOT of real personal insights.  You're just still in the bondage,  even though you understand well why.

Best wishes.

[Kelseago]

I try to get out.  I go to my NA meetings, to the store, library.  My son loves the library.  My cars broke down so we are mainly stuck at home till my husband is off work.  Thanks again :)

[margypops]

yes isnt it thats one of the beauties of the internet we make anonymous friends and no one judges ,at least thats what I have found, vent away ,its a good thing ...we have all done it ...being a stay at home mom is hard work I hope you have time to go out sometimes , recently sober is great, you are winning ...

[Kelseago]

I was working, now I'm a stay at home mom.  I'm also recently sober which is why this is all coming up and bothering me now.  Nothing to numb it.  I do paint but haven't had much time or motivation lately.  I'll get through it.  I just neededto vent.  It's nice to talk with people who have an understanding and don't judge me

[margypops]

but that is all past now , you cannot change the way you behaved or whether you said yes or no, this is the start to a new life , put that past behind you, stop thinking about it, how about focusing on some new things, as Narla said and she has been through all this, it is hard and you have to keep going,be determined not to let the past win .Let today be the new begining, focus on what you are doing ,do you work have you any interests/hobbies, family, friends .you have come to Med Help lot of folks suffering want some support, throw your self into the fray ....

[Kelseago]

I'm afraid of being hurt.  It started off I'm my head that if I always said yes then I could never be raped again.  It was my messed up way of taking control.  I realize now that I had no control.  There were many people I slept with just on fear of what would happen if I said no.  Even though I agreed to these it still hurt me.  I've been forced to have an abortion.  I couldn't allow myself to say no.  This was horrible.  What made it worse was that I got it on Bo pain meds because I threw them up n they wouldn't give me more.  If I'd just said no....

[margypops]

What are you afraid of? if you say no what would happen ?

[Kelseago]

Thanks.  I'm just having a hard time trying to decifer the real me from the always pleasing never saying no because of fear.  I have done things that I probably wouldn't have done if I hadn't been afraid to say no. Fear of what happens after no.  Now I'm at a point where I'm exhausted from saying yes.  It makes me want to just hide myself away

[margypops]

I think you have to come to terms that it did happen and accept that it did ,and that you cant change that fact but you can determine how it will affect the rest of your life, try not to over think as very often it is our thinking makes us feel bad.,persevere with some more therapy ,talk about it if you can ,be in control of your life from now on .good luck

[Kelseago]

Thanks narla.  I just hate this.  I feel out of sorts, loss of control.  I've always tried to control my surrounds but never me.  :-/  I know that I did nothing wrong but it still controls me.  My husband doesn't get why I'm not "over it" yet.  I'll stop before I ramble on, I have a tendency to do so

[narla]

You just have to keep working at it,It took me 3 lots of therapy over 20 years before I could let go of everything,you have to find a therapist you are completely at ease with,and then tell yourself this is it,you have to be totally honest about everything,even if they are just feelings.
It is the hardest thing in the world to just let it all out and then let it go,I was 48 before I accomplished this,don't ever give up there is light at the end of the tunnel.
If you would like to chat send me a private message

Good Luck and stay strong

Denise