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Avatar universal

How do i know if its abuse?

I am very confused about the relationship i have with my partner, we have been together 13 years, sometimes he is very nice and understanding and supportive and helps me out alot in the house and with our children as i suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. The other side is that he is very bad tempered he has hit me in the past but not for a while, now its name calling and making me feel bad as a mother this doesn't happen all the time which is why its so confusing. I do get scared when he loses his temper and my therapist says its emotional abuse and that my partner is controlling but if this is the case why don't i see it, i won't leave because i think our relationship is ok and he loves me and i need to feel loved as my family have nothing to do with me and i don't have any friends just him and i need to be with him, we have so many good memories that to leave him i would lose all that. There is alot of arguing in our house and i try to keep the peace alot and try to keep him happy by doing what he wants. Am i wrong, is he abusive and i can't see it i am really confused.
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Avatar universal
There are men or women out there that would treat you like the wonderful person that you are. Do not ,  I repeat do not!!!!  tolerate any verbal abuse of any sort. Absolutly no insults, or negative comments should be tolerated. Have a serious talk. Tell him you love him and want to stay. But the insults are stopping now. If he says one thing insulting immediatly say. NO!  This insulting behavior has to stop I wont live like that; If you stay and put up with it you are just as much to blame as him
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Avatar universal
I believe your in a very bad situation, like I am as well, all I ever think of after 20 yrs, how the hell do I go I am so sick of apologizing and being a coward, but I hope you can do what I am about to, say I am happy when your not around you cause my life hell and discontent, I am done!!!
Helpful - 0
757137 tn?1347196453
Maybe you could stand up for yourself better if you conquered the anxiety and panic attacks. You may not realize it, but there may be a physical cause for them. Have your adrenals checked. I had your symptoms and found I was suffering from adrenal fatigue. That was treated and - bingo! Often we think our problems are psychological and sometimes they are. But sometimes they aren't. Find a good doctor and check it out.
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Avatar universal
it is hard to see because when your being abused in any way and have gone through it for so long it puts you in a position where you may feel like its your fault, and where you make excuses for what that person does but the truth is no one deserves to be hit or to be put down. i know that it is hard, but believe me when i tell you you need to leave the situation. there will always be times where it will seem things are ok but in reality they aren't because you still feel the pain inside of you and you still walk on egg shells cause deep down you know its comming again you just don't know when. the longer you stay the harder it gets, and the more you lose yourself by staying in the situation. he has a hold on you and he knows it, its hard but you need to stand up and take the control back. once you leave and are completly away you will start to feel better about yourself and see what the relationship for what it really was.
if you feel that you can't do it on your own there are places that will help, search for an organization or someplace that specializes in it.  
it would also probably be a good idea to get a restraining order against him once you leave to protect yourself just in case.
good luck i hope you take the advice, i speak from experience.
if you ever need someone to talk to you can e-mail me at unicorn_love1983***@**** i would be more than willing to talk to you about it more and help you, just having someone to talk to about it can help alot.
once again i repeat get out.
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Avatar universal
You don't feel that you need to leave and that the relationship is "good" because he throws you a "bone" on occasion, he will be attentive and nice and caring.  But the fact of the matter is, he's not like that all the time and when he's not like that, HE'S ABUSING YOU!  

Anytime you feel uncomfortable, demeaned, physically attacked, verbally attacked, called names, or controlled, then you are being abused.

I'm sorry to tell you, but the abuse does get worse with time, and this will also.  I know you are in denial now, but a lot of us on this forum that are writing to you are telling you because we have been through it and we know.

When a person is name calling, and a control freak, that IS NOT LOVE!  He is obviously ill and needs help, but you don't need to be there trying to help him, seeing him through this, or otherwise, sticking by him!   Sorry, but you need to get away and he needs to deal with this all by himself and learn how to treat the mother of his children.  You cannot help him, you are not a therapist.

If nothing else seems to affect you, then you need to leave for your kids sake.  Your kids will become the same way as it is called "learned behavior" and even if you think that you "can talk to them" and tell them it's wrong, they are in the middle of it, they see DADDY doing this to MOMMY, and MOMMY does nothing, therefore, it is the right way to treat women!

Plus, why would you want your children around an abusive, controlling man, anyway?   Don't THEY deserve better?

I watched as my grandmother was abused like you, and she would just ignore me when I would try to talk to her about my feelings.  I wanted to tell her how scared I was, how upset and angry I was, and ask her why couldn't we leave?  Children want and need a stable, safe invironment, and this is not it!  

Get out and tell him before you would even CONSIDER going back, he better have completed at LEAST a year of intense therapy and you want to go a few times to see what the doctor thinks.  That's still no guarantee, but it's better than what you're doing now.
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Avatar universal
I'm new and found this by accident - but I can't help replying - I've been there - years! The bills are paid - what would I do? How could I leave?  I'll tell you how I found the power - the kids!!!

I did not want my boys growing up thinking that this was the way Husbands/ Fathers were supposed to behave. AND I did not want my daughter thinking that this is what she should expect or look for in a husband.

This was a major turning point for me! This became more important to me than anything! I can tell you that almost 6 years later - I have survived and I'm really doing a good job of making it all work...JMPO! You will be surprised at what a Mother is capable of when she needs to be...

Michelle:)
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Avatar universal
Well while you are working your way thru this day by day, try to turn to this and other sites for the support and encouragement it has to offer you. Some days this will seem like your only outlet. My prayers go with you and I truly hope and pray that whatever it takes, life will turn around for you and you will be happy. I believe every single person has a right to be happy as life is just too short to settle for anything less. Maybe you are not strong enough now, but tomorrow may be a different story. Hang in there, you are stronger than you think you are.
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Avatar universal
Thanks, i know i need to accept this but as you say i am scared, i do have some support from a place called woman's aid but she said i need to be able to accept it before she can fully help but they are there, my therapist is very good he also encouraged me to talk to him. I just wanted to find out maybe if there was a chance they were wrong and that everything was really normal. You are right if i had the energy i probably would do something about it but i am so tired and when i panic i need him there, i also have nightmares from PTSD and he wakes me up from them because he can hear me. I know the relationship doesn't help my depression or anxiety, but if i work with my therapist he can help me if i ever get the strength to leave.
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Avatar universal
I would also like to let you know that I was in no way making light, tho it does sorta sound that way in my first response to you. But not intended that way at all. I just wanted you to see for yourself only not in your words how serious this is.
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Avatar universal
Respectfully, I have been in your situation and am all too familiar with how you feel. I also know the fear of attempting to leave and even thinking you love your abuser.  The fear of even if I get out where do I go or who do I turn too.Of course you suffer from depression,anxiety and panic attacks! These things are all reasons why you cannot deal with the situation. You are in a weakened state of mind from being beat down emotionally all these years. I think you just dont know where to turn or how and not even sure you have the energy it takes to try. Sound familiar? I would sincerely see if he would join you in therepy where some of these issues can be dealt with and gotten out in the open. He needs to learn this is not acceptable and maybe somehow you can salvage something between you. But if he wont and you cannot, you need to have a game plan of sorts just in case it gets worse. My guess would be a shelter.
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Avatar universal
I know i can't accept it so maybe asking for advice was a waste of time but i just wanted other peoples opnions. I guess its my problem as why i can't see it, but in my defence you would have to be in my life to understand it, i only asked for opnions.
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Avatar universal
Well, I would say to you that if you do not think it is abuse, it is not abuse.... In the average situation I cannot understand how being verbally downed and hit is not abuse. But you would know I guess as you are living there of your own free will. It sounds like you are in counseling and the therapist has told you it is abuse and if you do not believe her or cannot see it, nothing we have to say is going to change your mind. It sounds like the biggest problem is your low self image of yourself and the fear of being alone. When you decide to face those problems head on, and are successful, you may view his treatment of you differently.
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Avatar universal
Thankyou for that, i have tried talking to him and it stops for a while then when he gets stressed it starts again. Its calm for now which is good if only it would stay like that. Thanks again
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Avatar universal
Thankyou for replying, i know i need to sort this out at some point. Thanks again
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1032715 tn?1315984234
Yes he is abusive and controlling he needs to get help to deal with his problems,people who name call and put others down normally have low self esteem themselves,if he won't get help you need to leave you shouldn't have to live the rest of your life like this,and if you are scared now is the time to leave.

Good Luck  Denise
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