Aa
Is this an abuse or not?
My husband and I have a different sexual desire. He wants to have a sex almost every night, but for me it is OK to have it once in two weeks. He is really insisiting on having sex more often, and although I have no desire I have to follow his request. He does not forse me, but keeps tauching me and asking for sex, untill I finally give up. I was trying to explain him, I get tired by the end of the day and just want to sleep, but itv seems when he is in a mood nothing can stop him. If I decide to avoid sex, he will be mad at me and might stop talking to me for a couple days. From another point I realize if I will not have sex with him he might start looking around. What should I do?
Stand your ground if he goes elsewhere he didnt love you anyway ...you are correct and it is demaning for you , do not do it .
skrom, my guess is it would take about half the time and emotional energy just to have sex as it does to just go ahead and do it.
I don't think that's abuse. I think it's two people whose sex drives don't match, which is typical for men and women.
My guess is if you just gave him sex when he wanted it, you'd both be a lot happier and you'd be surprised how nice guys are when they are sexually happy.
And yes, I think if this goes on much longer he will leave.
Don't mean to sound harsh. Best wishes -
I don't think that's abuse. I think it's two people whose sex drives don't match, which is typical for men and women.
My guess is if you just gave him sex when he wanted it, you'd both be a lot happier and you'd be surprised how nice guys are when they are sexually happy.
And yes, I think if this goes on much longer he will leave.
Don't mean to sound harsh. Best wishes -
oops, misspoke, it would take about half the time and emotional energy to just go ahead and have sex as it does to refuse it.
You are probably right, but sometimes (well most of the time) I feel too tired and just want to get some sleep.
Sorry maybe I wasnt clear, If you dont feel like it it is not in any way possible good to give in especially when you are tired just to keep a man who doesnt care you are tired , , so please do not do that you will go through life feeling demeaned .Talk to him tell him how you feel if he loves you he will see your point of view ,its not all about keeping men happy, its your life .........
margy, in all honestly, it's a two way street. He doesn't care that she's tired, she doesn't care that he's horny and is really hot for her.
I don't know how most couples are, but it's like a 10 minute effort to just do it and it's a gift. No one always feels like it, but to give it to your life partner, it's your gift.
My opinion only.
I don't know how most couples are, but it's like a 10 minute effort to just do it and it's a gift. No one always feels like it, but to give it to your life partner, it's your gift.
My opinion only.
your opinion .....do not bring mine into it......its about the poster not me ......
My response still stands ,you do not have to have sex if you do not want to , tell him how you feel, what kind of relationship would you have if you are tired and you give way each night , it will make you resentful,and unhappy ...go with your gut ,its telling you not to... unless you want to ...its about your own self worth, tell him how you feel if he loves you he will understand ...good Luck
Hm. Well, wouldn't this be like any other conflict in a marriage? Isn't communication and compromise the best policy? Isn't sex about intimacy rather than the act? Okay, men are men but I think a spouse's feelings on the subject should count. Mine do. I actually commend this poster for also thinking of the flip side and realizing sex is important to her mate. She may work that factor into her compromise and instead of every day come up with a two times a week schedule. But communication is the key here. Sex drive takes a nose dive when one spouse makes it clear that it is about the act vs. the intimacy of it. Demanding it sends that message. Just my opinion. We need to feel like our feelings count in a relationship.
This thread is a bunch of women talking about intimacy, and communication, and sex.
Guys want sex. I'm 50, and I know this now. To a guy, sex means all those things, and to a woman, they want to cuddle and communicate and largely be left alone in bed if they don't feel like having sex.
Husbands aren't like that. It doesn't take that much effort to give them that. It takes more effort to refuse. And MAN will it make your life better and more fun.
Margy, I'm sorry if somehow I seem to have offended you.
Guys want sex. I'm 50, and I know this now. To a guy, sex means all those things, and to a woman, they want to cuddle and communicate and largely be left alone in bed if they don't feel like having sex.
Husbands aren't like that. It doesn't take that much effort to give them that. It takes more effort to refuse. And MAN will it make your life better and more fun.
Margy, I'm sorry if somehow I seem to have offended you.
It sounds to me (and i have a degree in social work) that your husband has a problem that he is not facing - not the sex, but his anger.
It isn't TECHNICALLY abuse, but borders on it. You should check with your local police or district attorney's office (whoever it is who brings criminals to justice in MA - you know from TV) what your rights are about saying know. In some states, if a wife says NO and the husband proceeds to have sex against her will, it's RAPE - in other's it is not.
Are you in therapy? You live in a large community - or at least near one. If you cannot afford it, there is probably some low cost or free alternatives. Try the woman's abuse hotline if you need help with counseling. They can also answer the "when is it rape?" question, come to think of it.
My suggestion is twisting his arm to get him into couple's therapy.
Have you ever ever heard of a famous Greek comedy called Lysistrata? She organizes all the women of Athens and Sparta to end a war. How?
They take over the Acropolis of both cities, where the treasuries were located, so no $$ - and NO SEX FOR ANY MARRIED MEN!
How about no meals and no sex until he agrees to couples counseling - even if you have to go stay at a friend's house? You can dp the other chores, including shopping, when you know he is at work.
Just a suggestion.
Ike
It isn't TECHNICALLY abuse, but borders on it. You should check with your local police or district attorney's office (whoever it is who brings criminals to justice in MA - you know from TV) what your rights are about saying know. In some states, if a wife says NO and the husband proceeds to have sex against her will, it's RAPE - in other's it is not.
Are you in therapy? You live in a large community - or at least near one. If you cannot afford it, there is probably some low cost or free alternatives. Try the woman's abuse hotline if you need help with counseling. They can also answer the "when is it rape?" question, come to think of it.
My suggestion is twisting his arm to get him into couple's therapy.
Have you ever ever heard of a famous Greek comedy called Lysistrata? She organizes all the women of Athens and Sparta to end a war. How?
They take over the Acropolis of both cities, where the treasuries were located, so no $$ - and NO SEX FOR ANY MARRIED MEN!
How about no meals and no sex until he agrees to couples counseling - even if you have to go stay at a friend's house? You can dp the other chores, including shopping, when you know he is at work.
Just a suggestion.
Ike
Honestly Rockrose, I disagree with you. First of all, generalizations like that make me very uncomfortable. Sex should be a part of marriage but something that is mutually agreed upon. Maybe a spouse with less libido can participate more often and a spouse that is an every day sort can settle for less. If a compromises that result in a working relationship. Otherwise, where is the respect for the other? I know that I would not stayed married to someone that did not respect me. I'm not much younger than you Rock and I don't see sex as my duty but as a part of intimacy in our marriage. And frankly, I don't think all men are as simple as you describe. My husband would not be interested in sex with me if he thought I was just "giving in and holding my breath until its over."
As to the poster, I'd go the communication and schedule route and consider a marriage therapist that will guide you as a couple to a point of compromise. It isn't abuse for a husband to want sex. It isn't wrong for a woman to not be in the mood. But it is an issue that a couple must work out. good luck
As to the poster, I'd go the communication and schedule route and consider a marriage therapist that will guide you as a couple to a point of compromise. It isn't abuse for a husband to want sex. It isn't wrong for a woman to not be in the mood. But it is an issue that a couple must work out. good luck
You seem to be making this personal I dont know why you need to even refer to me I am not offended by you in any respect how about you stop mentioning me ..you seem to have a problem ....
I agree with RockRose, some men just can't live without the sex. My husband look like one of them. It seems he has a same physiological requirement for sex as other people for food or sleep. You can hold your hunger for some time, but then you have to eat. I realize it, I also realize he might be not happy about sex without passion from a partner (I would be very depressed if my partner would behave like I am), but from another side I feel sometimes very frostarated about him beeing very insisting when I have absolutely no desire.
Um, that is why I am talking about compromise . . . perhaps a therapist could help you work this out. good luck
skrom, I went through several years of ZERO libido after my 3rd child was born, and it was awful, so I totally sympathize with you. It's like I would have rather cleaned the toilets than had sex, and that's the honest truth. I realized at some point how much energy it was taking me to avoid sex - not dressing cute, not sitting next to my husband, not kissing him on the cheek, not holding his hand, anything to keep him from trying to have sex.
Finally i just thought this is nuts I'll just have sex when he wants it and after a short while he stopped badgering me (that's what it felt like, honestly, badgering) and went cut back to a more reasonable intervals between sex.
I wish you well. I think this can work out, it just takes effort.
Finally i just thought this is nuts I'll just have sex when he wants it and after a short while he stopped badgering me (that's what it felt like, honestly, badgering) and went cut back to a more reasonable intervals between sex.
I wish you well. I think this can work out, it just takes effort.
I don't mean to be contradicting anyone here. I felt like after my first post I was being contradicted on purpose. Everyone's opinions are of course always welcome. I just felt like after I posted that I was contradicted. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't think so.
A major difference between men and women sexually is that a woman can be passive during the act. She does not have to be aroused. You have an especially low sexual need. Your husband's is high. You can please him passively, so where is the harm? Marriage implies a gratification of sexual need. If you constantly turn him away, given his need he will find gratification elsewhere. It would be hard to blame him.
As I posted above I disagree, you are demeaning yourself in giving way to his needs when as you say yourself that you are tired and cant face it, I suggest that you ask for some counselling to find out what the professionals have to say ...
Just wanted to note that I was giving advice to the poster and any disagreeing I did was not on purpose but because I disagreed and am trying to help the poster. I have a different point of view and was only trying to express why. As a therapist, intimacy issues come up very often. And if compromise is not part of the solution most often resentment and bitterness result. I looked at it as a situation in its entirety rather than just men see sex differently than women. I was trying to help her work around that to come to a point in which they were both satisfied with the result. If she had been willing to meet his frequency level of sex, then she wouldn't have posted. It is okay to say not this time maybe tomorrow and then try to save some energy for it. Also, she does not say what stage she is in----- whether or not she has young children and from experience (smile) I can say that this matters. So, I thought compromising rather than having no input would have better results for the poster.
Only wishing the poster the best------ truly. I respect all here and know that we all have our opinions. Being contradictory on purpose was not my intent. However, this may sound contradictory too . . . I would be inclined to "blame" a spouse for cheating no matter what the reason. Cheating is cheating and it is always wrong. Just wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't say that. LOL But not trying to step on anyone's toes!
Anyway, I hope that the poster is able to work this out so both feel good about it. best wishes
Only wishing the poster the best------ truly. I respect all here and know that we all have our opinions. Being contradictory on purpose was not my intent. However, this may sound contradictory too . . . I would be inclined to "blame" a spouse for cheating no matter what the reason. Cheating is cheating and it is always wrong. Just wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't say that. LOL But not trying to step on anyone's toes!
Anyway, I hope that the poster is able to work this out so both feel good about it. best wishes
When there is pronounced sexual incompatibility there is no simple solution. Yes, although cheating cannot be condoned, I should think that extreme frustration on the husband's part might drive him to it.
I know of a case where the situation was reversed. The wife had a high need and the husband's was low. The wife did not cheat, but lived a very unfulfilled life. Her natural good humor suffered and she was often irritable and out of sorts. She told me later that had she had a secret affair on the side it would have made for a more joyous household. Needless to say, the wife having the greater need made the situation more difficult.
I don't think the issue here is morality.
I know of a case where the situation was reversed. The wife had a high need and the husband's was low. The wife did not cheat, but lived a very unfulfilled life. Her natural good humor suffered and she was often irritable and out of sorts. She told me later that had she had a secret affair on the side it would have made for a more joyous household. Needless to say, the wife having the greater need made the situation more difficult.
I don't think the issue here is morality.
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