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Quite lenghthy butm I have a real problem and need some advice as to what actions I need to take
My BF and I have been together for 2 yrs. I have 3 children from my previous marriage and he has 1 bio daughter and 2 step kids from his previous marriage. We have been living together for 1.5 yrs. We have his daughter 3 weekends out of the month during the school year and every other week for a full seven days during the summer. His daughter is 9 and we have a very good relationship. There have been some things that I have noticed, however,and this past week a very serious issue has come up and I really need some advice.
Over the past 2 yrs I noticed that BF's daughter frequently complains of ailments anything from severe headaches to body aches to stomach aches. I have often thought that this is at times to get attention. She is very quick to turn on the tears when she doesn't get the reaction from us that she is looking for. If BF and I are sitting on the sofa watching T.V. she will get up on the sofa next to her dad and hold his hand these are just a few examples. Though I understand it is normal for her to want attention from him recently I have noticed that these behaviors have gotten worse. Her mother has recently moved her BF into their home so I don't know if that has something to do with the increased need for attention from her dad.
I have a 12 yr old a 14 yr old and a 16 yr old. They all get along quite well. She and my 12 yr are closest they video game together, at amusement parks they always ride the rides together, generally on most outings it is the two of them that we take with us as the 2 oldest ones have their own things with friends going on. This past week her and my 12 yr old hadn't been getting along....she is quite bossy at times and I think with her being here for a week at a time my 12 yr old has been needing a little space from her. This past week was the second week out of the summer that we had her.
When she is here on the weekends during the school year we sleep downstairs on the sofa with her as we don't have an extra room for her. But, it is difficult to do this when we have her all week during the summer as we both work. Last week on Thursday as we were getting ready to go to bed she asked her dad if he would sleep downstairs with him and he told her no as he had to work the next day and needed the alarm. We went ahead to bed and about 15 minutes later she came in our room and said she was scared to sleep downstairs and my BF said "you have been sleeping down stairs all week...you're fine...she then said she was scared to sleep downstairs because my 12 yr old touched her inappropriately. We both of course immediately asked her further questions to which she replied " He touched me inappropriately and my 16 yr old was awake and called him a jerkster. I immediately proceeded downstairs and asked first my 16 yr old if he had infact seen this and he said NO!! I asked my 12 yr old about the allegations and he said no. I then went back upstairs and said to BF and his daughter they both said NO. The next day I again spoke with my 16 yr old explaining to him that he neeeded to tell the truth and if he thought he was protecting his brother he isn't cause if he did do this he needs counseling. My 16 yr old replied saying that she was lying and that if he had seen anything like that he would have stopped it and told us what was going on. I then talked to my 12 yr old explaining to him that this was his chance to tell me before police and other government agengies got involved his response was " Mom I did not do what she says I did. I then talked to her she had changed the story from the previous evening and added more to the story. She said this happened a few months ago which would have been when school was in session and as I said earlier we always sleep downstairs with her on the weekends which is when we have her during the school year. She said that my 12 yr old was lying on the sofa at her feet on his back and reached his arms up and put his hand down her shorts. This did not make sense to me as it would be physically impossible for him to reach that far and twist his arm in such a way to put his hand down the front of her shorts....she then changed to say he scooched up which also didn't make sense as she said she was sleeping so how would she know he scooched up to reach. And she says his brother was awake it doesn't make sense that he would do such a thing with his 16 yr old brother sitting there awake. She then said he also did it in the car on our way home from a day out. We have a compact car so they would have been in the back seat about 18 inches away from us...she says he moved his hand close to her, unzipped her shorts, and put his hand in her shorts. I don't want to discount what she is saying and I don't want to call my 12 yr old a liar. What she describes does not make sense. The way she describes it seems A) physically impossible B) To do this in the back seat of the car with us both 18 inches away C) while his brother was sitting there awake C) she has NEVER acted uncomfortable around my 12 yr old at all!
This is a very difficult position we are in and I don't know if a 9 yr old would know to make something like this up if she is telling the truth if this is an attention getting thing if this was her way of getting her dad to do what she wanted. I am very confused and really at a loss as far as what our actions should be at this point. She is with her mom this week which gives us a little time to try and figure something out. Does anyone have any experience with this? Any advice?
all three of my kids are boys. We have three bedrooms. The two youngest boys share a room, my BF and I have a room and my oldest son has his own room. I really want to know the truth. I don't want to take sides. The way she describes the events do not make sense given that BF and I always sleep in the same room as she during the school year. Given the way my son was lying on his back at her feet it seems physically impossible to reach in such a way given that she never acts uncomfortable around him given that she didn't have an issue the week b4 last when she was with us all week and she didn't have an issue the first 4 days she was with us this past week. IDK I am so confused and I just don't know what to do.
Over the past 2 yrs I noticed that BF's daughter frequently complains of ailments anything from severe headaches to body aches to stomach aches. I have often thought that this is at times to get attention. She is very quick to turn on the tears when she doesn't get the reaction from us that she is looking for. If BF and I are sitting on the sofa watching T.V. she will get up on the sofa next to her dad and hold his hand these are just a few examples. Though I understand it is normal for her to want attention from him recently I have noticed that these behaviors have gotten worse. Her mother has recently moved her BF into their home so I don't know if that has something to do with the increased need for attention from her dad.
I have a 12 yr old a 14 yr old and a 16 yr old. They all get along quite well. She and my 12 yr are closest they video game together, at amusement parks they always ride the rides together, generally on most outings it is the two of them that we take with us as the 2 oldest ones have their own things with friends going on. This past week her and my 12 yr old hadn't been getting along....she is quite bossy at times and I think with her being here for a week at a time my 12 yr old has been needing a little space from her. This past week was the second week out of the summer that we had her.
When she is here on the weekends during the school year we sleep downstairs on the sofa with her as we don't have an extra room for her. But, it is difficult to do this when we have her all week during the summer as we both work. Last week on Thursday as we were getting ready to go to bed she asked her dad if he would sleep downstairs with him and he told her no as he had to work the next day and needed the alarm. We went ahead to bed and about 15 minutes later she came in our room and said she was scared to sleep downstairs and my BF said "you have been sleeping down stairs all week...you're fine...she then said she was scared to sleep downstairs because my 12 yr old touched her inappropriately. We both of course immediately asked her further questions to which she replied " He touched me inappropriately and my 16 yr old was awake and called him a jerkster. I immediately proceeded downstairs and asked first my 16 yr old if he had infact seen this and he said NO!! I asked my 12 yr old about the allegations and he said no. I then went back upstairs and said to BF and his daughter they both said NO. The next day I again spoke with my 16 yr old explaining to him that he neeeded to tell the truth and if he thought he was protecting his brother he isn't cause if he did do this he needs counseling. My 16 yr old replied saying that she was lying and that if he had seen anything like that he would have stopped it and told us what was going on. I then talked to my 12 yr old explaining to him that this was his chance to tell me before police and other government agengies got involved his response was " Mom I did not do what she says I did. I then talked to her she had changed the story from the previous evening and added more to the story. She said this happened a few months ago which would have been when school was in session and as I said earlier we always sleep downstairs with her on the weekends which is when we have her during the school year. She said that my 12 yr old was lying on the sofa at her feet on his back and reached his arms up and put his hand down her shorts. This did not make sense to me as it would be physically impossible for him to reach that far and twist his arm in such a way to put his hand down the front of her shorts....she then changed to say he scooched up which also didn't make sense as she said she was sleeping so how would she know he scooched up to reach. And she says his brother was awake it doesn't make sense that he would do such a thing with his 16 yr old brother sitting there awake. She then said he also did it in the car on our way home from a day out. We have a compact car so they would have been in the back seat about 18 inches away from us...she says he moved his hand close to her, unzipped her shorts, and put his hand in her shorts. I don't want to discount what she is saying and I don't want to call my 12 yr old a liar. What she describes does not make sense. The way she describes it seems A) physically impossible B) To do this in the back seat of the car with us both 18 inches away C) while his brother was sitting there awake C) she has NEVER acted uncomfortable around my 12 yr old at all!
This is a very difficult position we are in and I don't know if a 9 yr old would know to make something like this up if she is telling the truth if this is an attention getting thing if this was her way of getting her dad to do what she wanted. I am very confused and really at a loss as far as what our actions should be at this point. She is with her mom this week which gives us a little time to try and figure something out. Does anyone have any experience with this? Any advice?
all three of my kids are boys. We have three bedrooms. The two youngest boys share a room, my BF and I have a room and my oldest son has his own room. I really want to know the truth. I don't want to take sides. The way she describes the events do not make sense given that BF and I always sleep in the same room as she during the school year. Given the way my son was lying on his back at her feet it seems physically impossible to reach in such a way given that she never acts uncomfortable around him given that she didn't have an issue the week b4 last when she was with us all week and she didn't have an issue the first 4 days she was with us this past week. IDK I am so confused and I just don't know what to do.
I don't think what she is describing happened. I believe your 16 year old - who is blameless here - has no reason to lie. Also, this kind of thing doesn't usually happen in a compact car where he could be easily caught. I do wonder about the new boyfriend her mother has allowed to move in, and whether there is something going on there, with his kids or himself, or whatever.
Completely aside, you need to have a room for her. Whether that involves moving to another place, putting in a wall to divide a bedroom or living space in half (it can be easily removed to sell or reconfigure again, we did that and made two tiny rooms - worked great - got a contractor in for about a day and the room was divided). She doesn't have anywhere to "be" - and therefore, doesn't feel like a whole member of the family. Reason I say this, I have a friend (who is now 50) who was treated this way - she had to sleep on the couch for years because Grandma moved in and got her room, and everyone in the family had a room except her (some shared, but they had a permanent bed, not a couch) and she had a hard time recovering from that. In her adulthood, her mom asked what happened that made her feel so apart from the family, why she didn't fit in, and she said well I didn't have a place. I wasn't even given a bed. Everyone else in the house got to have a bed except her.
I really think this is important. As it is, she's visiting her dad, and visiting her mom's home, she doesn't really have a place to anchor. She doesn't even have a bed when she's at your home.
Completely aside, you need to have a room for her. Whether that involves moving to another place, putting in a wall to divide a bedroom or living space in half (it can be easily removed to sell or reconfigure again, we did that and made two tiny rooms - worked great - got a contractor in for about a day and the room was divided). She doesn't have anywhere to "be" - and therefore, doesn't feel like a whole member of the family. Reason I say this, I have a friend (who is now 50) who was treated this way - she had to sleep on the couch for years because Grandma moved in and got her room, and everyone in the family had a room except her (some shared, but they had a permanent bed, not a couch) and she had a hard time recovering from that. In her adulthood, her mom asked what happened that made her feel so apart from the family, why she didn't fit in, and she said well I didn't have a place. I wasn't even given a bed. Everyone else in the house got to have a bed except her.
I really think this is important. As it is, she's visiting her dad, and visiting her mom's home, she doesn't really have a place to anchor. She doesn't even have a bed when she's at your home.
Weather or not the 9 year old was in appropriatly touched by your 12 year old she needs to go to a therapist that deals with children. If she is making it up there may be a reason why for example maybe she being inappropriatly touched at home etc.. I think it will help keep us posted.
No I always believe the child .unless its proved otherwise .it may be a good idea to speak to her Doctor
Right!! Something is amiss. I would never say I don't believe her but, at the same time the story doesn't add up. Do you think this is something a 9 yr old would just make up?
well in my opinion some thing is amiss...I think that there is something in this story and if it were me I would certainly be aware and keep my eyes open.I wouldn't put the blame on her, you probably will not get at the truth but definately make sure she is not left with them .as you say it is confusing and they may not tell the truth, all you can do is nip it in the bud and make sure if anything did happen it doesn't happen again ..good luck sounds like you have your hands full
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