I am trying to decipher if I was sexual abused as a child. I feel like I have no memories as a child probably because I started to block them out so young.
We were hit all the time, across the face, pants pulled down and spanked, emotionally damaged from words, neglect and spiritual brainwashing.
Memories I have they are all of being afraid, lots of anxiety, headaches, stomach aches etc.
I have never had a relationship with my dad. I was told he was never there but when he was he was angry.
For some reason it seemed like he hated me the most but talked more sexual with my sister.
A memory I have that I discussed with my sister is that when we were 3 or 5 we all shared a room (my 2 other sisters) and I was to the left of my younger sister. My dad came in. I remember it was dark and it felt late but I couldnt sleep. He got her out of bed pulled down her pants and spanked her, then rubbed her butt then spanked her etc. Well that is what I felt I saw, not sure if there was more.
My sister was babysitting an 18 month old child about a year ago and we are now in our 30's. She started to have this strong feeling to strangle this child, she had thoughts of this child being pathetic and a loser, worthless etc. When she was down from England over the weekend we had talked about stuff as we both believe we were sexually abused. When we looked at pictures of us trying to remember stuff pictures of me around 3-5yrs old reminded her of the 18 month old kid. I was the one that she felt that way about. She started crying and couldnt understand why she felt that way.
I also told her that when we were younger we would fool around mimicking sex with out clothes off french kissing with her being the aggressor and on top. She got upset again and said she doesnt remember it. She also told me she did something like that to a friend and her friend told her to stop and she wouldn't. She feels shame about all of this and we both end up confused not being able to remember anything.
My dad has always talked about sexual things with her but never to me. He has more anger towards me for some reason and I dont know why. I feel my mom knows more but she wont tell us just kept saying we had happy childhoods and that her and my dad were in love and I know that is not the case, she is trying to kid herself as she is an enabler and let him abuse us.
As a child I remember masturbating all the time. With table legs (embarrassing :() and banisters etc and I don't know why. I started I think around 8 or 9 I think and was terrified of someone finding out. I never inserted objects nor do I have any memories of someone touching me just a disgusting feeling when my dad is around. I have always felt that way.
Would hypnotherapy help me remember? I have an appointment for that in 2 weeks.
I have tried to find answers since I was 15 but I feel like everyone is tight lipped and if it did happen they dont want that to come out.
All of us girls have issues now. My older sister was always a loner and would stay in her room all the time only yo be diagnosed with Schizophrenia and depression in her 30's. My middle sister has anxiety attacks and likes to be alone. Me I like my space and I have emotional walls up that I wont let people in with OCD, Manic depression, Anxiety, GAD etc.
I know we were neglected, abused but I need to know for my own mental well being if I was molested as a child.
How do you know?