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136956 tn?1425609872

Sexual abuse or Emotional, physical and Spiritual abuse?

I am trying to decipher if I was sexual abused as a child. I feel like I have no memories as a child probably because I started to block them out so young.

We were hit all the time, across the face, pants pulled down and spanked, emotionally damaged from words, neglect and spiritual brainwashing.

Memories I have they are all of being afraid, lots of anxiety, headaches, stomach aches etc.

I have never had a relationship with my dad. I was told he was never there but when he was he was angry.

For some reason it seemed like he hated me the most but talked more sexual with my sister.

A memory I have that I discussed with my sister is that when we were 3 or 5 we all shared a room (my 2 other sisters) and I was to the left of my younger sister. My dad came in. I remember it was dark and it felt late but I couldnt sleep. He got her out of bed pulled down her pants and spanked her, then rubbed her butt then spanked her etc. Well that is what I felt I saw, not sure if there was more.

My sister was babysitting an 18 month old child about a year ago and we are now in our 30's. She started to have this strong feeling to strangle this child, she had thoughts of this child being pathetic and a loser, worthless etc. When she was down from England over the weekend we had talked about stuff as we both believe we were sexually abused. When we looked at pictures of us trying to remember stuff pictures of me around 3-5yrs old reminded her of the 18 month old kid. I was the one that she felt that way about. She started crying and couldnt understand why she felt that way.

I also told her that when we were younger we would fool around mimicking sex with out clothes off french kissing with her being the aggressor and on top. She got upset again and said she doesnt remember it. She also told me she did something like that to a friend and her friend told her to stop and she wouldn't. She feels shame about all of this and we both end up confused not being able to remember anything.

My dad has always talked about sexual things with her but never to me. He has more anger towards me for some reason and I dont know why. I feel my mom knows more but she wont tell us just kept saying we had happy childhoods and that her and my dad were in love and I know that is not the case, she is trying to kid herself as she is an enabler and let him abuse us.

As a child I remember masturbating all the time. With table legs (embarrassing :() and banisters etc and I don't know why. I started I think around 8 or 9 I think and was terrified of someone finding out. I never inserted objects nor do I have any memories of someone touching me just a disgusting feeling when my dad is around. I have always felt that way.

Would hypnotherapy help me remember?  I have an appointment for that in 2 weeks.

I have tried to find answers since I was 15 but I feel like everyone is tight lipped and if it did happen they dont want that to come out.

All of us girls have issues now. My older sister was always a loner and would stay in her room all the time only yo be diagnosed with Schizophrenia and depression in her 30's. My middle sister has anxiety attacks and likes to be alone. Me I like my space and I have emotional walls up that I wont let people in with OCD, Manic depression, Anxiety, GAD etc.

I know we were neglected, abused but I need to know for my own mental well being if I was molested as a child.

How do you know?
5 Responses
Avatar universal
I think the therapy will be a good thing. You say you slightly remember these things but are second guessing yourself, my guess would be because you tried to block these memories out for your own protection. I have always felt uncomfortable around my brother, he talked to me about sex a lot and would slap my butt all the time and rub my thighs when I was younger. I tried to shrug it off but finally told someone and sometime after it stopped. I just found out about a week ago that I was in fact molested by him at the age of 2. As soon as my family told me, I remembered. My aunt said he has always been obsessed with me.

It took a 3 hour conversation after 16 years of silence for me to remember. My counselor as a kid told my parents that I would remember on my own someday. I think the hypnotherapy will help a lot.

Sorry you're struggling with this, I am as well. Best of luck to you.
535822 tn?1443980380
I agree with rosey that some therapy would be the way to go for you...rosey could also use some, if you were told you wre abused at 2 year old rosey why didnt your parents stop it ?
13167 tn?1327197724
ticked,  you have a generalized realization that you were abused and neglected - and probably the best way to move forward from there is to seek therapy for those things.

Recovered memories from a trauma don't tend to be correct - rather,  the brain is taking a suggestion and "guessing" and filling it in.  Since it sounds like there's no one who could really help you verify that a memory is correct,  it doesn't seem to be a positive way to go with therapy.

It doesn't seem there's anyone who could verify further memories,  or could fill in the gaps in things you don't remember.

I'd start with Bad Childhood,  Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and see if that gives you some insights in how to begin to heal.

Best wishes.
136956 tn?1425609872
Thanks for the advice. I am sorry that your brother did that to you. I get that same feeling around my dad. It is an icky feeling and I have always had it.

I read toxic parents and now I am on to Discovering your inner child which has really helped me start healing.

The problem is I want the truth of what happened to me because I always believed something was wrong and either my mother is protecting him and other people know about it and are all hush hush as that is the way they are or I am losing my mind and have been for over 20yrs now.

Something isnt right with all three of us (sisters) my sister gets those same feelings too. My other sister still lives with them and is controlled and treated like crap by them and she is schizophrenic. I feel bad for her because she will never heal mentally from my other sister and I are healing from if she doesnt leave. However she cant take care of herself so I dont see that happening any time soon.

I have my appt for hypno Jan 28th, I am not expecting to get anything out of my mind but I sure would hope something did.  
13167 tn?1327197724
Ticked, I think everyone has to come up with their own plan for moving forward and healing hurts,  but if I were you I would reconsider getting the hypnosis.

Studies have pretty conclusively proven that if you can't remember something,  your brain will "create" a truth - complete with visual images - that isn't the truth of what really happened in the past.  And it will feel for all the world EXACTLY like a true memory to you.

Since your mother is unwilling to discuss your past with you,  and it sounds like your sister doesn't know or remember enough to help,  I think you should consider therapy that just acknowledges past abuse and gives you strategies to deal with the pain and recovery.

You are walking into a therapy that is likely to fill your mind with stark,  horrifying visual images that are probably not even the truth.

Best wishes.  You probably know what feels like the way to heal yourself,  I just wanted to offer that thought.
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