Suicide

[pdr7686]

I have suffered from physical and emotional abuse when I was a child. Then, I got older and was mentally abused so bad that I cried and cried begging this person to stop. They con't and I finally decided I could not take it any longer. I have tried to commit suicide several times. Matter of fact, I just came home from the hospital a couple of days ago. I can not seem to let go of the abuse I have suffered and still are. When I come home from the hospital I found out that my family had decided not to have anything to do with me just because I did NOT allow visitors -- there was only 1 person that could see me. Am I not allowed to do this? Sounds like trying to "control" me. What do you think? They wanted to have me committed plus ....... People just do not understand when they have not been in your shoes!! Yes, I am angry and need a place to vent!

[zeeonly]

I'M SORRY TO HEAR OF THE EXPIERENCE THAT U HAD AND ARE STILL GOING THROUGH.YA KNOW THAT THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER AND THERES A BIG WORLD OUT  THERE AND SO MANY PEOPLE THAT R WILLING TO HELP U ONLY HAVE TO ASK AND THEY'LL COME RUNNING. PLEASE DON;T GIVE UP I KNOW THEYRE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT LUV U .AND KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THRU. IF U NEED TO TALK PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME.
                                ZEEONLY1

[Amphitrite]

Welcome to the community! We are so glad you have found is here. It's [refectly okay to be angry and nedd to vent. I could use some if that mtself right now!

I'm so sorry that the you;ve bot only seperieneced abyse as a young child but that you still are. And that as a result of that abuse you had to be in hospital.
That must have been very frightning for you.

And it is true that unlss you've been there, it's very difficult to understand so I'm glad you found us as we do understand how your feeling and what your going through right now.

I do want to say that, unfortunity however had we may wish and prat to ket go of whats happened and just move on, take alot of hard work looking inside yourself with a good therapist and psychiatrists(if you feel you may want to be treated for anxiety of depression).

Sometimes I wish I could all just stuff it away and move on like I had been doing, but I realized by doing that I was hurting myself more becuase it would always find a way to seep out nd effect my relationships, family, job.etc.

So maybe during your physical healing process while you getting your strength back, you might want to get a book abouty healing from abuse( I forget the anme but I know someone else will). And then maybe call around for a good therapis tha can work with you through this healing process.

I'm so sorry your family has turned there backs on you because of your only seeing one visitor.
That would make me very angry also. But you know anger is a cover word for hurt. And either way you have ever right to feel angry and/or hurt.

But make sure you concentrating on you, Because right now you are teh most important person and your well being needs to come first.
Thise who aren't supportine you, you can temporarily decide that your going to surround yourself with only those supportive and understanding people so that you know when you ned help they'll be there for you.
And you always have us here! And we do care about you,

If you are feeling suicidal, please make sure you call someomne you trust to talk to about this or a crisis line or even go to the ER and tell them this is the way you've been feeling and you need help.
I know you said you just got out, but there is absolutly no shame n going back in to take care of YOU.
Youe important and wothry and it is possoble to heal from the abuse.

But first you ahve to make sure your safe.

Can I ask you a question? In the hospital did they work with you on your abuse or refer yo to someone you can see when they discharged you?

If you feel safe enough where you aren't going to end your life then please make that call.


And please keep talking to us here. You deserve to have so many wonderful things in life and to be happy, turly happy. And it's possible. But first you'll hve to start the process of healing.
Maybe check out our health pages on the top of the screen for some info. And if you need help finding resources let me know and I may be able to help you with that dependingg on what area you live. (well do that through PM if that's what you would like some help withaaaa/

Big Bear Hugs

Amph

[pdr7686]

I have a Psych and a Social Worker and have for several years but just can not get over all this esp. since things are eating at me every day. I have read several books. You stated angry is another word for hurt -- you are right -- well I am very hurt -- anybody would be. I am trying to still get over all this.


Thanks to both of you -- God Bless You.........Pam

[Amphitrite]

Yes of course anyone would be angry and hurt.
Everyons is entitled to any feelings they have. No matter what they are.

pdr, something struck me about your post..your saying you still can't get over it. And it made me think that maybe your looking at this wrong. And what I mean is that maybe your expecting to get over it is keeping you from moving forward because it's not the kind of thing that we get over. It's something we can heal from but not "get over".

You can stop it from eating away at you, but it's a different process for everyone and for some ot takes years and years. Everyone reacts differently to this, copes differently, and heals differently.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get over it and move on. Maybe think more about how to cope with it so it's not eating away at you constantly. And I sure understand that feeling. It's happening to me now, everyday I feel it taking over poeces of me and chewing at them.

Small steps. The healing process needs to be in small steps. It took me 5 years of therapy before I would even talk about it and now I know it may take me alot more to deal with it.
But that's the great thing about therapy and healing, it's done in our time, at our pace.

But first we have to learn not to put pressure on ourselves or to expect ouselves at some point to get over it.

I'm always thinking (because I repressed all my childhood and it's coming back in litttle pieces anf flashbacks and even in weird nightmares that make no sense), I keep thinking I have to know who..I have to know who did this to me so I can move fprward and get over it and move on.
And my Godmother who's trained in abuse told me to slow down and stop putting so much pressure on myself. That by putting that pressure on myself I'm making it harder on myself because I'm making these expectations and when I don't meet them I feel like I'm failing, weak or list can go on...

We need to look at this process in these little steps of learning how to cope in a health way so we don't always feel badly about ourselves inside and then take it from there.

Everyones process is different. And that's okay. Like I said, there's no time limit here. What your going through is very normal and your not alone at all.

But please don't put such expectations on yourself to get over it and move on.
It just doesn't happen like that because of what we've been through.

Have you read some of the health pages annaE has done?

Keep talking here. It's what's been helping me. I've had some really hard nights on here (and nights are always the hardest for me). But knowing I have a place to come and people to talk to who understand, has relaly made me feel a little better about making it through teh day and what I'm going through.
Because now I know I'm not alone.

Your not alone either so please just keep talking about whatever you need to. Personal message us, or talk here. It doesn't matter as long as you get it out however you can.

Hugs, Amph

[AnnaE]

This is a very difficult time for you. Even though I have had much excellent therapy, I have still had a lot of anger. A psychiatrist helped me identify that this summer. I went to her for meds because I had a recent terrible loss and I was abuse by an MD who was supposed to be helping me.

I told the pshcy that I was so anxious. She said she thought it was anger. I t old her that I could not feel the anger because I did not know what to do it. I figured out that recognizing it was a big step. To deal with it, I had always swam a lot and walked a lot, and I had started getting the people who made me angry in the present out of my life--except for my daughter, because I will always be her mother.

I am telling you this, because it has help me, along with meds, to feel that I do not deserve the **** that I was getting  AND THE HUGE LOAD OF CRAPAND DECEPTION THAT i GOT WHILE GROWING Up. I have fewer suicidal thought now. When I am sick now, I pamper myself, instead of wnating to kill myself out of anger, and because of the fact that no on helps me when I  am sick. I have people who care whom I can talk to, and this give me the confidence to know I can take care of myself.

We are here for you, to give you comfort and support. I talked about myself, only because I thought it would help you. I do not want suidice, because I do not want/deserve to suffer any more.

Anna

[Amphitrite]

Oh by the way Pdr..thanx so much for your comment on our letter about the forum..we feel we're speaking for the whole fprum and not just us.

Because this fprum is about us and for us and were here for eachother

[teko]

lAre you currently on meds? If so, have you relayed to your dr. that you feel suicidal? Sometimes a med adjustment is needed. i HAVE HEARD said that depression is anger turned inward.  In my personal experiences I have found this to be true. I can remember being where you are. The hopelessness and despair are like nfo other. That black cloud is all consuming. Everything and everyone seems to be out to hurt us. You are in a very fragile state right now, so please stay in contact with your doctor. I went thru alcoholics annymous at one point. This is a 10 step program that helps also. I was never a drinker but the program is worth noting. Just another option for when you feel more stable. Hugs.

[margypops]

Hi Pdr  life gets tough doesnt it, I am so sorry you are feeling bad, we have spoken before, I am glad you can come to friends for chat and help, thats why we do this ,dont feel bad about venting we all need to sometimes ,its okay, when you really feel down focus on something completly not about you, distract your self with anything else, it is often our thoughts that cause the mischief, let me know how you are today,I agree with Teko that sometimes meds need adjusting as they certainly can have side effects of making you feel bad, thinking about you.

[pookyx]

I just want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel.  I have been abused as a child, and all through my adult life.  I have finally had the courage to ask for help because this time it such serious abuse.  He refuses to divorce me, he threatens me.  When I call the cops, they abuse me and put me in jail. I pressed charges several times, none of them ever were put on him. I have had to go to jail 3 times because of him abusing me.  Also the cops have even said things about all the bruises on me, and why is he still here, and the holes in the walls, I tell them but they don't believe the true way he is.  I went to the only shelter in town, the lady that runs the shelter got very rude and kicked me out because I told her what the cops did to me.  But another nice lady at the shelter had even said it is commonly known a lot of cops in this town are abusers themselves.  I had to take myself to the ER last night he hurt my back so bad.  At the ER the cops came in and told me if I want to press charges, AGAIN, I can, and they sighed, that I could, but they stressed, and I quote, "it is his house and if he wants to break the windows to get in he can do it, it is his right, if he wants to set it afire, it is his right".  I swear, the legal system in this town has done nothing but protect the abuser, I have had no help from the legal, law, family, or friends.  I have a large family, not one person cares if I am alive.  I have lost my daughter to my x because of this.  I have tried twice to kill myself.  I know how you feel, trust me, mine also abused me financially, my only income is social security disability, yet now all the bills, house, 2 cars, $30,000 in credit card debt, medical, that we have are in my name because his credit was too bad.  And nobody believes he is such a bad person, they think I am lying.  I give up.  I have no dime to my name to move away, eat, nothing.  I called a shelter out of town, told my story, the lady had the gall to tell me I couldn't stay there, it was full.  I give up.  

[AnnaE]

I wish I knew what to say. Have you considered a church as a source for help?Yi=ou do not need to take on their religion. Sounds like no family will halp. You need to get away from him. Could you work part times if he stopped hurting you. Call the 211 community resources number in your area to get some counseling. You also have medicare. Some insurance policies will acceot that. Our battered women's center ahs a counseling line. So does the university. Sometimes nonstudents can slip in on that.It is so hard, but I really bekieve you can find some help, I was abuse by my family and then my husband. However, I found money to leave him.Yet times after that were very tough.

Writ back. Others will answer you also.

[pdr7686]

sorry it has been a while since i have been in touch

Amph - you are welcome for my comment on the forum - reading it was what made me to decide to write & share my story of what i have recently been through
I am going through the stages of healing instead of "get over it" - i am sorry you are having to go through this also - yes, we do make small steps at a time - thank you for sharing your life situation - some people do repress there childhood
Thank you all for being here for me to help heal from all this -- being molested as a child,
and other men because i did not know any better - physical abuse where my mother beat us kids because she was drunk and as i got a little older verbal abuse where i guess i was so weak that i let a person talk to me about how bad i was until i could do nothing but cry & cry and beg them not to talk to me as they were doing

[pdr7686]

Sorry to read about your loss and the dr. abusing you
you stated you got all the people out of your life except for your daughter - this must have been hard even though for you that is what you had to do - Thank you for talking about yourself and sharing
you are right I do not want to commit suicide either but sometimes I feel it would be the best thing for me to do - my family knows the triggering buttons to push that i just explode

Thanks  God Bless you
Pam

[AnnaE]

I am so glad Amph helped you.

My mother was schizophrenic and my father suffered from depression. My mother verbally and emotionally abused me until she died. My mother and father beat me on a regular basis--probably a smokescreen for the sexual abuse by my fathers and brothers. My brothers and sisterd did things like sick dogs on me and tried to crush me by getting on top of me--all four at once. I remembered all these things but did not emotionally deal with them at 30. I never laughed much and I could not cry. I was depressed all the time. I went into therapy because I wanted to be a better mother. I had blocked out a lot, even thought I remembered a lot.
I never spoke back to my parents because i thought they would kill me. I never got love from anyone in my family. My father and mother knew I was very intelligent, and they said this, but this is not love. they did not love me. The brother next to me was very, very abused also and he died of alcoholism. He could not deal with the feeling from what happened to him. His own father made fun of his club foot. Tragically, my brother later emotionally abused his son.

The abuse has profoundly affected my life. One of the things we have to be careful of is revictimization. I di not know how to make a marriage, yet I had to leave my family at 39 because I felt I was going to die from the horror I had kuved with. One of the best events in my life was going to group therapy at about 26. I never dreamed I could be considered normal. Yet my group taught me I was. male and female, one of the best parts. This made me feel I could be with people.

I have had triumphs and sorrows, as everyone has. Important life events trigger feelings about the abuse and lack of love. I will never really believe I have a child. I love her so much.

In the last 24 hours, I have had some very stressful news. I am depressed  and crying, but not suicidal. I do not want to see or talk to anyone because I do not want to share my sorrow. I could talk to a counselor and another survivor and that helped a lot. Sometimes the challenges we face can semm too much. I still go through the same things that you face--the depression, maybe the hopelessness. I am fighting it now by taking care of myself, I have gone without sleep and regular meals because of all this stress.

I will take care of myself now, and I hope you are better. I will post something relevant below.

Anna

[pdr7686]

Teko: Yes, I am on meds and have been for many years and I have a very good T

[pdr7686]

Margypops - I do not know when we spoke but I think we have

Yes, life is a real struggle - I usually do not talk about my childhood years and do not know what made me decide to write what I did that morning - about me taking a O/D which is not the first time - all I know is something happened in my brain and I just exploded - usually, I am the type person that keep everything bottled up inside of me

[pdr7686]

I do not know what to say except I am sorry you are having to go through all this

[pdr7686]

I am sorry you just received some bad news which has caused you to become very depressed and crying - I am here for you if you want to talk

Life is really hard and it sounds as though yours has been very hard

[AnnaE]

I think that the only thing that can save us is love. That is why I am an educator. My teachers loved me and saved me. Now I teach my students about ideas that can buil theur lives, and help them.

I meant to say I had to leave my family at 20, not 39.

Thanks for your caring. I worry that my efforts to secure my financil future are so difficult, but the reason I fear not having enough money, is that I am afraid that this will give others the opportunity to abuse me again. That I will be like a child again, I have lost the sight in one eye, due to medical negligence, in the last ywR. iT HAS MADE MY LIFE MORE DIFFICULT.

I tell myself that I am still me, and that is good for me to hear. I HAVE NOT REALLY CHANGED. mY SOUL AND MY SPIRIT ARE THE SAME.

[pdr7686]

I am sorry you lost eye sight

[AnnaE]

Thanks for you kind words.

[AnnaE]

Ask your therapist about group, expecially a group for survivors right now. I think that this would help you. I wish you could tell your family that you will take only love and acceptance from them right now.

There are therapies for all you have suffered. I think that group would help you greatly, so that you could heal, and expact contacts with others. Through relationships and even work sometimes, we get to know our talents and our inner beauty.

Of course, you need to exercise caution, also.

[pdr7686]

Thank you for your word of advice

[pookyx]

I am back, I went out of town to try and find a place to live to get away from him and get job applications.  I called the home security people to double check to make sure all was ok before I left, but when I got back, he had broken in my home, two of my windows are busted.  My car is scratched.  Some of my items are gone.  But the cops say nothing they can or will do, no proof, they have sided with him throughout the whole time.  I am so fed up with this.  It seems like this is a no win situation, I got a protective order, but it does no good, all it did was give him more reason to not help with the bills he built up.  

[pdr7686]

I am sorry you are having to go through with this situation.

I do not think it fits with the original subject "suicide" though

Maybe if you posted by yourself you may get some response back