Verbal abuse?

[Quitelife]

My husband is an alcoholic. When he is drinking he is condescending, controlling and talks down to me. If I respond he tells me it's no big deal. In the past I've gone to spend a few hours with friends and he called their house to tell me I needed to come back because I did not have a reason to be there. this was done while we were visiting my family so my parents heard him talking to me like this. According to my husband there is no such thing as verbal abuse.  Are these type of actions verbal abuse?

[margypops]

Hi ashes I too was a child of verbal abuse ...I didnt let it affect my adulthood, I have always been a confident , normal person, but the shouting and rages from my father to my mother  made me very afraid through my childhood . I think having had a great protective mother helped me become what I am today I didnt allow a past to control my life ..

[ashes60751]

When I was growing up the first memory I have is my father being abusive to my mother. This was a mixture or verbal and physical. Most people would think that the physical is way worse than mental, but I am in the middle on this. Even from the age of five I knew that what was happening was wrong. I saw verbal abuse tear my mother apart. I found journals about the verbal abuse and how my mother wanted to kill herself. Seeing something like this first hand since I was a child, my advice would be to get out. NOW. You need the real beauty in life anymore, you need to learn what it is like to be happy again, and THAT is a beautiful thing.

[Quitelife]

Thank you for all of the comments. You also gave me good advice. Now it's up to me to make the move and put myself in a place for the quite life I crave.

[allmymarbles]

You have to allow yourself to be abused. It is a two-way street. And as for "not letting you visit your friends and family," most women would walk out the door and do it anyway. And remember, in this case we are not talking about physically violent abuse. So we have to ask ourselves why we allow ourselves to be pushed around in the first place.

[lalila]

Of course there is such a thing as verbal abuse. Not only that, he is manipulating and controlling you by not letting you visit your friends and family. You should stay at your friends and family for a while and request him to get help. So many families and relationships are destroyed when one person has an addiction or is abusive, nip the problem earlier rather than later.

[allmymarbles]

Abuse is generally reserved for physical abuse. What your husband is is bossy and nasty. Unpleasant, but not quite the same thing, in that you are not controlled by fear.

So why do you put up with it? You can go to other people for help, but the best help comes from you. When he gets into one of his mean moods, ignore him, walk out of the room, go shopping. He would soon give up because your silence would deprive him of satisfaction. As it is, you are playing into his hands.

[RockRose]

quitelife,  I agree with specialmom,  and I'm a little surprised at how many people describe unhappy relationships and want to know if it's abusive.

What does it matter how anyone else defines it,  and why is there a desire to put a label "abusive" on an unhappy relationship?  

It feels to me, reading posts such as yours (and they do happen frequently) that there's a desire to hear "yes,  that's certainly abusive" so the poster can tell the person they're unhappy with that others also think it's abusive,  and so the person will change and stop it.

But that's not going to happen.

I agree with SM.  If you don't have any kids and aren't pregnant,  just get out of this - you're unhappy and he's unlikely to change.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, living with an alcoholic is terrible a lot of the time.  There is a forum by that very title here at med help where you will find many in the same boat either now or in the past----  you may find this very helpful.  You can either look to the right of this page in the section marked "related forums" and it would read "Alcoholic, living with a" or you can go to the top and hit forums, and once you pull up the page, look on the left side in the member communities.

So, why are you staying with him?  I ask that because not everyone would live with someone that abuses any substance including alcohol and definately would not be questioning if it was okay for them to be nasty when drunk/high.

Of course it is abusive and a consequence of his alcohol use.  He's also most likey depressed as those two things almost always go hand in hand.  You can't treat alcoholism without looking at the underlying reasons for why the dependency started.  

So, why have you chosen to stay with him after he refuses to stop drinking and / or acknowledge that he is a jerk when he drinks?  

I suggest al anon for you as a starting point to get stronger and to start thinking about this addiction of his in a healthy way (as in, it is NOT okay).  good luck dear.  this is a long and hard road, I know.  Peace