Is this abuse?

[Nikita0601]

I have been married for 12yrs and have 2 kids. My husband is very funny and the star of all parties; makes me laugh all the time. but when angry he is unable to control his temper and starts cursing calling names and even hit me. I am not perfect either when it comes to chores. I am not good cleaning person and make mess in the kitchen and my closet and I get late when we have to go somewhere. These are things he told me many times to improve upon and I have been trying my best; but I still make careless mistakes.Its like he ignores 2-3 times but if it happens again he becomes aggressive. When I make a mistake like  yesterday I forgot to close the garage door and forgot to switch on the light when my son was watching TV; he looses his cool and starts to call me names and cusses me because I compromised on safety and health (eyes) of my kid. I also reacted and yelled at him for reacting that way. My 10 yr daughter started crying and my husband came rushing towards me as if to hit me. She stopped him and kept yelling and crying. I was really sad and worried about what she goes thru seeing me hit and cursed like this. She and I can't call 911 for help coz he is the only earning member and i can't either work due to immigrant visa; Also he is not like that all the time. when it comes to kids he is a good father never hurts them n' loves them a lot. He is a perfectionist. Earlier i used to take the beating, cry for a little while. Then I started to hit him back so that he would not hit me in front of my kids. but didn't work for long. Now my daughter tries to come in middle, cries and argues with him to avoid hitting me. afterwords he becomes fine and starts behaving loving and tells me isorry and asks me to say sorry and also tells me if hadn't done that he would not have reacted that way. I am worried for my daughter. she told me that its too much for her and she has try to save me and loves dad too. I have never told my family or friends about this nor do I want to involve law department. I just wanted to be able to tell somebody about this that's all. what to do?

[Nikita0601]

Thank you for providing the resource. I will start from there.

[adgal]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  And yes, absolutely this is abuse.  I know your scared - you wonder how you will support your child, what you will do on your own.  I looked at your profile and see you are from Atlanta.  Here is the link to a very good resource in your city.  They can and will help.  You don't have to make any decisions right now, but give them a call and talk to them.  I wish you all the best.

http://www.wrcdv.org/

[lalila]

its definitely abuse. I think you should get to a womans shelter.  Dont worry that you are not working, just work out how to be safe. Its better being unemployed than threatened everyday. work out a way to get your kids to safety, a grandparents home or relative, they shouldnt watch that abuse.  They shouldnt have to go through that, you shouldnt either.  Just have to go, no excuses.  I left without money too i was a poor student, i went away to travel and just wander, i actually felt better. the first time i wasnt crying most of the time. i didnt cry at all during my trip. it was then i realised how abusive my parents were. even if i had to survive on bread rolls and chocolate and sleep on some floors it was kind of worth that. and u dont even need to do that. u just need to find a shelter or friend kind enough to help you.  you need to do that asap.

[margypops]

Abuse , think of the children definatly leave or let CPS take them

[specialmom]

I agree with allmymarbles, it is very sad and I so hate for someone to feel trapped.  If you belong to a church, perhaps they can help you.

One thing I do want to mention though is that one must be careful with public humiliation of an abusive person.  That can enrage someone to new levels.  

Example, if you see someone on the street smack and cuss at their kid, it makes you bubble up with anger at that mother, and you say something to her right then and there.  Statistics show that this mother will then go home humiliated, blame the child and beat the living daylights out of them.  

What I do think could work for the poster is for her to find a couple of supportive members of the family that her husband respects.  Tell them and ask them to intervene.  Does that make sense?  It still brings the problem to light and lets him know that others are not going to sit by while he does this to her . . .  but does not humiliate him the same way (I hope).  

Or maybe that is what you meant.  LOL  But I just want her to be safe.

I wonder if our system to help battered woman would not extend its services to her?  Is that something you would think about looking into?

[allmymarbles]

This is the most difficult sort of abuse case to find a solution for, and one for which I feel truly sorry for the woman. You are trapped by your immigrant status and because you have children and no means to support them if you leave your husband.

But maybe there is help and maybe that help comes from you. One of your problems is that you feel your husband is justified in hitting you because you are not the world's best housekeeper. Well, trying to be a better housekeeper is not the answer. The reason he hits you is because he can. So you need (1) to stop blaming yourself and (2) to find help.

In your case the help would most likely come from friends and family. If you made no secret of how your husband behaves he will be subjected to public humiliation. Since your husband is not an out-and-out loony that might work very well. So spread the word and stop apologizing

[lisaob1]

hi im so sorry for what your having to go through but it most definitely is abuse. he has no right to treat you this way..and i know its hard to accept that someone that you love can hurt you this way and it then becomes harder to walk away as you probably always hope and believe things will change... they seldom do and if your feeling so unhappy and its affecting your children then you have to find the strength to put an end to this...its not right and its not fair on you or your children...keep strong and know your worth so much more than this..with very best wishes x

[specialmom]

Absolutely, this is abuse.  Many abusive men have alternating sides . , .  sweet, cruel, remorseful, violent, contrite, angry, etc.  That is the pattern.  I'll keep my advice short-----   he's a man that hits the woman he is with.  You need to leave him.  Flat out.  Love does not conquer all.  It's simply an emotion.  I've loved a few people in my life and you will too.  Staying with someone that uses his words to hurt you and bully you is bad enough but when he actually takes it to a physical level----   that IS a deal breaker.  

Did you have a volatile home growing up?  I just ask because patterns repeat.  Most would be gone the first time someone struck them.  That you are asking if it is abuse makes me worry about some unhealthy thinking on your part.  

You deserve a man that would never hurt you.  peace and good luck dear