Spousal Abuse - Help please!

[jander]

Ok, first of all I m a guy and have been married for 11 years to my wife.  We have two children, 3 and 5 years of age.  I am not an angel and in no way am I perfect. I have never hit my wife and I have a hard time raising my voice.  Even when arguing, I do not yell and scream.  We have been in counseling for the better part of 7 years.  My wife is controlling, suspicious and has an anger issue.

I have put myself into a situation to where my wife controls the finances and I have no idea what is happening.  I have asked to be involved in this, but she has not let me be a part.  Our counselor has even tried to talk her into it.  Everytime we go to counseling she attacks me and/or my actions and starts yelling and crying.  The therapist has asked her to keep it down over ten times because she was interrupting other peoples sessions.  Whenever she does not get her way she yells at me an starts crying.  She yells at me in front of our children and I do my best to stop the situation.  She has hi me in front of our children and she justified it by saying I deserved it.  Recently I was napping on the sofa after working in the yard for about three hours and I woke up to a sharp pain in my mouth.  She had walked up to me and smash me in the mouth with a full water bottle.  

My wife is jealous and calls me often, sometimes up to 10 times per day just to check on me.  When she calls she wants to know where I am, what I am doing and who I am with.  I feel like I am giving a status report.  I used to travel for work and this is when it got really bad.  She would call at odd times and demand that I stop everything and tell her where I was and who I was with.  When I did not comply I paid for it by being yelled at told that I was making the marriage more difficult.

I had to get an AMEX for work and I opened a bank account to run my expense reports through.  She took the credit card statements and ordered bank statements on the account to spy on me.  She almost got prosecuted by the bank because they caught her falsifying information.

I realize I am married, but I have no freedom.  If I take a walk, then she thinks I am up to something.  If I wanted to go out with a friend, she would make life hard on me.  I have no friends and I have no freedom.  I went to the auto-parts store while she was gone and she grilled me three days later on where I went.  I am in individual therapy and am getting help.  I know what I need to do, but I lack the ability to do it right now.  I love my children more than anything and I enjoy the time I spend with them.  My kids complete me.

My wife wants sex all of the time.  I know what you are thinking, but I am really not attracted to her anymore.  I can not stay aroused because I think about how she treats me.  I went t the Dr got Viagra and that did not even work.  

I know this is long, but I would love to hear from some of you and get your thoughts.  I have never cheated on my wife and I would never dream of doing so.  My wife and I both work, but she gets off work at 3.  I can't even go into her lack of respect for me or our house.  I dread coming home and seeing her, but love seeing my kids.

Need help.
jander

[jo929]

it sounds like your marriage does not have a chance. and if i may say so. if she is that violent, you need to get out now while you are still alive  luck  jo

[teko]

One other thing I felt I need to say to you.  If your wife is being violent while you are sleeping, you may want to find another place for you or her to go.  I would not stay there, it sounds like it could be much worse.  Next time she gets violent, call the police and she will be made to leave the premises thereby leaving you and the kids where you are.

[margypops]

Stay with that thought you do need that help now ..Good luck let us know how you are doing

[jander]

Thanks Teko and guessagain.
When I am not around my wife is good with the kids, or so I hear.  She begrudges me any happiness and I guess she takes all of her frustration on me.  I would hate for her to redirect that toward one of the kids.
I do hope I can be there anchor.  Like I said, I know what I need to do, but finding the strength and courage to do it is difficult.

We have been through a couple different therapists but seem to resort back to one guy.  The last time I went he said to me.  "Why do you keep coming back?  You just get beat down the entire hour".  To me that sums it up.

A few minutes ago my wife came downstairs to check on me.  She goes to bed around 8PM or at least she goes to be and gets on her computer.  I am sick with the stomach virus, not swine.  She rubbed my leg and I was repulsed by her touch.  it has gone too far.

I am going back to my counselor tomorrow and am going to set an appointment with an attorney next week.  It is time I do the right thing for my kids and me.

[guessagain]

I have to give you credit for what you have tolerated in order to "do the right things", I once knew a guy like you, he could take a beating, and verbal abuse from his wife and never raise his voice or strike back, sometimes not even trying to block the punches. He would just stand there till it was over and say that it was just best if she got it out of her system. Eventually they divorced and he became the rock for his kids to hang onto.

Do you have decent insurance? Who's prescribing meds for her, a GP or psychiatrist?
Maybe you've already been through it, but providing a release between a therapist and psychiatrist would enable more insight and possibly a different course of treatment for the meds. At some point you may just have to consider what's good for the kids. How does she treat the kids when she's alone with them? Your one of those guys that is between a rock and a hard place and caring keeps you there. If worse comes to worse though, you can always know that you did your best, she can carry the guilt. I hope the best for you.  

[teko]

If your wife is on anti depressants and refuses to talk to her doctor about things, then she is not trying very hard to get help. It also sounds like the therepy is not working for either of you, so I would be looking for another one.  Abuse is abuse. period. It is not healthy for the children to witness this. You need to make some decisions to take your life back. Marriage is a partnership. If not, it is not a marriage but simply a living arrangement. I do not believe divorce is the answer in most situations but let me tell you, this sounds like it has gone too far to be reversed. Hitting you with something while you sleep is way out in left field and you should have called the police.  File for divorce and custody of your children, go to the bank and get a hold of your bank statements, take your name off credit cards etc, start taking your life back. Or suffer. Your choice.

[jander]

Thanks.  I am in counseling by myself as well.  Together we have been in counseling for about 7 years.  She does not force sex on me, she just grabs me and I have to ask her to stop.  Yes, I do need to take my life back and I do take responsibility.
As far as housekeeping, I handle the yard and she does the inside, trust me it is equal.  However, she never 'feels' like cleaning, so I am stuck with that as well.

My wife is on an anti-depressant and he got better for about two weeks.  I asked her to talk to the Dr about the problem and she has chosen not to do so.

I do earn money,  I earn enough that she does not have to work, but she said she would rather work than stay home with the kids.

Any time I make a demand or set an ultimatum, she does not care.  Each time I try to take over the finances, she said she has already done it for the month.  I have been chasing this for over a year and she will not let me know what she is doing.  I feel betrayed and lied to and I feel like my money is being taken from me.  My money is direct deposited into our joint account.  We agreed to do this when we got married and I do not want to go back on my word.  I am 100% committed and forthright to the end.  I would rather deal with the internal stress than go against her.  Whenever I do, i end up suffering more.
Thanks for your response I really appreciate it.  

[margypops]

I am so sorry this is happening to you it seems as if you really need some professional help here I realse you said you are going to counseling obviously it isnt working and you may have to find some personal counselor for your self. This behavior isnt good and certainly not good for the children,it will affect them does your wife realise it will be disturbing for them to hear and see you both as I am assuming you retaliate when there is an argument. Some of this behavior is in your hands if you are earning money you do not have to hand it all over can you plan what is her house keeping and the bills and share the budget, what will happen if you tell her from now on you wnat to share in the household expenses and running of it.As for sex I dont get that bit no one can force that on you. Maybe its time to quietly take back your control,its your life aswell, if she is so unhappy is there any way you can help her feel more secure something is bothering her,.More help with a therapist may be in order.