Aa
Emotionally Abusive Mother - Support / Input
Hi, I've read a lot of the blogs, but wanted to share my situation since I have seen only somewhat similar situations but not quite one like this. I'm a bit confused as to what to do, (not sure if I'm going to be doing the right thing), so if you could please read on and let me know your thoughts?
A little background:
I grew up living with my mom (single mom). My parents separated when I was 4 years old, and there have been a few boyfriends throughout the years. There have been several addictions as well with mom and with boyfriends (including alcohol, drugs), and I have spent many a night covering my ears / listening to headphones to avoid hearing a fight. Fights included throwing glasses, ashtrays, dishes, slamming doors, punching walls, pitching entire closets of clothes off the deck, and visits from the local police dept. I’ve spent many a year tip toeing around mom, because who knew what kind of mood she’d be in at the time? Because if she woke up angry? EVERYTHING was essentially my fault because I was bad– and if I didn’t like it, it was “then go live with your father.”
I was always busted for not taking care of things like I “should have:” like not cleaning, not vacuuming, not cooking the right foods, not waking her up on time (from being passed out in drunken coma), waking her up by accident, not immediately and happiy walking one mile to the liquor store to buy her a pack of smokes – while being underage. Generally, not dropping everything to do whatever it was that she wanted at the immediate time.
There were also many, many times where I’ve had to wait for her at her work wondering where she was (at a bar? Which bar?). I’ve had phone calls from the bar to pick her up. I’ve had to call her customers to cancel or move appointments because she was at the bar. I’ve had to feed her and get her home via a train ride and a bus ride (the normal commute for us back then) at all hours of the night.
FFWD to the adult years. All the previous ‘excitement’ ended when I graduated High School. Now I am 34, and we have a whole new atomic level of Mom. Lately (past 5 years?) we cannot so much as talk on the phone without it escalating to a fight in 5 minutes or less, guaranteed. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I do / ever did is and was and will ever be not good enough and/or wrong. Every sentence from her is angry, accusatory, pointed, and downright rude. And repeated.
When she is taking her meds consistently, she is “OK”. When she mixes with alcohol, self medicates, splits pills or doubles and adds liquor, then there is a problem. And with problems comes lack of memory. Ie “Oh I didn’t say that, you’re a liar.”
And now she and my step father have fallen into rough times (bad economy for step-dad’s line of work) and need to move out of their current home or face eviction. They have little to nothing left. They’ve lost their other home to short sale. This has been an ongoing thing over the past couple of years, and because I love them, I have tried to help. Or maybe guilt, or maybe both.
I have given them my entire 401k. I have assumed their cell phone responsibilities. I have paid the back payments to their landline phone company and closed that account. I have offered to buy both of their cars, furniture, tv’s. (BTW, mom would NOT sell anything – and was seeking full retail value for NEW pricing on all of her furniture pieces).
And now, I have offered them our townhouse (currently a vacant rental – newer with upgrades) to them to live in – even retire to – in sunny San Diego. They can live off step-dad’s pension and enjoy life. BTW it is also 2 lights away from where my fiancé and I currently live.
But still, Mom shows no appreciation. I have changed jobs, moved back from out of state, requested quotes upon quotes for movers. She feels very entitled (“you SHOULD take care of me – I raised you”), and demanding (“I need different colors in each room, hardwood and travertine floors”). Constant phone calls and emails to belittle me, berate my efforts, and my home. And on and on and on.
And so here I am today feeling really bad and really guilty about thinking this: “Why should I play $2K + per month to have front row seats to the continued abuse?”
So now I don’t know what to do.
She’s all in my head and I feel like I’m not making the right decisions. It’s stressing me out and now it’s starting to make my fiancé stressed out too.
A little background:
I grew up living with my mom (single mom). My parents separated when I was 4 years old, and there have been a few boyfriends throughout the years. There have been several addictions as well with mom and with boyfriends (including alcohol, drugs), and I have spent many a night covering my ears / listening to headphones to avoid hearing a fight. Fights included throwing glasses, ashtrays, dishes, slamming doors, punching walls, pitching entire closets of clothes off the deck, and visits from the local police dept. I’ve spent many a year tip toeing around mom, because who knew what kind of mood she’d be in at the time? Because if she woke up angry? EVERYTHING was essentially my fault because I was bad– and if I didn’t like it, it was “then go live with your father.”
I was always busted for not taking care of things like I “should have:” like not cleaning, not vacuuming, not cooking the right foods, not waking her up on time (from being passed out in drunken coma), waking her up by accident, not immediately and happiy walking one mile to the liquor store to buy her a pack of smokes – while being underage. Generally, not dropping everything to do whatever it was that she wanted at the immediate time.
There were also many, many times where I’ve had to wait for her at her work wondering where she was (at a bar? Which bar?). I’ve had phone calls from the bar to pick her up. I’ve had to call her customers to cancel or move appointments because she was at the bar. I’ve had to feed her and get her home via a train ride and a bus ride (the normal commute for us back then) at all hours of the night.
FFWD to the adult years. All the previous ‘excitement’ ended when I graduated High School. Now I am 34, and we have a whole new atomic level of Mom. Lately (past 5 years?) we cannot so much as talk on the phone without it escalating to a fight in 5 minutes or less, guaranteed. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I do / ever did is and was and will ever be not good enough and/or wrong. Every sentence from her is angry, accusatory, pointed, and downright rude. And repeated.
When she is taking her meds consistently, she is “OK”. When she mixes with alcohol, self medicates, splits pills or doubles and adds liquor, then there is a problem. And with problems comes lack of memory. Ie “Oh I didn’t say that, you’re a liar.”
And now she and my step father have fallen into rough times (bad economy for step-dad’s line of work) and need to move out of their current home or face eviction. They have little to nothing left. They’ve lost their other home to short sale. This has been an ongoing thing over the past couple of years, and because I love them, I have tried to help. Or maybe guilt, or maybe both.
I have given them my entire 401k. I have assumed their cell phone responsibilities. I have paid the back payments to their landline phone company and closed that account. I have offered to buy both of their cars, furniture, tv’s. (BTW, mom would NOT sell anything – and was seeking full retail value for NEW pricing on all of her furniture pieces).
And now, I have offered them our townhouse (currently a vacant rental – newer with upgrades) to them to live in – even retire to – in sunny San Diego. They can live off step-dad’s pension and enjoy life. BTW it is also 2 lights away from where my fiancé and I currently live.
But still, Mom shows no appreciation. I have changed jobs, moved back from out of state, requested quotes upon quotes for movers. She feels very entitled (“you SHOULD take care of me – I raised you”), and demanding (“I need different colors in each room, hardwood and travertine floors”). Constant phone calls and emails to belittle me, berate my efforts, and my home. And on and on and on.
And so here I am today feeling really bad and really guilty about thinking this: “Why should I play $2K + per month to have front row seats to the continued abuse?”
So now I don’t know what to do.
She’s all in my head and I feel like I’m not making the right decisions. It’s stressing me out and now it’s starting to make my fiancé stressed out too.
Its doubtful she will change until you set some boundaries on the behavior, she does it because she can .She will appreciate you if you get tough and have time outs , thats what we do with children with some success.I am glad you are trying to get it worked out ..good luck
Yes I realize that I let her be/act this way, and I'm not sure if I can get this out in words right, but this is "normal" Mom behavior. I can't really say that I've known her any other way.
I have tried cutting her off when she gets "rude" and time passes. When I think things are understood (this is the behavior I will not accept) and we start talking again, then it just starts over. The rudeness, the fighting, etc. Then there goes another break. And the cycle begins again. Our longest break being only year. I think, to say the very least, that she will not change.
I think the worst part, the messed up part is that mad as I am at the woman, it is very difficult for me to not feel guilty about not helping her out. I am trying to put my Big Girl Pants on and do this right-- it's just a lot more difficult than I thought.
I have tried cutting her off when she gets "rude" and time passes. When I think things are understood (this is the behavior I will not accept) and we start talking again, then it just starts over. The rudeness, the fighting, etc. Then there goes another break. And the cycle begins again. Our longest break being only year. I think, to say the very least, that she will not change.
I think the worst part, the messed up part is that mad as I am at the woman, it is very difficult for me to not feel guilty about not helping her out. I am trying to put my Big Girl Pants on and do this right-- it's just a lot more difficult than I thought.
Wow.Its an abusive pattern that u have let her continue n2ur adult life.She has always been able2push u around,use guilt to get what She wants from u+she acts entitiled because u have always done all this for her.U know ur truth.She brings up u owe her cause she raised u(which u dont even if she were the best mom n the world because she chose2have a child u didnt ask2b born).She is a very good manipulator+u need2stop letting her do that.Why do u want to live so close to some1u cant get along w/4 a 5minute phone call.Im pretty sure u will lose ur fiance if she moves there,u let her treat u like this and constantly take advantage of u,u will always b miserable.And YES U LET HER TREAT U LIKE THIS.As a child u had no choice ur a grown woman now so its a choice to set+stick2limits w/her.U need boundaries.U only get treated as badly as u let urself as a grown woman.GOOD LUCK
I think that she is your mom and its better than not having one ...in my opinion, I think that you distance yourself from her and you tell her why.You do need her its obvious , and she is playing on it. So you have to get tough, you have to tell her you will only be a part of her life if she stops being abusive .and you have to mean it.Live your life and let her fit in with it, if it doesn't shrug your shoulders and tell her 'sorry that the way it is ' I do know that once we don't have Mom around we miss her and I had a super one who was the best .
I think if you continue, you will lose the fiance.
You do not owe her anything. You owe her the same love and concern she gave you, when you were a kid and she didn't take care of you. This is the bed she made, and she gets to lie it in. Don't give your money, your townhome, your concern, your time or your power to her any more.
Do you want a happy, financially secure future with your fiance, or do you want to remain single and regress into further abuse, for the rest of your mom's life?
If this message doesn't mean anything to you, please get some therapy. It can be a wonderful thing.
You do not owe her anything. You owe her the same love and concern she gave you, when you were a kid and she didn't take care of you. This is the bed she made, and she gets to lie it in. Don't give your money, your townhome, your concern, your time or your power to her any more.
Do you want a happy, financially secure future with your fiance, or do you want to remain single and regress into further abuse, for the rest of your mom's life?
If this message doesn't mean anything to you, please get some therapy. It can be a wonderful thing.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Abuse Support Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
