advice please

[Dee2747]

I was sexually abused for 7 years (5-11) and never told anyone about it. My parents found out about it when I was 14. To this day I have never cried about it, never spoken about it (aside from that one day my parents found out, and even then it was just to confirm to them that I didnt have sex with the abuser...even though I did) So this has seemed for almost my entire life that it isnt a problem aside from the fact that I have various other issues with my family and eating disorders and drugs, cutting etc... In fact the only reason I am writing on here is because I havent cut myself in 4 years unti tonight when for some reason I just started freaking out and didnt knw whatto do, i felt like I was having a panic attack and it was almost instinctual that I reached for something sharp, it was so bizarre because I havent felt like that in years. Also Ive had a shrink for 4 years and I am still seeing her, still very happy with her, yet, we have never really talked about the abuse (though she knows all about it) she refrences it sometimes but she says that to tackle that issue, we first have to tackle all the issues that may or may not have risen from that situation. Still I have no emotion towards this topic, and I feel that I have nothing to say, like its not a part of my life anymore. I guess this really isnt a question, more of just a general enquiring into anyone who may have felt o have been feeling the same thing, and what steps they are taking to overcome, or somehow deal with this. Because I know deep down somewhere there is ovbiously something wrong otherwise I would not be the way that I am...

[Dee2747]

Yes thank you, for those words, I hope you are right. I feel like im teetering on the edge of something here, after so many years of thinking I would never feel any changes, I am finally starting too. Its strange that it took so long for me, but im glad, and i feel like the process is starting to move in a positive direction. Thanks again.  :)

[Angelinthemorning]

I loved your post, very wise words that touched me also.  Thank you.

[faithfulchild]

It is not strange for persons who have been abused to turn to destructive behaviors such as  cutting to help alleviate or at least bring a measure of control to  the situation. So, in the context of being an abused person, your response was normal. However, this is not so say it was the right way to go about things but i am sure you know that already.

So the real issue here is that you have been abused and you are responding to this incident in a way that is not uncharacteristic of those persons who are abused. You also mentioned that this has not happened in four years and you have been in therapy, perhaps you need to evaluate the progress that is being made in therapy. This is not to say that the therapist is no good. On the contrary, the years you spent there were you were slowly being helped to deal with this until there was no where else for those feelings and responses to hide.  this could be the opportuned time to face your fears head on since you  have by now identified the issues which have arisen because of the abuse. Perhaps you have reached a point where you cannot escape dealing with your abuse and your body is telling you that it will not keep back all those feelings tucked away in a corner any longer. Perhaps it is telling you that you can handle it now and though for a moment you had a lapse of bad judgment and did the wrong thing, yet i know you know that you have to deal with the abuse one way or the other.

To feel distant from the experience and unemotional is not strange either. ..it is a defensive response to what would have been an emotional torture for you. As you begin to effectively deal with the situation, it will begin to feel more real to you. There is song by Casting Crown called Slow Fade...it says "People never crumble in a day"
which means that you do not fall apart all at once..it takes time for everything to reach a climax...days, weeks, months and even years....You have made a bold step by coming forward and trying to reach out to someone for help...perhaps your healing just might start here.

[Dee2747]

Thanks for your input, I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and will talk with her about it.

[teko]

You are not ok. Self harm is a cry for help. You want to punish yourself, somehow. Obviously as a child, you carry no contribution to the abuse. The abuser however, should be confronted and made to pay for their actions. Your therapist needs her head examined because obviously she is not helping you to face the very issues that you harbour deep inside yourself. You say you have no emotion one way or the other, yet you harm yourself. I say confront your therapist about the cutting and deal with your issues or get a different therapist. There is medication to help panic attacks, anxiety attacks. You need to speak with your doctor about which one would best benefit you. If you were my child and I found out about you being abused, I would have hauled you off to a doctor and had you checked for intercourse and started you immediately on therapy. Sorry, I would not believe anything a child said that did not happen during being abused, because denial, shame, embarrassment and fear of rejection all play a part in how much you are willing to tell someone.  All very common occurances for an abuse victim.

[Angelinthemorning]

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad time last night.  I think alot of us are extremely well at disassociating ourselves with the abuse.  We just tuck it away in a little corner of our mind and even sometimes can fool ourselves into thinking it never really happened.  The only problem with this, as you've found, it never really goes away.  We can go months, even years sometimes seemingly happy or "normal" when it hits us out of nowhere.  I've found with myself sometimes the smallest thing will trigger it.  Whether it's someone's voice, the way a stranger looks at me, a smell, almost anything and before I know it I'm being bombarded with all these emotions and memories of the abuse.
It's good that your in therapy and that you like her.  Definately bring it up to her next time you see her.  You might even be able to maybe redirect your "goals" for therapy.  Try talking about the abuse a little more.  Like you said, and I'm the same way...alot of my issues stem from the abuse.  Actually, all my issue stem from the abuse and the environment I was raised in...
Just remember we all handle the aftermath of abuse differently.  No one can say what is the right way for you, that's something you and a counselor can try and find.  But, harming yourself is never a good thing.  You're worth so much more than that, we all deserve to treat ourselves with more respect.  After all the **** we've been through, we've got to stand up for ourselves!!!