I Rejection from daughters

[oldregret343]

I am suffering from severe depression and it's gone from bad to worse. I am a 56 year old woman who have raised 4 children. When I was a child I was molested by my adoptive father and he stopped when I was 12. We lived in a very closed off valley and no one ever talked about such things. I grew up and married a wonderful man and had two girls and two sons. My mother and I had always had a good relationship and I still love her to this day. When I got married and became pregnant and wanted to share my children with her and came home to live just down the road with my family and though I kept a watchful eye out for any interest my adoptive father might show toward my daughter, I couldn't hardly believe he would hurt my beautiful child. I believed the only reason he hurt me was because I was an orphan, unwanted, came from a welfare home and it was OK to do whatever. He hadn't done anything for years and I thought he just sought after me and it was over. I had the rest of my family and warned my daughters very young to tell me if anyone tried to touch them. They did!!! It ruined me. I wound up in a mental hosp and of course eagerly turned it over to the police and the prosecuting attn wouldn't prosecute him because (I believe) they were both in the same church leadership callings. The cop who interviewed him called me off the record and asked me why I wasn't pressing charges and I told him the PA wouldn't and told me to just keep my children away from him, he was an old man and he refused to prosecute. The cop said (off the record) lay a civil suit on him then so people know he's a prebatrator and I did. We left that church because when it got out the kids were persecuted, I couldn't walk into a store without being stared at and shunned. I kept that law suit on him till the day he died. He immediently got heart trouble (gee I wonder why?) and court was put off. But the damage it did to the kids were awful and the girls took it worse. I had no idea it would turn out so bad. I felt so bad for bringing them back to a bad situation, I allowed them to use that to get whatever they wanted from me not to mention our whole family went out of control for years over the pain. We moved out of state and began the recovery. My boys are happy and fine, I did forgive my mother because she also was in a trap, no one to talk to and scared to death, also not knowing the full extent of what her husband was doing behind her back but my daughters reject me for forgiving her and hold so much against me. My husband and other say I need to stop trying with them that the problem is now manupulation, (we have given them 1000s of dollars, they have done whatever they wanted from early teens). I am so depressed because of how things are that I realize my whole self esteem is gone. There are times I want to die. I just lost my twin brother (only sibling) who went through so much too and if it wasn't for my husband and sons I'd die. I feel I failed, I lost two people (daughters) who mean everything to me. They say horrible things to me. Theres so much to it but my husband and sons just say let them go, they're pricks now. But how can a mother just let go? There s also 2 grand babies involved. There has been times when I thought we had recovered but I walk on eggs around them like if I do anything wrong, I'm not worth keeping around and it would be easy to just dump me. Well this last time I just talked about my childhood and the good things I remembered and my daughter told me she never wanted to hear about my childhood at all or any of those people and hasn't had anything to do with me for months. Not everyone was guilty, just one man and he's dead. If I throw it all away I have no childhood and there was good things but I slipped and just said one short thing and it's over. What do I do? Whos fault is this? I have done everything I can think of...nothing heals the past and ends it. Help me. Old Regret

[JT2311]

I was molested for years so I know where you're coming from.  The sad thing is that you can't fix other people, you can only fix yourself.  So the best thing to do now is to try therapy to help you cope with some of this pain.  You can't do it alone.  Now, not every therapist is good, so you may have to try a few times before you find one that helps.  Don't get discouraged.  Therapy has helped me immensely.

Abuse is a cycle that needs to be broken.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing every day and expecting different results.  You've been at odds with these issues for years now.  It's time to try something different.  Take steps toward positive change.  Life is about choices.  I know it's scary.  But it's all up to you to find happiness.  Good luck.

[oldregret343]

I appreciate your responses. I did go and feel somewhat better. I want to get out of this life without hate, anymore anger or causing pain. My mother has a lot to answer for. That is between her and her God. I was very honest with her and let her know she is hanging on to a bad man that she supported basically if she knew anywhere inside of her what he was doing. I also walked back into that valley and told everyone who would listen I wasn't after money, they (both adoptive parents) were abusive. I will leave the door open for the girls though, realizing, our lives were so damaged by what happened. I'll call my (so-called) mother every few days just because it's not in my character to kill someone who thinks they love me with all their heart (and probably doesn't). The councilor didn't even think I needed to come back.  See the woman out without causing more pain by rejecting her at such a fragile time, know the whole truth without denial on my part, keep the door open realistically understanding maybe my daughters and I will never be close. I definently got the man and that Prosecuting Attn. was in the wrong but I tried and thats more than anyone else could do. Given the crap I was handed in life I made one huge mistake, I went back and thought I needed a mother who really didn't know or was committed to her role. But I didn't ask for any of this and nope...didn't know the answers and without a soul to talk to back then I made that huge mistake. I'll have to live with it or give it to the Lord. Probably both. Thanks.

[RockRose]

I don't think you're a horrible person,  Regret.  I think you're on the verge of  unraveling the twisted,  ill placed alliances in your life that were caused by sexual abuse for generations.  The unfounded loyalty you have to your mother - who did NOT protect you - is one more piece of the twisted tangle of relationships that come with sexual abuse.  

I don't think you're horrible at all, I think you really just can't see the dynamic that's at work here,  the sadness that you have tried so very hard to please a mother who did not protect you and still won't try to make you or your daughters whole.  

I really don't know how you can heal your relationship with your daughter,  but I hope you take comfort in the reality that your daughter is healthy enough to walk away, and she's not stuck in the awful cycle that you were of still trying to make this family work out for her.  

Children in the cycle of abuse often just keep coming back - as you did - trying desperately to create a healthy family dynamic,  and it doesn't work,  just as it didn't work in your situation and the family dynamic that you grew up in reached out and burned your children.

I don't know what to say to help you out,  except to say that if you have a really good therapist this is going to hurt a lot.  Like scrubbing a burn to clean off the dead cells and make room for healthy ones to grow.  

I wish you the best,  and prayers in time your daughters will again have a relationship with you.  

[oldregret343]

My blood runs cold with some of the things you've said. I am headed to counciling this morning. I never understood the dynamics of that family either (adoptive family-clarify lol). I learned to be very dependent on my mother (right where she wanted me) and thought (I had no therpy at that time) I couldn't do it without her-raise a family-she had all the answers, didn't know about the abuse of myself ect. I also thought he was done, thought he'd never do it again. He had joined the church and got "religion". My biggest mistake, your correct, is bring ing them back and trusting him. I have felt suicidal over this horrible decision. Thank God I immediently got help, the police, and the civil suit ect. It was the only thing that saved me from being horrible person you allude too. (I probably still am). We moved when he died and I decided to go back to her to tell her honestly how I felt. People I grew up with thought I lied, the whole town and I spoke my peace and found out so many others had been abused by him and NO ONE came forward even to help me bust him. It was ONLY my word against his (and my daughters) and the prosecuting Attn. didn't think that was enough. My mother has apologized to me, she knew he was lude but not sexually abusive (?-same-?) but she hangs on to his memory and she will not apologize to my daughter. She is 89. She has proved her true colors I guess. She is 89...dump her? You think now, dump her. I have quit calling her so much, the other family member ride me to rejoin the church-noway. The answer is just walk away at this point? perhaps I should. My husband and friends say, hey call her now and then cause that will is big. Well, I don't care about the will, I want to do whats right for everyone. So I dump her...how do I heal it with my daughter? She won't even talk to me. Thanks

[RockRose]

Allmymarbles,  usually I agree with you,  this time I have to say this.

Oldregret,  this is healthy for your daughters to distance themselves from this toxic family.  I don't know your mother's history,  why she allowed you to be abused and then allowed her granddaughters to be abused by her husband,  and it's interesting of all the places you could live in the world you brought your children right to your abuser.

I'm not trying to be ugly,  I'm really trying to add clarity to your daughter's viewpoint.  

The chances that your daughter's  children will be sexually assaulted also if they continue to socialize with family are significant.  Your mother might find another man to offer young girls up to,  you might decide to ignore that  abusers would  abuse your grandchildren although you know they're abusers.

I think if you go into therapy you should be prepared for a very,  very painful experience delving into family dynamics,  and why women who were sexually abused bring their daughters to their abusers.  

I know this sounds harsh,  but this is real life.  Your granddaughters are much better off completely away from your biological heritage,  because a multi generational history of keeping "secrets" (that everyone actually knows, they just pretend they are secrets) exists here.

Best wishes.  At this point,  rather than seeking therapy where if you get an actually good therapist it will be a bloodletting session,  it might be time to just let go and enjoy the family that remains for your remaining years.  

Don't look the other way again.  

[allmymarbles]

Your stepfather abused you and now your daughters are abusing you. Do you see a pattern?

[AnnieBrooke]

See a therapist and work through the guilt.  You did the right thing to prosecute.  Your daughters need to come to some peace with their own molestation, and all of that will take time.  Give them space to do it.