DOES THE PAIN EVER GO AWAY!!!????

[nananeedsthis]

My question is this...my father was an abusive alcoholic who kidnapped me when I was 2 months old (my mother had sole custody). He wanted his drink so bad that he would bet his drinking "buddies" that he could do whatever he wanted to me and I wouldn't cry...then tell me "if you cry I'll kill you". He would cut me, burn me with matches or his cigarettes, or just plain beat me in the head until I lost consciousness. All of this took place until I was 6 years old, at which time my mother finally found me. I had been told she was dead.  Needless to say...that so called man neglected me, abused me, and denied me of my right to a maternal bonding, which by the time I was 6 and a total stranger to each other, we never did established one. Although he is dead (2001) I still, to this day, HATE that man.  So, to my question...does the pain ever go away? By the way, I'm 49 years old with multiple health problems, according to the drs., that are directly associated with the abuse, including seizures, bi-polar, and major depression, among others. Thanks in advance for the time...

[nananeedsthis]

Believe me I do.

[allmymarbles]

I am so glad your father is dead. Think of him in hell to cheer yourself up.

[nananeedsthis]

I just want to say thank you to everyone for your support and understanding. And believe me, he knew how I felt about him before he died. His counselor told him to make amends with the ones he hurt the most, and he wrote me a letter, which after I read, I threw away without responding. Not getting what he wanted, he called me...my sister gave him the number...he had the nerve to say he missed me. I told him "you can't miss something you never had." He asked if we could have a friendship because that is what his counselor suggested, and I told him that if he was only doing what his counselor said he should and not what his heart said to, than no , I couldn't invest in that type of relationship. He died 2 1/2 months later. I don't regret not making amends with him because it wasn't coming from him, but from a total stranger. It was something he would never have thought of on his own. The one thing I do regret is that I never had a mother-daughter relationship with my mom. Oh I did develop a friendship with her a few years ago, a very close adult one. Unfortunately, she died in October, 2010. Too much time was wasted not talking about what happened. I didn't want to hurt her because she had spent so many years trying to find me, and she didn't want to hurt me by bringing up bad memories. It was only 2-3 years ago that we finally started to talk about some of the lighter things that went on, but we still never talked about the deep stuff. I believe all of this has made me a better and more loving mother to my own daughters, and we are very close. They come to me often about anything. I offer advice, but never judge them. Hopefully, we all learn something from the trials and tribulations that we go through. Again, thank you to everyone...and anyone who wants to continue to chat with me just send me a PM.

[sad14u]

Nana, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that, you had to be very strong to have survived! He was an evil man but it seems that you are still suffering and in a way allowing him to still hurt you from the grave!  He robbed you of your free will and of your right to say NO!  It's not too late to reclaim your will and to say NO>NO>NO!  Choose a quiet time where you can be alone and speak aloud all the things you would like to say to him.  Let him know what a horrendous affect he had on your life and how he made you feel. then take your will back and tell him NO MORE!  You will never hurt me again!  Believe in yourself and in the wonderful strong person that you are. You are a survivor!
O adopted my son when he was 11 years old and we were able to forge a bond, He is my son as much as if I had given birth to him. I feel that your pain has caused you to build a wall of protection around your heart, it must be hard for you to trust anyone, but please try to open your heart to love because love is the greatest healer of all.  I want so much to just give you a big hug and tell you what a great and deserving person you are.  Hope life gets better and better for you every day.

[nananeedsthis]

Thanks Remar, you've become such a close friend, I feel like I know you personally.

[remar]

I'm so glad you joined this forum! The people here are great and very supportive. You can talk about anything and everything you need to talk about.

[nananeedsthis]

Do you mind going on my friends list? If not, just hit mine. Where are you planning to move to?  Unforunately, I don't remember Santa Ana. You know, I don't even have my birth certificate, everyone left that behind...made it very hard!  I don't know how to get it???

[margypops]

Sorry I hit the submit button before I finished , it sounds as if you dont need more therapy ,as you haven't had much help, if you want to just chat sometime I am always around ...

[margypops]

I have been to Santa Ana I lived until recently at Huntington Beach now moved to between San Diego and LA  gorgeus area to look at, but rural with animal problems of big neglect..we are going to make a move from CA next spring ..

[nananeedsthis]

I've been in and out of therapy for years but, unfortunately there isn't many to choose from, and they are not that great (the last one said she "didn't want to talk about that stuff".). I can accept the fact that he was an alcoholic and an abuser because of it, but it has ruined my life, what with all the health problems it has caused. I am now on "Lifeline" and I should not leave home unless I am with someone, which makes "living" truly difficult. If it weren't for my 2 daughters and 3 grandsons, I'm not sure where I would be today (I have attempted suicide before).
By the way, I see that you are from CA. I was born in Santa Ana. That's where I was kidnapped from. Ironic...

[margypops]

I cannot tell you enough how sorry I am you went through this ,it should'nt happen to any child but it does,  .it is understandable how you feel about the abuser,I can only imagine how it has followed you all your life, Did you ever have any therapy ? I dont think the pain ever full goes away but I think you learn to accept that it happened and that you are not going to let it ruin the rest of your life .,not easy though, thats where the help and therapy comes in to play..You have come to Med help now, you will find some help here and folks to talk to ...I hope you will find some peace of mind ... .