Anyone to talk to about abuse?

[fuzzyeyes]

Sooo

I originally signed up to get help for the medical issues I'm having, but then I found this Abuse Support section

Recently I've had problems, and those problems would be 'remembering'

There's no easy way to say this really but I've been through abuse by a family member, sexual and, what I'd consider, physical. It's just been a weight on me lately, toppled by the fact I have something physically wrong inside my body. I've tried talking to people online, you know, to get help, but the people I've talked about it with hadn't gone through what I have. They don't seem to understand the psychological issues that follow with being sexually abused and they don't understand that it pops up whenever I'm engaging in a sexual situation. I'm so scared of men, either that or I hate them sometimes [not all of you, believe me I know there are amazing men out there, I am pretty close friends with a a great man that I trust dearly] and this fear has stopped me from doing a lot of things, mainly one is being able to go outside for a walk around the block, or walk at least two minutes from my place. Even during a two minutes walk I've had a group of three men shout at me. Seriously two minutes. It makes me so mad and feel very unsafe.

I guess what I just want is someone I can talk to that has been through the same thing as I. It'd probably be healthier to do it in real life, and I'd love to, but it's terrible. I wish I could wear a different skin so I can go to these support groups without being recognized. I don't want anyone to know. No one really does know right now, no one in real life besides one of my ex-friends, who actually made a joke about it. I feel caged having to keep it a secret, and I can't tell a family member as my family members that are left rely on this person financially. Do you see the problem here? I have to see my abuser everyday and I feel I get angry and quiet around him. I actually didn't seem to realize I was abused up until 3 or 4 years ago. It's not just the abuse, but it's the comments that were made to me, you know. The little things that if I hadn't said 'no' makes you wonder how far they could have escalated if I had been too scared to say no. That stuff just sits in my head. I need to get out and live on my own, away from this, it's stressing me out and I'm just crying because I hate him so much and he's such a terrible person. From the outside you wouldn't know that he was abusive, which makes this all the more harder when my friends talk to him, when I have to keep it a secret from them, It hurts

I don't know who to talk to about it. I've talked to someone who had said that it's in the past, but it's really not. Yes, what happened is long gone and done, but that disgusting, uncomfortable feeling lingers whenever confronted with a sexual situation, whenever I am around him, etc..

I don't know what to do.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Ya know, I really think you are going to have to tell your mother or someone about this abuse.  Re read what you wrote.  That you feel like he is watching Dance Moms because he is attracted to the girls.  That's sick and that would make him a predator.  Even when older and dating---  what if he dates a single mom with a daughter?  I get that no action seems easier and keeps the peace.  But if what you are saying is true, he's got to be outed.  Even at the expense of family peace.  

Yep, I've taken self defense classes a couple of different times.  One was given by a woman police officer that talked about how to defend yourself from a street attack.  It was great.  All kinds of things like keeping your heart rate steady by opening and closing your fists so that you don't freeze up with fear (the opening and closing of hands keeps blood circulating, oxygen moving throughout body, helps keep you calm). Also when someone is coming up to you and you are trapped, getting loud and acting insane may scare off someone looking for an easier target.  Also, where to strike to hurt.  Eyes, throat, private parts.  The other class was self defense moves to use in general.  Yes, you can buy pepper spray  without a permit.  You wouldn't spray your eyes.  It's like a spray can that has a hole in one spot that shoots out a spray.  You'd have to have it pointed at you.  I think you can even get a tazer these days to have yourself.  I like the pepper spray because you can stand away from someone and protect yourself.  

I agree that a roommate has complications with it.  But it also gets you out quicker.  I don't recommend moving in with a boyfriend just to get out of the house though.  Somewhere where everyone pays their equal share is better.  But if you can swing being on your own and pay for an apartment, go for it as soon as possible.  But it is unhealthy to be in this situation living around the person that has sexually abused you, physically abused you.  

Good luck with your job search.  I know it is hard.  You'll find something.  You seem like a smart girl.  What about some online classes too?  That might help the overall search and financial independence.  

Anyway, back to the telling.  We had a situation in our family in which a teen was being molested by her father.  It happened freshman and sophomore year of high school and then stopped.  She was leaving for college.  She had a sister 6 years younger than her.  Two weeks before she left for college, she made the brave decision to tell.  her mother was livid because she told the priest at their church.  The mother would have just buried it. The priest called the police.  The dad spent 5 years in prison for it.  The parents divorced.  The younger daughter was never molested.  Her sister bravely sacrificed family peace to ensure that no one else would suffer what she did.  Yes, the consequences for it were that her mother was angry, her parents divorced, and her father when to prison.  But it was worth the outcome . . . no other young girls including her sister would be touched by him again.  He's now a registered sex offender which is public record.  

I just encourage you to be brave hon.  I do understand and know how hard it is.  Believe me.  But not doing it puts others at risk.  peace

[fuzzyeyes]

I love your quote, "Whether you have religion in your life or not, you are supposed to be a happy person.  When you are not, that is the time to change whatever needs to be changed so that you can be happy."

I've saved it in my list of inspirational quotes, quotes I can read when I need a boost to keep going. I've been thinking about what you said and I've started doing a few little things that make ME happy. For example, I want to change my room around, but the other half of me thinks, what's the point? It's fine how it is. But if I need a change to feel content, then so be it. I'll use your words to change even greater things.

AH! I've also made a list yesterday, like you told me. They were small things, but they made me feel better. I stayed offline the entire day after I read what you said [usually coming on isn't the best thing] and just did the things I made on my list. It was great. I plan on doing it again. I just have to remember and not let myself drown in other things in my head. Thank you Blu

[fuzzyeyes]

**payments easier

[fuzzyeyes]

It IS really painful. I trust my two best friends, but coming out to them about it would be awkward. There's really nothing they could do, I have to do this myself. I'm pretty emotionally distant, as is the rest of my family. Comfort would be great, but it'd have to be from the right person, I don't really know that 'right person' yet. I don't believe he's harming anyone else. I would never allow that. He doesn't even have the time to do so. It's just sickening because, you know that stupid show, Dance Moms? He watches that, with the little girls. It makes me ******* sick and angry. If only everyone knew the reasoning behind it. I'm afraid to tell my mom, because of the emotional distance, it's totally awkward to even imagine how she would comfort. To be honest I don't even want a hug from her, it's too weird. And telling her would risk her losing her home.. This whole thing is difficult and is the reason why I'm reaching out for help. I'm really sorry this is so complicated, and I know you're trying to help me and I feel terrible for shooting you down on your suggestions when you take the time out of your day to tell me. I will look into yoga, I know a few friends that do it, and I can consider taking them up on it.

I would LOVE to exercize. Believe me. I went to the gym a couple months ago and it was great. I wanted to stay longer. Now that I've been sick, I don't think it's possible. Sometimes my side will hurt as if I'd run a mile, when I haven't run at all. I love working out so much, being physically exhausted helps greatly. I can't wait until this whole medical thing is over so I can finally work out again. Becoming physically strong [with my daily push-ups] has built my confidence a bit. Since I've gotten sick, it seems when I do push-ups I get swollen lymph nodes in my armpit. Sigh. It *****. The things that could help me are working against me it seems, so I've no choice but to wait. The self defense class sounds amazing though. I don't know how I've forgotten that existence. I REALLY need to push myself to find that and take it ASAP. Have you taken it before? Is it scary?

Can we really get pepper spray so easily? We don't need a permit or anything? Sometimes I envision myself accidentally spraying myself in the face with it lol

I was working, but because I've gotten sick I've had to stop. I need to find a job that isn't so 'on your feet,' in the mean time. I'd love a roommate, but ideally, I'd like to live alone, even though that means my home will have to be so small. A roommate would make payments either, but it may shoot up my paranoia and stress level too. Like I've mentioned, the only person I've told, very very vaguely, about my abuse and by whom, made a joke about it. Totally uncalled for. Disgusting.

Sorry to vent out again. Thank you for listening and helping me. It means a lot. Have a great day and night

[BluCrystal]

You are very welcome, Dear One.  Every one of us deserves to be treated with respect and care.  That is what God would have for us.  We are not out here to be miserable and afraid.  Whether you have religion in your life or not, you are supposed to be a happy person.  When you are not, that is the time to change whatever needs to be changed so that you can be happy.  I had to learn this the hard way (another story).  Trust me when I say it can be done.  Get out a pen and paper and write down all of the things you CAN do to make your life better.  Then begin to DO the list, one thing at a time.  You can break it down into smaller goals that are easier to reach, like make 'eating a hamburger' into 'purchase ingredients for hamburger, cook the hamburger, dress the hamburger with condiments, eat the hamburger'.  That sounds silly, but you get the idea.  Let me know how things go, please, we are here for you.  Blessings - Blu

[specialmom]

Hi there again.  :>)  I see from another forum that you are 21.  This is GOOD news.  You are an adult and that means that you can be moving to independence from this situation.  Are you in college, job training, working?  I would work to get out of the home you are in.  Roommates make moving out a lot easier so consider this.  But sweetie, I do think you need to tell someone such as your mother about this because this person is left to do this to others.  That shouldn't be allowed.  peace

[specialmom]

Hi there.  That you have to live in around the abuser is really painful sweetie.  Ugh, is there not anyone you trust to tell?  in truth, here is the thing.  If you don't tell, this person is in the position to find other victims.  Someone else could be put through the same thing.  Are you afraid to tell your mother for example?  I want you to understand that it is scary to think of possible outcomes from telling.  That families can be ripped apart, some get mad at the victim, some oust the abuser, some are divided.  I really do understand how awful that is to contemplate.  But I also know that it isn't right for you to have no one in your family to tell.  That you have to bottle this up.  

You don't mention your age.  How old are you dear?  That makes a big difference for the kind of advice I will give.  

I'm just so very very sorry you've had to live through this.

One other thing, you can begin to work on the anxiety before you ready to tell your secret.  Even a general practitioner or family doctor can diagnose and treat anxiety.  Things like exercise is really helpful too.  Physical activity releases the brain's natural 'happy' chemical which improves/stabilizes mood.  It's not a substitute for medication when we need it but it does help.  AND, you could do something like kickboxing.  Take a class at a local YWCA/YMCA or get a work out dvd.  The moves are very good and feel like things you could really do if you ever had to defend yourself.  A self defense class might also be very empowering to you.  I know our local park district runs them for the community, so look for something like this in your area too.  Being strong physically will help your psyche feel safe.  
You can also get pepper spray at places like Wal Mart to slip into a jacket pocket.  That puts you a bit farther away from someone if they try to attack you and the mist from the spray really doesn't miss.  (have used it).  

anyway, it would really help to know how old you are.  peace

[fuzzyeyes]

Thank you for the warm welcoming and offering me some of your time, and speaking so sweet to me!

I'll try to exclude him, I really will. When the three men called out to me I was wearing a hoody, jeans, and converse. I have short hair and I don't wear make-up. No matter how you look there's always, always going to be these disgusting, greedy, slobs.

I'm so angry with the amount of control men have over woman. Sometimes when I'm on the road, I think, "Maybe I can go walk through that forest." then I'm like, "Oh wait, I can't, my shorts are too short... I should have worn jeans. It's not safe." This isn't something woman should have to worry about. What we wear shouldn't give a man the reason to sexually assault or catcall. Hell, what we DON'T wear shouldn't either. I wish we could be safe. I like your rock advice, the next time I find a decent sized stone I'm picking it up. Thank you again Blu

[fuzzyeyes]

Hi, thank you for the warm welcoming, you're all so nice and caring!

I've never seen a therapist.. I'd like to see one but because of the whole secrecy thing it feels impossible. No one else in my family knows about the abuse. I've imagined though, the therapy. I like that you can turn away, because I couldn't see myself doing it without covering my eyes.

I don't have any love interests currently. I admire someone, but neither of us have any intentions of making it into something. I haven't been able to get too close to anyone, I don't even know how anymore

I believe I have anxiety. I'm no doctor though.. but the fight or flight response is correct. How do you know that you have it?

[Nighthawk61]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with so much in your young life dear. Thankfully you have reached out. I think you need to continue to do that, and make some friends on here, so that you are not alone with all of this.
Please talk to a rape counselor as soon as you possibly can. You need to have the support of someone who can help you to get in the best position to deal with this now.  If you were an addict you would need to go to an AA with other addicts who have found a way to control their addiction.  You must be involved with others who have experienced the abuse that you have had happen to you.
This man will not get away with this, in the long run. You are not alone, as God watches over you. Everything that is good is there for you too in your life. Have faith. The best revenge is to live your best life. Peace be with you. Liz

[Godisfaithful]

Hi. I understand what you are feeling, with the exception of being around the one who abused me. I was 7 or 8 when I was abused. When he finished he would give me a quarter. That abused caused my life to be different than others. It actually took me years to finally talk about it. I talked to 2 close friends and they didn't understand. One even joked and said I was a prostitute because he gave me a quarter afterwards. Instead of people being sympathetic, they joke when they don't understand. For me, in order to begin healing I forgave the man. I felt like he wasn't controlling me anymore. When I forgave what he did I had no link to that no more. I don't look at myself as a victim, I am an overcomer. You see, I have God in my life. Through His Son, I am being healed. There are still some residue, but I believe I am healed, totally from His that act. The man who molested me is dead now. His last victim's father killed him. I get know joy in that. Prayed for you. There is peace for you. Also, I don't know if you ever listened to this woman named Joyce Meyers. Well, she was molested by her father for 15 years. When you look at her, she doesn't look like her past. Healing is here for those whose been hurt.

[BluCrystal]

Hello, Dear One.  Welcome.  And thank you for trusting us with your problems.  I agree that what happened in the past does not necessarily stay in the past, especially when you see him every day!  I also agree that you should make every effort to exclude this person from your life.  You should also look into rape counseling.  That can do you wonders, with coping skills and relaxation techniques.  I, too, used to be afraid to go out alone.  But then I learned something: if I dressed 'down' (loose, ugly clothes, no makeup, hair a mess), I did not get nearly as much unwanted attention.  I also learned to keep a fist-sized rock or two in my coat pockets.  I would take this out and casually play with it hand-to-hand when I felt afraid, so people could see that I had a big rock.  Now, I know that none of this is the REAL answer to your problems, as women should be able and proud to walk down the street looking beautiful and confident, without harassment.  That is ideal, but I don't think you are ready for that yet.  Thus, the reason for counseling.  I am here for you, and you may message me anytime.  Others here can be of excellent support as well!  Blessings - Blu

[specialmom]

** there are MANY who will listen.  typo

[specialmom]

Hello and welcome to med help!  There are may here who have suffered such things and can be good listeners.  It's so hard and those things that happened as a child can certainly influence our adult life unless we take steps to try to not let that happen.  But sometimes it just does without our even being aware of it.  ugh.  

Do you now or have you ever seen a therapist??  They are so wonderful for helping us move past these horrible acts put upon us.  A one on one therapist is the best in my opinion.  Some will let you sit in such a way to just talk without looking at them.  So helpful and they know the best ways to help you 'uncover' the things that need to be talked about from the past.  

What is so hard about family sexual abuse is that .. . it's FAMILY.  We are supposed to feel safe with them.  And if part of the family supports the abuser---  ack!  It feels like a slap in the face.  Does your family know about the abuse??  

What kinds of relationships do you have now with your love interests?  Are you able to get close to anyone?

The men shouting gives you a base level fear.  You go into almost a fight or flight response.  I have that due to an attack.  It's like a panic attack.  Do you think you have anxiety??  Anxiety is definitely treatable and important to do so.  

anyway, I know I threw a bunch of questions at you but just want you to know that there are people here who care and are happy to try to help or listen.  peace