memories of childhood abuse *triggering

[lalila]

They were things that made me uncomfortable or violated my boundaries. I was not raped but on different occasions had been seen naked by my dad when I was a teenager, and also he pinched me on my bottom when i was 11 when I had just gone to give him a hug when my mom was mad at me. Never thought he had thought of me sexually before that incident and it was shocking and I thought I actually saw my mind physically sinking like there was a small black hole there. I almost couldn't believe what happened, I knew for sure he shouldn't do anything like that. My mother was horrible and was silent when I told her, like she wasn't listening.  A few days ago, now 17 years later from the incident, I repeated it till she listened and she said some things that made me very angry, like "maybe he was just playing" or "are you sure". I told her they were both sick in the head if they thought sexually harassing someone was playing. My brother had dismissed it a long time ago too. Its sad that my family doesn't really give support. My mom
Is writing me a letter wonder what's in there. But it's been so much sadness and anguish trying to deal with this is like roadblocks all along my life, I had to work through I'll health caused by this, physical symptoms like heavy periods low blood pressure extreme pain/cramping near fainting it's scares me and I don't want dreams where he touches me. Trying to get councelling again but really doesn't help if it's just about "moving on" in life. I do, but it doesn't mean i dont get stifled by nightmares or have to cry when I describe it.How do you deal with your memories?

[PeaceMouse]

I would say that is a for of PTSD and I know what you feel like because I have a few disturbing memories like that.  If your family has never given you support and your mom denies it and wont listen to you- she is in denial about it.  I went through the same thing with my mom only it was every guy she ever had over(as well as the guy I called "dad") in place of your dad and it wasn't pinches I was afraid of- I couldn't change in my own room or take showers in my own house.  I eventually disowned my family and started a new life- it is hard.

If there actions are not supportive and they brush off what you say then I just suggest not talking to or associating with hem anymore- it's really hard, but if it's that bad- you may need to start your life over without those people/stressors.

[RockRose]

In fairness to allmymarbles, all we readers here have to go by is what you wrote in your short post,  and from that it's really hard to tell what has happened.

You can't expect people to know what has happened to you,  if you haven't said it.  

I will say this  .  . . the fact that you went to give your dad a hug,  at 11,  because your mom was mad at you . . . is an indicator of family dysfunction.  In functional families,  when one parent is mad at the child,  BOTH are mad,  and a child doesn't go for a hug with the "not mad" parent.  So it's hard to tell exactly what the dynamic was there,  but not good.

At any rate,  I hope you are able to find some answers somewhere else,  as you say,  because it's hard to tell here what has happened and you don't seem open to discussion.

Best wishes.

[lalila]

Thanks to the others I'll talk to someone else

[allmymarbles]

Now let me see if I have this right. You have had psychological and health problems for 17 years because your father once pinched you on the butt....

Your family does not support you. No surprise. Yes, you need therapy, but not because of your father.

[FMMax]

I have to agree with RockRose here.  While I think that talking and venting can be helpful, it seems like there is more going on here than any of us can understand.  It would be easy for us as outside observers to not understand the seriousness of this "pinch" to you, because we don't know what else might have happened in your past.

Sexual abuse has a way of manifesting in seemingly unrelated aspects of your life, and if you are a victim the best thing you can do for yourself is to find someone to talk to.  Real therapy isn't about forgetting the past and moving on - it is about understanding yourself, and redefining your life, so that you can move from victim to survivor.  Unfortunately, it seems like you did not have this experience with therapy in the past - but if you are willing to continue the process you  can absolutely still benefit from talking with someone.  

If can be comforting to post your story, but I urge you to dig more deeply into this with a professional offline.

[RockRose]

I think I've probably pinched my boys in the butt before.

I wonder what is going on with your life now,  17 years later after a pinch,  that is causing you to refocus on that incident.  Or maybe you've actually been focused on that pinch for the past 17 years.

I think you need counseling - not to "get over it",  but to figure out what it is about your life that is causing you to focus like this on this incident.

Best wishes.