I feel abused

[Shanna707]

Every since my health has gone down hill in the last 1-2 years my husband has changed.  He use to be one of those men who would do anything for me and wait on me hand and foot if I let him.

Now that I need his help he holds it over my head and many times does not even end up helping me, instead I am left crying.

Last winter I was newly diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia  and this was about 6 months before falling down 24 concrete apartment building stairs while visiting my family out of state.  Just that fall itself made me look like I had been beaten half to death.  The bruises, fractures, and concussion took about 6 months to recover as much as I ever will.  Soon that valentine's day, last winter, I went into a Rheumatoid flare up I now know.  I woke up and could not open or close my hands.  They were like claws that would not move.  They throbbed in horrible pain that I could barely take without going crazy. Soon after other joints started to pain me severely including my hips and knees and back and my feet especially hurt so bad every morning to where I could barely walk to the bathroom to relieve myself,, and there were many times my husband helped me out of bed whiile I cried in pain.

  Well, we waited and waited for it all to go away but it never did.  It got better once I got on potent painrelievers and summer came, but it never completely goes away.  I am chronically affected and have not worked for a year although I do receive a some unemployment that will soon end.

  My husband is very cruel at times and just refuses to do simple things for me that I can't or that really hurts me to do.  It's like he thinks I'm at home just enjoying myself while he's at work.  The truth couldn't be anything from the further.  I hurt everyday.  I can't even open up my own water bottle.  Even though, I have from time to time to find a job but have not been successful although I am certain I would not be able to make it long at a manual labor job which is what is in highest demand currently.

  My husband has been complaining of an old foot injury and has commented about how he has to go to work anyway.  I tried to explain to him to imagine how it would feel if numerous joints hurt all the time, but he does not want to hear it.  He mentioned to me one night that there's a girl at his work that has a boyfriend that doesn't work and she supports him.  

  Previous to this last year I have always worked and made 2-3 times more money than my husband.  We all miss the money, but it's like he punishes me for it.  I can hardly get him to do anything around the house on his days off because he feels I am at home all the time and should do it all and he would rather play computer games.

  My husband is a massage therapist and I can barely get the once a week massage he promised me to help my back.  sometimes when I ask him for it he makes a big disruption, sets up, and then says get your *** up here now if you want your massage.  Very verbally abusive.  His job offers me no insurance so he knows I am at his mercy.

It seems he doesn't care what my condition is.  He would rather me just work and hurt myself so he could do less and have more play money.  Mind you the whole time I've been off work, I've had $2,000 a month coming in to help with expenses.  So, it's not like he has solely taken care of the household at all, but that's the way he acts because I use to get paid 3x that much.

  I love him to death, but his treatment really makes me question his true feelings for me.  I can't think of all the examples, but he verbally abuses me on a regula basis for not having a job or not having things done  around the house despite what physical condition I am in at the time.  I also suffer from depression and anxiety and it is just getting worse.  Also, I think he feels he can get away with talking to me however he wants now because we now live by only his family after coming here when his mom became terminal with cancer and has since passed.  I have no hope he'll ever leave here now.

  He comstantly minimizes my conditions.  I just found out that I also have a hiatal hernia and ulcer that he got pissed off for taking me to the emergency room after I was unable to stop vomiting and thriving in abdominal pain.  He tried to say I was just in withdarawal from running low on pain meds, but then the ER doc confirmed the hiatal hernia and ulcer, but he still didn't take it seriously.  Also while I was at the hospital I had chest pain and the EKG showed my heart to be fluttering instead of beating normally, they were gonna convert me, but my body all of a sudded self converted.  So, I have a lot of health problems, No insurance, and have to use what little money I get to pay for the bills cause my husband doesn't make enough money, but yet I am to be made to feel like crap all the time, like I am just faking it because I'm just lazy.  Please, I would so rather be out having fun and making good money and have all my bills paid.

I do not know what is wrong with this man.  There was a year several years back that he got in a car accident and I paid everything by myself all year.  He has never paid for everything and has the nerve to make me feel bad cuz I can't get more money in the house and clean more so he can just be lazier and play wow all day. No offense to wow players.
Thanks for listening, does anyone have any advice.  I've been with this man for 20 years this month.  I don't want to just throw it all away. Is there anyway I can make him see what I am going through or to be more understanding??  Has anyone else had this situation b4 or currently? I really need some support since obviously I'm not getting it here.  I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night.

[ginnygrl]

thank you for the kind words.  You are right, once the relationship has gotten to that point, it is a waste of time trying to help them understand you. I think they already do understand and that's what causes the bahavior a lot of times. you hang in there too. where you are is a very difficult situation that is too much for most people to handle. take time for youself and take care:) Gina

[ginnygrl]

I don't blame you a bit. I read somewhere that a lot of men don't fall in love with you, but the idea of you. wheras, when changes occur in ourselves or our relationship they have trouble relating. because they based you on what you physically were when you met.  I also am mostly alone,my mother doesn't drive much anymore and all of my family lives in another town. we are close, but myself and my sisters are all experiencing the same type of medical issues which keeps us all busy. I am hoping to get well enough to make a trip down to see all of the once a week. it's not far, but I wear out quickly.  try to remember one thing, and not let your heart break over his nasty comments. It's very hard, I know. I fail a lot of times, but I try to be indifferent to his remarks as he does my feelings, I don't know if that's smart, but it seems to be all I can do to stay calm and when we get stressed that just hurts us more, physically and mentally. keep caring about yourself and don't doubt your abilities. You have carried a lot of the weight and he is just trying to bully you into feeling this way so he doesn't feel as bad about himself. I also once read that ANYTHING a person does hurtful to you, isn't about you but ALWAYS about themselves. I wouldn't hurt myself more if I were you and overwork yourself. we have one body and I was like you and worked hard at keeping the yard and house looking great. that was one thing I could control because I didn't have control over anything else in my marriage, but again, like you I can't stretch myself out so much through the day nowdays to keep everything so perfect, and it drives me crazy sometimes:)have a good evening! Gina

[jo929]

good for you tell him how you feel i did mine before he got sick tell him just what you think   luck  jo

[Shanna707]

I really don't have family to help. I only have my mom and sister who live in another state.  My mother has much worse shape than me and lives on a limited income in a one bedroom.  My sister has two disabled children who live off of ssi.  I really was the most successful one bcause I went to college and became a Registered Nurse and for about 8 years made good money, but was never really able to save any because my husband could never match my pay and I ended up paying most of the bills.  He also screwed up our taxes years ago when he decided to become "self employed as a massage therapist" I don't know what he did when he filed, but we owe rediculous amount with interest and he refuses to take any responsibility for anything he screws up,  Frankly, he's becoming a pure ***-hole.  Tonight, hurting as usual, I took my son and I out to a local eatery for the early bird special which is quicte good.  I made sure I brought him a fresh steak dinner home and then stopped at a local organic grocery and picked up a chocolate cupcake that said I love you on it.  He ate it barely saying thank you, but when he was done he started to complain how he works all day and the kitchen is a mess.  We don't have an electric dish washer and it hurts the arthritis in my hands so I do a load at a time when I can daily and my son helps too, but my husband thinks everything should be spotless like there is nothing wrong with me.  He is still working as a massage therapist and is gone all day, but at most get 5 hours of work lately.  So, he is complaining when he is working part time basically and he is making his part of the mess.

When I was younger and not hurt I would work full time and clean.  Before that I took care of my son and went to school full time for several years and kept the house and yard beautiful.  Money wise even when I went to school I did library work at school called work study at the time and got paid and also got enough loans and grants to remodel the house we lived in and pay off my car to get to and from school and but my sons yearly new school clothes.  I have always done my part.

ginnygirl I relate to your story. maybe we can atleast encourage each other.  I am going to befriend uou and jo too.  Thanks for all the comments.
Shanna

He is even lazy in sex now and finally I got tired of always initiating it and servicing his every need, hoping he would do the same back.  Now, I don't even try.  I am still good looking and very loving and kind and am worth an effort.  He never use to be this way.  When we first got married< I couldn't get him to leave me alone, but he has gained weight and it is not as easy for him to do things, but I refuse to do anything more and then be treated with no respect.

I don't know what I am going to do, but I do know that I'm not gonna just sit back and not say anything while the person I married for sickness or health treats me however he wants!

[jo929]

maybe you have family that could help you, as i told shanna, i wish i had the answer but i am sorry that you both are this way, and god bless both of you and i pray that you both find a solution i know it is hard, i have been there and still there  luck  jo

[jo929]

Shanna do you have any family living that you could talk to? if not can you care for yourself, if you have 2000 coming in , maybe if you are that unhappy just tell him to get a divorce and see what he says but keep your money do not give him anymore. i also am in bad health but i am much older than you  ladies my husband is bed fast now, and i still try and wait on him but when i was younger i had to work abd pay all the bills, as he drank his money at the bar I feel for both of you and i hope that you both can come up with a solution, but i do know crying in front of him will not help God bless both of you  luck  jo

[ginnygrl]

I can feel your pain very badly and It's because I have been in the same situation all of my life. I started having a lot of pain when I was a child, but we went on family day trips that would just kill my legs, where they would be visibally shaking but my mother would have all sorts of errands, and she thought I was a typical child who was whiney and complaining because it wasn't any fun for me. but, I would have tears streaming down my face putting one leg in front of the other and walking.  I didn't realize I traded that type of reaction from one beloved but then I married my husband when I was still young. He didn't doubt me at first, because I was young and I had not had a child yet, which I believe that is what really kickstarted this nightmare.  As the years wore on and I was diagnosed with more and more diseases, I always had my son with me and had a very demanding schedule of more than the average woman, because my husband didn't do anything but bring a paycheck home without complaining. everything else became my fault. anytime a Dr. put me on a medication, he made fun of me and became nasty, demanding I get off the medication, because I didn't have anything wrong with me. our whole family was deaing with my husbands found illness after a few years of marriage and it immidiatly became priory. He was having major surgeries every year and risk of death or paralysis and I had to be his caregiver while he could not bathe or take care of essential needs. My health was declining at that point and I was in and out of the hospital myself with several surgeries and procedures and I honestly, could not take another day of being belittled for being "lazy". I was working over 40 hours a week and taking classes and taking care of everything my child needed. my husband would not even watch our son when he was not working and I was making a meager income, but he always made fun of the small amount of money I made and said that I didn't help with any of the household bills although my paycheck went completely towards bills, there was twenty years of this and most of it all bad. I had to divorce him to save myself I felt. It was very difficult, because he was not well at all but was becoming increasingly mean and scary and I was wearing down. having trouble breathing, hyatal hernia, acid reflux, endometriosis,migraines, gallbladder disease, spastic colitis, my joints would be in excruitiating pain after household chores and I bruised easily and my muscles would throb from doing something like washing a pan or giving the dog a bath.  everything went into a slight remission once I moved into an apartment and did not have t deal with my husband, but concentrate on my son and my own life. I spent a lot of time taking care of me and didn't push myself except for keeping the house spotless. It was like taking a year vacation. I began developing other problems and was losing any interest in anything in life other than movies and music. I was talked into going to a work Christmas Party and got acquainted with a man I had worked in the same building with for over ten years. we got along really well and I found we enjoyed a lot of the same things. I knew he was quite the womanizer in the past, but I suppose I really thought his life had needed that because of his circumstances and figured once he had his own cute lil' woman, we would live happily everafter right? well, we haven't married yet and we have been together for five years. My health now is at a very critical level and since I have been told by my supervisor not to return to work and file for disability  for an ER trip because of excessive vomiting without stopping. I am now out on leave, my Dr. never has and I don't know if he ever will turn in the FMLA papers and I know I have lost my job, but most go through the system so they can terminate me at a later date. My fiance' has gotten nasty. He tells me you're not as sick as you think you are and thinks that I am lazy and don't do anything during the day and he HAS to come home and take care of everything. He doesn't do it often, but when he does he makes up for the daily abuse. He is in a real hurry to get me out of my job, but yet expects for me to be able to pay half the bills and he doesn't like me to save any money. If he finds I have money, it angers him that he had to pay half the bills when I could have paid them all and he kept his money. he separates everything and keeps track of favors he does me and bring them up several weeks later and dramatizes it, when in all honesty, I finally stopped filling the car up, picking him up requests on the way home and doing the grocery shopping because he finds a way to make what I spend or do nothing and use what he does for me or spends for the household a hero. he has stated there was no way I could have made it financially when he came along, although that was when I was in a good place financially. I didn't make much money and was on a strict budget, but the bills were paid and I watched him throwing money in the air while I was actually hungry. He now is spending money hand over fist on hobbies and I'm not sure what else. I just know that I got a good job for one year before I was forced out of work and I made a little more than he did, but he had made good money for several years. I was able to save 50% of my income each month, but he was always out of money and needed to bum from me. I can tell he doesn't like me anymore, but he won't admit it. I know what I go through everyday with the illnesses are difficult for him, but I can tell he is separating us. Men can't deal well with someone sick all the time. I have even spoke to him about leaving, because I can't take being judged over not doing meals and household chores when I don't feel good. I just want to stop pushing myself so hard and not be punished for taking care of myself. I know this doesn't really help, but I'm here and I'm sure many of us have these stories where our men are unsensitive to anything about us. It makes me feel like I'm in my deathbed and he has to visit and take care of me and it is making him angry because he would like to have an attractive energetic woman to make him feel alive again and I can't be that woman. I notice you said something about you know there is no way he is leaving here, possibly, you and I are are sharing that also. we had always talked of moving to Florida because the weather would make me feel so much better. I ache more with changes in the weather. this is something he made me believe for several years, after his daughters grew up (which is a story in itself) his oldest has a child and a second on the way and was recently married and the younger daugher now lives in an apartment and finished school, he is still trying to find a way to pay child support, because he really wants to keep giving them money. I tried to explain there isn't much difference in my then 18 year old son and his now 18ish+ daughters and that my son should not need my money to live any longer and I don't feel like his daughters do either, but it's plain to see he is still in a bubble from his past and has the same priorities as when they were young. He now shows no interest whatsoever in moving to Florida or anywhere or change anything. We are standing still and making no changes. It hurts and I, of course am in a bad medical condtion that needs to be addressed far worse than any of my family issues, so the sadness I feel gets worse all the time because I am afraid he is looking for someone that is healthy and fun. hang in there, it's not easy and I don't have any answers, I am seeking them myself.