Is this rape/abuse??

[Confused362]

Im just wondering if I can get some opinions on this issue.  I was with my ex botfriend for 2 years. We broke up 8 months ago....

Within this time he was very emotionally abusive towards me. I did not realise this at the time. Just a few examples, he would put me down about what i was wearing on a night out if it wasn't a mini skirt (which is what he wanted me to wear), he would call me names and when id say stop, they're not nice, he would say Im just messing. you're to serious. Of course Id think I was being to serious etc. He cheated on me with his ex and with a few more women to. I stayed with him thinking it would get better. It didn't, things just got worse.

He went away on a lads weekend, I didnt want him to go cause he was just after cheating, I asked him not to, explained I did not trust him enough yet and he lost the plot, saying I have to get over myself and that I was a drama queen. He went and of course I felt bad because "i caused the arguement" according to him.

My main issues is this. On a few occasions something happened that only recently has been upsetting me. We would be lying in bed watching tv, fully clothed. He would want sex and there were times I was not in the mood.  On a few occasions he "forced" me to have sex. I would say "No Im not in the mood, i just want to cuddle" but he wouldn't take no for an answer, he would continued to try and have sex with me. I would push his hands away and say "no" but he was just so persistant. he would keep going, begging me. On one occasion, he rolled me over and started undoing my pants, i said no.... He kept going. I said to stop but he said "Dont be a b!tch"... Every single time we ended up having sex when i didnt want to.  I have just recently told my mom about this and she said it was rape, but Im not sure if it is... I was his g/f and well, must have been my fault cause I stayed with him... So it cant be rape in my opinion.

I have ben suffering from bad anxiety for a while now, involving intrusive thoughts. The anxiety started while I was in the relationship and has been up and down since.

My questions is, can this type of relationship cause anxiety with intrusive thoughts? And if so, will i ever get better???

Thanks for yer advise in advance.

[Confused362]

ifitendznAL: Thanks for your reply. The main reason I dont think it was rape is because I used not physically push him off me, I used just lay there till he finished. Even though I said no and meant it, and would push his hands away from my pants button,  he was just to presistant...  So I dont know if it was rape. When I think about it I feel physically sick, even when i fully consented to sex with him, the thoughts of it makes me feel sick!!! So IDK if im over reacting or if it was rape. The thoughts just make me sick :-(

mommy92004: Thank you too, Yes he was VERY emotionally abusive, very controlling and demanding. The relationship would go from hot to cold in a matter of seconds. Always fighting, it was so draining but I could never walk away! I said to myself I will do it but never did! He would call me names, never be supportive of me when I needed him, did what he wanted when he wanted and also cheated on me.. I feel stupid for staying with him for 2 years because this all started 4 months into the relationship!!! I must have had no respect for myself. I don't think Il ever trust a fella again. Its just hard to explain, everything was on his terms, when we met, where we met, what we did, what film we would rent, or watch in the movies! I never got the choice!! Im so disappointed in myself for letting him do this to me

Heres an example: it was my graduation from college, he did not want to come out and celebrate with me, but eventually said he would, he was late, sat down for the whole time he was there, and barely spoke to me. When we did speak he was convincing me to leave early and go home with him. And you know what, I did!!! he just did not care, and I let him do it and get away with it ...

I could write a book!!!

[mommy92004]

Yes it was rape and it sounds like he was also emotionally and verbally abusive. As to why ur feeling the effects of it now.... I think maybe you are just reliezing exactly what happened. I don't think that it will get better w/o therapy. I know that for myself, I have never "gotten" over what happened to me and that has been over 7 years ago. It does get easier, but in my opinion, you will never be totally over it.

[ifitendznAL]

hi and i hope im not too late to get this response to you. I just went through the same thing and I am a counselor trained to help  women leave these abusive relationships so I had plenty of disturbing looks at myself in the mirror. WTF is wrong with me and Get out of this now id scream to myself but to no avail.Charming at first, about two  months into it, this 'charming" man  anally had sex with me as I was crying and pleading no. was that just rape I kept asking myself although deep inside I knew the answer was YES. (thus therapy is a must!!)  I still stayed for another four months tho now I was confused, scared and  blaming myself for thinking it my fault as he knew I liked "rough sex, I  felt trapped and embarrassed I was in this situation. After he tore a tendon in my shoulder trying to force me to bend over, the Dr,s wanted me to have him arrested and I know u mentioned something similar. . IMHO dont do it. I refused to as it would only open the door for him to return and stalk me. Id imagine the same for u as these men usually act similar in their psychopathic nature. Get the therapy u are going for because if you don't, one day when you think your "over" it,  these feelings will manifest themselves into PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and anxiety depression and anger will rule in other relationships that may be healthy and good for you. Im sure your counselor has brought it up if you have any doubt if it was rape or u overreacted if you saw him treat another woman or sister or mother like he treated u, would u think they were overreacting?? They manipulate so well, its what they do best, twisting words and fear together so tightly that when I told the man who had me twisted him he had ripped a hole in my shoulder I was told "It was just  rough sex and you liked it". That about sums up the care and nature of these maniacs we dont have to be with ever again! Good luck and stay strong.

[Confused362]

I went up to my doctor and had a chat and told him about everything. I have counselling coimng up!!! Thanks for everyones advise!!!!! I appraciate it!!!

[narla]

The way you feel and the emotions you have is never over-reacting,but I believe you do need professional help to deal with how you are feeling.Don't wait till it snowballs get the help now.  Denise

[Confused362]

Ya thats where the confusion comes in, It was a long term relationship so i didnt see it as rapw at the time, but now I dont know. I use not like when he would do it. I said no repeatly, pushed his hands away but I still just lay there and let him have his way! Thats what makes me thinks its not rape.... And now I dont understand how 8 months down the line I am being upset by this. Maybe I am over reacting? I dont know!!

[geckopaws]

Yes this is Rape hon.  You know that Rape does happen so often in relationships even if you are in a consensual relationship.  Please get some help now.  I know you may feel threaten as I did but don't wait because it may be too late if you do.  Anyways take care.

[Confused362]

Thats exactly what I'm feeling!!! I put up with so much cr@p from him, i just cannot believe I did it!!! He cheated, I "forgave" him, he got physical on one occasion and scared the life out of me to the point I locked myself into my car until he calmed down. He used put me down, crack "jokes" at my expense, call me names. We broke up so many times and i took him back every single time...  I feel sick even thinking about how much respect I lacked in myself and how much respect he lacked for me too.. I cannot sleep anymore, im having horrible thoughts about myself that im not eating or sleeping.

I have so much anger towards him that all I want to do is hurt him!!! Its making me doubt everything about myself!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!!

I can honestly say that I hate myself..... I put myself through it, therefore its my fault, cause I never walked away when I should have!!!!!!!!!! I was too weak to say screw you, Im better off with out you....

And for some reason, i still don't see it as rape even though everyone I have spoken to about this has said it is.... So if it is rape, why don't I see it that way??  Denial???

[RockRose]

confused,  what specifically are you anxious about?  

Because I went through a sort of similar engagement to a man in college,  and what disturbed me the most,  in retrospect,  is that I put up with it.  That I didn't have the guts I thought I should have,   and left immediately.  That I didn't respect myself enough to just dump him as I'd seen other girls do - with no hesitation at all.  

Is that what you're feeling?    I just felt really embarrassed,  and humiliated,  that I put up with it,  like I had no backbone or feeling of self-worth that I saw other girls have.

[faithfulchild]

I am truly sorry that this gut took advantage of you. Since you will not be reporting this then i suggest that you find ways to cope with the after effects of the abuse. You can start by seeing a professional about or going to group therapy.Until then you can try some relaxation techniques on your own. Deep breathing excessive and self talk while you are going through anxiety attacks can also be helpful. For deep breathing just find a comfy place where you can sit and try to clear your head while at the same time breathing in ad out deeply until you start to feel normal. Another technique you can use is to visualize yourself after an even like that happened (the rape) and tell yourself that it wasnt your fault. It would be hard since already i hear you are blaming your self saying that "you were his girlfriend and you stayed and therefore it was your fault". Let me be the first to tell you that it is not your fault. You could be lying there butt naked and it still wouldn't be your fault. You said no and he continued despite that. You need to stop blaming yourself and take your life back into your own hands.

Love and blessings

[narla]

Yes,anxiety and depression can still be there years after,unless your feelings and emotions are dealt with your anxiety could always be there,you need to talk to a professional to help deal with everything you're feeling.  Denise

[Confused362]

This happened over 8 months ago. I wont be reporting this, it wont be proven as its his word against mine. I dont want to report it.

Ok so can someone help me with this? if it was rape, which a lot of people think it is, then why is it now its effecting me, 8 months after we broke up!!

Can anxiety and depression over the realtionship linger this long after the relationship???

[narla]

This is definitely rape,you said no more than once and he continued,Rape in a relationship is so hard to prove,I'd love for him to be charged but I also understand how hard that would be,I wonder how many other girls he has raped.Just because you are in a relationship with someone it does not give them the right to have sex with you whenever they want,remember this in future relationships.What happened to you can cause anxiety and maybe you need to talk to a counsellor to understand what you are feeling.Good Luck and Take Care Denise  

[Confused362]

No I am not with him, we broke up 8 months ago. i just cant see how 8 months later this all upsets me.. Im a tad bit lost!!

[margypops]

Yes Rape I hope you are not with this person if you are I suggest you get out, it will not get better .It would be good for you to have more self esteem and move on .