will the ripples ever end?

[cb2_pl]

I am 44.... I was sexually abused until I was 7, emotionaly, physically verbally abused from birth to mid 20's +, spiritually abused when about 10.....

I used to self harm.

I had 18 months of counselling (which I can't remember) and that was all I could have. I have had psychs etc., but they never want to hear my story.

I have come a long way... but I still feel tainted... I have survived ....

my question is..... how can I thrive?

Judith

[margypops]

I found your last post very readable and can see the Talent you have for writing , it seemed positive writing to me, and I think that through it you will find some way of coping, You have a good friend in "Crumbly"  and you must be helping a lot of people with your social work.The Pyschs' are simply doing a job I guess the interest stopped exactly there.Does it matter they accept the fact of your abuse ,you did cope the best you knew how. Keep in touch I find your story (sorry for the platitude ) interesting , and I feel you will find some hope coming from a very hurtful childhood and beyond.

[cb2_pl]

Hi....

I will look into that book ..... I am looking into CBT (private). I use a help-line to tell my story. The pyschs did not acknowledge the abuse ... I had one (eminent) pyschotherapist... when I said "my mum used to hit me"... her response was "weren't you ever naughty?".... sometimes I need to see the link between then and now... so I can move on. Psychs like to label me as personaility disorder.... I might be avoidant... I coped the best way I knew how with all the abuses.

I have writen... pages and pages..... I have kept "The Courage To Heal" close to me for years. I also explore forgiveness. I did have Christian counselling with only limited success.... the pyschotherapy is blank for me...  I "forgot" the sexual abuse for years... it was only when I felt safe to talk about my mothers abuse of me that the door to those memories came back.

I do voluntary work at the moment ... have done for over 2.5 years .. nearly a full working week. I used to work in sheltered/supported housing and before that in social work. I am trying to get some paid wrk. My Saturdays are filled with seeing my Pet Crumbly (an 86 yr old lady who is crumbling round the edges, who I have made a pet of).

By the way I cannot recall the year my mum died, nor my father. I greived years before they died due to various reasons... including the fact my mum had a severe stroke on brain stem etc. and dad had alzehimers. I don't talk to my brother much... I wish him well... the fact that he asulted me fades into insignifcance.

All I have to do is change my coping mechanisms, not to dream.... etc.,.....  if only ... I was going to say... if only people would accept the fact of my abuse... professionals I mean... but they saw me as a faulty person who would not change.... I don't see that as a fact.....

Judith

[margypops]

I echo that, I want to hear you, and you can write it down not only is it the start of healing there a lot of other women who have been abused and it could help them, you can thrive by making your life what you want it to be. filling your time helping others and working hard and making friends .putting aside the hurt, you can never forget, but you can move on so the abusers .dont control your life now. Thriving is in your head you can choose to thrive or not , its not an easy road but it can be done . I hope you feel better soon.

[RockRose]

Judith,  I hate to keep sounding like a broken record,  but get "Bad Childhood Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.    It will help you.   It's very interesting that you can't remember counseling,  but you can remember abuse.  I think if you decide to get this book and read it,  you need to be open to it,  because you weren't at all  open to counseling.  Be open.  Listen.  Think.  

Psychs don't want to hear your story,  they want to hear the basics of it and then offer therapies (in the form of medication or behavioral/imaging/thought process changes) that will help you.  It's not necessary - or even warranted - for them to hear every detail before they offer solutions.

Have you tried writing?  Lots of people who have suffered trauma really need to WRITE or say it.  You can use this forum to write every detail,  or you can get a journal and just write and write and write.  It sounds like more than actual solutions,  you really would like someone to hear you.

Write away.