ugh - back again.. need some support

[udoschoices]

ok, well i recognize some people on here such as my friend Gizzy who i see is still helping people out and Worried that is also on like year 2-3... i look back when i first found this board a few years ago and it helped me get off my norco/lortab/etc... (hydro) habit-  temporarily. Then back and forth, up and down. Tox, retox, now i find myself 2 years later going through stretches of a few weeks or so- then 2-3 days of abusing hydro - then detoxing, telling myself i'm done, etc...  

so i'm crawling back here on my knees asking for help. Hard to admit - but as they say, "if nothing changes, nothing changes" - i went to some NA meetings at the suggestion of a counselor i went and saw - he basically said, your life sounds good -you just need to get off the drugs!   Actually, everything is going better in my life, better than it ever has - except not being able to consistently stay off the pills!   So insidious these things are. Get clean, feel good, then that stupid voice tells me "oh, you can do some for a day or 2" - and i wolf down 20 norcos within 24 hours, throw the rest out i got - go through detox and mental fuzziness..... wash, rinse, repeat.  I know i'm not giving my brain enough time to heal and i get fooled into thinking i can "handle it" after a few weeks - which i know is NOT true (not in denial obviously)

so i'm on another "detox".  I'm tying to use ALL methods to conquer this. I'm not mad or frustrated at myself really, i know its a symptom of the evils of this disease. I've gone to NA - can't say it was my favorite, but this one meeting i went to the group wasnt bad at all... the counselor didnt have much to say except "go to NA".   So i'm going to hopefully use this board and help from you guys to help me stay off for good! I REALLY want it. i have blocked the numbers of the pill dealers that have called me and who i succumbed to - but i know i can always unblock their numbers. Just need some confidence and help. I'm on day 3 from a 2 day run after being clean a few weeks before that... just tired of the repetition.

any advice from the vets or those that have made it past frickin 30 days!! would help. I know "one day at a time" and i'm really trying this time. Confided in new girlfriend that is very supportive and doesnt do them, and just trying to make this the last time

thanks

[laurel453]

I love this quote, sarah

udoschoices, you have been given very good advices so i don't know what to add apart from wishing you the best and follow your plan... there is always a last time no matter how many relapses you have had...this time you can do it :)

stay here posting and welcome back :)

[dominosarah]

You know the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....You dont have to live this way anymore.  You have been given good advice from everyone.  Dig deep within yourself and make your sobriety the No.1 priority in your life and do everything you have to to protect that.       sara

[GoingToMakeIt]

    This time you can do this! Many of us have had to reach the bottom before we can climb back out. You have made some great steps. Blocking numbers is good, but setting yourself to not be controlled by the drugs is even better. This time, stick it out. Stay connected here, stay connected with NA and your sponsor. Let everyone, (including your Dr,) around you know that you have a problem. (don't jeopardize your job)  And above all, be honest about the addiction. This includes honest to yourself.

[udoschoices]

actually NA better than AA.. i know a drug is a drug is a drug but i could (and can) have a drink or 2 and stop. Always have.  But i realize that is a trap as if that was my only choice then i would more than likely go to it in the extreme.  So i have an easier time relating to people who discuss drugs rather than alchohol...  Thanks for the suggestion. There are a lot of meetings around here i think i just need to try different ones and find one right for me

[worried878]

Sometimes AA can be a better fit for some than NA...was for me in my area
just a suggestion...most who do not practice aftercare...do not stay clean long term
but we r all different

[IBKleen]

Welcome back...glad to see you made it!

I don't know what I can add to already great suggestions except try and keep an open mind with the meetings. I started the fellowship almost 23 years ago and I found a lot of meetings in all this time that I just don't like, so I avoid them. I have found those I do like and feel very comfortable with the members. They are my friends and they are my life line.

So just give yourself a break. Take it slow and if you just want to listen at meetings, then do that until you find your niche.

Again, glad you made it back and hope you stick around!!

[udoschoices]

gizzy - that's what i need to hear, man.. .you are an inspiration to me and it took a lot to come back on here but i need to be held accountable and knowing that you know me from before means a lot. I'm really trying to do something different. Went to a substance abuse counselor, went to a few NA meetings.. now i'm on here. Doing something different as "my way" clearly doesnt work

bucksfan - 2 days man... not just "2" i wish. more like 40 - too scary to discuss which is why i'm here.. but i'm with you. Which is why we are both here. I'm here also for you likewise. Community is everything otherwise we feel isolated = pop a pill.

Storme - oh numbers arent even stored.. but you know the dealers.. see you as a cash cow or fiend and find ways... had to sign up for blocking service on my phone so it says "this number is not available".  The voice inside my head can ALWAYS get them if i really wanted.. that's not the solution

I know i'm not alone. I'm a strong person and everything else is FINALLY going my way in life which took a LONG time and part of the reason i started this addiction as an escape (bad relationship, failed business, debt, etc..) - all that is gone now - time to kick off this monkey that is trying to stay on my back and i truly think the sky is the limit for me.

I'm also here for other people going through what i am. One thing that helped before is posting with another person on here each day.. i'm going to make myself post here every day, so if you get tired of hearing about me - that means i'm still clean!

[Storme]

Hi, I am 56 days clean and I kn ow that I am still not totally in control. You have to fight...everyday. It will be a constant battle and that is something you have to accept and prepare yourself for. But, every day you do not succumb, makes the next time you are faced with the pressure easier to handle and conquer. We can do this Udoschoices. I promise you that. Just have faith in yourself and the strength you possess inside. The first step was admitting your addiction to yourself again. You'll do it again and again and again if you don't finally stop the ride you are on and finally get completely clean.

Instead of blocking those numbers, delete them completely so you do not have that little voice in your head telling you that all it would take is to unblock those numbers to get the pills. You need to make it damned near impossible to get to them please?

We are here for you and you can do this!

[bucksfan]

Sounds like we all have the same story. Going on 5 years of stopping and starting. I would quit for like 7 days and then take one every other day. That would lead to every day and then have to stop again. It doesnt sound like you are to bad off if you only took 2 after two weeks clean. I wonder if there has ever been an addict that quit for good on the first try. I sure know I didnt but I also wont dwell on that. As long as you keep fighting you will eventually overcome my friend. Come back to the site, it helps!

[gizzy32]

Welcome back buddy. Recovery and getting clean is a process, most of us don't make it the first time and we have to learn from our mistakes, then move forward and make some changes and get some help to stay clean. Addiction is so sneaky and just waiting for us to slip, telling us we need these drugs to be happy, but that is bull s hit.

I am glad to hear you have a plan now and I know you can do this. Take it one day at a time and keep posting here, you got some great advice. We are never in control of our use and I can tell you finally see that. Congrats on those 3 days now. Stay clean or I will kick your a s s, haha.

[Charetti]

Yes, the horrible cycle. I am on it too.  I wss on a lower dose so my detoxing is much easier this time but still awful.  Did I learn my lesson?  Hope so. Dont feel alone, thats all I wanted to convey.

[LeaAnn807]

I hear ya.  Breathing in and out was an excuse for me to use, and I DID!  I didn't need any happy or horrible feelings to surface to need a pill.  Just being conscious was enough for me!

Hang in there honey!  You'll get there!

[udoschoices]

All- I hear you. I know I'm not in control and that's why I'm back here- I'm doing my best to hold myself accountable, posting here every day and helping others combined with NA is my plan. Along with getting back into healthy eating an exercise that seemed to disappear with my addiction and previous issues that sort of drove me to the pills. But even though that's gone- I had a good sober person tell me that how you feel shouldn't be a factor. If you are happy, that's an excuse to use. Sad/angry/depressed? Another reason. Owning up and being accountable. You said it and I have finally realized I can't do it alone so thank you... (Vicki and tramhater). Leann- I'm with u, it ***** and I've been doing it so many times I lost count but it has to stop or it will stop us. Hang in there too

[vicki595]

Hi!  Okay...You're not "in control" and you know that much! So,just give it up. Surrender. You're all done. You need to commit to YOURSELF and keep your word. You need to be accountable!  You know how to do this but you have to MAKE yourself do it!!  Go to the meetings with an open mind,first of all. I'm not pushing meetings here
but I think you need them. Your therapist doesn't sound very good,to me,so you need to go to the meetings. You need the constant support of a group,face to face. You need to listen to all those people. Read more on the forum! You've been here awhile so you know the drill. Participate here and be accountable with your clean time. Set up a recovery tracker...

It's time to get this done. Day 3 is a start!!  Keep it going!!

[LeaAnn807]

You have to first know that you are NOT in control when it comes to pills.  That control was lost long ago, I imagine!  The mental is FOR SURE the worst.  The physical stuff ends pretty quickly in comparison.  It is so hard to learn to live without pills.  For me, it was plain scary.  I don't think that I knew how!!!  That is the part that takes patience and support.  Get both, and you will be successful!  Try NA again.  What do you have to lose except the hour that you are there???

[leann357]

Oh my God. I should have read ur post b/4 I posted. You sound like I feel. How do you stay off of them. I know so many people, all I have to do is pick up the phone and I know I will feel better. I have other issues I deal with guilt, unworthiness and the pills make it ALL BETTER!!!! I need some support, too. Quit doing them at the beginning of the summer, then just the last few days I have gobbled them down like there is now tomorrow. Actually, I havent, I just feel like that. I have giving in and done 1 or 2, the max 4 in a day. That is nothing compared to what it used to be. How do I STAY CLEAN?????

[udoschoices]

well i guess i need to get over my ego and go to the NA meetings and stay on here and be consistent and keep my guard up and not think i can "control" something i obviously can't. and you are right - what if i dont come back from the binge? I've had friends die my age from the same thing.. and my dosage only has increased from a few years ago as tolerance takes hold... and i have so much to live for now. So that's why i'm here. I need to change. I need to surround myself with people such as the ones on here that have stuck with it and not drift away and towards the evil that lurks within those pill bottles... just hard. Mental WAY harder than physical. Especially for someone like me that is usually "in control" and always gets things done. Hard hard hard

[LeaAnn807]

Hi!  Your story sounds SO familiar!  Goodness, I have done it so many times.  The thing is that you are right about nothing changing if nothing changes.  That's the whole point to getting some therapy or group meetings or whatever works.  Just keep trying stuff until something does!  I'm afraid if you don't quit, you may not make it back from one of your 2 day binges!  It could have happened to me a million times.  

What do YOU feel needs to change in order to be successful?